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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think i'm not a hypocrite to turn DD forward facing?

193 replies

ThumpityThumpThump · 09/12/2018 09:09

I am very vocal about using HBB as long as possible and that ERF is safest and best practise to age 4.

DS1 (9) is still in a HBB despite being over 135cm as he doesn't fit the main seat in my car safely yet (seat belt too high on him, knees dont bend properly over seat edge). He is the only one in his year still in a HBB.

DD is just 3 and currently ERF in a joie 360 spin. This is the only ERF we could afford (it's cheaper as its an all in one with the base, so isofix only, no option to use a seat belt).

Due to the car we have I cannot move the ERF seat further away from the seat back to give more space and as DD will not cross her legs her knees are up around her ears. She is now starting to shout/scream about how uncomfy she is.

So I plan to persevere through christmas as its a dangerous time to be on the roads and then turn her FF in Jan. She weighs 14kg (2st.4lb), wearing age 4 clothes so 'big' for her age.

I have been getting some grief from friends when i've mentioned this and they are calling me a hypocrite for turning her 'early' as i always 'go on' about how ERF is better.

AIBU to think that as DD is a large 3 year old, the size of a 4 year old and clearly very uncomfy in the seat now that turning her FF (in the same seat) is not hypocritical and I have done the best I can?

I just can't see how I can keep her ERF any longer as much as i want to, her knees are genuinely up by her chin Sad

OP posts:
Caprisunorange · 09/12/2018 10:19

How is it not taking it seriously to buy a safety tested chair, brand new, from a reputable supplier and have their trained fitters fit it? I’ve taken it seriously, I just haven’t made a life style out of it

Buggeroffbingbunny · 09/12/2018 10:20

I would leave her and let her sort it out herself. As others have said she will find something to moan about at 3 and she has ages left on the weight limit of the seat.

My DS is just 2 and already 95cm and 14kg, I have the same seat as you and am hoping it will
last till 3 but I can’t us getting to 4 in it so will have to buy a 25kg rear facing seat as he won’t be old enough for a HBB.

3out · 09/12/2018 10:20

I’d feel a bit :/ about moving DD ff if she has only just turned 3, but if you can’t afford another ERF seat then there’s not much you can do. I suppose the issue is that your friends think you’re moving DD out of the ERF seat due to comfort, which perhaps is the point that they feel is hypocritical.

Original poster
ThumpityThumpThump · 09/12/2018 10:21

it's interesting that most people havent actually replied to the question i asked in my OP.

I am struggling as i feel that ERF to 4 is safer, but DD is unhappy, uncomfortable and screaming through journeys. I am trying to weigh up the right decision for me and my child. I am actually finding this a hard decision to make as i believe ERF to 4 is safest. but DD being in pain and distracting me from driving by screaming isnt safe either.

I was asking if it makes me a total hypocrite and if therefore i am wrong to turn DD at 3 rather than 4.

But sure, keep on telling me i'm a judgy cow. Sad

OP posts:
Schmoobarb · 09/12/2018 10:22

Well of course if she doesn’t fit then YANBU to move her but if you’ve banged on about RF to your friends a lot and made them feel judged chances are they are quite glad to have an opportunity to put you down a bit, which isn’t very nice but there you go

JudasPrudy · 09/12/2018 10:22

This reminds me of all the hysteria in my mums group about weaning before 6 months. People can become so precious and judgemental about what is meant to be guidelines. Every child is different - as you have now hopefully realised OP.

mikado1 · 09/12/2018 10:23

I did OP!! :)

Original poster
ThumpityThumpThump · 09/12/2018 10:23

buggeroff my DD is tall too and she is short body and long legs - hence the problem we have. I just cannot afford a bigger ERF (and i dont think it would fit in the car either). We've had some house maintenance issues that needed sorting as an enmergency so we have no savings right now to replace the seat.

OP posts:
Caprisunorange · 09/12/2018 10:24

Well yes I think people are saying you’re a hypocrite, to be fair! Didn’t it occur to you that’s what happens to everyone’s 3 year olds? Why do you think everyone else moves them?

JudasPrudy · 09/12/2018 10:24

'it's interesting that most people havent actually replied to the question i asked in my OP. '

Everyone has replied saying that yes you are a hypocrite, and yes you should move her (except for other car seat enthusiasts who think you should buy an entirely new car seat to keep her rear facing until she's practically in high school)

Schmoobarb · 09/12/2018 10:24

also in the realm of big parenting decisions, this is actually relatively minor. She’ll still be in an appropriate car seat, I think you need a sense of perspective, it’s not like you’ll be letting her roll around the back seat

Faithless12 · 09/12/2018 10:24

Do what you think is right however DS turned ff when he was 6 and prefers still to RF. She might be fussing as her older brother is FF.

YeOldeTrout · 09/12/2018 10:24

PPL have answered your question imho. Yes it sounds hypocritical assuming you feel strongly about this (which you probably do since people are bothering to say their opinion on it).

(my part) it also sounds like the one gal is a stirrer.

I don't think MN is going to absolve you of your guilt that you can't be the perfect parent after all.

Gileswithachainsaw · 09/12/2018 10:26

What do you want people to say.

You cant get a new seat.

It's not safe to drive with a kid screaming and kicking.

She's uncomfortable

You have acknowledged there's no other option so the only reason you are struggling so much is because you don't wanna be seen as a hypocrite.

So other people's opinions later more to you then your Dds comfort , safety and wellbeing.

Even now you are insulting people who did what most people do and asked trained advisers and fitters in well known well established suppliers.

I have no idea about any of my friends car seats. At all. The fact you do, well...

Original poster
ThumpityThumpThump · 09/12/2018 10:27

everyone else moved theirs at 15 months caprisun

mikado thank you Smile

judas i never thought otherwise.

OP posts:
Mummymumm · 09/12/2018 10:27

What's a HBB?

Quartz2208 · 09/12/2018 10:28

You are not wrong to turn if you think its the best and safest solution for you and your DD

But neither are your friends wrong if they are gently teasing you (which I assume you mean from grief) about this - you have changed the goal posts now that it doesnt suit you

3out · 09/12/2018 10:31

Sorry if my reply wasn’t clear. Yes, I think you’re being hypocritical. There’s not a great deal you can do about it though. :)

NonExistentFox · 09/12/2018 10:31

I don't really understand why you're keeping an "unhappy, uncomfortable and screaming" child in that seat because of ERF dogma. It's clearly not best practice in this case.

Original poster
ThumpityThumpThump · 09/12/2018 10:31

giles the reason i'm struggling is i feel forced into a choice i dont want to make. i want her to be ERF to 4 but circumstances are forcing me to change that and I'm finding that really hard. I was hoping fro some support that i was making the right/best decision in these circumstances. Not to be berated for believing in a particular safety choice.

My 'friends' sticking the knife in about it is making me feel even worse about it all.

I'm not insulting people, i just would never take a shop assistance word for it which is the safest seat, i am genuinely suprised that people do not do any research first before going to the shop.

OP posts:
Lalliella · 09/12/2018 10:32

What new-fangled fuckery is this? When I was a kid my brother used to lie down along the back seat and I used to lie on the parcel shelf! OP I think YABU to ever take your children in a car, it is far too dangerous for the precious darlings!

Or to answer your questions - yes you should turn her and yes you’re a hypocrite. And your poor son still in a baby chair, bet he gets the piss ripped out of him!

YeOldeTrout · 09/12/2018 10:35

I'm starting to enjoy this thread... :)

so, tell us more about how your friends have 'given you grief'. Was it via text, in person, phone calls, throw-away chat at the school gate, Facebook messenger? What exactly did they say? Do tell.

Gileswithachainsaw · 09/12/2018 10:35

Seriously have you heard yourself?

Turn her round and move on. Seriously. Of you had done yiu r research properly you'd have discovered the issue you have right now through reviews/feedbacks etc

You are no better than anyone else no matter how much you think you are

Lizzie48 · 09/12/2018 10:39

@mikado1 thank you. She's still struggling but she will be starting therapy soon.

Re the issue of ERF, it clearly is a safer choice for young children, but the main thing is to concentrate on driving safely and minimise the risk of being involved in an accident.

Faithless12 · 09/12/2018 10:39

@ThumpityThumpThump then don’t turn her. She will get used to it. She can’t have longer legs then my 7 year old. He used to put his feet up on the shelf. Distract her for a month and she’ll get over it.