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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think i'm not a hypocrite to turn DD forward facing?

193 replies

ThumpityThumpThump · 09/12/2018 09:09

I am very vocal about using HBB as long as possible and that ERF is safest and best practise to age 4.

DS1 (9) is still in a HBB despite being over 135cm as he doesn't fit the main seat in my car safely yet (seat belt too high on him, knees dont bend properly over seat edge). He is the only one in his year still in a HBB.

DD is just 3 and currently ERF in a joie 360 spin. This is the only ERF we could afford (it's cheaper as its an all in one with the base, so isofix only, no option to use a seat belt).

Due to the car we have I cannot move the ERF seat further away from the seat back to give more space and as DD will not cross her legs her knees are up around her ears. She is now starting to shout/scream about how uncomfy she is.

So I plan to persevere through christmas as its a dangerous time to be on the roads and then turn her FF in Jan. She weighs 14kg (2st.4lb), wearing age 4 clothes so 'big' for her age.

I have been getting some grief from friends when i've mentioned this and they are calling me a hypocrite for turning her 'early' as i always 'go on' about how ERF is better.

AIBU to think that as DD is a large 3 year old, the size of a 4 year old and clearly very uncomfy in the seat now that turning her FF (in the same seat) is not hypocritical and I have done the best I can?

I just can't see how I can keep her ERF any longer as much as i want to, her knees are genuinely up by her chin Sad

OP posts:
Lazypuppy · 09/12/2018 10:40

Yes you are being a hypocrite, honestly your friends have probably been waiting for this day.

You sound very preachy and a 'know it all'.

You realise that is the point of sales assistants in stores, to help advise you. I went into a shop, spoke with the assistant and picked my car seat. Done. Its fitted correctly so it doesn't enter my mind anymore.

Ionacat · 09/12/2018 10:41

Personally I turned my daughter when she started being sick everywhere. The distraction from that was far greater than turning her forward facing and no sick.
Also anecdotally the one speeding ticket I got was when DD1 was shrieking in the back, lots of us on the course were in a similar situation - we had been distracted by screaming kids. If journeys are now becoming a challenge, then it would be safer to turn her especially when the roads are busy and with other idiots on the road, you need to be able to give driving your full attention.

mikado1 · 09/12/2018 10:41

That's it exactly Lizzie. I hope therapy helps her, it sounds like she's lucky to have you as her mum.

Faithless12 · 09/12/2018 10:41

@Gileswithachainsaw I’ve only heard about children complaining from people who FF their children at 8 months.

Yura · 09/12/2018 10:43

i’m massively for extended rear facing. had to turn both of mine around at 9 months (!!!!) due to extreme travel sickness (5 minutes car -> puke -> upset child crying hysterically and inhaling vomit). sometimes you have no choice.

Mummylife2018 · 09/12/2018 10:43

@Lalliella New fangled fuckery? Do you know how many babies/toddlers have survived car crashes, only to be told by emergency services that if they were forward facing, they would've died.......

And vice versa......................

newmumwithquestions · 09/12/2018 10:46

OP, turn her round. RF 4 year old here so I am an advocate of extended RF, but it has to work for your family. Sounds like for you it doesn’t any more.

One thing about legs, can you give her any more room at all? Our 4 year old is behind the passenger seat which is pulled forward, fine for short journeys but if we have to do a long one with someone in the passenger seat that’ll be the time we make the decision to move her around so we can bring the passenger seat back again. From what I’ve been told, swished legs for children are a lot better than the dangling legs they sometimes have once forward facing (again, depends on the car & seat)

RollerJed · 09/12/2018 10:46

Just do it OP and have the courage of your convictions FFS.

Dd2 is 3 and has been FF since 18 months. There was no way she would have gone RF and a screaming dc is too distracting.

But then people like you offering your opinion when asked would have really pissed me off.

newmumwithquestions · 09/12/2018 10:48

*squished legs. Not swished!

shpoot · 09/12/2018 10:48

Ffs. Yes you are being a hypocrite. But for the sake of your child you are going to have to suck it up. It's all your own doing.

Turn the poor kid around

Eatmycheese · 09/12/2018 10:50

@Yura yes to your point about vomit: we have three kids and two of ours are chronic car seat travellers.
We had to stop once on the hard shoulder of the M1as one of them was choking on their vomit. Terrifying.
They are still occasionally sick travelling forwards but once in a blue moon whereas before it was within minutes of leaving the house, they also screamed constantly that their legs were hurting, their tummies were "squooshed" it was dreadfully distracting as well as distressing.
We had to turn our two oldest forward facing sooner than we'd have liked but fortunately they are tall children who weighed a decent amount and the indicators for turning the seats forward (red lines that needed to be covered by their headrests) were. Yet to see if their baby brother is as bad as currently we don't travel that much in our car as we need a bigger one now for five of us. Now the oldest is almost five and he is in a HBB the three in February middle one is in the cybex sirona but she's almost 18kg so we will have to do something and I'm not sure what Confused

WoahBaby · 09/12/2018 10:50

I sympathies OP but this whole scenario is what happens when rigid parenting beliefs hit reality. It's not practical anymore, turn DD around. If you're worried about impacts, would one of those headbands help that keeps the child upright while they sleep?

3out · 09/12/2018 10:53

The ‘best’ decision to make would be to get a new seat, but:

A: Potentially your DD would still be uncomfortable in a different ERF seat.

B: Perhaps your car won’t fit a larger ERF seat.

C: This is an expense your family can’t afford.

D: Trying to get multiple suitable seats in a car is really difficult. Especially if you have 4 DC

By not moving her into a HBB (presumably harnessed?) you risk her remaining uncomfortable. If people say their one year old wasn’t comfortable in their seat and that’s why they ff now then that reason is quite often thought void on many ERF sites/FB groups/ERF forums. This is why people are accusing you of being a hypocrite. However, if she is going to be a distraction to you whilst you drive then this isn’t safe either. Putting your family into debt to buy a new seat is not great either.

Does it come across to your friends as hypocritical - yes. Is there much you can do about it? No. You’ve risk assessed and come up with the only solution which is appropriate to your family circumstance.

Perhaps consider new friends!

Cheerbear23 · 09/12/2018 10:57

Turn her around, she’s clearly very uncomfortable if she’s screaming and crying about it.
At some point the benefit of rear facing must be outweighed if the child is sitting awkwardly as they are too large, don’t you think?

newmumwithquestions · 09/12/2018 10:58

Oh also, those of you struggling with travel sickness, one thing that worked for us is in car DVD players. Very travel sick rear facing DD is not travel sick if we put a DVD on the headrest directly in front of her. I guess it just shifts her focus? It’s been an absolute game changer for us (of course, I appreciate that Peppa Pig blaring into the car may not be your thing, but it’s so much better than vomit everywhere every journey!)

Bouledeneige · 09/12/2018 11:01

Wow - completely overthinking. Be practical and get on with life. Who spends this amount of time discussing car seats with friends?

Mumofaprinny · 09/12/2018 11:02

You could save for a minikid after Christmas or a Britax two way elite. If you sold the joie you would have some money to put towards the new seat. You can install either very upright and this will solve the problem. The two way elite is tiny compared to the 360 so she will have lots of leg room..

headinhands · 09/12/2018 11:02

When you're talking to other parents rule #1 is don't word things that make it sound like you care more for you're kids than they do theirs. I had a similar situation about choice of schools and instead of talking about data and attainment stats I used a reason that couldn't be seen as me feeling superior. I didn't feel superior about it but knew it might be interpreted like that.

Leonie87 · 09/12/2018 11:05

Car seats is one of those issues that a small section of parents are particularly dogmatic about. Like bf v ff, weaning early etc. If you’re one of those parents then this exact scenario is the risk you take. As someone who has faced criticism (not much, but a few instances) for my choice to formula feed by such parents, I have limited sympathy.

For the record, i ERF’d as long as I could. Switched my almost-4 year old around the other week when she could take no more. I don’t think any of my friends are even aware of the fact that she was stil rear facing at three.

Nothisispatrick · 09/12/2018 11:09

MN is the only place I’ve ever come across people who harp on about car seats. It’s so weird. Unless you know someone who literally isn’t using a car seat at all I don’t understand why it would ever even come up in conversation.

I also don’t understand how having legs up by head could possibly be safe in a crash. Surely it only applies if they are sitting normally and comfortably. If they’re sitting like a contortionist they could end up with some really weird injury!

followmytune · 09/12/2018 11:15

My dd1 was rear facing until 4 and was fine. She was average size. Dd2 is just 3 and is rear facing but is bigger. Hoping to make it till 4 but we’ll see. As it goes she’s forward facing in dh’s car as only bought one rear facing seat.

Anyway, for all the years both girls have been rear facing no one has really made a comment. I don’t think it’s something that’s that noticeable. So I think you may have been going on about it a bit. It’s fine to try to spread awareness as I too think it’s safer but it sounds as though you’ve made people feel that your way is the only way and now they’re saying that you’re being hypocritical. If she really can’t stay rear facing I think you’ll have to suck it up.

FWIW safety wise the fact that she is bigger will make it safer to turn her earlier as these things should ideally go by weight rather than age anyway. For example I think that babies on the 4th percentile should be a lot later turning around than babies on the 91st percentile but most people seem to go by age.

RedLife · 09/12/2018 11:20

Oh well, it will all blow over in 4-6 weeks

GrinGrin

LettuceP · 09/12/2018 11:20

I hear you OP but I do think you will have to just turn her round. It's not safe for her to be screaming and distracting you while your driving.

I'll never understand the hate for ERF.
I watched some crash test videos, did some research and decided to keep my kids rear facing as long as possible, it's really no big deal. I don't get why people are so against it.

Leonie87 · 09/12/2018 11:22

It’s not that people are against it. They are against being preached at

Caprisunorange · 09/12/2018 11:22

They’re not against it they just don’t want to hear about it