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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to give my friend a lift?

285 replies

User17890672345 · 06/12/2018 10:59

My friend has moved house, she doesn't drive, and our children go to the same school.

She dropped her daughters off the other week, and it was raining, she asked if I would mind giving her a lift home as they had got soaked walking to school, so I said yes.

Now, every time it rains, she asks me for a lift - I wouldn't mind but she lives the other side of town to me, so it takes me a 3 mile round trip out of my way each time I give her a lift home (her walking route is shorter than this, about 1/2 a mile)

I feel like I've made a rod for my own back, she's a great friend, but I worry about winter coming and the snow, and having to drive her home all the time, I've already given her 5 lifts - that's 15 miles of petrol that isn't in my budget either.

Our children are in the lower stages of school, so if I don't do something now I think she'll expect this for years to come.

What do I say to her? I feel so put on the spot when she asks me

OP posts:

greenpop21 · 07/12/2018 17:44

greenpop21 · 07/12/2018 17:45

1/2 a mile??? For goodness sake that's not car worthy unless she has a disability! That's a 10 min walk!

Wrongintherightway · 07/12/2018 17:47

If you keep giving her lifts she will think that's you are happy to do this, the only way to change this is to say something, politely but firmly.

Sorry I can't tonight

No need to make excuses,

SR3i11Y · 07/12/2018 17:50

I think it's really cheeky for people to constantly ask for lifts you wait to be offered by the person driving. There should be no expectation that a person who drives needs to offer lifts to friends or anyone else. When a person chooses to love somewhere they need to take factors like weather/transport/money into consideration and not expect others to constantly do them favours.
You also don't need to justify saying no to someone, if you don't want to do something just say no!

Tara336 · 07/12/2018 17:51

I don’t think people who have never bothered to drive really have any clue how expensive fuel is and even consider that it’s shit having to be the one that does all the driving (speaking from experience) I have a friend who doesn’t drive and although she’s lovely not once has she offered to share petrol costs with me in 8 years that we’ve been friends. It really grates on me tbh

Alessoutingname · 07/12/2018 17:52

My friend done this to me. We worked in the same office and she only lives round the corner. She drove a moped and I a car. It was awful weather one day and she asked me for a lift to work because she didn’t want to drive her moped in it. I agreed. For weeks she was making excuses as to why she couldn’t drive to/from work. So I was her taxi driver, I’d no real issue with it until there were a few times I had to stay late in work and she got huffy with me because it meant she had to stay (it didn’t though. She could have used public transport). She also didn’t appreciate that I’d to change plans each day to bring her home (I used to go to my in laws after work to collect my dog).

I got more and more annoyed and then the straw which broke the camels back was on a night out. She said “it’s great having you giving me lifts. You’re saving me £60 a week on the train.” I lost my mind at this point. It was never about money, it was an inconvenience to me having to leave a little earlier and change my plans for getting home and then the huffing when I had to stay a little later in work (which she had notice of).

As I said it wasn’t about money but I was paying £50 a week in fuel, saving her £60 a week on public transport or £££ on moped fuel and she wouldn’t have offered a measly £5 towards my fuels costs a week or buy me a drink on a night out.

She was a CF. In the end it was just eating away at me so I just messaged her and told her I wouldn’t be giving her lifts anymore because it was an inconvenience.

We are still friends although she doesn’t take advantage anymore.

PinkCalluna · 07/12/2018 17:56

I don’t think people who have never bothered to drive really have any clue how expensive fuel is...

To be fair Tara there are all sorts of reasons people don’t drive including a variety of health reasons.

Blacktoffeecat · 07/12/2018 17:56

Difficult one.
I have been giving a work colleague a lift home sometimes which takes longer. However, I can afford the petrol, it’s obce a week, she earns less than me, she has a chronic illness and it’s nice to be nice- she works hard for me and deserves a break.
I think if you break the cycle so have things on and don’t do it every week, it’s kind to do it as often as you can/ can afford.

mumlost1940 · 07/12/2018 17:58

Give her a list of local taxi firms. Offer to hire her an umbrella. Drop her off at the nearest bus stop. If all else fails - move to another country.

MrsBombastic · 07/12/2018 18:04

YANBU

I'm a non driver and I don't expect lifts, she's chancing her arm but if you are really good friends just be honest and say you can't afford the distance in petrol so please don't be offended but you won't be giving lifts anymore (She may offer to pay) and say it's not always convenient as you have alpointments/errands in the opposite direction.

If she's your friend she will understand and if not, you haven't lost anything.

user1493391099 · 07/12/2018 18:08

If you’re not careful you’ll end up moving schools just to escape this situation! This is exactly the kind of pickle I would get myself in to. Why do people put you in these situations?! She’s clearly a bit cheeky to expect you to do it in a regular basis. If she was genuine, she would think I can’t keep asking every time it rains. I don’t know why I have commented, I have no good advice. I would end up telling my child to hurry up so that we can leave before we see them, but can you really keep that up for the next few years, and why should you?!

Willow2017 · 07/12/2018 18:18

Perhaps you could start walking with your daughter?

So Op should walk a 5 mile round trip to stop her friend being a cf over her 10 minute walk?

Ok🤔

Holidayshopping · 07/12/2018 18:25

We are still friends although she doesn’t take advantage anymore.

Did you say anything to her after her £60 train savings comment??

BumbleBeee69 · 07/12/2018 18:48

I think it's really cheeky for people to constantly ask for lifts you wait to be offered by the person driving. There should be no expectation that a person who drives needs to offer lifts to friends or anyone else. When a person chooses to love somewhere they need to take factors like weather/transport/money into consideration and not expect others to constantly do them favours.
You also don't need to justify saying no to someone, if you don't want to do something just say no!

Agreed

BMW6 · 07/12/2018 19:06

I wouldn’t be giving her lifts anymore because it was an inconvenience.

There you are OP. Frank and direct. It IS a massive inconvenience because she lives in completely the wrong direction to you.

A reasonable person wouldn't expect you to drive them home so far out of your way.

shiningstar2 · 07/12/2018 19:14

I didn't learn to drive until my late 30s so walked the school run. If the weather was horrendous and someone who lived in the same street as me offered me a lift I would gratefully accept. However this was a favour not an entitlement. I would never have asked and certainly wouldn't have expected anyone to make a longer journey or take a detour for me. I would be inventing places I had to go in the opposite direction until she took the hint. I know some posters have said just be honest but frankly it would embarrass me to be that direct and why should I put myself in the position of saying something that would embarrass me because the other person has no consideration for me, my time or my budget.

Hector2000 · 07/12/2018 19:15

Your friend could cycle with child carrier/buggy, making it virtually no time for her at all. It isn’t your problem. Be firm, say you can’t you’re sorry, but then separately and promptly arrange a coffee with her/similar so that she knows the lift thing is unrelated to friendship.

Putthekettleonplease · 07/12/2018 19:31

I would just say no. It’s not convenient today. See you soon for coffee.

Nip that one in the bud before the winter kicks in. Not your fault she doesn’t drive. She is taking the pee asking.

di2004 · 07/12/2018 20:03

I agree with Tinkerbell, also it’s the inconvenience and the fact she has accepted you’ll do the lifts.
I think she is being very cheeky expecting you to do this .. and at some point it will have to come to an end.
Put your own family first. Just because your friend can’t drive that isn’t your problem.

midsomermurderess · 07/12/2018 20:14

I don't think you need to preface your reasons with 'sorry'.

Cawfee · 07/12/2018 20:23

Don’t say sorry. You haven’t done anything wrong. Next time she asks just reply “No I can’t today. It’s inconvenient” then leave it at that.

ViserionTheDragon · 07/12/2018 20:28

Just say you can't and suggest she takes an Uber home.

StoneofDestiny · 07/12/2018 20:35

'I've got commitments I need to attend to, I can't give you lifts anymore'

HairyPotter · 07/12/2018 20:43

I’m confused, you said “There's not enough room for us and all the kids, so it would only ever be her who wanted a lift.”

So how do the kids get home? Do they walk alone and if so, why does she go to the school in the first place and then mooch a lift from you and leave the kids?

Willow2017 · 07/12/2018 20:53

Hairy
She asks for a lift when she drops kids off in the morning! Its in the op. Someone asked about lifts home and op said there wasnt room for them all.

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