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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU if DH wants another child but I don't

245 replies

morethanaword · 08/12/2018 02:11

Myself and DH have been married for five years now, we are both 30. We already have a DS aged three who goes to nursery and both DH and I work full time earning good money and have agreed that we want to either relocate abroad or travel for a while as our son is still young.

DH and I met at university and we've never been the type to want a huge family, we discussed plans that we would keep things small. I come from a big family and I feel like I could never handle another child but lately DH and I have been arguing as he's very keen to have another child, discusses wanting a daughter and even asked his mum to have a chat with me.

This began about two years ago when our son turned one, DH was very keen to conceive and try for another child but due to work stress, we decided to put it on hold. However, I do not want another child, but as DH's family is small, he wants to keep our family as a good size. We never argue about other stuff except having another child and I'm not sure how to go about this.

I just feel very bad but I just can't handle another child, I love our son and my career is going great and I feel like being pregnant and having another kid will be stressful considering I suffered with PND with our son.

OP posts:

Weenurse · 08/12/2018 06:36

What

FestiveNut · 08/12/2018 06:38

You poor woman. He tampered with you birth control and didn't believe your pnd? You have friends and family who think it's 'inconsiderate' not to put your body through all that pregnancy and childbirth entails? Egad, I can't believe these attitudes still exist! He thinks that periods make women irrational and thus he doesn't need to take anything you say seriously. Bloody hell, OP, why are you still with this neanderthal?

Chosenbyyou · 08/12/2018 06:44

Well I’m fairly open minded but I think if someone has tampered with birth control that is psycho behaviour and I would worry what other things he could do?!

For a well educated professional man he sounds truly horrible.

I’m actually shocked reading that and surely it borders on criminal behaviour?!

WinterfellWench · 08/12/2018 06:50

@morehthanaword

I normally roll my eyes at the OTT behaviour on some threads, saying LTB, he's a bully, he's controlling, he's manipulative etc, but seriously, all the responses on here are WELL deserved.

Your husband is an absolute twat; controlling, patronising, gaslighting, condescending, and desperate to keep you barefoot and pregnant by the sound of it (and vulnerable!)

He is being dismissive and rude about your PND, and isn't giving a shit about your feelings. You are his baby host, and he is incensed that you won't give him another.

FGS, really seriously think about your future with this man. You sound nice, but you are definitely minimising his behaviour saying 'awww, but he's OK, he's a good dad' (why do they all say that?!) and 'thanks for your concerns but.....'

You are clearly bothered and concerned or you wouldn't have posted about this.

I think you need marriage guidance counselling, and he NEEDS to know that you are NEVER HAVING ANOTHER BABY. And he needs to know that his behaviour is fucking appalling. And as for him, tampering with your birth control pill! I don't know where to start with that one!!! Sorry OP, but he sounds awful. I also agree that what if baby No. 2 is another boy? 'Oh let's try again!' (AND AGAIN!)

Oh yeah, and FUCK what other people/family think. Are THEY gonna be looking after the baby, doing night feeds, nappy changing, school runs etc, and getting up through the night and changing bed linen several times a week coz said child pees the bed now and again til they're 4? Are THEY gonna put their body through the pregnancy and birth? Are THEY gonna have their career affected a bit more than it already is with having ONE child?

NO. And neither will your DH, coz YOU are the one who will be responsible for this second baby (as well as the first!) I am willing to bet that he doesn't pull his weight as much as you do now!

Please OP. Don't leave things as they are. Your husband's behaviour is just awful. I would rather be a single mother with one child, than a married mother of 2 with a man like your husband.

Frenchfancy · 08/12/2018 06:51

Write him a letter and keep a copy of it. In in state categorically that you do not want another child. If he tears it up and asks again at another time then give him another copy.

This way you don't have to repeat yourself.

AmyDowdensLeftLeftShoe · 08/12/2018 07:01

OP if you are on the pill you don't have periods. So your husband is talking shit. You may be moody due to your hormone levels fluctuating in your 7 pill free/placebo pill days or the particular pill you on not suiting you, but if I was with a husband who fucked around with my birth control and didn't believe when I had PND I would be moody regardless.

And if you don't want another child it is your choice. You are the one who has to carry it and risk your health - both physical and mental - in the process. Though personally I wouldn't risk have another child with someone who ran away when I had PND even more so if I had an older child.

TORDEVAN · 08/12/2018 07:13

"If you ask me again for another child I'll be taking our existing child and myself to live with my parents."

This!

OliviaBenson · 08/12/2018 07:15

This is chilling.

He's treating you like an incubator not a partner.

I think you need to pick a time to spell it out to him.

What did his mum say to you? Did you tell her what had gone on?

LakieLady · 08/12/2018 07:17

He says "I get it, its TOTM or you're stressed" and backs off.

He's not taking you seriously, OP. You need to make it 100% clear to him that you don't want another child, ever, and that the topic is thereafter closed for discussion.

Once you've done that, refuse to ever discuss it with him again.

I'd be taking a long, hard look at whether my marriage has a future, too, if I was in your shoes. He minimises your feelings, tries to trick you into getting pregnant and generally sounds quite controlling.

Is this really the person you want to spend the rest of your life with?

KM99 · 08/12/2018 07:18

He tampered with your birth control pills. He got his Mum involved. He didn't take your PND seriously.

He's a controlling manipulator.

IWasTrendingThereForAMinute · 08/12/2018 07:22

The next time he mentions it I would say, "Right, I'm done. What part of that don't you get? If you mention it again I will divorce you." Then walk away.

I would divorce him anyway. He sounds like a total wanker.

cptartapp · 08/12/2018 07:26

He doesn't sound like the kind of man I'd choose as the father of my first child, let alone anymore. This relationship sounds rocky at best, and who'd be left as a single parent if it goes tits up?. Men often push for more DC but very very rarely take them with them in a break up. I'd be hinting at a split because of his bullying, and asking him which half of the week he would want care of his DS, his reaction will tell you how good a man he really is.

HSarah · 08/12/2018 07:26

strawberrypenguin · 08/12/2018 07:29

Wow that's really really awful. Please get yourself birth control he can't tamper with (implant maybe) then really think about if you want to stay with someone who can do that to you.
He needs to stop asking, your answer is no. The partner who doesn't want another child should always have final say as hard as it is for the other.

AnotherEmma · 08/12/2018 07:32

Please do not move to another country with him. If you do, you won't be able to move back to the UK with your child without his permission. And he doesn't seem likely to give it!

Please read these:
signs of emotional abuse (how many does he do?)
The Abuser Profiles (anything sound familiar?)

I advise against couple's counselling. You've already tried it and his attitude hasn't changed. Plus it's not recommended when there is abuse.

I agree with PPs about getting some contraception he can't tamper with, like the coil or implant. Do it ASAP.

Grobagsforever · 08/12/2018 07:34

@morethanaword I'm so sorry. He's abusive and it will only escalate if you have another child. I'd leave him while you only have one child to worry about

CantChoose · 08/12/2018 07:34

There are so many red flags here OP. I'm sorry you're in this situation.

I think that in any relationship the partner who doesn't want another child should always have the deciding vote - after a rational and adult discussion about it.

However, this is not rational and adult - messing with your birth control is absolutely unacceptable and I really hope this thread can maybe help you start thinking about how you could leave this relationship.

Please see your GP to discus LARC (coil, implant, injection) - I know it gets a bad name in MN but it's definitely worth a discussion in your situation.

Best of luck OP.

KateGrey · 08/12/2018 07:38

Wow! I think you need to sit with him when you’ve not been at work so he can’t accuse you of being stressed and explain why you don’t want another child. He sounds abusive. Please don’t move anywhere with this man.

givemesteel · 08/12/2018 07:40

Think you need to get ahead of this one. You need to initiate the conversation at a time when it can't be said you're stressed etc. Just tell him unequivocally that you are never going to change your mind about having another child.

So he either needs to accept that or leave, and if he brings it up again then you will leave.

Pp are right though, he is treating you like a brood mare with no actual autonomy of thought for yourself.

eddielizzard · 08/12/2018 07:50

The thing that really stands out to me, is that he doesn't seem to afford you respect / take you seriously. He didn't believe your PND. He thought you were making it up. He doesn't believe you really don't want another child. He thinks if he keeps on asking, one day you'll say 'oh go on then'.

He doesn't seem to understand that you are your own person and you have rights.

Hence tampering with your BC. That is really horrific and shows an utter lack of respect.

Absolutely don't move countries, you will be trapped with no support. Worst idea ever. Best idea for him of course.

Think very carefully about this man. He doesn't have your interests at heart at all. It's all about HIM HIM HIM.

NeopreneMermaid · 08/12/2018 08:24

OP, what's he like when you disagree on other matters (what to have for dinner, how much to spend on presents, etc?). Does he usually get his way?

This man has no respect for you or your opinions. He dismisses any view that contradicts his as your temporary lapse of judgment that you'll eventually come round from. Can you imagine throwing that back at him, e.g. "You'll come round and realise we shouldn't have another baby when you're not so tired/stressed/don't have a cold," etc.

He believes in mental health issues only when it suits him; he thinks your PND was an act but that PMT is sufficient to make you want the complete opposite of what you "really" want.

For perspective, I have also experienced miscarriage and suffered severe PND. DH and I originally planned another baby and he would still love another (I wouldn't). He believed my PND experience was real and has never questioned whether I'd reconsider having another. He certainly isn't meddling with my meds.

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 08/12/2018 10:09

I hope you do not have another child with this man. Reproductive coercion is abuse. I couldn’t forgive a man who did that. Particularly since he was so spectacularly crap when you had PND. I have suspicions about his true motives here.

Pachyderm1 · 08/12/2018 10:11

He tampered with your birth control??? Jesus Christ. I could never trust him again, that would be it for me. What an evil and controlling thing to do.

FestiveNut · 08/12/2018 10:20

Hmm. @kalinka may be on to something. Could you afford to leave him if you only have one child op? Would your wage cover childcare for two? I wonder if he likes the idea of you being reliant on him.

Nanny0gg · 08/12/2018 10:27

There is not one redeeming feature hs has that could make up for what he did.

Not one.

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