To dislike 'mum groups' because of the this kind of attitude

[GunpowderGelatine]

I have a DS who's almost 2 and I work part time so try and get out to 'mum groups' in the area on my days off. Not just for him but for my own benefit to see friends and prevent isolation etc. But I often find the attitudes a bit ridiculous, mothers are treated either like idiots or children. last week me and a friend went to one and she was (very quietly) telling me about her husband's recent health diagnosis. It was the end so some mums and babies had gathered in the middle to sing. Our babies wanted breastfed so we sat at the side, away from the circle to feed them and chat as she needed support (again we were very quiet). One of the co-leaders came up to us and asked us to be quiet because the children are singing wheels on the bus and we should be listening so we had to sit in silence feeding them.

This week I went to a new one and there were posters everywhere with pictures of mobile phones and a big red X over them. The posters said "mobile phones are banned in this group, you are here to interact with your children and enjoy watching them play and grow". FFS you can't tell grown ups they can't look at their phone!

These are just 2 examples, I've been to groups with my older children where we were told we 'had' to sing at the end, and I went to another where I got told off for eating a mars bar because, whilst eating wasn't banned there, it doesn't promote healthy eating AIBU to want to be treated like a human and not some stupid mumbot who needs to be told what to do and 'told off' if I misbehave?

The people who think it's ok to object to women chatting at a toddler group think they are being all clever and virtuous and child-centred, but they are wrong. From a very young age, children learn a lot by observing adult social interaction. yes it is important to talk to your child, but it is also important to model healthy social interaction between adults. You can't properly raise children if all you do is put your life on hold, focus gimlet-like attention on them and confine your tone and vocabulary to motherese.

No-ones saying the op shouldn’t speak! Just that it’s bad manners to do so when the group leader is trying to lead a structured activity at the end. They have the first 90mins or however long to chat.

Well said, YeahCorvid.

Bumsex, people sitting away from the group to breastfeed and talking quietly is really not bad manners. Bad manners would be to be sitting in the singing group chatting loudly over the singing/leader talking, and/or playing on your phone.

And your attempt to bracket healthy eating and parent/child interaction with 'smacking not allowed' is plain stupid. Behave.

Yeah what does motherese sound like?
Children spend the rest of the time watching adults interact, there is nothing wrong in taking your kid to an activity that is for them, geared towards them and then actually interact with them.
Equally you could say it pays to model respect, appropriate etiquette according to social settings and basic rule following.

It's sounding more and more like "compulsory jolity", OP. Nothing wrong with chatting quietly away from the singing.

What if the toddlers don't want to join in, does the leader make them as well?

BlancheM, stop exaggerating. At no point has the OP said anything that sounds as though she isn't interacting with her child at these groups

Moving away from a group to do another (necessary) activity and speaking in low voices IS modelling respect and appropriate etiquette according to social settings. As for basic rule following, it is not in the least important to model for children that when others are singing Wheels on the Bus everyone must listen in silence.

There is your social animals and your not so social animals at these groups good grieve. I wonder who is better than the other. The whole point to these groups is to get parents and children out of the house to socialise and not be hermits.

It probably took a lot of courage for the woman to talk to the op about her problems. No wonder groups are getting smaller or are closing left right and centre because of the lack of empathy from the people running them.

The point is that the op wasn’t speaking quietly if a woman came over from the far side of the room to ask her to quieten down!

She told her she should be listening to the children singing not to quieten down. She didn't like the idea that they were talking in the corner.

Sure Start was set up to help parents parent but also to help the development of children's skills. That group sounds great in that it has activities for the children and has the focus on children. Obviously it's good when it helps parents support each other but how long does a song last?

Bumsex, you can see someone talking as well as hear them. And the OP says 'People often don't take part in the activity because they go to feed their babies at the side and also have a natter while they feed and I have literally never heard their voices when doing any of the activities.'

No, we don't know at what volume the OP was speaking. But some people do like telling others off for no good reason, or impose arbitrary rules, to give them a momentary frisson of power, or because they don't like the individual. Just because someone walked across the room is not conclusive of the volume of speech or level of disturbance.

It says in the op she was asked to be quiet!!!

One of the co-leaders came up to us and asked us to be quiet because the children are singing wheels on the bus and we should be listeninghmm so we had to sit in silence feeding them.

They should stop nattering in the corner and listen to the children.

And yes much more likely that the woman asked her to be quiet just because she likes telling people off rather than because she wanted her to be quiet

Maybe the OP has one of those 'carrying' voices.

And yes much more likely that the woman asked her to be quiet just because she likes telling people off rather than because she wanted her to be quiet

Experiencing some of the types who help out at such groups, I'd say it was just as likely.

Darling, I was responding to another poster, not talking about OP.

Well I’ll disagree. I think it’s highly unlikely that a staff member would risk a mouthful of abuse from a parent for absolutely no reason.

Yanbu. I hated going to these groups when my children were younger. They only served to increase my isolation

And I’m pretty sure the op has clarified that the ‘standard of help’ whatever that means is good.

The one I go to is lovely, but there's a gathering of childminders there every week who can be very patronising and think they run the place.

Why is she moaning about them if the standard of help was good.

For some people who attend these groups, it can be their only social gathering, and a chance to interact with other parents as much as they are for the children.
If it's because you're being loud and distracting the rest of the group, fine. If it's because the group leaders are telling you to interact with your child and telling you how to parent, no that's not on.

Some of the mummies clearly like to be officious. That’s one way to lose participants. They sound ghastly.