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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU if DH wants another child but I don't

245 replies

morethanaword · 08/12/2018 02:11

Myself and DH have been married for five years now, we are both 30. We already have a DS aged three who goes to nursery and both DH and I work full time earning good money and have agreed that we want to either relocate abroad or travel for a while as our son is still young.

DH and I met at university and we've never been the type to want a huge family, we discussed plans that we would keep things small. I come from a big family and I feel like I could never handle another child but lately DH and I have been arguing as he's very keen to have another child, discusses wanting a daughter and even asked his mum to have a chat with me.

This began about two years ago when our son turned one, DH was very keen to conceive and try for another child but due to work stress, we decided to put it on hold. However, I do not want another child, but as DH's family is small, he wants to keep our family as a good size. We never argue about other stuff except having another child and I'm not sure how to go about this.

I just feel very bad but I just can't handle another child, I love our son and my career is going great and I feel like being pregnant and having another kid will be stressful considering I suffered with PND with our son.

OP posts:
Original poster
morethanaword · 08/12/2018 03:18

He says "I get it, its TOTM or you're stressed" and backs off.

I do have a fear of having another child yes but at the same time, my mother told me how hard it was to bring up myself and my two sisters and my father left us when we were 12 as he couldn't cope. I'm not totally opposed to having another, but I feel like I'd struggle to cope.

OP posts:
sprouts21 · 08/12/2018 03:18

I agree with Tilda. I would not risk him messing with my pills again. St. John's wart, detox tea and cold temperatures can all affect the pill. I just wouldn't risk it.

sprouts21 · 08/12/2018 03:22

Time of the month?

Thats an awful thing to say op.

Lisaturtle · 08/12/2018 03:27

OP you are describing fear of not being with him. You mention how long you have been together and the fear of having your mum's experience, but he tampered with your medication, WTAF. I don't know what it is to be a single parent but how far would he go to manipulate you, not just for children but generally. Are you prepared to give it more years to find out?

Also if switching your pill is something that he is/ was prepared to do, do you really want him raising a daughter with you? Raises massive alarm bells.

Topseyt · 08/12/2018 03:28

"He says "I get it, its TOTM or you're stressed" and backs off".

That is patronising and condescending. My reply would be an unequivocal "Fuck off".

Either get yourself the contraceptive implant or similar or keep your birth control pills with you at all times if you won't dump this twat. How long before he tries something else, like hiding the pack?

CheesecakeAddict · 08/12/2018 03:30

Fuck me! He messed with your pills?! You need to sit him down and explain this is not going to happen. You need to be prepared that this may be the end of the road for you guys but reading that, it sounds like it wouldn't be a bad thing. Yanbu to not want another child. Maybe ask if he's willing to take the parental leave after the first 6 weeks and see if he's still as excited then when he has to do all the leg work.

Original poster
morethanaword · 08/12/2018 03:34

I do appreciate your concerns, I struggle to talk to people IRL as they can't seem to understand why I don't want another child as they think I'm being inconsiderate. Whilst he's done stuff that is unforgivable, I think I'm prepared to give this one last fighting chance and talk things out. I'm going to set aside a few hours today to talk about things, perhaps I'm in denial of his wrongdoings or maybe he has changed but either way, I need to show him his behaviour has been unacceptable and if he carries on, I can't live like this anymore.

OP posts:
sprouts21 · 08/12/2018 03:37

Have you read Lundy Bancroft Why does he do that? If not I really recommend it.

BitOfFun · 08/12/2018 03:37

Which vitamin pill did he use, out of interest? I'd love to find one as small as a contraceptive pill for my daughter who has issues swallowing tablets- all the ones I've tried are much bigger.

kateandme · 08/12/2018 03:44

do you love him?you mention why you want or think you need to be with him.the time together,the fear of being without him etc.i hear this so often on her.but do you WANT to be with him for him not just don't know who or how youd be without him. because some of his behaviour sounds so appalling op.

Original poster
morethanaword · 08/12/2018 03:48

I'll read it, thanks for the suggestion.

@BitofFun, I'm not too sure what he actually used, I think it was a Vitamin D tablet I'm sure but I can't recall and I really don't wish to ask him. If you ask your doctor, they should help prescribe tablets for people who struggle to swallow, my friend suffers with psychological issues with swallowing and she's asked for medication that she can chew or is small enough or liquid form etc.

OP posts:
Rainbowqueeen · 08/12/2018 04:02

I know there’s a lot of focus on the tampering with your pill but what really stood out to me was that you had to go and live with your parents for 5 months as he couldn’t cope with your PND.

He is not coming across as a great partner and I absolutely understand why you would”d be so reluctant to have another child with this man.

In your shoes, I would initiate the conversation about another baby. I would think about and write a list of all the issues and concerns I had. And I would expect him to listen and to truly understand these concerns and to suggest solutions for these concerns.

And in all honesty I wouldn’t expect the conversation to go that well because he doesn’t sound like he will actually listen. So then I would suggest counselling for the two of you.

And yes I would switch my birth control to something that he could not tamper with.

FlyingMonkeys · 08/12/2018 04:03

He's not loving nor understanding, he's frankly a controlling utter cunt! He 'didn't believe your PND, you had to move back home for 5mth with your child based on that. He's tried to control your fertility options and lied to your face. He's not even close to a decent person. Tell him to fuck off, move back to your parents if necessary or kick him out. He's a horrible evil cunt (sorry).... He will be as vile to your child as he is to you.

mummmy2017 · 08/12/2018 04:16

Tell him you want to talk about this baby issue and why you won't be having a second child.
Then say do you remember the five months I spent at my mums?
Why do you think that was?

Do you want a repeat. Do you want to not see our child we have, to risk splitting and losing the life we as a family to have a second child? We almost split and a second child would be far harder as two children cost more in time and money...

differentnameforthis · 08/12/2018 04:31

I don't think he bullies me but he did once swap my birth control pill for a vitamin tablet that looked very similar in the hopes I'd conceive but it didn't work out thankfully That is a huge red flag, and massively controlling (as well as bullying, not to mention the lack of consent if he had sex with your during that time) op. I wouldn't be able to trust someone who did that to me.

FlyingMonkeys · 08/12/2018 04:33

So if you had another and it was a son would he he happy with that? Some people dream of 2 children, boy/girl, but 99.9% of them wouldn't treat their partner like dog shit by swapping their contraception. If he's that 'desperate' for a female child I'd be leaving tbh. I'm not saying there's something definitely amiss (but it sounds so off).

WombOfOnesOwn · 08/12/2018 04:40

A man who sabotages birth control is trying to lock you into a scenario you can't escape from. Keep in mind that this is often a prelude to emotional and physical abuse. Has he shown any inclination toward abusive behavior?

Weenurse · 08/12/2018 05:44

I think the ‘did not believe my PND’ says it all.
I know there is no guarantee you will get it again.
I suggest counseling to work through all of this and your earlier loss before talking about he possibility of another child.

penisbeakers · 08/12/2018 05:53

"If you ask me again for another child I'll be taking our existing child and myself to live with my parents."

I'd be making an appointment with my GP to ask for my tubes to be tied.

He is a piece of shit. Minimising your PND and messing with your contraception is beyond selfish.

Justanothernameonthepage · 08/12/2018 05:54

Oh I am so sorry you are with this man.
I would definitely look at getting another form of contraception given all the factors that could affect the pill.
I would also look at finding out exactly what you'd be entitled to if you decided to co-parent rather than remain married. Obviously you don't have to divorce, but it's better than being married to someone willing to ignore your wishes. His behaviour isn't normal or loving.

shouldwestayorshouldwego · 08/12/2018 06:09

I think that you might benefit from counselling to help you get over your losses and decide either way whether you want another child. If you decide no then I would tell him that it is your final decision and he needs to get behind you or leave and find someone who would be willing to have another child. You say you have a good career, if you decide to go ahead then I would make him responsible for childcare, now you can split leave he takes months off if you want him to so you go back to work earlier. He does share of night wakings etc. If it is the birth and pregnancy which worries you there is surrogacy or other options he could investigate but If it is having two dc then you can't get around that. Make your own decision clearly first and be clear whether it is a never/ not now scenario.

Having said that I would find it hard to get beyond the vitamin pill episode.

Bunnymumma · 08/12/2018 06:19

It sounds like you're being punished for being sensible and honest. Good grief! If you don't want another, that is case closed. It's both of you saying yes or neither, there is no other reasonable way to conceive a child.

And tampering with your birth control??? Imagine if this was the other way around and you tampered with a condom! You'd be a psycho and a man-trapper!

I agree that if you're staying with this chap (and please do think about other options!), you need an implant or IUD fitted. For your own protection. Your body, your decision.

Mummyoflittledragon · 08/12/2018 06:29

This is no way to live. I hope he has backed off once and for all. You are not selfish for not wanting another child. My mother thinks I was. She bemoans the situation even to my friends periodically. But she didn’t have to go through what I went through, including ivf. Her health wasn’t permanently trashed from the treatment and birth of the first.

Please don’t go and live in another country with him. He’s too controlling. You could find yourself trapped in the country if he refuses permission to take your child home in the event of a split. It is an awfully long time before your ds is 16 / 18!

bumblenbean · 08/12/2018 06:32

So in summary:

  • He minimised/ dismissed your PND and acted as if you were making it up because HE couldn’t cope with it, resulting in you having to spend 5 months with your parents when you were vulnerable, depressed and full of postnatal hormones;
  • conveniently forgetting the above, he then tampered with your contraceptive in the hope you would fall pregnant which is frankly unforgivable and actually quite disturbing in its recklessness;
  • he won’t take no for an answer in discussions about having another child and brushes aside your protests with that old chauvinistic chestnut about ‘time of the month’.

I’m sorry OP but reading the above I really think he has put you in a terrible sitution and is being astonishingly selfish. What will he do if you have another son or suffer from PND again? Pack you off to your parents and suggest trying for a girl when you’re less hormonal?

I’m so sorry you’re in this position. Only you know if the relationship is what you want despite his behaviour. If it is, I really hope you are able to find a way to make him see how hugely unreasonable he is being and to stick to your guns and remember that your feelings matter as much as his.

Good luck OP Flowers

Weenurse · 08/12/2018 06:36

Hat @bumblenbean said