AIBU if DH wants another child but I don't

[morethanaword]

Myself and DH have been married for five years now, we are both 30. We already have a DS aged three who goes to nursery and both DH and I work full time earning good money and have agreed that we want to either relocate abroad or travel for a while as our son is still young.

DH and I met at university and we've never been the type to want a huge family, we discussed plans that we would keep things small. I come from a big family and I feel like I could never handle another child but lately DH and I have been arguing as he's very keen to have another child, discusses wanting a daughter and even asked his mum to have a chat with me.

This began about two years ago when our son turned one, DH was very keen to conceive and try for another child but due to work stress, we decided to put it on hold. However, I do not want another child, but as DH's family is small, he wants to keep our family as a good size. We never argue about other stuff except having another child and I'm not sure how to go about this.

I just feel very bad but I just can't handle another child, I love our son and my career is going great and I feel like being pregnant and having another kid will be stressful considering I suffered with PND with our son.

morethanaword Please dont beat yourself up over the past. You did the best you could at the time. (((((Hugs))))🌸🌼🌺

Maddhugger is right no point in beating yourself up about it. I just wondered if he encouraged such little contact and if that contributed to the depression.

However I think him walking out and bad mouthing you to his mother, he is trying to play some sort of mind game. I wondered if he had history of doing the same thing.

This thread has seriously shocked and worried me. Op starts off saying about their differences at wanting a child and now they've split up! After hundreds of messages telling her he's evil and should leave him. MN is so dangerous. Complete Strangers giving you 'advice' at a time when the poster feels emotionally vulnerable. It's sinister. Are all those posters satisfied now? Noone even knows the op or her husband or what's really going on but she's been influenced in a really serious way. Scary

It's not this thread or the people posting on it that have caused this outcome. The OP was saying she wanted to reconcile and work on things. It was her husband who unilaterally announced that it was over. If he won't accept her not wanting any more children, this thread would never have changed that.

@PinkGinFreak - have you even read the OP's contributions...?

He ended it. Not her.

I know he did
But having read MOST of the posts (a lot were samey) it just felt a bit like a baying mob to me

No, it's not the thread that has caused this. The very sensible advice that OP followed was that she should sit down and have a serious conversation with him regarding the fact that she definitely didn't want another baby. And to have this discussion when they had time rather when they were tired or busy. No-one could have predicted that his response would be to immediately leave, supposedly to stay with a friend but actually to stay with his mother. An action that speaks volumes about him, actually.

But she hasn't followed any of the LTB advice. She just followed the advice to make her feelings about having more children clear. It is he that has decided to leave her because of it.

I don't think (m)any people actually said LTB. A lot of us said we found his actions unforgivable or hard to forgive, and some people said she should consider whether she wanted to stay in the relationship, but most people took on board the OP's comments when she said that she did feel able to forgive and trust him, and she wanted to work on things.

It's interesting really. I think the husband is so manipulative that he's managed to convinced some posters that his behaviour is the fault of a few strangers posting on the internet. No. He is responsible for his behaviour. The OP is not responsible for it and we are certainly not responsible for pushing the OP into doing anything she didn't want to do.

I think the H's time on chat forums, where he was egged on to sabotage birth control, is a damned sight worse than the OP seeking a reality check on MN. If you want to put it this way - he started it! (And continued it, by encouraging his mother to meddle).

Why shouldn't the OP seek her own outside support?

I’m just reading some of the posts and I’m just thinking I never leave MN on but dads and men reading MN - is it quite common? I’ve been thinking this for a few days and wondering if he maybe read the thread but not by snooping but by maybe searching about the fact that his partner wants no more kids.

DH shocked me that he wanted to leave me and made no indication and if this was the case he could have done it months ago. It would make sense if he read this as he didn’t even make eye contact with me as he left.

I suppose he could have read the thread, but there's no way to find out really. I doubt it though, because this thread doesn't come up if you Google 'wife wants no more kids' or similar. He'd have to Google from your perspective iyswim.

I think PP are right, either he only then realised how serious you are about this and it's a deal-breaker for him, or he's hoping that breaking up will change your mind.

The no eye contact is guilt.
He knows he was pressuring you to a 2nd child.
He has spent the night with his mum telling her little boy he can have what ever he wants.
Then he comes to see you and tells you he is wrong, as he knows he is. And in a dramatic, gives back his wedding rings.
I think you were supposed to sit in a naughty corner and agree to his every demand, call and give in.
I just think he can't cope that you say No and mean it.
Your PND was so bad, anyone who truly loves you would never allow you to even think of a 2nd child....
Stand your ground, given time he may see he is very very wrong, if he does ask to come home how will you feel?

People don't ask on here unless it has got really bad.
Which probably explains why things esculate so quickly, as really all we do is give courage to the OP.

What did mil actually say op? Did you correct her?

Cannot believe he messed with your birth control. RED FLAG. WTAF was he thinking? I hate to say it, but you really need to consider whether or not you want to stay with this man.

MIL said this if I can recall “oh I’m sorry to be a pest but DH told me about what happened at yours.”

“I understand it was your decision to break off the marriage? Never once has he wanted to split with you, he went there to make amends.”

“No, he broke it off with me. I was willing to give him a chance.”

“That’s not what he said. He told me that you ended it and told him to leave and refused him to see his son.”

“Again that’s a no, I never said anything like that and he ended it as I keep saying.”

“I’m afraid I’ll have to end our conversation here but say hi to DS for me.”

I was just gobsmacked at what she said.

To me that just confirms how manipulative he is. He is so committed to his narrative that he's right and you're wrong, he's the victim and you're at fault, that he is lying.

It might take you some time to unpick everything but when you reflect on his behaviour throughout the relationship you might conclude that he has in fact been abusive. It's been very hard to tell as you've only given a couple of examples - you might be struggling to recognise or discuss the other issues maybe? Could be too painful.

I think the conversation with your Mil suggests that you need to get your side across to all joint friends ASAP, because he is trying to play the victim. To me, that makes him less likely to be genuine.

Next time ask her how you prized a wedding ring off a grown man!

Putting all other issues to one side, if one partner wants children and the other doesn't, the only sane option is to split.
That's not to say it will be easy. It will be messy and painful, like a lot of breakups.

He sounds abusive to me though. Had I read the thread in the early stages it would be a clear ltb.

It might not feel like it but it sounds like you've had a lucky escape.

I suggest you get legal advice ASAP, preferably from one or two solicitors with experience in abuse. The rights of women family law helpline would be a good place to start.