AIBU if DH wants another child but I don't

[morethanaword]

Myself and DH have been married for five years now, we are both 30. We already have a DS aged three who goes to nursery and both DH and I work full time earning good money and have agreed that we want to either relocate abroad or travel for a while as our son is still young.

DH and I met at university and we've never been the type to want a huge family, we discussed plans that we would keep things small. I come from a big family and I feel like I could never handle another child but lately DH and I have been arguing as he's very keen to have another child, discusses wanting a daughter and even asked his mum to have a chat with me.

This began about two years ago when our son turned one, DH was very keen to conceive and try for another child but due to work stress, we decided to put it on hold. However, I do not want another child, but as DH's family is small, he wants to keep our family as a good size. We never argue about other stuff except having another child and I'm not sure how to go about this.

I just feel very bad but I just can't handle another child, I love our son and my career is going great and I feel like being pregnant and having another kid will be stressful considering I suffered with PND with our son.

I sound naive but apart from the examples I’ve given, I don’t think he’s been abusive. We have a joint bank account but own separate ones and he doesn’t control any access to money. Our house, he left me to decide which house we’d buy and the area. It’s just this baby business that’s ripped us apart.

@FestiveNut I sent a message five minutes ago to my friends about what happened including the joint ones we have and they don’t believe him because apparently when he was discussing his side of events it didn’t match up to what I told them happened prior. Honestly they said that if I was willing to I could make this marriage work but even if I did, it’s not happening any time soon, he’s far too unstable.

I go back to work next week after taking a week off and DS has his final week at nursery before holidays. DH and I are listed as DS’s parents and can take DS home after he finishes. I finish work later than DH but have requested to finish at 4pm as opposed to 6pm but DH finishes just before 4pm and can reach the nursery before I do.

I’ve told the nursery that we’ve split and having issues but I’m worried he could take DS even if they know some of the problems.

Your PND was so bad, anyone who truly loves you would never allow you to even think of a 2nd child.... Exactly, the chances are that if you were to have a 2nd child your PND would be worse then last time.

OP I would get some advice from a solicitor about where to go from here with reference to your child and home and maybe divorce if that's what you decide at a later date. Once you have all the facts then you can make a decision.

Hmm. It's tricky, because I don't think the nursery can refuse to let him take your son if he has parental responsibility. Could you get your mother or someone to pick him up at 3?

I think this has taken a disturbing turn. He's contacted your friends?Telling lies about you and claiming you refused to let him see your son is calculated and manipulative. I would be surprised if this is the first time he has told lies like this. This man is not your friend at all.

I think you need legal advice asap especially about your son. Women's aid can direct you to a solicitor who specialises and it might well be free too.

My mum unfortunately works and most of the people I do too - I don’t want to give my husband any idea in abducting our son but if I talk to him I just fear he could use it against me.

As you say you are not opposed to having another child is there any way he could take the majority of parental leave? This would show how serious he was about having another child

RTFT

i feel for you. i really do. i kinda (go against the grain)n feel for him a wee bit too tho.his method was clearly an act of madness,his motive all wrong too-but how desperately desperate.are you still in therapy.time to revisit?goodluck x

Oh come on 🙄

@loubeylou68smellsofreindeerpoo

www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=rtft

@loubeylou68smellsofreindeerpoo I do not want any children though, it's him.

MadHugger

Ha maybe I should have posted my (much milder) insult as a meme, might have evaded deletion!

@TheMaddHugger yep she just split with h v recently not to say it's def off for good .

@morethanaword
I get that you don't want another but you did write . I'm not totally opposed to having another, but I feel like I'd struggle to cope.

Whilst I did write that, @loubeylou68smellsofreindeerpoo I think most of my feelings were about me not wanting or having a baby at all.

I'm struggling to answer my son when he asks where his father is and why he left. Atm I've said he's away for work but my son's incredibly bright and will sense something is amiss. I don't want to lie to him but I want to protect him.

I think I'd say something like he's going to live at Grannies for a while.

Not sure I'd say you've split just yet depends how sure you are of it being over. But now might be a good time to tell him as use Christmas as a distraction.

It sounds like you had post natal illness PNI /puerperal psychosis rather than post natal depression which is an altogether different condition.

Why weren’t you offered a mother and baby inpatient space?

Why was contact restricted at only once per week? This wouldn’t have been enough for DS to form his primary attachment to you. If DH was his primary career as an infant and gets home earlier now to do the early evening routine he is highly likely to be granted residency in court upon divorce.

You’ll need a very good lawyer if you are wanting to be the resident parent. A court is not going to look favourably at you not residing with your DC for the first 5 months of his life unless you have lots of medical evidence to back up that decision.

SarahandDuck
That sounds awful. Would it therefore be prudent to raise a complaint about ops lack of care and enforced separation from her ds?