AIBU if DH wants another child but I don't

[morethanaword]

Myself and DH have been married for five years now, we are both 30. We already have a DS aged three who goes to nursery and both DH and I work full time earning good money and have agreed that we want to either relocate abroad or travel for a while as our son is still young.

DH and I met at university and we've never been the type to want a huge family, we discussed plans that we would keep things small. I come from a big family and I feel like I could never handle another child but lately DH and I have been arguing as he's very keen to have another child, discusses wanting a daughter and even asked his mum to have a chat with me.

This began about two years ago when our son turned one, DH was very keen to conceive and try for another child but due to work stress, we decided to put it on hold. However, I do not want another child, but as DH's family is small, he wants to keep our family as a good size. We never argue about other stuff except having another child and I'm not sure how to go about this.

I just feel very bad but I just can't handle another child, I love our son and my career is going great and I feel like being pregnant and having another kid will be stressful considering I suffered with PND with our son.

OP your husband is trash and you should only do what you want. You have to carry the (unwanted) child. He stealthed you with the birth control and that is awful.

We've finally spoken.

My DH said that he wants to stop asking me to carry another baby, that he understands that its not him carrying the baby but me. He's distraught, I think this time I managed to be firm with him and tell him exactly what I want from him - for him to stop pestering me.

He's had a bit of a cry - I just really want to know why he is adamant on having another child really. Our unit is great, it's not too stressful where we have to ask people to babysit while we work or me not having any me time etc.

He wants to give therapy a try and has asked for some space so he's staying with his friend as he comes to terms with having just one child. I really think my DH has underlying mental health issues, he's taken this far worse than I have or anyone as its suddenly the end of the world not having another kid.

I don't know if this has strained our relationship but I can't tell till Monday when he returns.

Well done for spelling it out clearly. I'm sorry he's taken it so hard and I hope he does get counselling. Sounds like he needs individual counselling?

I am on the fence about whether he is controlling and manipulative or whether he is genuinely a decent guy who made a mistake.

It does sound as if it's something he feels incredibly strongly about for some reason.

I still don't think you should move country though.

I think moving is out of the question now but I think reading some of the messages here, I just feel as if perhaps I'm not supposed to forgive him and should divorce him?

Well I don't think it's about what you're "supposed" to do. You know him and your relationship better than we do. If you trust that he is genuinely remorseful and would never do it again, you're not crazy to stay. My concern is whether he shows any other signs of being controlling or manipulative, or whether it's literally just this one issue about a second child and contraception? Check out the links I shared if you get chance.

You've got to do what feels right for you- the positive thing is that he seems to be open to therapy and you are both sincerely trying to work through this.

I'm really quite suspicious of his response and find it very manipulative. He cried and now needs space? I'm presuming he's left you to deal with your child all weekend. How utterly selfish. If only you had told him you didn't want another he wouldn't be so upset. Oh, hang on, you did and he decided you didn't mean it because you were on your period.Wtf. Just to get it in perspective op, he would likely lose his job if he said that to a woman at work.

I'm not convinced at all that he grasps the enormity of his treatment of you previously. Many people would have divorced over it. He should be grateful for his second chance, not whining like a little boy who wants a puppy.

I would NOT go to therapy with him, what does he think this will achieve exactly?

I know this sounds like I'm stupid and naive to forgive him but I truly believe he won't do anything like this again - maybe he's stopped. I don't even know what he's doing right now or why he's left. I know he's not a bad person and @sprouts21 my son is with my sister this weekend as she wanted to spend time with him and for him to play with his cousins and to let me have some time on my own.

I don't know things will turn till I finish work on Monday and we both return home after work.

but I truly believe he won't do anything like this again And did you ever think he'd swap your pill out for vitamin pills?

I agree with @sprouts21. This is not a shock to him, but he is acting like he has never heard this before. Leaving is a huge over reaction, imo.

So he's gone to party with his friend over the weekend as your decision has left him so distraught. I'm sorry OP and I really hope you work things out if that's what you want. But everything you've said smacks of him thinking, me, me, me. I'd also consider if his pill swapping ploy had worked, and if you'd stated you couldn't continue with another pregnancy. Would he have come clean and said he'd swapped your pills, or would he have demonized and blackmailed you to continue to go through with it? He sounds completely self-centred tbh.

You don't sound stupid or naive. You sound like someone who trusted their partner and got let down badly. None of this is a reflection on you.

The reason people are so concerned is that what you are describing is reproductive abuse. It's domestic violence and sexual abuse.This is not about another child but about power and control. Men who engage in one type of domestic violence usually engage in others. Sometimes it's so subtle it's not noticed.

I really question the therapist who agreed to counsel you together when they knew that abuse was happening. Joint counselling is really not recommended because the abuser will manipulate the therapist.

I'm also really concerned that your husband sought out a website that discussed ways to forcibly impregnate unwitting partners. I really think you would benefit from having a chat with women's aid.

He screwed with your bc pill? id be livid and possibly facing murder charges..........
He is a bully who is trying to control YOUR BODY against your will. Id be looking at iud or even a more permanent contraception after that abuse.
Saying your only saying no due to stress is disgusting and completely disregarding you as a person with wants and needs. He is putting you at incubator status.

We are one and done here, my choice. My blood runs cold a mere thought of being pregnant again, the labour and birth, newborn and toddler stage.
Dp would love a 2nd but accepts that its my body at risk, my mental heath at risk and our dd future at risk if i were to be forced into another baby. I wont even entertain the thought of a 2nd and shut the talk down as soon as it happens.

The reason people are so concerned is that what you are describing is reproductive abuse. It's domestic violence and sexual abuse.This is not about another child but about power and control. Men who engage in one type of domestic violence usually engage in others. Sometimes it's so subtle it's not noticed.

THIS. A million times this.

@Singlenotsingle

What's the hurry? You're only 30 so you've probably got another ten years to think about it. You may change your mind; you may not, but it's more likely if he backs off. He obviously loves you OP.

Are you the op dh? If he loved her he would consider her feeling on the life risking event known as pregnancy. He would accept her choice and not try to bully her, trick and tamper with her birth control, blame her no on trivial crap like a period.
He is an abusive pos
My dd is 8, people have been patronizing me since she was born about how id change my mind, it only takes time.
No im set in my choice and sounds like the op is too, its ok to be younger and know when your done having kids. We aint just silly little girls who will change our mind on a whim

Well it turns out, from his mum's text that he ended up at hers for the night. I feel a bit paranoid now, like I've thrown him out and she's got to look after her son.

I sent him a voicemail saying that a lot of things over the years have suddenly come back into our lives and that I feel like we should split up for now. I feel a bit broken, but I still love him, we just need to figure out our future and right now, my son is my priority. But I just wanted to say how lovely you've all been, I think posting here made me understand that deep down he's hurt me and although he's stopped, it never leaves my mind. We just need to figure out what's better - permanent split or reconciliation. As bad as it sounds, I don't want to give up on us yet.

That sounds like a good decision. I think you need some space and perspective. You say he has unresolved mental health issues. Protect your son, come up with some boundaries and find the red lines.

It's fine to be undecided and unsure. I would highly recommend reading 'why does he do that'.

I think it is fair enough that he is upset, and needs space OP, as you've just unequivocally ended his hope that he will have another child with you.

To give the other perspective, I would be broken if I was told my partner didn't want more than one child and I'm not sure if I would stay with them. Obviously you said upfront that you wanted a small family but I don't know whether you were clear that small only meant 1.

Im not saying that to convince you to have another child but just to say that I don't think I could accept just having one child and your dh might be the same.

He sounds awfully dramatic and manipulative to me. You've been saying for ages you don't want another. He should have listened back then. He wasn't devastated back then because he chose to take matters into his own hands and try to trick you into a pregnancy. Now he has no more tricks up his sleeve and you are telling him a categoric no, he's having a fit of the vapours!

I think you're right to get some space from the relationship for a while. He does need solo counselling. I reckon he either has mh issues as you suggest or is being intentionally manipulative with his histrionics. Stand your ground, OP, and well done. x

See if after 'the conversation' he had hugged you and said he understood and maybe you had a drink to the child you had and a little cry and held each other as the decision has been made etc. great. doing a fucking bunk is not great. It's contra you OP. It's contra the marriage and contra the decision.

Honestly I think you are right to consider ending this relationship. He is not your friend here. he wasn't when you were going through the hell of PND. He's not there for you in your darkest times apart from all the hissy histrionics. I would never forgive him for tampering with my BC and me putting something in my body that wasn't what I thought it was. That is shocking enough in it's own right but taken in the round I can't see you getting anything good out of the marriage. Just beign around him would freak me out as I would be worrying how far he will go next.

The break might do you both some good, and maybe some couples therapy while you are apart, if saving the marriage is what you eventually want to do
but
if you both do give it another try i would get an implant or some other form of protection and id do it now so thats off the table completely ( and i would also let him know if i did get pregnant that i would be off to the doctors to get unpregnant --- in my case my Dr would be reluctant to under take the risk of me being pregnant again anyway)

hugs and good thoughts to you and i hope you both get thru this and come out on the other side happy again

Oh I am sorry you’re going through all this, OP. 💐

We’ve always agreed that one is enough, but if my birth control ever failed or something happened and I fell pregnant unexpectedly then I’d keep the baby and I feel as if I gave him ideas to mess with my birth control or something by saying that.

Thinking back from last night, I never really expected him to hug it out or stay by my side, for some reason my decision not to have another child has hurt him more than anything ever has. I know how it feels to be brought up with a single parent and the tribulations that come with it but my father recently remarried my mother and I don’t know how they managed to do it. I fear for my son, at this age, if me and my husband don’t reconcile then I just don’t be able to cope.

The first thing my son asked when he came home today was where “daddy was” and I just said he was at work today but I just felt so bad for lying. He’s getting older and wiser and he will know things are happening.

OK so he feels hurt by the fact that you don't want another child. That's not something you've "done to him" though, that's a decision you've made about your own body and life. He has the right to feel disappointed and upset, but be careful of taking on too much responsibility or guilt for his feelings.

He has hurt you in the past by spectacularly failing to accept your PND and support you through it - you said you had to go and live with your parents? So in essence you had an enforced separation at a time when you really needed him.

Please don't let this become about how hurt he is without also considering the hurt he has caused you.