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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think my friends fiancé is a married man?

610 replies

MysteryManchild · 07/12/2018 13:47

NC for obvious reasons.

Friend has been with her ‘fiance’ for 4 years. I’ve met him 5 times despite me and her being best friends for 15 years. She has a 2yo DD who she loves whole heartedly. Her DD and my DS are best friends, we hang out at least 5 times a week doing various activities with the babies.

So her DF travels for work constantly. Literally comes home for 1 night every 3 weeks. Sometimes he is uncontainable when he is ‘busy’ or doing very secretive stuff, because get this ....he works for the government. Apparently he can’t tell work about their relationship because she’s originally from America (lived here since she was ten, though doesn’t have a British passport), so their relationship is secret from his work and even his parents (she’s never met them). Friend buys all this because she loves him so much, but she’s lost all her other friends and family because of this so I’m all she has. Her mum has told her that she’s a fool and can’t stand to see her DGD have such a non existent father.

So a few points:

  • he is invisible on social media, has no account on anything.
  • literally home 1 weeknight every three weeks or so, sometimes more.
  • she’s never met friends or family
  • he claims to be a spy or whatever. (Not technically a spy but works for the government and can’t claim their relationship??)
  • says he gets no holiday and also works 7 days a week, every week.
  • claims to work 24 hours straight sometimes and that’s why he sometimes goes off the radar. (Wouldn’t you like, die if you never got a day off and worked this long frequently)
  • doesn’t really know anything about DD, she’s kinda on her own with her
  • apparently can’t get any time off over Christmas so she’s spending it with me and my DS. (Surely no one works Christmas Day if they work for the government? Unless.. he is a spy?)

There’s probably more but I can’t think! Happy to answer any questions!

Also to note, she won’t listen to reason and has cut EVERYONE out who questioned it so I really can’t bring this up, we are all she has, seriously.

SO! AIBU to think he’s a lying shit who probably has a wife and kids????

OP posts:
longwayoff · 09/12/2018 10:14

Agree Iused2ban, as far as I know they maintained relationships/marriages/parenthood in real life throughout their important work of persecuting, betraying and possibly? Who knows? Setting up relatively harmless environmentalists. Everyone's been paid off so has nothing to say apart from one of the women who had a child by the brave public servant who was using her. Said child, now adult, tracked down papa and apparently they are now close. Lovely. Utterly disgusting and all on the public purse.

GetMeOffThisCycleOfMisery · 09/12/2018 11:46

Hey OP. This has been picked up by some lazy arse hack.

www.mamamia.com.au/how-to-tell-if-fiance-cheating/

SummerGems · 09/12/2018 11:52

I suspect the OP got bored given she got the plotline wrong and people didn’t buy it......

Iused2BanOptimist · 09/12/2018 12:00

Longwayoff Shock What a kick in the teeth for the poor woman/mother of the child. I can understand child wanting to track down father/know more, it's common enough but I don't suppose the poor woman has quite got to the forgive and forget stage yet.

Skyejuly · 09/12/2018 12:09

In terms of benefits, it is actually fraud. Even if he is never there. If you live as a couple or consider yourself a couple then how often he stays is irrelevant. It should 100% be a joint claim, else it is fraud.

Slightlyjaded · 09/12/2018 12:10

I ALWAYS get sucked into these and I am always left wondering what the point is Confused

I “get” the trolls who post tragic stories for sympathy and attention - I assume they are lonely and desperate, but what does the OP get out of this one? Genuine question.

Motoko · 09/12/2018 12:32

You can be in a couple, not living together, and still claim as a single parent. He obviously has another home, where he's registered. It's only if he was staying round hers for most of the week, that she'd be done for benefit fraud.

SummerGems · 09/12/2018 12:36

Actually I think that questions might be asked if someone were to report her, because there are couples who deliberately live apart in order for one of them to be able to claim benefits, and this is seen as fraud.

It’s not black and white, but if someone did report her the DSS would investigate, and it’s likely his situation would then become apparent.

Skyejuly · 09/12/2018 12:39

Even if you live apart you have to tell them if you have someone you consider a partner. Engaged means this is so.

HildaZelda · 09/12/2018 12:45

I haven't read the full thread and I can see that some people are suspicious about the whole thing anyway, but my first thought was "This woman is in a relationship with Gary Sparrow!"

Mouse14 · 09/12/2018 12:46

What a shit situation for her. He's clearly married. It's the little girl I feel sorry for, what will happen as she grows up?

I sense that she's in denial but obviously happy being the OW. Well maybe not happy but she has a child and sees him once a week and for those few precious hours can live her dream..... Sadly, some people will put up with anything if it means they get to be a mummy

Milly848 · 09/12/2018 13:31

Oh come on, how can anyone believe this?

OP has clearly watched Mrs Wilson and is having a bit of a laugh. No way can this be real.

beanaseireann · 09/12/2018 14:08

I sometimes think journalists themselves start a thread so they have something to write about. 

Patroclus · 09/12/2018 14:55

If this was real, you could just leave her an anonymous note telling her the 'truth'. Even if its not the truth, hes a scumbag.

deste · 09/12/2018 16:41

Someone very close to me works undercover (government) and his job has to be kept secret but he finishes at four every day.

JosieJasper · 09/12/2018 18:22

Not sure about this story being true but I know for a fact my MILs Dad had two other families on the go. He was a very respected middle-class government employee. He was only married to MILs Mum, they had 6 kids but he also had kids with the other two women. I think all three of the women must have been aware but in complete denial, I just don’t get why?? The other women’s kids must have had a miserable life as they would have hardly seen their father and received nothing from his Will. To top it off, MIL slags off FIL for cheating (even though they had actually already split) but her Dad was apparently an amazing man Hmm

glamorousgrandmother · 09/12/2018 22:07

It's not true that if you are engaged you are considered to be a couple for benefit.

Also schools haven't got the time or the inclination to look for an absent father even if the child does mention him. This situation crops up more often than you might think. I can't remember who brought that up a couple of pages ago.

OMGafourth · 10/12/2018 10:02

Just waiting here for the story to fully unfold... 🍿 🍿 🍿

PackingSoap · 10/12/2018 11:04

Op, if you've ever met him, you would be able to tell.

Senior civil servants working in sensitive areas have a certain manner about them and when they talk about their work, they sort of never say anything. So it's the absence of information that's telling, iyswim.

The social media thing though is not unusual, neither is image protection. DH had no other social media apart from a very locked-down Facebook and his profile picture is always an inanimate object.

Ime, if he was stationed abroad, he wouldn't be coming back so regularly. I have a friend who works in diplomatic security in sensitive countries and his contracts are long. He comes home every six months or so.

woolduvet · 10/12/2018 12:28

There seems to be a few posts recently where the op starts an interesting thread then doesn't return.

AlexaAmbidextra · 10/12/2018 12:47

I think OP has been silenced by the spook. 😱

90mammasophie · 10/12/2018 13:03

Wow! Sounds like he's married.

How could you find out ... ?

  • What's the address on his driving license. Could you have a quick peek if you spot his wallet lying around (I know not the most moral thing to do)
  • Full name. Check the electoral roll in the area you believe he could be from. This can be accessed through local council.
  • Does he drive? Could you pop an old phone (with IPhone tracker) in his car and see where he goes to, if that would even work.

Ahh I don't know!! But I really hope you are able to help your friend find out. Poor thing.

ktp100 · 10/12/2018 22:04

What is the point of troll hunting?! Seriously, if you think it's bullshit go read another thread. Someof us were enjoying it!

MaisyPops · 10/12/2018 22:12

ktp100
Agreed. Even if it's not all genuine sometimes an old fashioned piece of god natured make believe makes for some amusing threads.
Much better than other furry handed threads.

SheCameFromGreeceSheHadaThirst · 10/12/2018 22:25

Some of us were enjoying it!

Enjoying the soap opera of some gullible fool, and by extension her child, being taken in by a confidence trickster?