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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think my friends fiancé is a married man?

610 replies

MysteryManchild · 07/12/2018 13:47

NC for obvious reasons.

Friend has been with her ‘fiance’ for 4 years. I’ve met him 5 times despite me and her being best friends for 15 years. She has a 2yo DD who she loves whole heartedly. Her DD and my DS are best friends, we hang out at least 5 times a week doing various activities with the babies.

So her DF travels for work constantly. Literally comes home for 1 night every 3 weeks. Sometimes he is uncontainable when he is ‘busy’ or doing very secretive stuff, because get this ....he works for the government. Apparently he can’t tell work about their relationship because she’s originally from America (lived here since she was ten, though doesn’t have a British passport), so their relationship is secret from his work and even his parents (she’s never met them). Friend buys all this because she loves him so much, but she’s lost all her other friends and family because of this so I’m all she has. Her mum has told her that she’s a fool and can’t stand to see her DGD have such a non existent father.

So a few points:

  • he is invisible on social media, has no account on anything.
  • literally home 1 weeknight every three weeks or so, sometimes more.
  • she’s never met friends or family
  • he claims to be a spy or whatever. (Not technically a spy but works for the government and can’t claim their relationship??)
  • says he gets no holiday and also works 7 days a week, every week.
  • claims to work 24 hours straight sometimes and that’s why he sometimes goes off the radar. (Wouldn’t you like, die if you never got a day off and worked this long frequently)
  • doesn’t really know anything about DD, she’s kinda on her own with her
  • apparently can’t get any time off over Christmas so she’s spending it with me and my DS. (Surely no one works Christmas Day if they work for the government? Unless.. he is a spy?)

There’s probably more but I can’t think! Happy to answer any questions!

Also to note, she won’t listen to reason and has cut EVERYONE out who questioned it so I really can’t bring this up, we are all she has, seriously.

SO! AIBU to think he’s a lying shit who probably has a wife and kids????

OP posts:
justsmellingthecoffee · 08/12/2018 22:23

Are you sure about your friend? Having known a woman who told increasingly fantastic stories about her husband, it became obvious that he was abusive and, for some reason, she coped by lying about him to other people. Unfortunately, as a compulsive liar, she lost many friends and must have done her children no end of harm. Perhaps your friend is trying to glamourise her own life?

Tryintohelp · 08/12/2018 22:41

@JustwhatIneedednow there's nothing in there that isn't common knowledge on websites about either our own government or others. This guy's story is so full of (easily fixable) holes, it's like he's not even trying.

BunsOfAnarchy · 08/12/2018 22:49

The more i read this thread the more it cements that your friend KNOWS EVERYTHING.

All she is doing is covering for him. I know this. Ive done this.

When i was 17 i was deeply in love with an absolute twat of a human being who first said he was 21 then turned out to be a father of 2 and aged 30. He refused to admit he was married yet he lived with the mother of his kids. I was NEVER allowed to call or text during certain times of the day. Once i did and he went ape shit and said his son read it and all hell broke loose. I could only text in the time window of when he text first. I could only call his 2nd line which was always off until 10pm at night...

I would tell my friends all sorts because my vision was so clouded. I said he was brilliant and loving and thoughtful but just a hard worker so could just about find time to see me. Except he would see me when it suited him and id never know in advance, he would call up randomly at 9/10/11pm and id have to lie or sneak out within 30 mins to see him.

I told my friends he was busy and owned his own business and worked days and nights and weekends. Id convinced myself i could have a baby with him (wtf?!) and live like that forever...him only seeing me once a week/2 weeks and it would be happily ever after. Fuck my life what a ridiculous dream eh? (Thank god i never fell pregnant!)
Then i left him and GREW THE FUCK UP.

She knows op. She knows everything. She is lying to cover for him. If she didnt know i bet you she would atleast be suspicious but she isnt.

She knows.

givemesteel · 08/12/2018 22:50

Oh dear,when I first started reading the thread I had hoped that the daughter wasn't his. Agree she is too invested to admit what she knows deep down.

She needs to grow up though, as her daughter gets older she will be affected by the lies more and more as she will be ridiculed if she starts saying her dad is some sort of 007 figure in the playground.

If you want to help her poor daughter, I would talk to her mum about hiring a PI and getting hard proof of this man with his other partner/family. If the evidence is unequivocal she will actually have to deal with the reality of the situation and build a better life for her daughter.

I sympathise with her predicament but she's got to start acting like an adult.

Letsmoveondude · 08/12/2018 23:04

sorry i know that my post is a little besides the point of the thread, but Im just sat open mouthed saying.....oh god. some MNers are secret service... how exciting. has literally made my day.

OP. your friend will know theres so so much up, but she will be far too embarassed to ever admit it. bless her poor daughter, does remind me of Mrs Wilson though.

ohwownosnow · 08/12/2018 23:27

Where's OP gone?

blueskiesandforests · 08/12/2018 23:33

Disappointing plot building @MysteryManchild

PulyaSochsup · 08/12/2018 23:49

Has she watched Goodnight Sweetheart? It's terribly sad that your friend is going through this, she's going to have to open her eyes Sad

Iseveryusernametaken · 08/12/2018 23:55

You could try googling his phone number (works on fb too). He probably has several numbers but sometimes the complacency of people can be surprising.

ilovekale · 09/12/2018 00:06

Im dying to know what happened! Did you find anything OP?

GabsAlot · 09/12/2018 00:12

@borisanddoris i wendt to the premier of that love it

yes op hes lying of course and she does nbow or she woldnt have cut everyone off for even suggesting it

maybe instead of the lieing aspect you can approach it as do you really want a ltr with someone u see once a month for the rest of your lives

HeebieJeebies456 · 09/12/2018 02:46

she won’t listen to reason and has cut EVERYONE out who questioned it so I really can’t bring this up, we are all she has, seriously

Your 'friend' has some serious issues!
Nobody is this stupid/gullible for this long and to this extent.
She KNOWS she's the OW!
For some reason she's decided to accept the crumbs he throws her and believe her own fantasy.

You tolerating this and going along with her fantasy is enabling her to remain enmeshed in a very unhealthy dynamic and remain out of touch with reality.
I bet it's not the first time she's indulged in this kind of delusion.

She isn't your friend because she'll dump you the minute you start behave like a normal friend and question this and try to help her.
She's chosen to drop people and friendships - you're not responsible for her.

Personally, i couldn't remain friends with a pathological liar and fantasist who would dump me if i dared not to support their delusion.

Scarriff · 09/12/2018 05:30

If he "worked for the Government" he would have told her but she would not be allowed to tell anyone else. He wouldn't have social media presence but he would have family and friends and would have holidays sane as everyone else. I agree that watching Mrs. Wilson might be educational for your friend.

rainbowquack · 09/12/2018 06:17

What happened when you saw your friend yesterday @MysteryManchild ?

Have you been silenced by the spy?

tenredthings · 09/12/2018 07:11

Does your friend realise the profound effect this delusion will have on her DD ? As DD grows up is her mum going to spin her this story about her dad ? What happens when DD finds out that everything she believed was in fact a lie. Devastating !

DaffydownClock · 09/12/2018 07:29

He's a complete fantasist, she's 100% living in cloud cuckoo land.
Quite honestly I'd leave them to it, she's clearly got no intention of listening to you OP.

Grannyannex · 09/12/2018 07:45

She knows. Maybe this suits her though

Battytwatty · 09/12/2018 08:18

RTFT PEOPLE!!!

Watching Mrs Wilson
DVLA check
Googling his phone number
Etc etc etc
Have all been suggested already.

LoniceraJaponica · 09/12/2018 08:19

Why hasn't the OP come back?
The whole thing sounds a bit far fetched to me.

Candymay · 09/12/2018 08:24

Yes he’s married. 100%

SunnySummerDays · 09/12/2018 08:26

Follow him....

AwakeNow · 09/12/2018 09:29

He could have a girl in every port.

AndhowcouldIeverrefuse · 09/12/2018 09:44

What Lonicera said. It was a good yarn while it lasted Smile

Iused2BanOptimist · 09/12/2018 09:54

Those policemen who went undercover and had relationships including children - they must have had days off/holiday etc, did they go back to their real lives from time to time?
That was all very bizarre not least that a handful of greeny animal rights fanatics should be considered so important to merit all that level of infiltration and investigation. Did any actual good result from it all ie prosecutions or prevention of hem?

liverbird10 · 09/12/2018 09:55

This deserves the Booker Prize. Category: Blatantly Obvious Horseshit.