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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to give my friend a lift?

285 replies

User17890672345 · 06/12/2018 10:59

My friend has moved house, she doesn't drive, and our children go to the same school.

She dropped her daughters off the other week, and it was raining, she asked if I would mind giving her a lift home as they had got soaked walking to school, so I said yes.

Now, every time it rains, she asks me for a lift - I wouldn't mind but she lives the other side of town to me, so it takes me a 3 mile round trip out of my way each time I give her a lift home (her walking route is shorter than this, about 1/2 a mile)

I feel like I've made a rod for my own back, she's a great friend, but I worry about winter coming and the snow, and having to drive her home all the time, I've already given her 5 lifts - that's 15 miles of petrol that isn't in my budget either.

Our children are in the lower stages of school, so if I don't do something now I think she'll expect this for years to come.

What do I say to her? I feel so put on the spot when she asks me

OP posts:
SilverBirchTree · 06/12/2018 11:41

If she is a good friend, does she possibly see it as a chance for you to catch up and chat? so more of a mutual social thing rather than one person doing the other a favour?

But I agree if it's a bit much (and her offering to chip in for petrol and car wear & tear makes no difference to your interest in doing it) then just say 'sorry, can't today.' a few times to break the habit.

Thesnobbymiddleclassone · 06/12/2018 11:42

DontCallMeCharlotte why should the OP walk to school to avoid giving a lift.

OP just say no, get in your car and drive home. She'll soons top asking.

PinkCalluna · 06/12/2018 11:42

HOWEVER, there is also almost an expectation if someone is "lucky" enough to drive and own a car, that they almost "owe" people who don't drive.

I don’t owe anyone a lift.

I’ll give lifts where there’s a real need or where it’s convenient and pleasant for me but it’s a favour, no one is entitled to it.

If you or your children are rude, ungrateful or taking my kindness for granted then there will be no more lifts.

If it’s inconvenient for me and it’s not really needed then no more lifts.

This is the U.K., it rains, no one is going to melt..

My D.C. walk a mile home from school most days in the rain (as did I in my day) They have a suitable coat and shoes and they are fine.

diddl · 06/12/2018 11:43

"You just need the right gear and you're fine. "

Yup!

Kids here play out in the rain, mud & snow.

adaline · 06/12/2018 11:43

Half a mile in the rain is no fun, especially when you've walked that already with children in tow.

Half a mile is barely a 15 minute walk! Get a decent umbrella, a waterproof jacket and decent boots and you'll be absolutely fine. I was out with the dog this morning for an hour - wore waterproof trousers and jacket, waterproof boots and a peaked hat, hood pulled up over the top and I wasn't at all wet when I got home. It wasn't particularly fun or enjoyable but the dog needs walking - just like this lady's DC need to get to school.

Decent waterproof shoes, a waterproof coat and trousers, and an umbrella are a worthwhile investment if you know you need to walk the school run in the winter months. In this weather being dry and warm is more important than looking "nice", isn't it?

KeysHairbandNotepad · 06/12/2018 11:43

I don't drive (big city , good public transport etc) and I think she's taking the piss.

It's really not your responsibility to ferry her around. If her kids' school is too far /inconveniently placed from her home she should move them.

Please start saying no.

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 06/12/2018 11:43

“Sorry, I can’t” is all you need to say. Or, if you like, “Sorry, I’m not going your way this morning”. Both accompanied by a bright smile, cheery wave and a quick getaway.

She’s cheeky to ask you to go out of your way. And yes, if you don’t nip this in the bud she will start to depend on you for the DC too.

SilverBirchTree · 06/12/2018 11:44

Agree with some PPs that non-drivers often have no sense of how inconvenient a trip is. They don't think about things like traffic, a tedious route, the extra 10 minutes back because you've doubled back. They simply see it as much easier and more convenient than their own alternative, which is walking.

RCohle · 06/12/2018 11:45

YANBU.

A one off favour is completely different to what is becoming an increasingly expected obligation. She is clearly unaware that the time and cost of constantly giving her small lifts really adds up.

WhyAmISoCold · 06/12/2018 11:45

She shouldn't have moved further away from the school if she couldn't be bothered to do the walking. Say you can't today or you aren't driving that way. Do it often enough and she will get the hint.

KeepingEveryoneSafe · 06/12/2018 11:45

I love driving but the cheeky fuckery would put me off straight away!

theonlyKevin · 06/12/2018 11:46

you have to be quite insistent that no, I really am happy to walk.
fine, but that's not what your original post said!

If the friend doesn't want to walk 2.5 miles, which is not that much, she is free to get a taxi. It's cheaper when you organise a regular schedule.

It wouldn't even occur to most people to ask for a lift when the driver lives at the other side of town, unless there's a one-off emergency! CF at their best.

MutedUser · 06/12/2018 11:47

Are these primary aged children. Don’t the school need to provide transport if it’s over a certain amount of miles

Iloveautumnleaves · 06/12/2018 11:48

I have a friend that can’t drive due to medical reasons. I’ll happily go to her house, drive whenever we go out anywhere, take her to hospital visits, take her if she needs to get somewhere that’s don’t difficult by PT if I can etc, BUT she doesn’t ever take it for granted and she’s really self sufficient. She walks and cycles loads, takes the train/bus to get most places that are too far to walk/cycle. It’s generally ME saying ‘LET me take you - it’s 30 minutes by car and 3 hours (each way) by walk/bus/train/bus/walk’.

Your friend, on the other hand, just moved and knew beforehand where the school was...she needs decent waterproof shoes, a raincoat and a reality check that she can’t choose to have the attitude of ‘cba’. You’re worried about upsetting her, but she doesn’t seem worried about putting you out.

She MAY not actually realise it’s putting you out though. If she was a GOOD friend, I don’t think it would bother me. It bothers you though, so I think you should just start gently & say ‘Sorry, can’t today. Think of how great your bum will look after you’ve been walking the school run twice a day for a while. Might have to start myself’...

If she doesn’t take the hint before the new term starts you might have to be blunt.

purpleweasel · 06/12/2018 11:49

Sorry but it's bad luck to give someone an umbrella as a present (see superstitions thread).

In seriousness, it was nice of you to give her lifts but you need to make it clear (but gently of course) that it's not going to be all the time and that it will be at your instigation not hers. Half a mile is not far, though it does feel like five times that in the pouring rain, but it really is her problem not yours.

Avrannakern · 06/12/2018 11:50

If you don't want to confront it head on and simply say you don't want to or you can't afford the added petrol then just keep saying "I can't; really busy and need to rush" then just walk away and get in your car. Keep doing it. She will stop asking.

PermanentlyFrizzyHairBall · 06/12/2018 11:50

I'm always amazed at the brass neck of some people. I had a year without a car and never asked for lifts. As people knew I couldn't drive I was often offered lifts and rarely accepted unless I knew it was no trouble (for example my neighbour was driving to the same birthday party as we were going to). Unless it was an actual emergency I would never had asked someone to make a trip out of their house in bad weather just for me.

You definitely need to nip this in the bud.
You don't need to justify yourself but if you do want to give a reason.
I only have enough petrol for the next week and it's not in my budget to fill up before then. It's a 30 minute round trip and I don't have time. Beware the petrol excuse though she may offer to give you £1.50 for your trouble!

I can drive but usually still walk with DC in the rain, you just need to be prepared with waterproofs.

Mummylife2018 · 06/12/2018 11:51

@Bigonesmallone3 Lie you mean?!

MarilynSlumroe · 06/12/2018 11:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MutedUser · 06/12/2018 11:53

OH sorry Marilyn I thought I read on the thread 2 and a half miles

lynnepot · 06/12/2018 11:54

If she had her children with her and it were tipping down then Id offer a lift. If it were just her then i'd let her make her own way home. I'm not a taxi driver, which is how she is treating you.

Momo18 · 06/12/2018 11:54

This annoys me. I give plenty of people lifts but it's not just fuel costs, extra milage devalues the car, increases insurance and puts you more at risk of an accident which I doubt they would cover damages. I know of someone who persuaded a family member to drive a hire van for them, there was an accident and the poor drive had to foot a few hundred on the excess. Unless a friend of mine had health reasons then I'd be pretty irritated by the expectation as well.

MutedUser · 06/12/2018 11:54

Just read it again it’s the OP who is 2 and half miles away from the school not the CF who is half a mile away .

MsJolly · 06/12/2018 11:57

I agree on nipping it in the bud now-the weather is only going to get worse and soon you’ll be doing it daily!

DailyMailWankers · 06/12/2018 11:57

That's ridiculously lazy of your friend assuming she is fit and able. I live half a mile from the kids school and wouldn't dream of taking my car. It's less than 10 minutes walk.

Is it possible she just wants a natter OP? If she's not working maybe she gets a bit lonely at home?