Working on my daughters birthday... AIBU?

[OhWhatAPalaver]

Somehow I've cocked up my annual leave requests and I don't have my daughters birthday off work. It's in 4 weeks time. Work could easily give me the day off but they won't because it's over the Xmas period and they've already got "too many staff off". This is bollocks as we're overstaffed anyway and it'll be dead, they're just being bloody awkward.
I'm seriously thinking about handing my notice in. If it wasn't for the financial side of things I already would have as I've been sick of it for ages. Also, my daughter is an extremely sensitive soon to be 7 year old (she has ASD) who would be devestated if I wasn't there on her birthday AIBU?

It's about time DD realises life isn't a bed of roses.

Lol. She's going to be 7 not 17.

If you're sick of your job, put your efforts into finding a new job in the New Year. Don't flounce off for something like this. Yes, it would be nice to have the day off if poss, but really, most kids don't expect it or feel devastated by it.

YABVVU to considering leaving a job over this. It’s very extreme.

I would ask if anyone could swap and reapproach management if the overstuffing is obvious over Christmas but really that would be the limit of this.

Christ this thread is harsh! At my place we all get an extra day annual leave for our own birthdays but can use it on our children's if we wish, which I do. DH takes it as a days holiday. Doesn't seem crazy to us. Yes some peopls don't have a choice but if you can have that day off, why wouldn't you?

OP can you go back to your manager and ask again? If they don't write the rota until a week before hand, can they just schedule your days differently?

I wouldn't expect my parents to have taken a day off for my birthday. To be honest OP it's a good thing for children to learn things like this- just choose another day close to her birthday and have a lovely day together and then make the morning/ evening of her birthday special.

I am mystified how any NHS job will be "dead" over the Christmas period and how any NHS job is "overstaffed".

Just explain to your intelligent daughter that you cannot have the day off work this year but as well as a special tea etc that evening you will be treating "x" day as her own entire special day too. she will be lucky because she will celebrate twice and tell her now so that she processes this and can enjoy the build up to having 2 days as hers!

What will she be doing on her birthday if you go to work?

My husband is emergency services and so booking leave isn't always plain sailing. He does try to book our kids birthdays off but doesn't manage all 3 of them every year.

When the kids were small we just "moved" their birthday to his next rest day, now we just prepare the kids in advance that he won't be around.

I don't think yabu to be upset that you have to work it, especially given your daughters ASD but yabu to blame your employer as it was your error and frankly it's irresponsible to leave a job that you financially need for simply missing one birthday. Just spend the next 4 weeks preparing your daughter for the fact you will be working.

You have plenty of time to manage her expectations - it's not like you are telling her the night before! Plan some treats with her to look forward to on her birthday day or day before / day after.

Resigning over this would be foolish. I have a child with ASD who doesn't cope with change but we are working on helping him deal with unexpected and last minute change as that is unfortunately part of life - we can't control everything, even with the most careful planning things do go wrong!!!

I've been in this job 6 years. It's always dead over Xmas because all the clinicians we deal with are off. It's all routine non urgent things. Not like a gp or A&E or anything. And the admin trickles down to almost nothing. We've just got loads of new staff and me and my colleagues are already twiddling our thumbs wondering what we are supposed to do with the day. See above where I mentioned poor management. Fwiw, my last two managers (who were great) left within weeks of each other because it's so shit at the moment.

I think you are being a bit U and I think you know this

But if your current job isn’t for you then go ahead and look for something better. Just make sure you have something to go to.

FWIW crap Christmas off duty was the final straw that led to me leaving a job. My priorities changed once I had children and I wanted to spend time with them on Christmas Day, not work a 12 hr shift.

It is ok to set your own priorities.

I must be the world's worst mum then as I'm going to be in hospital on my daughter's birthday. We're just celebrating a different day instead. We always work the kids' birthdays and they go to school/ nursery as usual. We have a party on a day that's convenient and a cake at home after tea 🤷 surely you can't resign over having to work?

You are being absurd and resigning because you forgot to book leave is cutting off your nose to spite your face.

We always work the kids' birthdays and they go to school/ nursery as usual. We have a party on a day that's convenient and a cake at home after tea 🤷 surely you can't resign over having to work?

OP has already said that she's unhappy in her job for other reasons. People have different priorities, it clearly means a lot to OP to be with her daughter on her birthday, others are happy to celebrate on another day.

OP, could you just ask as many people as possible if they would be willing to swap with you for that day and then when the rota comes out closer to the time, see if any of the people who said yes would be suitable to swap with.

My children went to school on their birthdays. I went to work on their birthdays. I went to work on my birthday. I never knew that it was a thing to take he day off. I wouldn’t have been able to anyway because their birthdays are in term time. DH wouldn’t have been able to either because he’s self mployed.

I wouldn’t have resigned over it.

It’s just the perils of Xmas/New years birthdays.

My daughter died on New Years Day and we spent New Years Eve night withdrawing treatment. Inconvenient day to die. We both work in 24 hour 365 services. This year DH is working nights all that week. When he mentioned it at work, the attitude is ‘nobody wants to work New Year’
My work is a little more flexible, I could have New Year off as long as I work every Christmas which will mean never spending Christmas with my subsequent children.

We just have to accept that if births/deaths happen at inconvenient times then we can’t mark the day on the day every year.

@AutumnEvenings that sounds a brilliant play. What a great idea.

Just explain to your intelligent daughter that you cannot have the day off work this year but as well as a special tea etc that evening you will be treating "x" day as her own entire special day too. she will be lucky because she will celebrate twice and tell her now so that she processes this and can enjoy the build up to having 2 days as hers!
This ^^ Sell it to her, be excited at the thought of her getting 2 days not just one. There are bound to be birthdays in the future that don't work out as planned so make the most of the warning this time to introduce changes that she can cope with.

In the nicest possible way OP, you have got your priorities all wrong.

Plenty of creative solutions have been suggested on this thread - you need to stop having fixed mindset about how your daughter's birthday 'should' be celebrated.

Even with ASD (my son was also like that) she can learn to adapt to different plans.

I have offered to work a different day but management said I need to find someone to swap with. Fairly impossible when we don't get our rota until the very last minute at the moment.

If they haven't done the rota yet I don't see why they can't just take requests into account if practical. It's not hard to show a little kindness.

I hope you get this sorted OP, I wouldn't leave the security of a job over this but it sounds like it's the straw that broke the camels back and you want to leave anyway.

Whilst it might seem unusual to some to react this strongly over a minor issue, I'm very aware of how a change in schedule or even just the confusion of getting older can affect an ASD child. I've been through a difficult birthday with a loved one myself this year so I'm sorry for how posters have reacted to this

Would you have enough notice at this point to be able to leave without causing ill feeling? If you're really unhappy in your job then YANBU to leave at all, but it would be U not to work your notice or to say it's because of your daughter's birthday.

Is there much temp work available? Does your boss know how important it is to you to have the day with your daughter? If they granted your request would you feel happier in your role?

Maybe it's worth telling her you have to work and do birthday stuff on a different day ( we don't pretend it's her real birthday we just explain the situation and celebrate a few days early) and look for a different job. Then you can leave on good terms X

Sorry I hadn't read the whole thread 🤷

I think YABU - just do a birthday weekend or something on another day that she can look forward to. I've always work my twin DS's birthday as it's at the start of Jan so just had Xmas hols. We just do something at the weekend instead with presents in the evening if it's a work/school day.

Birthdays are very important to some people. I've never worked DS' birthday and he always has the day off school. I don't work my own birthday either and DH books leave, as do close family members. They're a big deal in our family, especially after a lot of trauma. They only happen once a year and sometimes you just don't know how many you have left.

I wouldn't resign over it though, OP. Are you absolutely certain you'd be fired if you were off sick? Seems extreme. What about a family emergency? You're entitled to time off for one. If you're not going to be doing anything in work anyway, I really can't see the harm.

YABU, your DD will know what day it is, but that’s life sometimes, lots of children and adults have to go to school or work on their birthdays. Celebrate at the closest day off together, let her open presents either that morning or the night before and don’t make a huge deal out of the fact you’re working. Explain that sometimes her birthday will be a weekend, sometimes not, but it doesn’t make her birthday any less special.
You’d be a fool to quit a job over this, it’s one day.

Can you not do birthday breakfast before you leave? And a special dinner when you get home. Maybe even her favourite take away.

There are plenty of cute birthday breakfast recipes. Plan a special weekend event that she will look forward to.

YABVVU to give notice for this. I understand your daughter has SEN but you don't know about temping, that is not guaranteed. You don't know if you will event be able to get another permanent job with leave.