To dislike 'mum groups' because of the this kind of attitude

[GunpowderGelatine]

I have a DS who's almost 2 and I work part time so try and get out to 'mum groups' in the area on my days off. Not just for him but for my own benefit to see friends and prevent isolation etc. But I often find the attitudes a bit ridiculous, mothers are treated either like idiots or children. last week me and a friend went to one and she was (very quietly) telling me about her husband's recent health diagnosis. It was the end so some mums and babies had gathered in the middle to sing. Our babies wanted breastfed so we sat at the side, away from the circle to feed them and chat as she needed support (again we were very quiet). One of the co-leaders came up to us and asked us to be quiet because the children are singing wheels on the bus and we should be listening so we had to sit in silence feeding them.

This week I went to a new one and there were posters everywhere with pictures of mobile phones and a big red X over them. The posters said "mobile phones are banned in this group, you are here to interact with your children and enjoy watching them play and grow". FFS you can't tell grown ups they can't look at their phone!

These are just 2 examples, I've been to groups with my older children where we were told we 'had' to sing at the end, and I went to another where I got told off for eating a mars bar because, whilst eating wasn't banned there, it doesn't promote healthy eating AIBU to want to be treated like a human and not some stupid mumbot who needs to be told what to do and 'told off' if I misbehave?

Sounds like the people trying to give OP and others messages aren’t great at communicating in a post or and respectful way.

So I think it is ok to not want people to talk over the singing. And to be fair the woman wasn’t to know there was an upsetting situation. But tone and style is important.

Equally I think it is fine not to any mobile phones at a group but the way it has been dealt with is at best passive aggressive.

@IrmaFayLear it was you who mentioned volunteers being lowly and menial. I pointed out the you were incorrect, that's all

I have never been to a group where they tell me how to parent my child. It is up to the people who are running the group what to give to the children as snacks. What you give them is your business not theirs but if there is such a group then I cant see it being around very long.

Sorry to derail but the recurring bacon butty references are really annoying me! I can’t fucking believe that dads get bacon butties as a bait and reward for taking their own children to toddler groups, and women, who might actually be nursing, don’t.
I love a bacon sarnie!

I used to find that the older the person running the group was, the more restrictive it was.

It's lovely they start these groups, but let the parents get on and have fun with their children.

The groups I used to take DD to that we loved just let you get on with it. You didn't have to join in the songs and didn't have to sit in silence through them.

@LightDrizzle there was a thread not so along ago on FWR about the bacon butty thing and how dad's are more 'adored' and rewarded in general for the same things women get berated for. I do wonder if some posters on here think that it would be out of order for men to speak to each other at a baby group and have a cup of tea or if that would make them a substandard parent?

I have never been to a group where they tell me how to parent my child.

Then you have probably never been to a Surestart group.

Yes it would be equally rude for dad’s to chat over the person leading group songs. Manners apply to everyone.

I can't imagine for a minute dad's sing at groups (they don't at the bacon butty one here apparently)

Singing should always be optional since some people absolutely detest doing it to the extent that sort of rule would alienate them from that group.

The phone thing I totally agree with. Getting it out quickly to check a message or take a quick pic is fine but a lot of people are addicted so unable to just grab it quickly then put it away.

My kids dad did. But even if you don’t want to sing you can at least not talk over it and spoil it for everyone else.

Thing is, sometimes you can be having a really bad day, you go to toddler group, chase after your child all morning, and then finally get to sit down and chat, and find yourself opening up to the other person because it's the only chance you've had all week. The fact that people are singing doesn't even register.

So as a one-off, I'd expect to be left alone to chat quietly. Different if it was happening with the same person every week laughing in the corner with their mates.

Give people the benefit of the doubt.

I'm afraid I agree that you shouldn't have been talking when the children were singing. I'm sure you'd already had plenty of time to chat whilst the children were playing! There seems to be a total lack of respect creeping in to all sorts of groups these days. I go to a couple of different exercise classes and there are women there who chat ALL the way through the class and they miss half of what the instructor is saying as well as making it difficult for others to hear. If you don't want to join in the activity then meet your friends in a coffee shop/at home and chat away.
And mobile phones away whilst children around in a group setting is fairly standard for safeguarding reasons.

Your behaviour was awful OP. You can manage without a phone for a while. You were chattering through song time..how rude. A Mars bar?Why don't you start up your own group with certain IQ requirements of course.

My dh did too. During one singalong, a parent started harmonising to 'Wind the Bobbin Up'.

So stay off phones, don't chat whilst the kids are singing, and join in with said singing? All perfectly reasonable requests!

The dads sing with gusto at my local one 😂 they really get into it.

The phone ban will apply to all sexes, it's a basic safeguarding policy.

Fine. So why doesn't the sign say that? Why does it say 'phones are banned in this group, you are here to interact with your children and enjoy watching them play and grow.'?

Yes it would be equally rude for dad’s to chat over the person leading group songs. Manners apply to everyone.
The OP doesn't sound as though they were talking over the song; they were sitting away from the main group and talking very quietly.

I think some posters on here are the ones running these judgemental groups.

Once again I haven't said I was on my phone it stays in my bag except for the occasional check. And I'm sorry but I'll never get what's wrong with eating a Mars bar at a group for babies?!

I hate the singing, I'll join in because DS usually likes it, but I use my 'church' singing voice which is more of a quiet mumble

How awful that a toddler group would be trying to encourage healthy eating and parent/child interaction Our SureStart also has a sign up saying smacking isn’t allowed. Bastards.

They weren’t talking as quietly as they thought (or whispering as the op is now saying) as the op said a woman who was sitting ‘far away’ approached them to ask them to be quiet! She wouldn’t have even heard them if they weren’t disturbing anyone.

Re the singing at the group - it's quite an interactive group, they get one of those parachutes out and then they have a little 'disco' with flashing toys and a musical instrument section so not really an opportunity to chat. People often don't take part in the activity because they go to feed their babies at the side and also have a natter while they feed and I have literally never heard their voices when doing any of the activities.

Thinking about it there's no chairs at the group, not sure if this is purposeful though!

There is a reason why children's speech and language skills are so poor at school entry. Poor interaction with parents and other human beings. Put your phones away for a while.

I went to a lovely local sure start group when my DS was around 19weeks to him being nearly a year old. The group was quiet but I made a good friend there and the group leader was really invested in our children.

We moved house recently and I found the local sure start group. Awful. I didn't get spoken to once by the group leaders in our whole hour there, no-one addressed my son either. Just felt very much like an outsider. There were about 5 adults in the room trying to put up Christmas decorations around the children playing. It was just a shambles and I felt really sorry for my son because my feelings of not being welcome there meant that I wasn't comfortable engaging with the toys and things with him. We won't be going back there.

It's rude to talk whilst there is an activity going on.

People shouldn't be on the phone whilst watching children.

Both fair enough to me.

If you want to chat and look at your phone, stay at home. Your house your rules there.

All 'clubs' have rules and expectations in order to work for everyone.