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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to give my friend a lift?

285 replies

User17890672345 · 06/12/2018 10:59

My friend has moved house, she doesn't drive, and our children go to the same school.

She dropped her daughters off the other week, and it was raining, she asked if I would mind giving her a lift home as they had got soaked walking to school, so I said yes.

Now, every time it rains, she asks me for a lift - I wouldn't mind but she lives the other side of town to me, so it takes me a 3 mile round trip out of my way each time I give her a lift home (her walking route is shorter than this, about 1/2 a mile)

I feel like I've made a rod for my own back, she's a great friend, but I worry about winter coming and the snow, and having to drive her home all the time, I've already given her 5 lifts - that's 15 miles of petrol that isn't in my budget either.

Our children are in the lower stages of school, so if I don't do something now I think she'll expect this for years to come.

What do I say to her? I feel so put on the spot when she asks me

OP posts:
FairyFlake45 · 07/12/2018 23:26

Just out of interest, why on earth do you drive them to school? If she’s moved further away but her walk is still only a half a mile walk then your’s must be less? Just walk them to school, problem solved.

llangennith · 07/12/2018 23:27

The next few times she asks say you're going to an appointment the opposite way from where she lives. And keep saying it.
The occasional life when offered is nice but she's taking advantage.

yorkrose · 07/12/2018 23:33

Say that you have started a job working from home and have to be available to answer your phone/view computer at set time...

onegiftedgal · 07/12/2018 23:41

Drop your children off as soon as the school will allow them in the morning and hopefully head off back home before your friend arrives/ sees you.
Could you also try taking a slightly different route home to her until she stops asking.
Doing this would avoid confrontation and the ability of her being able to ask you in the first place.

Hellsbells35 · 07/12/2018 23:53

Have you said under duress “it’s no problem at all, anytime” in which case she’s always going to think it’s ok xx

Iloveautumnleaves · 07/12/2018 23:56

Flake

Friends lives the other side of the school to the OP. Walking 1/2 a mile but driving 3 mile (one way or some such) loop back past school then into OP’s house.

Iloveautumnleaves · 07/12/2018 23:57

Bloody iPhone is driving me batshit. Hope you can still make sense of that.

acegod · 08/12/2018 00:25

This is what you do. Empty your car so no personal belongings. 2. Don't offer and give her a lift as she's expecting. Drive somewhere or to someone have an hour meeting or window shop leaving her in the car. Come back and she will never expect a lift again. Before you leave say "o sorry i forgot to mention i have a appointment this morning won't be long" an hour later. Say your sorry for being late and repeat. Until she stops expecting.

BITCAT · 08/12/2018 00:28

If you dont drive then you just usually accept that you will probably get wet and cold, used to do it 3 times a day when factoring in nursery runs too.
Luckily i no longer have to do school runs.
And at 41 i am about to start learning to drive, at the same time as my 17yo dd1.
Its not the OPs job to ferry her friend around, once in a blue moon if OP is going that way is fine but it should not be expected.

BITCAT · 08/12/2018 00:41

To add to that when ever i have been in a position where i have asked for a lift, in cases where i need to go A & E with one of the children, or getting somewhere where the public transport doesnt cover..usually we ask the sil..and i always offer money for fuel because its costs money and its just polite to offer. Even my 20yo ds1 offers money if someone gives him a lift

whyamievenamazeddotcom · 08/12/2018 00:47

An awkward one isn’t it ? Different if occasionally or favour repaid or perhaps she really hasn’t considered the extra time and fuel this adds

Unsure of how far you live to the school and age of DC but maybe try a park and walk trial or get scooters for DC as you’re all trying to be healthier that way it won’t become a chore and on the occasions you do drive you’ll feel happy having the time to catch up - does she offer you a coffee or a chat when you drop her off maybe she’s lonely xx

PinkCalluna · 08/12/2018 01:08

You think women need “Rich husbands” to buy them cars Jane251? Shock

I’m a bit... lost for words.

Please do join us on the feminism boards, I think you’ll find it most illuminating.

MutedUser · 08/12/2018 01:11

just say no simple .

DontCallMeCharlotte · 08/12/2018 01:17

FairyFlake45 The OP lives 2.5 miles from the school in the opposite direction.

treeogal · 08/12/2018 01:31

I am a pushover generally, but am learning! SmileI have many friends who don't drive, all gladly accept lifts. Thinking of the three who ask most often 2/3 have no clue the impact it has, one involves 18 min each way (in no traffic) one lives off one of the worst intersections in the city and going 1/2 a mile on their road alone can take 20 minutes. All are good people, lovely friends and so even when I feel like it's inconvenient I try.

Having said that I have a child who is SEN (ASD) and one friend expects lifts at times that don't work for him, and asks for things like lifts that are 40 minute drives clear across the city, and I've started to not offer those as it throws my DC's whole day off and we can't recover. It took this happening twice for me to say no, and it's still hard.

If the lifts are not more than once a week and 3 miles, I personally would do it. Especially for 3 miles, adults only. But I think you have a right not to if this really bothers you. Just remember she may feel hurt and it could impact your friendship; not a reason per se, but maybe she truly enjoys the time with you and since the kids are in school thinks it isn't a biggy!

MumW · 08/12/2018 09:03

Can't remember who said it, but there is no such thing as bad weather, just the wrong clothing.

Half a mile is no distance at all. I walked at least this distance to school and back as a primary school pupil without a second thought AND I came home for lunch.
The society has become lazy and entitled.

It's difficult when friend's take you for granted but you are being massively inconvenienced and eventually that is going to ruin your friendship any way so I'd consider telling her how much of an impact this extra time is having on you.

manicmij · 08/12/2018 09:44

Suggest you have seen some lovely waterproof jackets that you would like if you had to walk to and from school rather than using all the fuel you seem to be using nowadays. Hopefully she will take the hint. Difficult one.

AutisticPenguin · 08/12/2018 09:54

My mum walked 1.3 miles each way to drop us and pick us up from primary school. She did some shopping on the way home in the mornings sometimes too and did half the journey carrying a couple of shopping bags. And it wasn't flat where we lived! She wouldn't have dreamed of asking for a lift.

This person expecting a lift for half a mile is a lazy, entitled CF who needs to be told to get a grip (preferably on an umbrella handle).

WickedWitchOfTheWest83 · 08/12/2018 10:03

Say you have a doctors appointment or you have to get straight off in the other direction. Come OP - be a bit more assertive 🙄

RhiWrites · 08/12/2018 10:31

Being assertive would be to say “when you moved further away I didn’t sign up to drive you around”. It’s just not reasonable for her to expect this.

Holidayshopping · 08/12/2018 10:31

Is the OP coming back?!

BBCONEANDTWO · 08/12/2018 10:34

You need to nip this in the bud whether she offers you petrol or not. It ties you into something that you shouldn't have to do.

Just say you're busy and in a rush and try to stand with someone else if you can when you collect from school so it's not as awkward.

It's a cheek if you ask me and she's the unreasonable one

FairyFlake45 · 08/12/2018 11:28

I agree with poster whyamievenamazeddotcom. Children should be encouraged to walk to school. If you live too far, what most people at our school do is drive and then park a 5-10 min walk away so the kids can still get their ‘walk to school’ badge. You could then easily say, you haven’t got the car with you! Or that you’re parked 15 mins away in the opposite direction to her 😉
Really can’t believe she thinks half a mile is too far to walk. 😂

IwantedtobeEmmaPeel · 08/12/2018 11:37

I agree with Tinkerbell-those who have a car-perhaps through a rich husband?- should least try and imagine the fatigue and cold of walking long distances in the rain.
Are you for fucking real? I and all of my friends always worked and bought our own cars & paid for all car expenses, none of us had rich husbands that bought us little women cars. Jesus sometimes it's like the 1950s on here, oh wait, my Mum learned to drive in the 50s and guess what - it was she who paid for my parents' first car, not my Dad because she managed her money much better than he did. Oh, and FYI half a mile is NOT a long distance for christ's sake, it is ten minutes at a comfortable walking distance for anyone who is reasonably fit and healthy. The friend is not an ice cube, she won't melt in the rain and just needs to wear a waterproof coat or use a brolly. Thank god we are not all so pathetic as not to be able to manage without a car for half a mile.

woollyheart · 08/12/2018 12:00

I am amused thinking about how many of us have a car - perhaps through a rich husband.😂

Must admit my horror would be my rich husband deciding to treat me with a super car that he thought suitable for little wife.

Fortunately, I am in no danger of that!