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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH doesn't get up until lunch time

156 replies

robinsinthespring · 07/12/2018 11:37

My DH is retired. (I work a 2 mornings a week). He never gets up until at least noon, and last week he stayed in bed till past 2pm. When we were on an all inclusive holiday in a lovely location he still wouldn't get up, not joining me on the beach till lunchtime. Am I being unreasonable to feel sad that life is being wasted and angry and upset that I have to do so much by myself. I try to encourage him to get up, but all I get is daft excuses like "I'm listening to music" or" I must have drifted off again". Should I just carry on doing my own thing? WWYD?

OP posts:
GivingBloodFeelingGreat · 07/12/2018 11:47

He's retired. I think he's earned some time for himself.

And having to get up early on HOLIDAY does not sound like a holiday to me.

Original poster
robinsinthespring · 07/12/2018 11:51

Yes, but every single day?

OP posts:
PumpkinKitty82 · 07/12/2018 11:52

How recently retired is he ? Maybe he’s just catching up on lost sleep .
The holiday thing would annoy me though , yes you don’t need to get up at the crack of dawn but he could be napping on the beach in the sun rather than inside !
Maybe in a few months he’ll find a better use of the time or maybe he’s bored and can’t think of anything to do so he sleeps

Original poster
robinsinthespring · 07/12/2018 12:05

He took early retirement from his main job about 10 years ago and has had a couple of short term jobs since then. He has been fully retired for about 6 years. I'm not exaggerating when I say this has been happening 85% of the last 6 years! which is why I'm posting here.

OP posts:
Wordthe · 07/12/2018 12:13

I would just leave him to it and find lots of exciting interesting things to do on my own😊

maybe he's someone who needs a lot of his own space and having a different schedule to you is a way of getting alone time?

Wordthe · 07/12/2018 12:14

Does he also go to bed very late?

kaitlinktm · 07/12/2018 12:19

It is depressing, waiting around for people to get up but if I were you I would go out at a time that suited me to do stuff at least on some days - meeting friends, whatever - and if he complains tell him he can either get up earlier or put up with it. Some things you can do in the afternoons - I'm not saying never do anything together - but I wouldn't be working to his timetable as it would make me resentful and depressed.

crochetmonkey74 · 07/12/2018 12:30

OP this would really annoy me too- but I am not sure what I would want to do about it- when you've spoken about it, what does he say?

Nanny0gg · 07/12/2018 12:30

Go out and find your own interests and your own friends.

Then leave him to it.

masterandmargarita · 07/12/2018 12:31

I think its a shit way to live if you're part of a couple. This would annoy me too.

Confusedbeetle · 07/12/2018 12:32

He might be depressed, or feeling a little aimless /rudderless after work. It hits everyone differently

Fairenuff · 07/12/2018 12:34

Am I being unreasonable to feel sad that life is being wasted and angry and upset that I have to do so much by myself.

You spend 5 out of 7 mornings on your own. Surely you can amuse yourself for that time?

You have all afternoon and evening together every single day. When he was working you presumably spent 5 out of 7 days away from him.

If you particularly want a day out then plan it in with him. Otherwise YABU.

SendintheArdwolves · 07/12/2018 12:35

Personally I wouldn't like it (and would be all judgy and think he was being idle and wasting his life) but it depends how much it bothers YOU, op.

Does he expect you to do more around the house, organise his social life and generally pick up the slack for his lazy ways? If so, stop doing all those things.

If you're on holiday, plan fun stuff to do and not necessarily for just the morning. Go on an all day excursion, see the things you want to see and tell him all about it in the evening.

He may not mind - in fact, this may suit him. If it also suits you, excellent. If it doesn't, reconsider the relationship.

Wordthe · 07/12/2018 12:35

I would make out that it doesn't bother me in the slightest in fact I would use it as an excuse to go out and have fun and indulge myself
And then I would see what his response is to this, his reaction will tell you whether he's doing it to piss you off / put you down, or for other reasons

A580Hojas · 07/12/2018 12:37

Yanbu. I would absolutely hate this. You are very incompatible in this respect aren't you? I don't blame you for feeling that life is passing you by Flowers.

Isitweekendyet · 07/12/2018 12:44

Is he depressed/just sees nothing to get up for and has got into a routine of sleeping in.

I'm assuming he's in late 50's? It must be a huge change from working full time to doing completely nothing. What does he do on a day to day basis?

Have you tried telling him how you feel?

adaline · 07/12/2018 12:48

I'm kind of torn here. You don't have small children or a dog that needs walking so really there's nothing he "has" to get up for. I imagine he's enjoying the freedom and resents being told to get up like a teenager on school holidays!

However I think it would drive me mad if DH decided to lie in bed half the day, everyday. A couple of times a week, sure, but otherwise it would bother me - especially if I was still working and having to keep to some form of routine in terms of sleep etc.

What does he say when you bring it up?

HellenaHandbasket · 07/12/2018 12:49

It seems very lazy, which is in itself an unattractive trait

tillytrotter1 · 07/12/2018 12:50

I tell my daughters that I rarely get up in single figures, especially at this time of year, my bed is far more comfy than a leather sofa!

zzzzz · 07/12/2018 12:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Penguinsetpandas · 07/12/2018 12:54

If he's staying up late then would either do things without him in the morning or do things with him in the evening.

If he's sleeping an awful lot more than normal there maybe a medical reason or he may just want his own space. Depression can cause this as well as a few physical causes and worth running a few blood tests if he's not had any done recently and he's say sleeping far more than 8 hours a night.

BobbinThreadbare123 · 07/12/2018 12:54

No, I think this is quite rude and I'm not sure it's very good for you to lie abed for half the day.

If you love someone and enjoy their company, why would you avoid them every day like this? It kind of suggests lack of interest.

pinkdelight · 07/12/2018 12:54

I'd totally do what your DH does if I could. And I'd hate to get out of bed to go to the beach (which holds no appeal for me at all). If I was retired I'd get up late and stay up late, because that's how my bodyclock naturally goes, and these decades with work and kids bends it all out of shape. I'm more worried that by the time I'm older I'll have trouble sleeping and wake up early and be in a grump as a result.

I think it's fair enough for you both to have different approaches to life - presumably you wouldn't like him making you stay in bed all morning.

Wordthe · 07/12/2018 12:55

I agree that it seems insulting, it's like he's saying 'you're not worth spending any time with I'd rather just lie in bed and drift'

DarlingNikita · 07/12/2018 12:57

I hate people judging when others get up. It's his retirement and the holidays are his holidays, just as much as yours. And I really can't see how it's 'rude' Hmm Grin I love my DP like mad, but I also love it when he stays in bed late or leaves very early and I get to potter about on my own for a bit.