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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU if DH wants another child but I don't

245 replies

morethanaword · 08/12/2018 02:11

Myself and DH have been married for five years now, we are both 30. We already have a DS aged three who goes to nursery and both DH and I work full time earning good money and have agreed that we want to either relocate abroad or travel for a while as our son is still young.

DH and I met at university and we've never been the type to want a huge family, we discussed plans that we would keep things small. I come from a big family and I feel like I could never handle another child but lately DH and I have been arguing as he's very keen to have another child, discusses wanting a daughter and even asked his mum to have a chat with me.

This began about two years ago when our son turned one, DH was very keen to conceive and try for another child but due to work stress, we decided to put it on hold. However, I do not want another child, but as DH's family is small, he wants to keep our family as a good size. We never argue about other stuff except having another child and I'm not sure how to go about this.

I just feel very bad but I just can't handle another child, I love our son and my career is going great and I feel like being pregnant and having another kid will be stressful considering I suffered with PND with our son.

OP posts:
sprouts21 · 08/12/2018 02:19

There's no need to feel bad. You don't want another so that's that. Does he intend to bully you into it?

Original poster
morethanaword · 08/12/2018 02:24

@sprouts21

thanks for the reply, much appreciated

I don't think he bullies me but he did once swap my birth control pill for a vitamin tablet that looked very similar in the hopes I'd conceive but it didn't work out thankfully. A lot of this stems from DH not understanding my PND, he thought I made it all up etc and it ended with me living with my parents for almost five months as he couldn't cope with it.

I do love him a lot and we get on great but its becoming constant, "when shall we try for another one?" which baffles me as he suggested moving abroad in the first place which will be difficult if I'm pregnant.

OP posts:
Florajane · 08/12/2018 02:28

I was going to say that I have one child and am very happy for things to stay that way. In an ideal world my husband would like another but accepts that it is ultimately my decision and that it won’t happen.

Then I read that he swapped out your pill. This would be the ultimate betrayal of trust for me and I can’t imagine our relationship recovering from it.

smeerf · 08/12/2018 02:30

Is this a joke? He tampered with your birth control?!

nos123 · 08/12/2018 02:33

Your partner is way out of order. Having another child is far more strenuous for the female anyway (ie pregancy).

Bufferingkisses · 08/12/2018 02:33

I'm sorry, he did what?!

You realise that's the same as these people who pretend to wear a condom? (Now a criminal offence btw)

I think you may need to take a minute to reflect on just how shocking that action is before you decide anything else.

ToBeARockAndNotToRoll · 08/12/2018 02:35

Yanbu to not want another child. Hinbu to want one. Hibvu to pressure you (for example using his mother to 'have a chat') into such a huge decision.

He wants a daughter...what if, hypothetically, you did have another child and it was another son? Would he then want to try again, and again, and again? My MIL was desperate for a girl...she wanted to keep trying. Had 4 boys. Loves them all equally of course, but you can't control what the sex of a baby will be.

You will have to grow, carry and birth, potentially nurse another baby. He won't. You suffered from PND. He didn't. If you don't want to go through all that again, you absolutely don't bloody well have to, and he must respect that.

Time40 · 08/12/2018 02:35

That's seriously shocking, OP. And it sounds like he's trying to bully you into childbirth.

ToBeARockAndNotToRoll · 08/12/2018 02:37

Didn't see the update. Swapping your birth control pill?! That's just...truly, beyond fucked up.

Topseyt · 08/12/2018 02:38

Are your birth control pills not in blister packs? So you would notice straight away if it had been tampered with before taking it?

Anyway, only a complete arse would try to swap anyone's pills for something else. What a dangerous and frankly irresponsible thing to do.

Sorry, but those are the actions of a selfish twat. I would find them hard to forgive.

Original poster
morethanaword · 08/12/2018 02:39

I do wish I was joking but he did do it, when I asked him why, it was because of the 'heat of the moment' and ever since then I get paranoid sometimes even though we've been in couples therapy and he's promised not to go through the extremes and its been two years since the incident.

I suppose you could say we've recovered from that but I just don't want another child but he won't drop it.

OP posts:
Original poster
morethanaword · 08/12/2018 02:41

Also I agree with a poster who mentioned about me possibly having a son if my DH wants a daughter as it happened to my mum, she had three daughters and always longed for a son and it never happened.

I keep them (my BC pills) in blister packs now but I used to keep them in daily medication pots so they'd remind me to take them etc.

OP posts:
Topseyt · 08/12/2018 02:42

I also agree with others. He IS trying to bully and trick you into another pregnancy.

For that alone, I would dump him.

MrsTerryPratcett · 08/12/2018 02:44

I'm trying to work out why you're still with someone who did what he did. I cannot imagine staying with someone who could do that.

And it wasn't a momentary lapse in judgement, it was premeditated.

sprouts21 · 08/12/2018 02:45

www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/entry/reproductive-coercion-women_us_58013726e4b06e047594d4b1

He IS bullying you. It sounds like he treated you horribly after your first baby.

sprouts21 · 08/12/2018 02:50

I would not go abroad with this man under any circumstances.

Original poster
morethanaword · 08/12/2018 02:50

I guess I've stayed with him as we've been together for eleven years, he's given me the security I've longed for and he agreed with having therapy. The strange thing is, he's a great father to our son despite perhaps the 'bullying' and for me to dump him, I think I'd struggle. This isn't me trying to excuse his behaviour, he did wrong and I do appreciate your concerns, at the time I was fuming and he promised not to do it again after we discussed it with a therapist.

So far he hasn't asked for another child this week, but I fear with Christmas, it'll come up again.

OP posts:
Knowmydisrespect · 08/12/2018 02:51

Bloody hell! I gasped out loud when I read that he'd deliberately tampered with your contraception. Surely that must be some kind of criminal offence! I really don't think I could have come back from that.

He is bullying you.

You are absolutely entitled to say that you don't want any more children, and that it is not up for discussion.

BoomBoomsCousin · 08/12/2018 02:52

Have you considered telling him it's not his decision? He's not the one who carries the fetus. He was unsupportive and dismissive when you had difficulties. And it isn't something you want. Try telling him he is not to mention it again unless and until you give him permission to. And mean it. If he brings it up shut him down with anger. Tell remind him he was unsupportive. Remind him you can't trust him. Remind him he has less skin in the game than you do and given his past behaviour he really has no standing.

What would happen if you put it this clearly to him?

sprouts21 · 08/12/2018 02:54

Op I know you will be struggling with this but a great father would not have behaved as he did after your baby was born. That was disgusting behaviour.

What is stopping you from telling him a firm NO?

Original poster
morethanaword · 08/12/2018 03:00

Whenever he discusses this, its usually after work when we're both tired and so when I tell him 'no' firmly, he thinks its just stress and that I'll agree to it.

A few weeks ago, he agreed to back off and hasn't said a word since but I just get this little feelings in my mind. I should have mentioned that before we married, I was about 23/24 when I suffered a miscarriage and we were both distraught, we didn't plan to have a child but it did affect us mentally and somehow deep down I think maybe since we lost one child, its affected him mentally.

OP posts:
kateandme · 08/12/2018 03:08

i don't want to question you at all ok...but is your not wanting a child more the fear of miscarriage and pnd. or do you really not want another child. I am NOT questioning you I just see you mentioned both things and they clearly would be really upsetting and putt the fear of god into anyone when trying the same thing again.

sprouts21 · 08/12/2018 03:12

Has he actually said "I think you're saying No because you're stressed"?
Or is this your own conclusion?

tildaMa · 08/12/2018 03:12

He messed with your pill?
I'd be booking myself for implant or IUD fitting ASAP. And seriously reconsidering relationship with someone I can't trust.

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 08/12/2018 03:14

I'm surprised you're still with him, given the birth control incident and his inability/unwillingness to support you thru PND. He sounds really immature.

OTOH- I do also understand the desire of someone from a small family to create a larger one. I'm an only child and always wanted to be part of a larger family. If my DH had only wanted one child, it would've been difficult for me to accept (unless there were medical reasons) and I don't know if we'd have got married.

Please sit down together and talk this thru with your DH. It's not going to be resolved otherwise.

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