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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to give my friend a lift?

285 replies

User17890672345 · 06/12/2018 10:59

My friend has moved house, she doesn't drive, and our children go to the same school.

She dropped her daughters off the other week, and it was raining, she asked if I would mind giving her a lift home as they had got soaked walking to school, so I said yes.

Now, every time it rains, she asks me for a lift - I wouldn't mind but she lives the other side of town to me, so it takes me a 3 mile round trip out of my way each time I give her a lift home (her walking route is shorter than this, about 1/2 a mile)

I feel like I've made a rod for my own back, she's a great friend, but I worry about winter coming and the snow, and having to drive her home all the time, I've already given her 5 lifts - that's 15 miles of petrol that isn't in my budget either.

Our children are in the lower stages of school, so if I don't do something now I think she'll expect this for years to come.

What do I say to her? I feel so put on the spot when she asks me

OP posts:
ambereeree · 06/12/2018 14:13

Genius plan @shelby2010
A car with free seats attracts cheeky fuckers faster than a rat up a drainpipe

PermanentlyFrizzyHairBall · 06/12/2018 14:13

The vast majority of people are perfectly capable of learning to drive if they want to.

I don't think this is actually true. It's incredibly expensive! It took me a year at £60 a weeks worth of lessons. (I know I was a slow learner but I'm not the only one).

That said she's obviously able bodied so she can definitely walk half a mile home from school.

Fairenuff · 06/12/2018 14:18

Next time she asks say 'I'd rather not. It's the opposite way for me and I'm sure you understand I can't commit to driving you every time the weather is bad."

GodrestyemerrySchadenfreud · 06/12/2018 14:21

Half a mile in the rain - that's a 10 minute walk!

I walk three spaniels for between 3 and 4 hours EVERY SINGLE DAY without whinging (very much) whatever the weather - just tell her you have somewhere else to be/something else to do.

MutedUser · 06/12/2018 14:21

I know of a lot of people who can’t and will never be able to drive myself included. I take medication but to everyone I would look able bodied and lazy for not learning to drive. That is separate from the CF wanting a lift for half a mile tho.

SilverySurfer · 06/12/2018 14:27

Tinkerbellisnotafairy
There's also a lack of understanding with drivers quite how difficult it is to get around when there isn't public transport or when it's raining.

Half a mile in the rain is no fun, especially when you've walked that already with children in tow.

Boo bloody hoo. So what? It's no-one's fault but your own if you can't be arsed to learn to drive.

delboysskinandblister · 06/12/2018 14:31

this isn't about the lifts it's about the assumption that you will pick up the shortfall for which she had not planned when she moved house.

Your friend has shot herself in the foot because who is she going to ask when there is a real emergency and not just a routine piss take

YADNBU - but she is

grumiosmum · 06/12/2018 14:31

Half a mile in the rain is nothing.

Another dog walker here. Tell your friend to buy the appropriate waterproofs & she'll be fine!

SunnyTikka · 06/12/2018 14:32

I understand how the OP feels. For me, it isn't the money/fuel - it's that I take my car because I want to be independent and free of others. I used to give someone a lift home from work on occasion. Then it became every night. Then a lift every morning to save her DH taking her in. I wasn't offered fuel money but I didn't even care about that. I HATED having to wait for someone, meet up with them, drop them off at their home/the shops/their mother's house/the dentist. I hated the fact I couldn't just take a day leave without having to tell her and endure the sad face etc.

In the end I said I wouldn't be going home after work now, I was visiting my sister so I was giving her advance warning so she could sort herself out.
I felt FREEEEEEE!!!!

CaliHummers · 06/12/2018 14:44

Half a mile in the rain is no fun, especially when you've walked that already with children in tow.

It may not be fun but that's not really relevant. I can drive but don't own a car because I find driving no fun at all and it makes me anxious. I'd rather tog myself up in good outdoor clothing and walk or cycle, thereby getting my exercise for the day as well. And 1/2 mile is barely exercise - it's just enough to get warmed up really.

I think OP you just have to say "sorry, that doesn't work for me" and keep saying it. I occasionally do get lifts but I really try not to take the piss. E.g. a pub near me (rural area) hosts a meeting I go to once a month. I get the last bus there, which means I'm about 40 minutes early. Fine, I sit there with a drink and a book. I do get a lift back but I buy the lift giver a drink - at a time when they're not driving! And they do offer the lifts.

Tinkerbellisnotafairy · 06/12/2018 14:46

Boo bloody hoo. So what? It's no-one's fault but your own if you can't be arsed to learn to drive.

Gosh is there really any need to be quite so rude? You have no idea of my circumstances, or indeed those of the OP's friend, so please don't presume that I "can't be arsed to drive"

FWIW I was agreeing that the friend was being a CF anyway!

And don't give me the "Well it's AIBU so you should get used to it" crap. Whatever happened to people just being nice to each other?

babysharkah · 06/12/2018 14:46

Why should op have to walk if she doesn't want to just to not give someone a lift? The friend is taking the piss.

Close family member doesn't drive, drives me insane. The expectation that they will be given a lift just because we're going the same way really grates.

Rudgie47 · 06/12/2018 14:50

Just say I cant I have plans.
or if you want to be more specific, say you have an appointment, are going shopping, to visit relatives etc, etc.
Eventually she will stop asking.
Say you really need to learn how to drive! and suggest details of a local driving school.

Blatherskite · 06/12/2018 15:00

*"There's also a lack of understanding with drivers quite how difficult it is to get around when there isn't public transport or when it's raining.

Half a mile in the rain is no fun, especially when you've walked that already with children in tow."*

WTF?!

I live half a mile from my kids school. I can drive. When it's raining, I still walk my DD to school because a) parking at the school is a pain and b) it's a 10 minute walk! With a waterproof jacket and an umbrella, its easier to walk than it is to drive! If DH happens to be working from home, I leave TWO cars on the drive and walk instead!

There's also a lack of understanding with non-drivers quite how difficult it is to get around when there isn't enough parking and it's raining or how expensive running a car is - there, I've fixed it for you.

ichifanny · 06/12/2018 15:08

Park elsewhere out of sight and tell her you have walked there if she’s asks again , thenngo round corner and jump
In car when the coast is clear.

AliceLateAgain · 06/12/2018 15:10

Park 5 minutes walk away in the direction of you own house.

AliceLateAgain · 06/12/2018 15:12

doh. didn't see your post ichi

Great minds... Smile

Quipsandquotes · 06/12/2018 15:16

There's also a lack of understanding with drivers quite how difficult it is to get around when there isn't public transport or when it's raining

Equally there is a lack of understanding from some non drivers as to how inconvenient it can be at times for drivers to act as a taxi service. What might seem to be ten minutes out of their way for the person getting the lift can actually add up to thirty minutes when you factor in that the driver has to do the extra ten minutes there and back, plus often end up going down a particularly busy road that they normally avoid.

Funnyface1 · 06/12/2018 15:38

Sod that! Always be busy, always be in a rush. She'll get the message. If she keeps asking you outright say you can't afford the petrol.

KeepServingTheDrinks · 06/12/2018 15:42

Assume the OP is currently driving the school run....

PoisonousSmurf · 06/12/2018 15:45

She needs a better coat and an umbrella! She's a real CF!

Thesnobbymiddleclassone · 06/12/2018 16:00

Quipsandquotes Exactly!

TatianaLarina · 06/12/2018 16:08

There's also a lack of understanding with drivers quite how difficult it is to get around when there isn't public transport or when it's raining

No there’s not, that’s why they learnt to drive!

NRPDad · 06/12/2018 16:17

Advise her to invest in a warm winter coat and an umbrella...

No seriously follow the advice for suggesting reasons you can't and over time it will lessen. If she makes comments about the weather etc you can say stuff like you have a really good golf umbrella for when you have to walk in it.

HSarah · 06/12/2018 16:20

That's very cheeky of her but I don't think it will be difficult for you to get out of. Next time she asks say "I'm really sorry I can't I have to get straight home today I'm expecting a delivery/ visitors/ have something to do."

You could carry on like that until she tires of asking, or if you're feeling brave say:

"I just wanted to flag before the weather gets bad that I won't be able to drop you home very regularly, I'm having to be careful about mileage and petrol costs and although it's fine as a one off it's adding 20 minutes to my school run which I can't do too regularly."

A half mile walk should only take her ten minutes.

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