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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to give my friend a lift?

285 replies

User17890672345 · 06/12/2018 10:59

My friend has moved house, she doesn't drive, and our children go to the same school.

She dropped her daughters off the other week, and it was raining, she asked if I would mind giving her a lift home as they had got soaked walking to school, so I said yes.

Now, every time it rains, she asks me for a lift - I wouldn't mind but she lives the other side of town to me, so it takes me a 3 mile round trip out of my way each time I give her a lift home (her walking route is shorter than this, about 1/2 a mile)

I feel like I've made a rod for my own back, she's a great friend, but I worry about winter coming and the snow, and having to drive her home all the time, I've already given her 5 lifts - that's 15 miles of petrol that isn't in my budget either.

Our children are in the lower stages of school, so if I don't do something now I think she'll expect this for years to come.

What do I say to her? I feel so put on the spot when she asks me

OP posts:
godeeva · 07/12/2018 20:56

I had the same issue but friend simply dropped her kids off to me. I sent my car in for repairs (preplanned) and suggested my friend and I share an Uber. She said she preferred to walk. Car was in repairs for 2 weeks. At the end of that time, I let her know I was continuing with Uber so lift not possible. Problem sorted. We never used Uber btw🤩

jane251 · 07/12/2018 20:57

I agree with Tinkerbell-those who have a car-perhaps through a rich husband?- should least try and imagine the fatigue and cold of walking long distances in the rain.

PoshPenny · 07/12/2018 21:00

Just tell her straight, it's out of your way, inconvenient, time consuming and you're not a free taxi service. She needs to sort out proper waterproof clothes and footwear for herself and the kids and get on with it, maybe whilst considering learning to drive if that's an option for her. Its certainly not your problem.

recovery18 · 07/12/2018 21:02

It's not a long distance though jane it's half a mile , which is 8-10 minutes walk.

I would try to avoid her - why do you see her at drop off?

I would just say "I can't, it's out of my way really isn't it?" She is a CF so who cares if she gets the hump?

masterandmargarita · 07/12/2018 21:08

If you don't have a car walk with an umbrella

blackteasplease · 07/12/2018 21:08

Our walk to school is about a mile so half a mile doesn't seem much. When it's driving with rain I do sometimes drive though, but if as often happens I was on foot I'd never expect a lift especially not from someone for whom jt wasn't on the way.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 07/12/2018 21:10

I understand how you feel OP. The posters suggesting that this isn't really a big thing aren't getting that it's actually a big tie, to be almost at the beck and call of somebody who places a burden, however light, on you. You're never free to just decide to go off or so something on a whim.

Posters wax lyrical about husbands/partners who aren't competent and place 'brain load' on them - there are women who do that too, a bit more insidiously through friendship or obligation or another woman's 'natural' default to 'be kind'. It's not on really.

OP, I would just tell your friend that this isn't to be a regular thing. If you're around and it's convenient to you, you'll let her know and, if she needs a lift that day, she'll be able to have one. Don't, for goodness sake, say that you're going to the supermarket because the next thing you know is you'll have another trolley bumping alongside you. And it will become the obligation extreme... weekly shopping, somebody's food, yada yada.

My advice is to offer only if it's something that you are willing to offer. Anything else will make you miserable if it has the weight of expectation placed on it.

FestiveNut · 07/12/2018 21:11

Just say, "Sorry, it's just totally the wrong direction for me."

I was a non driver for ages and would actively refuse a lift if it was in the wrong direction for the driver.

She is being a CF.

Andylion · 07/12/2018 21:12

OP, if you are coming back...

The next time she asks, say that, for whatever reason, you can't go out of your way today, to reinforce the inconvenience of her request.

GinghamStyle · 07/12/2018 21:13

I don’t drive and used to catch a bus to get DS to school 3 miles away. I couldn’t afford to keep paying bus fare for both of us to get to school and back and me to get home in between and so I used to walk home and back to school again. As the weather got worse, I bought waterproofs and walked home in the rain and snow.

I think your friend needs to rethink her plans. Have a chat with her, tell her that you’re happy to give her lifts up until the Christmas holiday and then in then in the New Year, she needs to have a plan in place for bad weather.

Do any other parents drive back her way that could do bad weather days if she walked their children home when it’s nice?

fuzzywuzzy · 07/12/2018 21:17

I don’t drive, I had two little children and was a single parent for years. We managed to get around fine.

We live in England and are used to the weather in England. Rain, snow, sunshine we managed fine getting about.

Yes sometimes it would have been lovely to have been able to jump into a car, but actually the upkeep and fuel consumption of a car would have really eaten into our family budget.

Everyone going on about people who can drive owing non drivers are absolutely nuts.

Drivers owe non driving friends nothing. I would find creative ways of getting by and actually my dc are very resourceful at getting around and are happy to pitch in carry their own book bags for example whereas my friends who drive their kids get tired faster and moan about carrying bags.

I used to have lots of friends offer to give us lifts, but in as far as I could I always refused, why would I put someone else out? As a result when I needed help when I was unwell etc I had lots of people willingly and incredibly kindly help me.

OP don’t feel guilty, tell the friend; no it’s out of your way.

GameofPhones · 07/12/2018 21:19

Keep a brolly in your bag. Next time she asks for a lift, say 'Oh I tell you what, why don't you just borrow my umbrella? I haven't got time to drive out of my way'. Rinse and repeat, she should get the hint.

Grannyannex · 07/12/2018 21:20

Park your car a ten minute walk from school (in the direction of your house) and walk in saying you’re trying to get your kids a little bit fitter by doing so. And you’re jealous of her walk.

BumsexAtTheBingo · 07/12/2018 21:29

Great suggestion from Grannyannex.

AutisticPenguin · 07/12/2018 21:42

I can't even begin to comprehend anyone think that half a mile is a distance even worth talking about! It's barely 10 minutes. I'd be embarrassed asking for a lift for that distance even in the pissing rain. It's like twice round a running track. Wow.

Renster · 07/12/2018 21:44

In the spirit of itchy fanny and Alice, park it near HER house - so when she asks for a lift, say ‘Sure! It’s just a short walk away!’ Then when you get to your car, she’s practically home anyway 😂

Steamedbadger · 07/12/2018 21:46

those who have a car-perhaps through a rich husband?
You what now?

Dillydallyer · 07/12/2018 21:48

@Tinkerbellisnotafairy totally appreciate you agree that the friend is a CF however a taxi fare is more expensive than the cost of petrol because it also covers insurance, tax, MOT, wear and tear on the car. So why should a friend just be paid the cost of fuel for a lift?! If the OP is involved in an RTC whilst driving somewhere she didn’t even need to be would the friend cover any costs for damage? Of course not.

FrustratedBeyond · 07/12/2018 22:08

Im the only person who drives in my family who are local and they seem to think I can just drive them anywhere like it would never be an inconvenience for me - I am disabled and recently had cancer removed from my knee!!

Willow2017 · 07/12/2018 22:11

I agree with Tinkerbell-those who have a car-perhaps through a rich husband?- should least try and imagine the fatigue and cold of walking long distances in the rain.

Have my first "are you on glue?"

You seriously think women cannot own a car on thier own? Or are you just being goady?
You think .half a mile walk is a long distance? It will take her 10 minutes ffs!

The fact she moved away isnt ops problem to solve. Why should op go out of her way every school day adding miles to her own journey (which is longer than friends anyway) and costing her time and money for petrol to.save her friend a 10 walk!

PeppyPiggy · 07/12/2018 22:16

Assertive, honest and direct is the best way to approach things that feel uncomfortable or awkward. You can't just avoid her, or pretend not to see her and whizz past lol, don't be a coward as a couple comments seem to be suggesting. If you feel like you don't want to give her a lift that does not make you a bad or mean person and you are totally right to feel the way you do. What you could to do is, next time you see her, just respond saying "I can't, but let's catch up soon" ...Honest without being rude or awkward, if she feels awkward it's her problem?

I only just got a car this year. DD and I have been walking and bus-ing it around for ages, no problems, rain and even snow! Never asked people for lifts...

StoneofDestiny · 07/12/2018 22:32

I agree with Tinkerbell-those who have a car-perhaps through a rich husband?- should least try and imagine the fatigue and cold of walking long distances in the rain 🤮🤮

I think you will find those with cars know about walking long distances in the rain. Comes with doing it before you are a car owner, or through shopping trips when you have to walk from shop to shop. You see cars have to be left behind sometimes and footwear, brollies and raincoats come in handy.

You will also find the overwhelming majority of women own a car because they bought it with their earnings. They will have bought it to get around quicker and not to provide a regular taxi service for others.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 07/12/2018 22:41

Rich husband? Hahahahaha, no!
I have a car because I work, often 15 hours a day. I make economies, I sell stuff I don't need and I take on more work if I can, all in order to pay for my (10 year old) car. I drive as much as I can afford and sometimes that includes going out of my way for others, but I couldn't afford for that to be a regular thing and it doesn't sound like the OP can either.

I've had to walk half a mile to take my kids to the bus, in the pouring rain and howling gales, in the Outer Hebrides (no shelter, pavements or streetlights) and it was a bit miserable sometimes. I never saw it as anyone else's problem though, although I did whinge a bit when I was pregnant and needed crutches.

Avrannakern · 07/12/2018 22:44

@jane251

So we can't afford cars without rich husband's? Am I in the 1950s without realising?

Jeez... aren't you a fantastic addition to womankind.... what's wrong with you?

IamMoana · 07/12/2018 23:15

I am a non driver and don't think I've ever asked anyone for a lift! We walk/bus/train it everywhere. All weathers! I do have lovely friends who offer, but honestly I prefer to make my own way to places. It does cause a strange kind of offence sometimes like we should be grateful and snap up the offer. Public transport doesn't bother me at all. We are all different.

I personally would be honest - tell her it's eating into your time and finances and you're only able to help if it's an emergency. If she's a real friend, she'll be hugely embarrassed and apologetic. If she flounces, well that's her choice.