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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to give my friend a lift?

285 replies

User17890672345 · 06/12/2018 10:59

My friend has moved house, she doesn't drive, and our children go to the same school.

She dropped her daughters off the other week, and it was raining, she asked if I would mind giving her a lift home as they had got soaked walking to school, so I said yes.

Now, every time it rains, she asks me for a lift - I wouldn't mind but she lives the other side of town to me, so it takes me a 3 mile round trip out of my way each time I give her a lift home (her walking route is shorter than this, about 1/2 a mile)

I feel like I've made a rod for my own back, she's a great friend, but I worry about winter coming and the snow, and having to drive her home all the time, I've already given her 5 lifts - that's 15 miles of petrol that isn't in my budget either.

Our children are in the lower stages of school, so if I don't do something now I think she'll expect this for years to come.

What do I say to her? I feel so put on the spot when she asks me

OP posts:
AndItStillSaidFourOfTwo · 06/12/2018 12:27

Don't invent appointments. It just kicks the can down the road.

I know what the PP means about people feeling they are 'owed' lifts. There are people who don't have a particular (non-essential) resource and think that means those who do are obliged to give/share it. It happened to me over childcare. I wfh and it was assumed that I would be the convenient person.

I think, OP, IIWY I would counter every request, every time, with exactly the same phrase, 'No, sorry, have to get back.' ('Sorry' here being a politeness-filler rather than an apology). If she fails to get the hint after (say) a week of this, or, worse, complains (as my CF did), you will need to be more direct. 'I can't take you every time you ask me to - it takes time out of my day and money out of my budget. I don't mind now and again when the weather's really bad, but, sorry, you've been asking too often.'

amusedbush · 06/12/2018 12:31

There's also a lack of understanding with drivers quite how difficult it is to get around when there isn't public transport or when it's raining.

If you don't (whether it's can't or won't) drive, you can't live somewhere that has poor public transport links. It really is as simple as that. When you rent or buy a house it needs to meet all of your needs, and if someone moves into a house knowing that they will become a pain in the arse to their friends then hell mend them.

I say this as someone who doesn't drive. I HATE driving, I don't have a car and realistically I'll never drive again due to the anxiety it causes. I avoid being a pain in the arse by living somewhere with a train station and a bus stop at the end of the street.

theveryhighlife · 06/12/2018 12:33

I was put in a similar position too.
I started to make excuses, which sounds awful, but she only ever contacts me when she wants a lift!!
Can you try and phase it out? Say you've got Swimming after school or something?

Kitsandkids · 06/12/2018 12:34

My walk to school and back is 0.8 miles each way. It would never occur to me to ask a mum for a lift. Ever. Even in torrential rain.

ClarabellaCTL · 06/12/2018 12:35

*There's also a lack of understanding with drivers quite how difficult it is to get around when there isn't public transport or when it's raining.

Half a mile in the rain is no fun, especially when you've walked that already with children in tow.*

So drivers should take on the responsibility of taking home all those who can't drive or don't have a car? I learned to drive, I pay for my car. I'm not a charity. I don't mind helping people out but I don't think it should be expected!

nutellalove · 06/12/2018 12:39

YANBU. I have never ever asked anyone for a lift because it's been raining. I would take a cab out of my own money if I was that bothered.

MutedUser · 06/12/2018 12:39

Amusedbush not everyone has the luxury of choosing where they live too for example having to accept the only council house that is big enough for your family .

nutellalove · 06/12/2018 12:40

And I'm generally not bothered about rain. I would just invest in a good raincoat tbh

PermanentlyFrizzyHairBall · 06/12/2018 12:41

There's also a lack of understanding with drivers quite how difficult it is to get around when there isn't public transport or when it's raining.

I have sympathy with people who genuinely can't move and can't drive and can have real difficulty but OP's friend isn't in this situation. Even with kids and in the rain 1/2 a mile is an easy walk home - just put on waterproofs. If I was OP's friend I would probably walk even if I had a car , I would just use waterproofs.

Charmlight · 06/12/2018 12:47

Don’t discuss or tackle head on.
Just slide away from the ask with ‘sorry, got to be xxxxx’. You’ll only need to do it a couple of times to break the habit.

AnneLovesGilbert · 06/12/2018 12:50

not everyone has the luxury of choosing where they live too for example having to accept the only council house that is big enough for your family

Sure. But that doesn't make it anyone else's responsibility to give an able bodied adult a lift because they can't be arsed to walk. It's just not OP's problem. And it's half a mile. So hardly counts as "too far".

OoohAyyye · 06/12/2018 12:52

I've just started driving and as a non-driver I had no idea how expensive petrol was (not that I was being a CF asking for lifts!). Perhaps your friend doesn't either?

Perhaps say to her that you are just about managing to run your car and you budget yourself weekly and these extra diversions are adding to your budget?

Allaboutmeandyou · 06/12/2018 12:53

Drop her off at the bus stop and tell her you don't have a lot of petrol left. Be honest and tell her you cant afford her.

Aeroflotgirl · 06/12/2018 12:55

There's also a lack of understanding with drivers quite how difficult it is to get around when there isn't public transport or when it's raining

As a non car driver(I am learning), it is not drivers responsibility to give non car drivers a lift, I have to find other ways to get to my destination, that is how it is unfortunately, and part of being a non car driver is getting wet.

woollyheart · 06/12/2018 12:56

True not everyone has the luxury of living near their school.

But in this case they do. Half a mile is about as close as you can get.

I've worked for companies where I had to walk more than half a mile outside to get to my desk. I should have complained - there should have been someone to drive me if it was wet!

RangeRider · 06/12/2018 12:57

Buy a couple of brollies at the £ shop and next time she asks say 'sorry can't today, got to back home for plumber / food shop delivery / daytime tv but I can lend you a brolly' and whip it out of the car for her. Do that a couple of times and she won't bother asking again AND there's no awkwardness on your part because you've given a 'valid' reason but still offered to 'help' as best you can.

PinkCalluna · 06/12/2018 13:02

The cost of a taxi is considerably more than the cost of petrol per mile.

And why do you think that is Tinkerbell?

It’s because the cost of the taxi factors in petrol, maintenance, servicing, tires, insurance and tax as well as the driver’s time.

If someone gives you a lift and you offer petrol money it still costs you less than it costs the driver.

EdinaMonsoon · 06/12/2018 13:03

I think she is being precious to say she can't walk half a mile in the rain, even with children in tow. I didn't learn to drive until DS was 3 so I understand how tricky crappy weather and toddlers/young children can be but you just get on with it. YANBU at all. And as you have seen, it's now gone from rain being the reason to simply "CBA". That's not okay & is absolute evidence of CF-ery. It is a horrid situation for you because you will feel resentful if you continue and awkward trying to stop now. For that reason, I would say honesty is the best way forward & I wouldn't wait until the next time she asks because you are less likely to stand your ground with a pouty faced woman standing in front of you!

woollyheart · 06/12/2018 13:04

Do you ever walk your own children to school? If it was possible for you, I would start a trend of healthy walking in all weathers for your health and to save money. Then, when she asks, you can say, that we have walked ourselves to teach children to walk more and to save on fuel.

If you can't afford the time to walk, don't you have somewhere you want to get to, so just say, sorry you are not on my route, and I need to be somewhere on time.

MyDcAreMarvel · 06/12/2018 13:07

How is the walk half a mile but the drive three?

Avrannakern · 06/12/2018 13:09

@MyDcAreMarvel

Because the friend lives in the opposite direction from the OP. So OP needs to leave the school and drive away from her house to the friends house, then turn around and double back to the school then onwards to her on her house.

DontCallMeCharlotte · 06/12/2018 13:10

why should the OP walk to school to avoid giving a lift.

I'm not saying she should at all but I was thinking something along the lines of woollyheart's comment (until OP said she lives two and a half miles from school Smile).

I honestly don't know how anyone has the nerve to ask for a lift in the first place but especially from someone going in the opposite direction!

Suffice to say, OP, YANBU!

woollyheart · 06/12/2018 13:10

Lots of places have pedestrian paths that are shorter than roads, and friend is other side of town. Assume it is a combination of these.

MutedUser · 06/12/2018 13:12

Anne totally agree and I’ve posted on here pretty much the same as you said . My comment u quoted was aimed at a poster who said if you don’t drive you should live in a house next to a bus stop or a train station and I was saying that not everyone can choose where they live .

DeathyMcDeathStarFace · 06/12/2018 13:17

YANBU, it would be understandable to offer her lifts sometimes if she lived beside you, but she doesn't anymore so it is costing you in time and money.

A friend of ours lives on the same estate as we do, she goes past our house to get to hers further along the street. Over the past couple of years when dh was on a day off we would offer her and her ds a lift to school if we were using the car. Friend passed her driving test in January and started using her car for school every day, in over 10 months she offered us a lift once, maybe twice. (One time it was raining badly and we were a few minutes late leaving, she went past and stopped at the corner and offered a lift. (I think there was another time too.) Fair enough, I thought, she has no obligation to give us lifts, I was thankful for her taking us down in the rain when we were late.

A couple of days ago she had an accident on the way home from work and her car is awaiting repair. We have given her and her ds a lift to school both mornings since (dh not at work) and dropped her off at work. It does feel a bit Hmm when we have given her more lifts in 2 days than she gave us in 10 months, but it feels a bit stingy to not offer her a lift as she walks past us to get to school. But it is more understandable for us to be giving our friend lifts than it is for you to go out of your way to take your friend home. (But we are going to stop taking her to work).

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