DH doesn't get up until lunch time

[robinsinthespring]

My DH is retired. (I work a 2 mornings a week). He never gets up until at least noon, and last week he stayed in bed till past 2pm. When we were on an all inclusive holiday in a lovely location he still wouldn't get up, not joining me on the beach till lunchtime. Am I being unreasonable to feel sad that life is being wasted and angry and upset that I have to do so much by myself. I try to encourage him to get up, but all I get is daft excuses like "I'm listening to music" or" I must have drifted off again". Should I just carry on doing my own thing? WWYD?

[Oakenbeach]

• OP is saying her DH stayed in bed until 2pm! I assume he’s not busily burning the midnight oil either.
  
  Taking it easier in retirement is one thing. Turning into a lazy sloth who wastes their final years, and very likely hastens their death in a haze of boredom and indolence is something else.

[helacells]

That's not normal or healthy. How old is he? When did he last have a full checkup?

[Walkingdeadfangirl]

But who works all their lives wanting to retire get up early and be busy busy busy. No one looks forward to that, you might as well stay in work until you die.

Retirement is for sleeping in, being lazy and doing whatever the hell you want at the time you want, even if that includes lying on your arse in your bed doing nothing.

[Notacluethisxmas]

Hohocabbage there loads you can do, inside. And outside in the afternoon. If doing stuff in the daylight is so important, there's still time. And then you can do indoor stuff on an evening.

[Hohocabbage]

I wonder if our perspective on what retirements involves depends to an extent on how close we are to it. The descriptions on here sound like giving up the ghost to me - one poster referred to the OP letting her husband “rest in peace” - all this sleep sounds too much like what is to come!

[LegoAdventCalendar]

Lego I don’t think calling women “nags” belongs in the 21st century.

That's why I didn't use 'women' anywhere in my sentence, just said I'm glad I'm not married to a nag . For all you know, I'm a man married married to another man and if we had this issue I'd still wouldn't want my husband nagging me.

[LegoAdventCalendar]

I'm about 5 years off retirement. Bring on the lie-ins! DH and I can't wait to spend hours in bed . Finally, some proper me time! Fuck all this 'You should do this or that or you aren't happy or healthy'. I get to decide that.

Exactly, Not. I like to knit, crochet, sew and paint, all things I can do at any time.

[fussychica]

We are retired and love our early mornings in bed with a cup of tea, reading the papers online and chatting whether we are at home or away but we are still up and about by mid morning after exercising. If we want to do something in particular or are going out we get up earlier. We would never lay in until midday or sleep in the afternoon unless we were ill.

I totally understand how you feel and would hate it if my DH was like this. Despite what's been said by many on here I don't think it's a normal way for someone retired to be. I would be a bit worried about him and would be surprised if this wasn't having an effect on his health, both physical and mental, especially as you mentioned he has been depressed in the past. I could understand it if he was in the first few months of retirement when laying in was a treat but after several years I'd find it a bit odd.

[CherryPavlova]

He’s no too by any chance suffering from reactive depression because he’s lost the structure of work, is he?

[LegoAdventCalendar]

Retirement is for sleeping in, being lazy and doing whatever the hell you want at the time you want, even if that includes lying on your arse in your bed doing nothing.

Hell, yes! So jealous of two couples we know who are retired. They both have a teasmade on a little fridge set up as a bedside table. They drink tea in bed and lie in there reading and talking and surfing on their iPads and listening to music and podcasts.

[Notacluethisxmas]

fussychica so because you like to do something so should everyone else and if they don't they are odd?

[overnightangel]

This thread sums up the judgementalness of Mumsnet in one convenient place.

[overnightangel]

Especially the smug @fussychica

[Fadingmemory]

Whether I would like it or not would depend on the quality of the relationship. Either way I would pursue my own interests at least in the mornings.

[Hohocabbage]

I had to read back to look for the smug post I’d missed - fussychica sounds perfectly nice and hardly deserving of that personal attack!

[fussychica]

Smug??? What was smug about my post and why was it judgemental?
As always on MN, try to be helpful or don't share everyone else's view and get flamed. I give up.

[HugoBearsMummy]

@LegoAdventCalendar I'd love to know how I have not punctuated correctly, and even if I haven't how very SAD of you to point this out. Clearly trying to make yourself feel better by belittling me. And I was in no way derailing a thread I was simply pointing out that you seem to have it in for me on 2 posts whereby others had similar views to my own but you did not challenge them.

[fussychica]

Thanks for the support Hoho

[Oakenbeach]

But who works all their lives wanting to retire get up early and be busy busy busy. No one looks forward to that, you might as well stay in work until you die.

There’s a big difference between being busy busy busy and getting up between 12 & 2pm every day. Being lazy for long periods sounds great if you’ve never had the chance... believe me, i have had the ‘fortune’ to be very lazy at times in my life.... it eats at your soul and turns you into a depressed shell of a person. I’ve not worked all my life in order to spend my retirement as a zombie lurching from one nap to the next.

[owlshooting]

I am in a similar situation. OH sleeping later and later every day. It drives me nuts. He just says he's had to get up really early all his working life and doesn't see why he should have to do so now he's retired. I suggested he get up and swim every morning early to get it out of the way and he did that for a few weeks, then fell out of the habit.
I have never liked sleeping late really and consider it a waste of the day. He then comes downstairs and sits around in his dressing gown for ages. It just annoys me.
I think you just have to get out and do things on your own. Lunchtime is really late, 10 am is bad enough in our house. Are you sure he isn't depressed? It sounds like a lack of motivation and maybe depression to me.

[Forzaitalia]

My DH is retired. He gets up at about 8am. I took early retirement due to health issues and get up between 8 - 9am. No alarm clocks, just the time we wake up naturally. Getting up at noon or 2pm every day IS NOT NORMAL. I think your husband may be depressed. One symptom is not wanting to get up and face the day. Men can mask their depression easily, so people often don’t realise that they are low. If you can, get him to the docs and get him checked over.

If he isn’t depressed then I suggest you get up, do your own thing with friends and family. I know it must be difficult for you. I have much more of a social life than DH so I do a lot of things without him - it’s DH fault as he makes little effort to keep up friendships and he hardly ever sees his lovely sister who lives in the next town. He isn’t unsociable, just a tad lazy I think! I hope things get better for you. You have every right to be worried.

[Oakenbeach]

And what’s the point in retirement if you literally
do nothing once you’ve retired. You work all your life and you get the chance to do whatever you like... and you have so little imagination and zest
for living that you do nothing.... how sad.

[LilySays]

Totally agree fussychica and Oaken.

Yes getting up early isn’t for everyone but this is extreme.

[Oakenbeach]

Everyone I’ve known who gets up late and has nothing going on in their life hasn’t been happy... far from it. Weird that some people think it’s something to aspire to.

[famousfour]

Sounds pretty desperate.

But I don’t think you can change him. Best find your own way to deal with it and not find yourself sitting around waiting for him to appear.