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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think i'm not a hypocrite to turn DD forward facing?

193 replies

ThumpityThumpThump · 09/12/2018 09:09

I am very vocal about using HBB as long as possible and that ERF is safest and best practise to age 4.

DS1 (9) is still in a HBB despite being over 135cm as he doesn't fit the main seat in my car safely yet (seat belt too high on him, knees dont bend properly over seat edge). He is the only one in his year still in a HBB.

DD is just 3 and currently ERF in a joie 360 spin. This is the only ERF we could afford (it's cheaper as its an all in one with the base, so isofix only, no option to use a seat belt).

Due to the car we have I cannot move the ERF seat further away from the seat back to give more space and as DD will not cross her legs her knees are up around her ears. She is now starting to shout/scream about how uncomfy she is.

So I plan to persevere through christmas as its a dangerous time to be on the roads and then turn her FF in Jan. She weighs 14kg (2st.4lb), wearing age 4 clothes so 'big' for her age.

I have been getting some grief from friends when i've mentioned this and they are calling me a hypocrite for turning her 'early' as i always 'go on' about how ERF is better.

AIBU to think that as DD is a large 3 year old, the size of a 4 year old and clearly very uncomfy in the seat now that turning her FF (in the same seat) is not hypocritical and I have done the best I can?

I just can't see how I can keep her ERF any longer as much as i want to, her knees are genuinely up by her chin Sad

OP posts:
JustKeepSwimmingJustKeepSwimmi · 09/12/2018 09:53

Yep . Your first sentence in the OP is that youre "very vocal" about car seat safety. I'd just own it as people obviously know you as having had strong opinions and are now chamging your mind. Allowed, but people are allowed to notice. Own it and let it blow over to the xt thing and perhaps be more aware why people may make different decisions to you.

I was v aware of this in some attachmenty parent type circles I ran in for a while. I used a sling. But also happily used a pushchair when useful with my second but I had ardent sling wearer friends who would do anything they could to prove theyd never ever use one...

Original poster
ThumpityThumpThump · 09/12/2018 09:54

count well of his friends who's cars i have seen/he has been out with yes he is the only one. and i get raised eyebrows when i provide a HBB for him to go to theoir houses.

welsh this has been weeks of her complaining now and i have been moving her legs to show her other ways to sit and she freaks. She isnt the sort to try and be difficult, she isn't as 'typical threenager' in that way.

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 09/12/2018 09:58

OP I think the problem is you have gone from this

I am very vocal about using HBB as long as possible and that ERF is safest and best practise to age 4.

to this

i believe this is safer until she's as close to 4 as i can manage'?

I suspect you dont realise quite how judgy and preachy you have sounded about it linked to the top one that now you have changed your mind simply because of money

Original poster
ThumpityThumpThump · 09/12/2018 09:58

justkeep see this is why i have tried to be non-judgy about all my choices and actively say (when relevant to the conversation' that all my choices are what's right for me and my child - i used a sling when traipsing across fields and a pram when shopping so i had somewhere to put the shopping! I did finger foods but i would reject the notion that i did 'baby led weaning' as i wasnt buying in to a fad, i was actually just doing what made sense for me and my need to not spend hours mushing food!

In fact a couple of my non-school run friends have said they like to ask me what i did with my kids as they know i wont be offended if they then choose a different option. honestly being 'judgy' is not my character! i just am happy to say what i did and why i did it.

OP posts:
Lizzie48 · 09/12/2018 09:58

ERF only became a thing in the last few years. I never heard anything about it when my DDs were toddlers and they're 9 and 6 now. It would have been emotionally damaging for my DDs to be rear facing until at least 4 anyway. When you're bonding with adopted DC then you need to be able to have eye contact with them. DD1 is partially deaf, too, so she would have been completely cut off had she been rear facing as a toddler.

You have to make a considered decision on all sorts of things as a parent.

Original poster
ThumpityThumpThump · 09/12/2018 10:00

quartz what i meant in the first one is that i will explain why i have chosen that option, i am happy to 'own' the reasons for my choice - that it is best practise and research says its safer. When people are asking why i am doing something not the 'norm' i am vary happy to explain why rather than just shrug it off with a generic 'we're all different' response.

OP posts:
TheDarkPassenger · 09/12/2018 10:00

I bet your friends are loving this!! 😂

Yes, you’re being hypocritical, it’s fine though, just apologise and move along, nothing to see here.

We’ve all done it, along the lines of ‘if I had a kid it wouldn’t kick off in Sainsbury's’ 2 years later your kids kicking off in Sainsbury’s and you think touché 🤷🏻‍♀️

explodingkitten · 09/12/2018 10:02

helter i completely recognise that. as i said, i only bring itup when questioned, but when questioned i would give a full explanation.

Yes, so you preached and knew better. You could just have said simply: "I read somewhere that it's safer" and be vague about the rest. If someone is concerned with safety they will google it. The full explanation was just you being judgy of others and sounding so smug about your own choices. I'm not saying that you are smug, but your friends reactions indicated that you sounded pretty smug.

Original poster
ThumpityThumpThump · 09/12/2018 10:03

lizzie of course you do. We all do that, and what's right for one isnt always right for another.

DC1 - 3 all went FF at 18 months as thats when they out grew their infant carriers (they were all a lot smaller than DC4!!) I had comments back then. especially with DC1 as it was legal to turn them at 9m then.

I guess the fact i dont shy away from why i've made a choice has come across more preachy and less explanation than i though.

OP posts:
mikado1 · 09/12/2018 10:03

No Lizzie, my 10 DN was in a rf till 4 seat, expensive at the time. She stayed in it till before her 3rd by which time.... She was too big. What can you do? Really interesting re adopted children and I did think that my 2nd didn't get the chats etc that I had with ds1 but he has eye contact with big brother at least. It's all s balancing act.

Original poster
ThumpityThumpThump · 09/12/2018 10:05

exploding why be vague though? Obviously i think ERF is safer except in extenuating circumstances or i wouldnt be doing it. so why is it preachy to say 'this is what i'm doing and why'?

OP posts:
Peaspleaselouise · 09/12/2018 10:06

You’re massively overthinking this.

However, FWIW, I was involved in a major accident once with my young kids in the car. I sustained severe whiplash but they came off unscathed - because of the fact they had head support.

HuntIdeas · 09/12/2018 10:08

Coming off point abit here but I have 4 year old twins and 2 identical car seats (britax TWE) but one is forward facing and one is rear facing due to layout of the car. They both fight over which one gets to go on the rear facing seat as it’s more comfy than having your legs dangling!

breadwidow · 09/12/2018 10:08

My post seems to have disappeared- so this may come out twice

But here's a thought, can you do the school run by on foot or bike? No car seat comments plus kids get exercise, less air pollution, less congestion etc etc

TheLittlestLightOnTheTree · 09/12/2018 10:09

Rules?? They are not 'rules' at all, merely guidelines. Nothing more

I think they've all been laughing and talking about you for years behind your back and have now seen this and jumped in it to try and show you up

Caprisunorange · 09/12/2018 10:10

“I guess the fact i dont shy away from why i've made a choice has come across more preachy and less explanation than i though.”

I think this is the sort of thing posters are referring too. You’re attitude speaks volumes, like you’re the educated safety expert amongst a populations of imbeciles. What is there to “shy away” from? It’s only a car seat, it’s of very little importance in most parents lives. But car seat enthusiasts seem to see it as some kind of religion, where they’re on a mission to convert the world. it’s really odd.

Original poster
ThumpityThumpThump · 09/12/2018 10:11

bread it didn't disappear but i'll reply again for you - 4 DC, 5 mile walk along a major A road and then lanes with no pavement.

OP posts:
Original poster
ThumpityThumpThump · 09/12/2018 10:14

caprisun your car seat is of little importance? really? I did a fair bit of research on car seats to get the safest i could afford. same as when we bought a new car - safety was my top feature requirement. driving is the most dangerous thing you do with your child, why would these not be important choices?

OP posts:
Sailinghappy · 09/12/2018 10:14

If your friends are saying this, you have clearly been preachy and irritating about this subject. Otherwise they wouldn’t be bothered about calling you out on it.

Lizzie48 · 09/12/2018 10:14

@mikado1

There was no other child when DD1 came to live with us, so she would have been all on her own had she been rear facing, which would have been very damaging for her. She got very distressed in the car when forward facing, so I dread to think what she would have been like had she been rear facing.

Anyway, we did what we did. I do get the point about ERF, though.

Original poster
ThumpityThumpThump · 09/12/2018 10:15

thelittlestlight i really hope that's not the case Sad

OP posts:
Caprisunorange · 09/12/2018 10:16

Yes, that’s right. It’s of little importance. I went into John Lewis, had them talk through the options, picked one we liked and had them fit it. It meets all safety standards (obviously) is suitable for baby and is properly fitted. I’m not in the slightest concerned beyond that. You seem utterly gobsmacked that other people won’t take as much interest as you?

converseandjeans · 09/12/2018 10:17

Why do you care what the school Mums say/think? If DD is too big and her knees are up round her ears surely it's what is safest/best for her?

Original poster
ThumpityThumpThump · 09/12/2018 10:18

perhaps i am caprisun but then i've seen first hand the damage caused by car safety not being taken seriously. And when i comes to a safety item for my child, no, i would never just wander into a shop and take their word for it. i would always do my own research too.

OP posts:
mikado1 · 09/12/2018 10:19

Lizzie, your decision was clearly the right one. I hope she's doing well now.