AIBU to think my friends fiancé is a married man?

[MysteryManchild]

NC for obvious reasons.

Friend has been with her ‘fiance’ for 4 years. I’ve met him 5 times despite me and her being best friends for 15 years. She has a 2yo DD who she loves whole heartedly. Her DD and my DS are best friends, we hang out at least 5 times a week doing various activities with the babies.

So her DF travels for work constantly. Literally comes home for 1 night every 3 weeks. Sometimes he is uncontainable when he is ‘busy’ or doing very secretive stuff, because get this ....he works for the government. Apparently he can’t tell work about their relationship because she’s originally from America (lived here since she was ten, though doesn’t have a British passport), so their relationship is secret from his work and even his parents (she’s never met them). Friend buys all this because she loves him so much, but she’s lost all her other friends and family because of this so I’m all she has. Her mum has told her that she’s a fool and can’t stand to see her DGD have such a non existent father.

So a few points:

• he is invisible on social media, has no account on anything.
• literally home 1 weeknight every three weeks or so, sometimes more.
• she’s never met friends or family
• he claims to be a spy or whatever. (Not technically a spy but works for the government and can’t claim their relationship??)
• says he gets no holiday and also works 7 days a week, every week.
• claims to work 24 hours straight sometimes and that’s why he sometimes goes off the radar. (Wouldn’t you like, die if you never got a day off and worked this long frequently)
• doesn’t really know anything about DD, she’s kinda on her own with her
• apparently can’t get any time off over Christmas so she’s spending it with me and my DS. (Surely no one works Christmas Day if they work for the government? Unless.. he is a spy?)

There’s probably more but I can’t think! Happy to answer any questions!

Also to note, she won’t listen to reason and has cut EVERYONE out who questioned it so I really can’t bring this up, we are all she has, seriously.

SO! AIBU to think he’s a lying shit who probably has a wife and kids????

Have you googled his number or tried looking for him via 192.com?

I would take a step back and just be a friend. She needs to challenge him herself but she will really need you more than ever when the truth (or some version of it) eventually comes out...

I think the OP is not unreasonable to suspect her friend is being conned, but I suspect that the OP cannot be other than supportive when the truth comes out.

A friend was in a similar situation (though very early stages of the relationship)
She found out who he was by reverse google searching his WhatsApp picture, it bought up a Facebook page! Could be worth a try if you have one?

If this were actually real, it wouldn't be the friend who was the gullible one here. It'd be OP for thinking the friend actually believes any of it.

I was stupid enough to date a guy like this years ago. He was a secret squirrel, would go off radar, couldn't put pictures on social media, he used his 'work' as an excuse for pretty much everything. He had a girlfriend, as well as a number of other girls he was telling the same bullshit stories to.

Does the little girl go to school yet? If so school would want all his contact details etc

The only government person who works 24/7 is Mycroft Holmes and he's fictional.

I do wonder what people tell their children when they’re the offspring of a married man. After all, there are women out there who knowingly have children with MM and remain the OW for years. What do they tell their children then?

The truth is that this would all unravel when the DD started school if it were really the friend who was putting about this story. After all if the man was a spy to the point his family would be at risk if his employers knew about them then the school would need to be aware of that in order that the safety of their other pupils could be considered.

One of the mums at the school my ds used to go to knew someone who won something like £51m on the euro millions and the school wouldn’t take their dd on school trips etc any more because her being there put the other children at risk of harm etc.

If they're engaged have they set a date for wedding.

Without a doubt he's talking rubbish. I would try and track him somehow or even just throw in a "your wife has been in touch with me, please explain everything!"

Someone upthread said the arrangement is of benefit to the woman... how? He gives her no money, he rolls in for a shag once a month or every 3 weeks and then buggers off again. I've had a better FWB arrangement than that! If he was paying her flat or supporting her, maybe different, but not.

When I was in my twenties (decades ago) a very good customer where I worked and who used to take staff out for lunchtime meals etc... he approached me with a proposition. He would set me up in a flat in the swankiest part of town, he would give me an allowance and he would call round when he wanted, you get the picture. Yes, he was married. Yes I turned him down flat.

Even though that's a grubby little arrangement, at least I would've got something out of it. The OP's friend gets absolutely zero from this shyster of a man.

Well, it could be of benefit to her if she doesn’t want to be in a relationship as such but admitting she was single would lead her family and friends into wanting to set her up.

Also, if she knew that she was getting involved with a married man then she likely knows that her family and friends would judge her for that, especially as there’s now a child in the picture. Whereas if she paints this picture of him being a spy and no-one being allowed to know about her etc people are more likely to feel sorry for her.

Thing is, the spy story has so many holes that nobody in their right mind would believe that A, she didn’t know the truth or B, that she hadn’t concocted the story herself rather than it being him.

Cutting off her friends and family who challenge this fact is her way of maintaining the potential victim status while the married man is likely completely oblivious to the fact that she’s even spreading this bullshit about him.

And actually, we don’t even know that there is a man do we? The OP stated that she sees him every few weeks just for one night, but she also said that she’s only met him five times in the four years they’ve been together. Just because she says there’s a man, doesn’t mean there is.

tumpymummy the school do not need the details of an absent father. She can just draw a line through that box on the form. The school just needs an emergency contact which obviously won't be him.

Having been both a single parent and an Early Years teacher I can vouch for this.

My ex SIL ended up in a relationship with someone like this, until my DB got a private investigator onto him and proved that he was married, just had a normal job etc. This was many, many years ago, well before OLD, and I think there have always been people who just get a kick out of having a secret, second life, sadly.

I have also known people who have had very hush hush jobs, and they have normal family lives, even if they have to travel and may be away for a few weeks at a time. However they have plenty of time off, go on holidays, live at home with their families etc.

As tumpymummy has said, once their DD starts school, they will want his contact details, for emergency purposes, and also because they will want to make sure that both parents, when not living together, are kept informed and updated. Likewise, as SummerGems mentioned, if his work is so secret and important, then he and his DD are potential targets, and the school will need to know and have a plan in place. My DD was at school with the DC of a couple of Russians, who were both significant targets due to their work, and the school had a detailed plan in place in case anything happened.

If she deep down knows that she is the OW, that she is effectively a single parent, then fair enough. It's her decision. However what does she/will she tell her DD, who will start asking questions at some point?

However if she really really doesn't realise that this is a complete web of lies, then it is scary. She is totally wasting her life waiting around for this man.

If they are engaged, then is the wedding being planned, have they set a date? I guess you don't want to push your friend away by keep questioning the whole set up, but you could keep asking her about the wedding, suggest she pushes to set a date etc.

In your shoes I have to say that I would get a PI on to him if I could afford it. Would you be able to contact her family to get them to help with the cost? I really don't think I could stand by and let this man ruin my friend's life. All you would need is for her to tell you when he was visiting, and then for a PI to follow him when he leaves, and build from there. In fact, would you be able to do that initially, or do you have friends who would be willing to do that?

But glamorousgrandmother if we take the story at face value, he's not an absent father, is he? He is a father who "works away much of the time" but still has contact with his DD. The DD will presumably talk about him at school, do a card for him on Father's Day etc.

The friend may choose not to put any of his details down, but when the DD starts mentioning him, writes about having seen him, school may start worrying that they are not communicating with him.

Lets hope that this awful pretence is over long before she starts school.

Spies don't say they are spies, or that they work for the government.
They say they are civil servants/home office or foreign office workers.

To all those saying that this is made up.. something very similar happened to a friend of mine but it was her husband who went off the radar for about 3 years for his ‘job’ in the government and spent those years living/having an affair with another woman. It was extremely bizarre and she believed for a number of years.. he was an IT contractor and he said his contract meant he had to live a secret life and couldn’t contact the family etc. They had been together over 20 years before this so she thought she knew him well enough and unbelievably believed him - because she didn’t want to doubt him I suppose..

Also to note, she won’t listen to reason and has cut EVERYONE out who questioned it so I really can’t bring this up, we are all she has, seriously.

^I think your friend knows that he is married.

I have heard of many men having double lives, two families etc. I've never heard of a woman doing this. Obviously, children, parents, etc would make it far more difficult but, although some women have secret lovers and longstanding affairs, I've never found this level of deception. Is it exclusively male?

Yes but there’s a vast difference in the plausibility of:

“I work in a job for the government, as such I will need to disappear off radar for periods of time where I can’t have any contact and I won’t be able to talk about my work,”. And

“I work in a secret job where I have to disappear off radar for all but one day a month, I get literally no holiday, can’t talk about my job, and because you’re a foreigner you’re a threat to national security so my employers can never know of your existence or the existence of our child.”

The former is unbelievable but people do fall for those lines. The latter is entirely implausible and no-one, literally no-one would fall for it because if they worked as a spy they A, wouldn’t be able to tell their partner, and B, given it’s government secret service, it’s implausible to think that they could just say nothing and the employer would take that at face value given the line of work they’re apparently in.

I'm not saying this has never happened to anybody...

Cosmos that kind of thing I can understand, if you've known someone for 20 years and they've previously been quite normal.

I've had a quick look at the Mary Thomson Turner story that someone posted upthread. He asked her to marry him after a month - that's a red flag before he even came out with stuff about being an intelligence agent etc.

I worked in a highly sensitive part of government. My security clearance involved background and financial checks on my partner, family members and even some friends. My partner knew what my job was but didn't know details. I generally told people I didn't know I worked in an office to avoid any following up questions.

I've moved onto an even more sensitive role and was checked again along with DP whom was now my DH family. Again I tell people I'm a civil servant but just mundane boring office work.

My DH and family know what I do but not details. DH knows slightly more as I'm allowed to be open with him to an extent. I'm away from home however DH knows where and for how long. I don't go off the grid in fact when I'm away I've to be in more contact so that people know im safe. I still get days off though can be recalled at short notice. I'm on call alot but its on rota to ensure we have work life balance and i get my full holiday entitlement.

When I'm away I don't pay for my own accommodation that's paid for by mu employer, if i have to pay due to short notice its refunded to me.

This man is lying or your friend is lying. Either way she is the OW

Does she put any pictures of him on social media? If so, you could try doing a reverse image check on google (I just tried it with a pic of me and it says I am "a lady" - which is very nice. It also showed "similar images" and none of those women looked a lot like me - but it's worth a try?.
Then, if he is anywhere online it would show you the results?

Have you thought about doing a reverse image search for him? Get a photo of him drop it in to google and see what comes up! If he has an online presence at all you might be able to find him! It might be under another name but he could be out there!