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AIBU?

DH doesn't get up until lunch time

156 replies

robinsinthespring · 07/12/2018 11:37

My DH is retired. (I work a 2 mornings a week). He never gets up until at least noon, and last week he stayed in bed till past 2pm. When we were on an all inclusive holiday in a lovely location he still wouldn't get up, not joining me on the beach till lunchtime. Am I being unreasonable to feel sad that life is being wasted and angry and upset that I have to do so much by myself. I try to encourage him to get up, but all I get is daft excuses like "I'm listening to music" or" I must have drifted off again". Should I just carry on doing my own thing? WWYD?

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Oldraver · 07/12/2018 13:45

Why does it matter though ? My folks dont get up until mid day and are always having people have a go at them. They cant see any reason to change.

Obviously if they have an early flight or appointment they will get up but with our near 24 hour soceity there is absolutely no need to conform to 9-5 living

masterandmargarita · 07/12/2018 13:47

Oh i dont 'loathe' night people - strong word! But in the ops case her dh is being selfish.

LegoAdventCalendar · 07/12/2018 13:48

Amen, DoJo.

Pound to a penny, he’s the same... His lifestyle is really not to be envied. He’s essentially giving up on life and vegetating.

You have no fucking idea what he's like! It's his life. I get tons more done in the evening and night than in the morning.

See what I mean about morning people being virtue signalling self-righteous twonks who heap scorn on those who don't subscribe to their brand of morality?

I'd find it tedious in the extreme to live with someone like this.

LegoAdventCalendar · 07/12/2018 13:49

Exactly, Oldraver.

ILiveForNachos · 07/12/2018 13:50

He is living my retirement dream. I’m definitely going to be like that when I’m retired! Sleep was my hobby until I had kids. Can’t wait to get back to it TBH.

Bluntness100 · 07/12/2018 13:50

I actually understand your annoyance on this. I'd like to pretend it was cool and he should do what he wishes but in reality spending half the day in bed I'd see as lazy as fuck, and what a waste of a holiday.

ReanimatedSGB · 07/12/2018 13:54

FFS. People who think that getting up early is a moral virtue are utterly tiresome and usually unimaginative and smug as well.

In your case, OP, does he do his share of domestic work when he is awake? Is he generally kind and pleasant to you? If so, then what you need to do is accept that he has a late-running body clock and plan your days accordingly so you get the afternoons together and both of you are happy.

If he's miserable and lazy in that he expects you to do all the domestic work and indulge his every whim, you've got bigger problems than a difference in body clocks.

LegoAdventCalendar · 07/12/2018 13:54

Waste of a holiday? What if your idea of a holiday is to relax and chill out? DH and I went on holiday together alone at last in Summer. Spent loads of time in bed . Blissful.

Bluntness100 · 07/12/2018 13:55

FFS. People who think that getting up early is a moral virtue are utterly tiresome and usually unimaginative and smug as well

As are people who get their arse in their hands over an online thread and start throwing abuse about.

Calm yourself. Maybe go for a sleep.

LegoAdventCalendar · 07/12/2018 13:57

So true, SGB.

KatherinaMinola · 07/12/2018 14:05

It would annoy me too. I don't know what you do about it though.

Fairenuff · 07/12/2018 14:06

in the ops case her dh is being selfish

Why?

If OP stayed in bed til lunchtime they would have the exact same hours awake.

Sunshineonleaf · 07/12/2018 14:10

DH and I are both retired. We spend more than enough time in each other's company without having to synchronise when we go to bed / get up.
In fact during the day we each do our own things 90% of the time apart from eating dinner together.

BlueJava · 07/12/2018 14:13

If you are happy with him in everything else I'd stop worrying and trying to change him - just find something you enjoy in the morning. Perhaps early morning swimming or yoga or something - that way you get stuff done but don't have to worry what he's (not) doing!

HugoBearsMummy · 07/12/2018 14:15

I'd just find it infuriating that I couldn't make the bed I despise it when DH gets up for work later if he's working nearer to home (by later I mean 7am haha!)

But in all seriousness yes that isn't a very nice existence.. I'm not a 'morning person' in the slightest but unless I have a raging hangover I need to vacate my pit by 9am latest or I feel shit (most days by 7am though as I have a 3YO DS)

Holidays I'd find INFURIATING I like to get up and explore and make the most of my time away, why pay 100's or 1000's of £ to go on holiday to lay in bed- odd.

SaucyJack · 07/12/2018 14:16

Is he happy and productive when he is awake?

I wouldn’t want to live with someone who was lazy and uninspired, but if it’s just that he gets up later- then I’m a bit meh tbh.

I can’t imagine you struggle to find time together if he’s fully retired, and you only work two mornings a week.

May even be too much.... and he likes staying up late to get a bit of time on his own.

Slipperboots · 07/12/2018 14:19

This behaviour ruined my PILs retirement. MIL wouldn’t get up until lunchtime and this meant they never ever did anything.
By the time she had eaten and got dressed it could be 3pm. Day was always totally wasted.
Long term this ruined her health, she hardly saw daylight and because she she didn’t like going out when it was dark outside it meant she never went out in the winter.
Getting up and moving is good for your circulation.
It’s fine if you lie late and then are active but honestly i think the later you get up the less oppertunity there is to be active.

stayathomer · 07/12/2018 14:26

OP me and DH are on opposing times, I'd get up at 5 to get stuff done, but would want to go to bed at8, he (when not at work) would work until 2 or 3 in the morning then stay in bed as late as he can (we have kids so it doesn't work out great;)) he'd like me to stay up late to chat/watch tv and Id like him to be up earlier/come up to bed early. Weconpromise on it but my point is people have different clocks and unless he's actively lazy all the time, he's just on an opposing time to you. Talk to him about it and meet in the middle (2 days maybe?) but him being in bed is neither an indication of feelings for you nor an indication of laziness(unless as I said he's always like that)

Hohocabbage · 07/12/2018 14:27

For the sake of the marriage, could they both compromise - a ten at the latest rising, could be longer on days OP works. I wouldnt like my bedroom being off limits every morning for one thing. If dh did this i would respect it is his choice but i think i would ultimately prefer to live alone. For every person who is a productive, interesting night owl I suspect there are 5 others who are just lazy and have no get up and go left.

PoutySprout · 07/12/2018 14:30

I dream of staying in bed till lunchtime every day, and fully intend to when I retire!

LegoAdventCalendar · 07/12/2018 15:29

Holidays I'd find INFURIATING I like to get up and explore and make the most of my time away, why pay 100's or 1000's of £ to go on holiday to lay in bed- odd.

Because you have a very physical or active job and take holidays to relax, catch up on sleep and relax . Because you want to lay in bed and shag all morning or all day, even. People's ideas of holidays are all different and one way isn't the right way or the wrong way at all. Horses for courses.

LegoAdventCalendar · 07/12/2018 15:33

For every person who is a productive, interesting night owl I suspect there are 5 others who are just lazy and have no get up and go left.

And so what? If someone's lazy after a lifetime of working why is this some form of moral inferiority? What's so superior about being so productive all the time even in retirement?

Gawd, I'm so glad I'm not married to some virtue-signalling, scornful, scolding nag who tried to police my body clock.

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HugoBearsMummy · 07/12/2018 15:38

Because you have a very physical or active job and take holidays to relax, catch up on sleep and relax hmm. Because you want to lay in bed and shag all morning or all day, even. People's ideas of holidays are all different and one way isn't the right way or the wrong way at all. Horses for courses

Erm, I get up at 6:45am every weekday and by 7:30am most weekends, so for me I'd class 8:30/9am a lay in or 'catch up' of sleep... I also enjoy making the most of breakfast with my DH and DS so getting up at 12pm in my mind half the day has gone. Most excursions on holiday begin in the morning... I just think it's an absolute waste of money and can see why OP wouldn't like it.

LegoAdventCalendar · 07/12/2018 15:43

Right, so those who don't subscribe to HugoBearsMummy's Guide to Living is wrong? What a narrow-minded way to go through life, but well, some people go on holiday to just relax. People do things differently. Imagine!

Ceilingrose · 07/12/2018 15:52

I think it' is a problem if you're mismatched, though. My DH spent most of a holiday like this, so after fuming for 4 days I started doing stuff alone. After three days of this, I told him I would go with friends in future, instead of him. He started getting up at 10, which is a reasonable compromise.

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