to think i'm not a hypocrite to turn DD forward facing?

[ThumpityThumpThump]

I am very vocal about using HBB as long as possible and that ERF is safest and best practise to age 4.

DS1 (9) is still in a HBB despite being over 135cm as he doesn't fit the main seat in my car safely yet (seat belt too high on him, knees dont bend properly over seat edge). He is the only one in his year still in a HBB.

DD is just 3 and currently ERF in a joie 360 spin. This is the only ERF we could afford (it's cheaper as its an all in one with the base, so isofix only, no option to use a seat belt).

Due to the car we have I cannot move the ERF seat further away from the seat back to give more space and as DD will not cross her legs her knees are up around her ears. She is now starting to shout/scream about how uncomfy she is.

So I plan to persevere through christmas as its a dangerous time to be on the roads and then turn her FF in Jan. She weighs 14kg (2st.4lb), wearing age 4 clothes so 'big' for her age.

I have been getting some grief from friends when i've mentioned this and they are calling me a hypocrite for turning her 'early' as i always 'go on' about how ERF is better.

AIBU to think that as DD is a large 3 year old, the size of a 4 year old and clearly very uncomfy in the seat now that turning her FF (in the same seat) is not hypocritical and I have done the best I can?

I just can't see how I can keep her ERF any longer as much as i want to, her knees are genuinely up by her chin

I mean, either you've come across as judgy in the past without meaning to or your friend is a shit stirrer. Either way, do what works for you and stop worrying about what other people say/think.

You are completely overthinking this. It’s no one’s business. Hopefully you’ve learnt not to be so annoying and in your face to others, it’s easily done. My child is 3 yrs and weighs 13.5kg she is forward facing. It’s not a competition, it’s not anyone’s interest unless you’ve made it, and as youve stated she’s not comfortable.
The vehicle I drove until recently had a lap belt! I had very little choice in car seat and very little money.

ERF is much safer but it’s never a good idea to go on about it too much. It’s one of those things that not everyone can afford to do and talking about it too much can make you seem judgey. I hoped to RF my kids til they were 4 but I turned DS1 at 3y 8m because of his car sickness. Have to say, he’s a lot more comfortable and happier FF. I can hear him properly and have a conversation with him too. Once it gets to the point where they are unhappy RF and disrupting the journey, it’s probably safer to turn them around.

We will keep DS2 rear facing for as long as possible but I’m not going to worry too much about it.

I was asking if it makes me a total hypocrite and if therefore i am wrong to turn DD at 3 rather than 4.

Your friends have already told you that it does. What you can do about it depends on your budget.

You either get a new seat for her; not just because it would stop you being a hypocrite but because you'd clearly be happier with her rear facing for another year. There may be deals in the January sales that make them a bit cheaper.

Or; you turn her now; or just after Christmas, it doesn't really matter which. If she's shouting that much that it's distracting you, it's probably safer to turn her now so you're paying full attention during the increased period of drink driving and busier roads; or that you take her in the car as little as possible.

People will get over that turning her makes you a bit of a hypocrite; it'll be old news soon enough. The learning would be that whilst you've tried not to be judgy and explain your reasoning; your friends have taken it to be a judgement of them. This is one of those situations where how it actually came across is more important than how you intended it too.

She's in a 360, so no different install to turn her FF. She might hate it, at which point, again, no major difference to turn her back.

I am all for ERF, and want DS in a 25kg ERF seat when he moves out of his current seat, but if RF isn't working for you, it's probably better to see how she would cope FF.

the dangling legs thing - surely thats all children in FF at any age? my DC1 still has dangling legs at 9! or do people put stools as footrests in their cars?

I guess i'm upset and frustrated when i feel i have gone out of my way to not be judgemental about different choices that they are judging me for 'breaking' one of my own rules, not even something they believe in.

i guess i'll just stop offering an opinion when asked as clearly it will just be used as a stick to beat you with later on.

the 2 way elite wont fit with the other seats i have, i need an isofix as accessing the seat belt buckle is almost impossible due to the other car seats in use and the elite is seat belt fit only. (and i don't have 85 quid right now, never mind 185 quid!)

I am a bit about this but anyway ....

Rather hypocritical of you to deny them their point of view if they've listened to yours!

And this is only 5 or 6 friends? So how has the subject come up enough times for you to be 'very vocal' about it, OP? Does rather sound like instead of saying 'oh, we prefer the rear-facing seats' you launch into a long diatribe about research and danger - everyone has made their own decision on their car seats and knows the info. If you've done this often then yes, they are going to parrot it back to you when you don't stick to it - sorry!

Hopefully it will all blow over soon.

If they're your friends they'll just be winding you up a bit!

You say yourself you're known for it being "your thing" so now you're having to go against it a lot earlier than planned they'll be taking the mickey!

I’m sorry about whatever happened that made you quite so worried 💐

Is your DS bothered about about sitting in a HBB? Most 9 year olds would find that very babyish. We used a base booster from about 8. I’m a driving adult, seat belts are ‘too high’ on me and I can’t fold my legs over the seat edge either. You need to balance your ‘worry’ with his needs too. If he hates it & is being mocked about being a baby in a HBB, then if he’s the legal height not need one, you really need to think about the emotional damage this is causing.

DD - What do you believe the benefits are of having a child rf? At what point does that change and why?

I’m just surprised so many people at your kids school have even noticed what car seat you use. I’ve been at the school gates for years and I don’t think I have once paid any attention to what anyone else is doing and it’s also never been a topic of conversation!

ilove Thank you for the flowers. It was a life changing injuries incident.

DS isn't bothered. I've explained that i believe it's safer for him so he needs to still use it. its rare he mentions it now in our car, he usually mentions he was the only one using one if he's been out with friends. He understands its safer.

DD - less risk of whiplash/spinal injury in the event of a crash. broken legs much easier to heal than necks. the research suggests 4 at a minimum and my budget does not extend to a rear facer than will do longer than that, nor will my car fit it.

nick when often wait for each other in the car park/chat while unloading/loading at the start and end of the day.

Haven't rtft... no you're not a hypocrite as it no longer works for you to have dd rf, I think it may be more dangerous now than ff for her as her legs would hit her face on impact (just my thoughts no evidence to back this up) - my 3 year old is still rf and my 8 year old still in a hb booster too but I would change this if it no longer worked for them,

Even still. Why would anyone even care enough to look and discuss car seats is beyond me.

And look at how you responded to the poster who said she went into a shop and bought one. Possibly without even meaning to you criticised her and gave your opinion. THATS the reason your pals are calling you a hypocrite

It sound like you have done a lot of extensive research into car safety and it is likely, unintentionally, you've become a bit of a car seat bore. If someone asks why your dd is rear facing its likely they are asking because it isn't common at that age and a quick you prefer it because you think it safer will do without going into research details which will make them feel you are judging them for not knowing.

You wouldn't like it if your friends quoted research at you for bf being better than ff, or childminders being better than nursery's, etc or whatever parenting choices you have made which they didn't agree with.

Preaching the safety and research that it is the right thing to do then not doing it yourself (for whatever reason) is the very definition of a hypocrite. Suck it up and make the decisions that suit you and your dd the same as other parents have.

You know she’s not the size of a four year-old, right? She’s on the small side of average for a three year-old.

And I have literally never had a conversation with anyone about their kids’ car seats. I have a 135cm tall boy in a high back booster and a 2 year-old in a rear facing seat. Nobody has ever commented. I have never commented to anyone else. I find it v strange that this is a topic of conversation, but I’d assume them calling you a hypocrite is standard teasing amongst friends and don’t worry about it.

YABU to go on about it. No-one ever commented on the fact that DGS was always in the next size up car seat as he was so tall (and heavy).
Stop talking about it and put your DC in whatever car seats you want. Nobody cares.
Personally I think you're being a tad over-cautious and over-protective but that's obviously just the way you are.

Thank you for the flowers. It was a life changing injuries incident

My Godsonm.’s was totally life changing too.

It’s good your DS doesn’t mind yet, but’s he’s getting to the age where he will & where other parents won’t want to be faffing around with collecting a HBB to take their child’s friend out when they feel they’re big enough not to need it. Obviously your DC, your choice, just MAYBE be aware it might start to impact others areas of his life. Your criteria for not needing it would still have me in one!

DD - without having been there, none of us can say whether you’re being hypocritical or not, but I get the impression that you’ve been a bit more vocal/dogmatic/informing than you realise and now that it’s inconvenient for you to have DD rear facing, suddenly it’s less important. I honestly think, that you think, you’ve only answered what has been asked, but I think it’s likely you’ve been more ‘informingk than you realise. We can ALL be like that about different things, Especially if something has impacted us more so than others.💐

Ignore their calls of hypocrit. Only you can decide what’s right for you. However, if I felt as strongly as you appear to about this, I wouldn’t let money stop me doing what I felt was safest. £185 is a lot of money when you don’t have it, but you could borrow it if you needed to. I’d try DD in the bigger RF & then decide. I’m sure you can jiggle everyone around to make it work in the car if you want to.

"they are judging me for 'breaking' one of my own rules, not even something they believe in"

Exactly what did they say, where did they say it, was it directly to you or a discussion among selves?

And having a 135 plus cm 9 year old in a HBB is completely ridiculous as well. Why do you think this is necessary? Or is it the same as the ERF saga, that you think you’re right and the 99% of people who don’t do this are wrong?

schmoorbarb it's not ridiculous, its the law in france where we travel frequently so makes sense to use the higher legal limit to not confuse DC when we go abroad.

it's necessary because without his knees do not bend over the edge of the seat, the seat belt doesnt fit across his hips correctly and the diagonal part cuts across his neck.

all you saying 'well then i should still be in a HBB' - you are an adult with adult strength bones and body, a 9 year old's are not as strong - hence why it is 135/150 OR 12 years.

ilove i'm sorry you've been through something similar

I don’t think you’re a hypocrite.

I think you’re a bit daft for not having realised before now that some kids are uncomfortable or unhappy when rear facing. And that sometimes the safety risks from their crying and complaining or being sick outweighs the safety risks from being RF.

Anyway, you didn’t realise, but now you have. So you change your view and you say “I got it wrong - ERF is safer in most cases, but not if the child is compaining and distracting the driver”. That’s not hypocritical, it’s changing your view according to the new —entirely predictable— situation.

Gah strikeout fail.