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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to give my friend a lift?

285 replies

User17890672345 · 06/12/2018 10:59

My friend has moved house, she doesn't drive, and our children go to the same school.

She dropped her daughters off the other week, and it was raining, she asked if I would mind giving her a lift home as they had got soaked walking to school, so I said yes.

Now, every time it rains, she asks me for a lift - I wouldn't mind but she lives the other side of town to me, so it takes me a 3 mile round trip out of my way each time I give her a lift home (her walking route is shorter than this, about 1/2 a mile)

I feel like I've made a rod for my own back, she's a great friend, but I worry about winter coming and the snow, and having to drive her home all the time, I've already given her 5 lifts - that's 15 miles of petrol that isn't in my budget either.

Our children are in the lower stages of school, so if I don't do something now I think she'll expect this for years to come.

What do I say to her? I feel so put on the spot when she asks me

OP posts:
Tinkerbellisnotafairy · 06/12/2018 11:58

Oh my heart breaks - if it's that dreadful then learn to drive FFS - right, because it's just that easy Hmm

FWIW I agree that the friend is being a CF - as I said previously, she should have waited to be offered a lift, not just asked for one, and then expected it henceforth.

About the expectation of "owing" a lift - some people do think that (not me, I hasten to add). But I know other people who don't drive and who just expect other people to give them lifts or pick things up for them regardless.

I go out of my way to not put any of driving friends to any trouble, which has cost me a fortune on taxis, buses etc.

The cost of a taxi is considerably more than the cost of petrol per mile.

But anyway, I digress. This isn't a thread about drivers vs non-drivers - we have no idea of the friend's financial or health circumstances.

The point is, she is being a bit of a CF and OP needs to try and talk to her about it.

MarilynSlumroe · 06/12/2018 11:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LagunaBubbles · 06/12/2018 12:00

HOWEVER, there is also almost an expectation if someone is "lucky" enough to drive and own a car, that they almost "owe" people who don't drive

Expectations from who? The only people who would think this would be complete cheeky fuckers!

DarlingNikita · 06/12/2018 12:01

If you want to be nice, you could say mildly that you don't have the petrol money for regular lifts and that she really shouldn't rely on you because obviously you have your own commitments that mean you're not always available.

Lweji · 06/12/2018 12:01

To be clear, she asks you for lifts going home when it rains?

Even if they get soaked (bar a proper storm) it's a quick walk home and then they change into dry clothes.

Just tell her that you're happy to help in an emergency, but that it takes you so much extra that it's really not convenient for you.

Unless she's such a good friend that she does favours for you all the time.

BumsexAtTheBingo · 06/12/2018 12:02

I would think of something in advance that you need to get back to so you’re not put on the spot. Tell her that you’ve started going to a gym class or some other regular thing that you have to get changed for and go straight out. Once you’ve got out of the habit friend will probably get the hint and stop asking.

MutedUser · 06/12/2018 12:03

I have to agree Marilyn by the time she got to the car strapped all the kids in she could have walked the half mile and been home already .

Iloveautumnleaves · 06/12/2018 12:03

I’m a little confused now though...

If the friends house is half a mile from school and the op is doubling back PAST the school, how is the ‘detour’ bit for ger friend THREE miles and taking half an hour, by car?

AnneLovesGilbert · 06/12/2018 12:04

right, because it's just that easy hmm

Not like this woman didn't know where her new home was in relation to her DC school when she chose to live there....

Bigonesmallone3 · 06/12/2018 12:05

@Mummylife2018
That's exactly what I meant

Clearly..

Xocaraic · 06/12/2018 12:06

My thoughts on this is pull on your big girl pants and speak to your friend. Dialogue in all parts of life can help fix misunderstandings.

Explain that while you are happy to help her out sometimes with a lift, it is not always feasible for you to do so.
You might be pleasantly surprised at her reply.

Willow2017 · 06/12/2018 12:06

Half a mile in the rain is no fun, especially when you've walked that already with children in tow.

Why is that ops problem?
Her friend chose to move away she should have factored in the walk to school all by herself or is it ok for her to presume op has nothing better to do every morning but add 3 miles worth of petrol onto her budget, up the mileage and wear and tear and 20 minutes out of her day just for her for free?

I can barely afgord to tun my own car never mind go out of my way to give lifts to someone else 5 days a week.
Ridiculous. Walking in the rain wont do you any harm at all.

DailyMailWankers · 06/12/2018 12:07

@Iloveautumnleaves

OP lives 2.5 miles from school
Friend lives 0.5 miles from school in the other direction

By the time OP gets through the school traffic to friends house, drops her off, turns around, drives back past the school through traffic and then the 2.5 miles to her own house she's been driving for 30 minutes.

SelpMeGod · 06/12/2018 12:08

I had a car but chose to walk the children to school. It was a 12 minute walk.

When it rained we just did trousers tucked into socks, waterproof trousers over the top (zipped bottoms) pushed up their legs, then wellies onto feet and waterproof trousers pulled down over wellies and zipped up. School shoes carried in plastic bag.

Get to school, lean against wall under eaves, take off wellies and waterproof trousers and put on school shoes.

I did this with 2 children for years. I also wore waterproof trousers/wellies combo.

I moved for secondary school catchment for Ds1 but kept them both at the primary which involved a 15 minute drive. I did not expect anyone to help me out with that as I chose to move out.

Tell her you don't want to commit to lift giving any more.

MutedUser · 06/12/2018 12:08

Iloveautum I’m guessing the town has a one way system or similar in effect which the CF could avoid by walking .

Iloveautumnleaves · 06/12/2018 12:09

by the time she got to the car strapped all the kids in she could have walked the half mile and been home already

It’s only her, not the kids. The kids are at school. This is after dropping the kids off. The OP has said there’s not room in he car for her friend and her kids

Lweji · 06/12/2018 12:10

Ups, sorry, should have read better.

Give her a lift going home?

Surely, if she's wet from walking to the school she can get herself home easily!

Unless... Do you think she might crave some adult company?

PermanentlyFrizzyHairBall · 06/12/2018 12:12

Just tell her that you're happy to help in an emergency, but that it takes you so much extra that it's really not convenient for you.

I think this is the best advice, making up a lie could backfire.

MutedUser · 06/12/2018 12:12

Ah thanks autumn I didn’t read that properly I should not be allowed on Mumsnet with only 2 hours sleep .

woollyheart · 06/12/2018 12:14

I agree with many people - half a mile is not far if you are fit and well. She needs to get a waterproof. If she craves some company, she is barely going to get a few words out before she is out of the car again.

Best to be honest - you can't afford extra fuel for lifts and don't want to be committed to giving lifts.

dustarr73 · 06/12/2018 12:16

So its not even for the benefit for the kids,its so she doesnt get wet going home.

No put a stop to it now,it will only get worse.

lynnepot · 06/12/2018 12:16

No one would drive half a mile to school, would they?

Believe me, I know people who live on the same street as the school and still jump in the car for school runs Grin

In OP's position, i'd start giving excuses like why you can't. I've got a surgery appointment, oh not today I need to go somewhere, etc. She'll get the hint sooner or later you are not the reliable mug she'll stop asking you before too long.

pippop1317 · 06/12/2018 12:17

How about an umbrella for Christmas Grin
Next time it rains ask her where her Brolly is and then say your in a rush.

Iloveautumnleaves · 06/12/2018 12:19

Yes, sorry, I forgot she said her walking route is shorter than the driving route. I was thinking about the comparatives here distance wise. I can’t believe anyone thinks twice about walking half a mile home.

Celebelly · 06/12/2018 12:23

We live in the UK - chances are, it's going to rain a fair bit, depending on where you are! I think if it was really terrible, storm-like weather (as in weather warning type stuff, very strong winds, torrential rain, flooding) then I'd offer, but if it's just raining as it does a lot of the time in various parts of the UK, I wouldn't feel inclined to offer. The next time or two she asks just say you're in a rush and can't. Maybe she'll get the hint.

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