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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU if DH wants another child but I don't

245 replies

morethanaword · 08/12/2018 02:11

Myself and DH have been married for five years now, we are both 30. We already have a DS aged three who goes to nursery and both DH and I work full time earning good money and have agreed that we want to either relocate abroad or travel for a while as our son is still young.

DH and I met at university and we've never been the type to want a huge family, we discussed plans that we would keep things small. I come from a big family and I feel like I could never handle another child but lately DH and I have been arguing as he's very keen to have another child, discusses wanting a daughter and even asked his mum to have a chat with me.

This began about two years ago when our son turned one, DH was very keen to conceive and try for another child but due to work stress, we decided to put it on hold. However, I do not want another child, but as DH's family is small, he wants to keep our family as a good size. We never argue about other stuff except having another child and I'm not sure how to go about this.

I just feel very bad but I just can't handle another child, I love our son and my career is going great and I feel like being pregnant and having another kid will be stressful considering I suffered with PND with our son.

OP posts:

redexpat · 08/12/2018 10:29

You deserve so much better.

Bambamber · 08/12/2018 10:30

He is an absolute asshole. He doesn't exactly make having another child with him seen appealing.

BlueJava · 08/12/2018 10:37

Exactly as tildaMa said! I think you have to try and stop the conversation once and for all. I'd give him an ultimatum - if he really wants another child it won't be with you but he has to choose and then stop going on about it.

I can completely see why you wouldn't: severe PND, you have a career. To me it sounds you have stayed the same (wanting to move abroad etc.) but he has become a home body and wants to concentrate on increasing the family.

Coronapop · 08/12/2018 10:37

The fact that he couldn't cope with your PND to the point where you had to go and live with your parents for several months is really shocking. I'm surprised you went back to him. He doesn't sound like a supportive husband and father. Your reasons for not wanting another child are totally valid. In your situation I would also be very reluctant to move abroad with him away from family and friends.

Original poster

morethanaword · 08/12/2018 13:51

Hi all,

Thanks for the support it really means a lot. I’ve asked my husband for a talk this evening, I’ve mustered the courage to talk about everything and tell him my feelings and if he can’t see how much this hurts me then I’ll have to leave him.

As to a previous poster, I do love my husband and I really can’t see myself without him. As awful as it sounds, considering he hasn’t tried to do something as bad as what he did two years ago, his behaviour has been significantly better but he does mean a lot to me.

My mother asked me to consider having another child but I’m really not sure why she’s got to do with it, I know he’s not meddled as she’d say but because I mentioned not wanting another one, she thinks my reasons are foolish but I just can’t seem to understand that people can’t realise that one can be enough or that we have a choice to reproduce. I remind myself that there’s women out there that are infertile sadly and so I’m so lucky and they should be lucky that we have a child.

OP posts:

LightDrizzle · 08/12/2018 14:00

Your mum is probably just being a bit selfish and also not really listening to you.
Squishy new babies and inquisitive toddlers are adorable, all the more so when you aren’t attached to them by a cracked nipple yourself or struggling with sleep deprivation. Lots of people do the whole “You’ll change you mind. You’ll see!” thing, and to be fair some woman do change their minds. However it’s pretty patronising and your mum of all people should see that you have some very good reasons behind your decision.
Is your husband’s frankly shocking lack of understanding or support during your PND being dealt with in your joint counselling sessions? If not, I don’t rate your counsellor much. It was dreadful and not normal on his part. PND is such a serious and distressing illness, you did well to forgive him.

Original poster

morethanaword · 08/12/2018 14:09

@LightDrizzle well my mum is retired so she’d love another GC to play with and look after when I’m at work but it’s not happening.

As of right now we’ve stopped counselling as we both thought we had overcome the hurdles so far, my husband said he was sorry for not understanding the PND and realised that it was very much real and said that I couldn’t help being depressed but that he takes back me having to move with my parents as it was totally unfair but it gave him chance to reflect.

OP posts:

DontCallMeCharlotte · 08/12/2018 14:36

Show him one of the many "I want another baby but DH says no" threads on here. He'll know exactly where he stands then as they're pretty unanimous.

Youseethethingis · 08/12/2018 14:37

OP, I know you love him, but this is the person who is going to show your son how to be a man. I can’t imagine my desolation if a son of mine treated his wife the way you have been treated. I really would consider telling him he is more than welcome to fuck off and make a football team with some other breeding sow woman.

DontCallMeCharlotte · 08/12/2018 14:38

And I echo you getting the coil or implant if only to put your mind at rest.

ID81241 · 08/12/2018 14:41

I'm ignoring the birth control tampering issue which you seem to have both had counselling over and rebuilt the trust since. I think if you were to consider having another child with him he'd need to absolutely understand the realities of PND and support you through that. Also you'd need to be sure that he'd be just as happy with a boy. But having a child is a big decision and impacts life irreversibly (as you're more than aware) so if in doubt, don't.

Original poster

morethanaword · 08/12/2018 15:10

I know he’s been horrible to me, betrayed my trust and broke me but I really wish I could show how much he’s changed after therapy etc. It took us a while, I wasn’t willing to forgive easily but we got there in the end.

The reason I say he’s a good dad is that he puts our son first, I finish work later than he does so he’s made the dinner when I’ve got home and teaches our son to talk properly and makes sure he’s equipped for school. I’d say we’ve shared the upbringing of our son, despite the first few months due to his intolerance of my PND. I think he was wanting to prove me wrong by looking after DS more.

Perhaps I have tried to minimise his behaviour or shrug it off but really I haven’t let him off the hook and we’ve gone through a lot to be at this stage now where we trust each other.

OP posts:

AnotherEmma · 08/12/2018 15:16

I'm sorry but I can't get past the fact that he swapped out your pill. IMO that's unforgivable. I'm amazed that you've been able to work through it and trust him again.

Original poster

morethanaword · 08/12/2018 15:19

@AnotherEmma I really didn’t want to forgive him, I was broken and I was nearly on the brink of divorce but we both sat down and discussed it and he admitted he wanted to seek help and said that he was only influenced by some pricks on some forum because he was that desperate for a child.

We then agreed to seek help and we began therapy and worked things through.

OP posts:

mummmy2017 · 08/12/2018 15:26

The tell him, you have moved on, he needs too see that right now you never want to be in the same situation again.
That you feel you have all moved on and jellied as a family.
You don't want to break your life apart for a second child, that to go back to the worse time you can imagine, but with two children is your personal nightmare...
That can't he see from your point of view, a second child could equal a divorce, not a happy family.

AntMoon · 08/12/2018 15:29

I'm in the minority and don't think he's instantly a bad guy because he did a bad thing. Has no one here ever made a mistake?

I think you have a lot of strength to hold onto the relationship and I hope he deserves you, and shows that by listening to you when you talk later. Good luck.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 08/12/2018 15:32

I agree you need to talk to someone about whether you do want another child and are too scared because of the pnd, or just don't want one.

It's fine not to want a larger family. People are hung up on other people's choices and that 2 or 3 kids is perfect, then judge people for having less or more than this even though it is nothing to do with them and has zero impact on their lives.

It's about what is best for the family. Your husband needs to realise that if he bullies you into it, you will resent him, resent the child, and it will impact on the whole family if your mental health deteriorates. Having a baby when you dont want one, just to plesse other people, benefits no one. If you had to move at your parents for 5 months your son is now old enough to realise there is an issue and remember it.

I believe pnd can be easier to manage if you recognise the signs from before and get help quickly. However you would need a good support system and would have to be sure your husband would put you first. Which he doesn't seem too be doing with applying all this pressure.

It sounds like he is just not listening to you. If you've said no, the response should be 'can we talk about it in 6 months' or something not 'OK when can we start trying then'. He isn't taking it seriously. You need to tell him you will never be ready and see if it is a deal breaker for him

Sweetpea55 · 08/12/2018 15:52

Well he cant actually force you to have another baby can he.

I cant believe he asked your mum to have a word with you,! How embarrassing for you

FestiveNut · 08/12/2018 15:57

Good luck with your discussion, OP. Remember, you are not being unreasonable, your feelings are valid and no one's opinion matters more in this than yours does. Your body, your choice. And tell your mum to wind her body neck in.

FestiveNut · 08/12/2018 15:58

*bloody, not body

Singlenotsingle · 08/12/2018 16:02

What's the hurry? You're only 30 so you've probably got another ten years to think about it. You may change your mind; you may not, but it's more likely if he backs off. He obviously loves you OP.

Sweetpea55 · 08/12/2018 16:16

He;s not really taking your feelings into account is he, After your previous bad experience with PND he should have more understanding. And your mother doesnt sound much better,,and she should mind her own bloody business

PositivelyPERF · 08/12/2018 16:20

He obviously loves you OP.

Really? You think a man that is trying to bully his wife into forced pregnancy and labour, takes the time to go out looking for a vitamin tablet that looks like a pill, so he can get her pregnant AGAINST HER WILL, doesn’t believe in PND and recruits his mother into the bullying, loves her? Blimey! Talk about setting the bar low!

The pill thing wasn’t a ‘spur of the moment’ thing, OP. He was on a website with other men discussing how to get you pregnant against your will, FFS! He must have been researching online. He would have had to research through vitamin tablets to get one that looks the same, secretly take your packet of pills, open them carefully so he doesn’t make it obvious and swap the tablets around.

Get away from this man or you’ll end up trapped in a marriage with this gaslighting bully.

Original poster

morethanaword · 08/12/2018 18:13

I would like to point out that his mother didn't bully me in any way, nor did I mention it. My mother has been the one to try to incite me to have another child yes, the only thing his mother has done is discuss potential children in the future etc.

OP posts:

TedAndLola · 08/12/2018 18:33

He sounds worse and worse with every update, and it's really sad how casually you describe some of his behaviour.

It sounds like you're dealing with this really well and I hope he's really listened to you and isn't just pacifying you because he thinks it's your time of the month.

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