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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you encourage your DD to marry someone rich?

271 replies

DixieDarling1 · 04/12/2018 20:12

I have a DD who is in her twenties, and two younger children, and have always encouraged DD to be in a relationship with someone who loves her, treats her well, and makes her happy.

I was on a night out at the weekend and talking to a friend of a friend who has 3 DDs in their twenties, and she was saying that she has always encouraged them to find a husband/partner who is wealthy, and has made it clear to them when they've had boyfriends who haven't made the cut that she isn't happy.

She is thrilled that the eldest of her DDs has recently married a man in his mid thirties who is very wealthy, and boasted all evening about it and about the house/car/lifestyle that her DD now has.

It just made me wonder really if this is a 'thing' and whether parents do encourage their daughters to marry someone rich, and should I be doing the same to my DDs?

OP posts:
ChristmasCakesPlease · 05/12/2018 10:23

How about encourage DDs to be financially independent. Why encourage them to find a man with money? Why not encourage them to earn their own.

corythatwas · 05/12/2018 10:30

My family have a tendency, going back many generations, for extremely happy marriages under modest circumstances. We have been, over the last century and a bit, smallholders, teachers, shopkeepers, stone masons, fishermen, carpenters. In the present generation also a couple of academics. A love of education very apparent, but usually more education than money, and much of it self-taught rather than the result of privilege. I don't see anything wrong with that. We are good at making the most of our money, tend to avoid debt at all costs, and are usually good with children.

I would urge the poster who sneered at "stick them in state schools and make other people pay for them" to consider for a moment how much of the infrastructure her own life depends on would function at all if it weren't for this type of modestly paid hard-working person. If everybody felt bad about being a nurse or a road-worker, it would be hard for the rest of you to make money, wouldn't it?

As for my own children, of course they can marry rich people if they like. They can marry ambitious people if they like. But above all, I would like them to marry people who are seriously ambitious about being good people, about making the ones around them happy, about pulling their weight, about not taking advantage. That has worked well for my family for many generations now.

IsThereRoomAtTheInn · 05/12/2018 10:37

That's a good post Cory.

I feel I've been the beneficiary of a series of stable families from way back. There were blips, but none of them of the wealth giving variety!

Undies1990 · 05/12/2018 10:38

I always tell my DD to be self sufficient and NEVER EVER rely on a man for money. Be strong, be focussed, be independent.

theonlyKevin · 05/12/2018 10:45

how much of the infrastructure her own life depends on would function at all if it weren't for this type of modestly paid hard-working person. If everybody felt bad about being a nurse or a road-worker, it would be hard for the rest of you to make money, wouldn't it?

not sure where you are going with that. Nothing wrong with modestly paid people, but we are talking about marrying someone, ideally spending your life with them, raising kids with the same values, dealing with in-laws. People tend to be much happier if they are with someone sharing the same background, ideas and values.

I would hate to live a life where I have to count every penny, can only afford one holiday a year and so on. If you have to work to make a living, and most of us do, you might as well do something you enjoy and gives you all the small luxuries you enjoy.

Babycham1979 · 05/12/2018 10:48

It is, of course, another form of prostitution. Let's not make any bones about it!

RockinRobinTweets · 05/12/2018 10:51

My group of school friends all went to uni and got a profession. They’re now all married and have started having babies and they all seem to want to be SAHMs so whilst they have got good jobs to go back to, at this moment in time they’d all like their husbands to be rich.

So maybe I’ll encourage both.

Personally, I enjoy my work and know that I’d struggle with the idea of being completely dependent on someone else. I married for love and so far, so good.

theonlyKevin · 05/12/2018 10:52

It is, of course, another form of prostitution. Let's not make any bones about it!

Grin

you keep telling yourself that, if it makes you feel better.

There are so many threads about posters miserable because of lack of money, living in bad neighbourhood, neglectful husbands, rude in-laws.

There's always a bitter one who resent someone who married a rich husband and has a happy life. Flowers for you Babycham1979

Babycham1979 · 05/12/2018 11:02

@theonlykevin, don't worry about me; both myself and my partner are comfortably in the top 5% of earners. We've both studied and worked hard to achieve stimulating, rewarding and well remunerated careers. There's no bitterness here.

We all have to sell something, whether it's our brains, our skills, or our bodies. I honestly don't disapprove of sex-workers at all, but I do think we should be honest with ourselves, and others, what exactly we're trading for material gain.

You sound as if you're in denial.

theonlyKevin · 05/12/2018 11:09

both myself and my partner are comfortably in the top 5% of earners.
of course you are Grin

I support the right of women to chose their own path, and I am more than happy to admit being happier with money.

If you do believe a marriage is only about sex and selling yourself one way or another, your life and partnership cannot be as fulfilled as you think it is. Despite being a top 5% earner on MN at 11am and all that Grin

LarryFreakinStylinson · 05/12/2018 11:14

I’d want my daughter to marry someone of a similar educational background who has ambition - not someone who has harebrained schemes but genuinely wants to do well and progress. If that person is wealthy then so be it. Equally if they aren’t but have ambition to do well then that is to be admired.

Above all I want her to be happy and like it or not, money absolutely helps by taking away the day to day concerns of not having enough to get by.

Babycham1979 · 05/12/2018 11:14

How weird. I'm a management consultant on a train to a client, and I'm passing time by living vicariously through odd posts like yours. Why on earth would I make it up? Being in the top 5% only means you're earning £70,000 plus; certainly not a fortune in London, and only around the middle income for most professions UK-wide. Based on previous threads on here, there are plenty of earners on considerably more than that.

My partner's a GP which, sadly, doesn't pay much more than £70,000, but it was love that brought us together, rather than our respective pay-packets.

What's your excuse?

RoboticMary · 05/12/2018 11:14

I would encourage my daughters to be self-sufficient and able to support themselves. But ideally they will marry someone who can support them too. Money doesn’t solve all life’s problems but it makes life a hell of a lot easier!

theonlyKevin · 05/12/2018 11:17

Babycham1979
I don't need an excuse, why would I? Grin

Babycham1979 · 05/12/2018 11:22

Well, Kevin, you seem to be intimating that you would encourage your daughters to make their living from selling their bodies. Your defensiveness suggests you might be in denial about this.

ColdTattyWaitingForSummer · 05/12/2018 11:22

I think I would encourage my dc to marry someone with a similar attitude to money as they do, and similar values (including financial). It’s not just level of wealth, it’s attitude to spending / saving, what your priorities are. (I learned that the hard way.)

KlutzyDraconequus · 05/12/2018 11:28

There was a thread recently where the man refused to pay for childcare and insisted the woman go to work etc. They tried to rope the god mother into helping.

If my daughter picked a rich bloke that gave her a lifestyle but treated her badly, I wouldn't be happy.
If she picked a poor bloke that treated her like a princess, I'd be happier.
Ideally I'd like for her to have her own career and money and pick a partner for love.

theonlyKevin · 05/12/2018 11:32

Babycham1979
once again, it's a odd you think a marriage means selling your body!

I raise and encourage my kids to never settle for someone who is below them, and not pretend that money and social class don't matter. Don't call me defensive because I don't agree that marriage = prostitution, what a weird outlook on life and relationship you have.

If a woman wants to extend her maternity leave and become a SAHM, nothing wrong with that. As much as money matters, your pay slip is not the only thing you bring into a couple and a family. The only working mothers who have a problem with SAHM are the ones who are jealous and feel like they are failing somewhere. The rest of us are too happy to give a monkey on how other people organise their lives.

Hideandgo · 05/12/2018 11:37

It’s not either or. You can be self sufficient and financially independent and marry a rich man. Win win!

Hisaishi · 05/12/2018 11:45

I can see both sides. Being poor is shit, being with someone who is lazy is also shit. They don't need to be rich but at least able to support themselves/a family.

My husband's Asian, we know tons of people who've been vetoed as partners because they weren't rich enough in the eyes of the (almost alway's woman's) family. These aren't people who are working in the local pub either, we're talking people with decent office jobs/middle managers etc, but they're not a doctor/lawyer/engineer, so off you fuck. Government jobs (teacher, immigration etc) are also considered ok cos you get a good pension.

I can understand it on one level. It wasn't long ago that my husband's country was really poor and I guess most families still feel precarious. No one wants to go back to being poor.

Plus, in most Asian cultures, families support each other: hard to do when there's a poorer link.

But I'd encourage my daughter to marry for happiness but not to be poor.

Hideandgo · 05/12/2018 11:46

I’ve only ever dated wealthy men now that I think of it. But it wasn’t the money it was their personality type. And their personality type tends to become wealthy. All 3 of my ex’s and DH are seriously educated, seriously driven, love experiences/extreme sports and are very outgoing. All were also from modest backgrounds and very family orientated and into charity work and fundraising. I clearly have a type. But I’ve never depended on any of them financially in the slightest. My DH would be fine with me being a SAHM to our 4 small kids but I’m not fine with it. I’ve many working years left when they will all be grown and gone. I don’t need a man but I want the one I have.

NetballHoop · 05/12/2018 11:48

My daughter is quite capable of fending for herself in terms of money. Her brothers though...

Phuquocdreams · 05/12/2018 12:00

I don’t think being a woman with a wealthy husband is as commendable as being the CEO of a blue chip company.
It is much harder, and takes more hard work and skills, to become the CEO, particularly if you’re a woman (even though I’m sure many CEOs may not be nice people - although never are some SAHMs). Being able to attract a rich man is not an ability I’ve ever honestly admired or sought to emulate. Maybe you just mean being a SAHM? Particularly as SAHMs of poorer men will often work harder than the wife of a rich man. Even then I have to admit I have never admired SAHMs (daughter of a working mum here) although it’s a choice I’m more understanding of as I get older. Obviously I might admire women who stay at home (that not being a woman’s only defining feature), but it would be for another achievement or personality attribute, not for being a SAHM, if you see what I mean.

Phuquocdreams · 05/12/2018 12:01

Sorry, that should neither are all SAHMs, not never! Obviously some SAHMs are nice people!

MaMaMaMySharona · 05/12/2018 12:09

My mum married for money (my dad was a partner in a firm, she was his secretary Hmm)

When I was younger, she always 'joked' that I should marry a banker, or someone equally as wealthy and used to push me towards the posh bars in town as 'that's where the divorced men hang out'.

To be fair, most of this stopped when I was in my mid-twenties (and all the boyfriends up until that point were certainly not wealthy) and now that I'm with my fiance, she is happy that I've found someone who has the same interests as me - although she is always very interested in hearing about his career progression!

I wouldn't recommend behaving this way in front of your DC...