Would you encourage your DD to marry someone rich?

[DixieDarling1]

I have a DD who is in her twenties, and two younger children, and have always encouraged DD to be in a relationship with someone who loves her, treats her well, and makes her happy.

I was on a night out at the weekend and talking to a friend of a friend who has 3 DDs in their twenties, and she was saying that she has always encouraged them to find a husband/partner who is wealthy, and has made it clear to them when they've had boyfriends who haven't made the cut that she isn't happy.

She is thrilled that the eldest of her DDs has recently married a man in his mid thirties who is very wealthy, and boasted all evening about it and about the house/car/lifestyle that her DD now has.

It just made me wonder really if this is a 'thing' and whether parents do encourage their daughters to marry someone rich, and should I be doing the same to my DDs?

Doddlemoose
That's a really good post. Outlooks come into it a lot.
DH wouldn't want to have married a woman who was seeking to have babies and leave the workplace indefinitely asap.
I wouldn't want to have married a man who felt pulling his weight around the house was 'helping' me.

Goals and relationship roles fit quite highly on reflection.

One relative keeps telling me that it's the most important thing a woman can do to stay at home, why my career means nothing really because obviously I'll be leaving work eventually. They have adult children in 20s and 30s and haven't worked full time since they were born. They make pointed comments about how 'lucky' DH and I are to have the lifestyle we have (average middle professionals who are financially responsible but not loaded). It takes a lot of effort not to point out that that's what happens when 2 people build a career and work full time.

I'll teach my daughter to find someone who cares about her, help her develop her skills so she can be financially independent, and teach her how to spot and avoid cocklodgers.

I'll also warn her that partnerships where there's a big disparity in earning potential can be risky, both for her happiness, and for a family's financial stability. If your partner's pulling in six figures while you were earning £30k before mat leave, the chances are you'll end up being a SAHM if you have children, and not necessarily through choice, and that can be a hard and lonely path to go down. It's a long way in the future, and I'll try to let her make her own decisions, but I think it's better to make an informed decision than become a trailing spouse by accident.

I think I'm just going to keep my nose out of my children's love lives.

Me too ken! I do not want to channel mrs Bennett from pride and prejudice.

Also I am a hopeless goldigger personally. I was asked out for lunch when I was young and gorgeous twice in one week. One of the askers ended up being dh the other another nice chap at work who I didn’t fancy at all. When dh found out a few months later he shook his head in despair he shared an office with the other man who is the only son of one of England’s historic families with buildings named after them and he would buy and sell flats in his lunchtime. Oops!

A couple of my gfs mums’ did this to them. One rebelled totally because she hated her mother and dated men who had no careers/literally sat in their pants to play video games all day ( and might I add weren’t always the nicest people either) and the other gf married someone rich ( after breaking up with a well educated, hardworking boy, because her mother said he would never be rich enough ) and ended up divorcing after a few years as they werentvright for each other..
I would encourage my DDs to study hard and make their own living, and marry someone decent whom treats them with respect

Boris Johnson is rich
Jacob Rees-Mogg is rich
Philip Green is rich.

Would you want someone like that as a son in-law? I'd hope not.

Whilst encouraging children to make their own money is good.
Ultimately they will marry and it is teaching them to pick someone who is kind, hardworking and ambitious which should be encouraged also not just marrying someone who is rich.

Whilst it would be great for your dd or Ds to be a high earner in their own right, living with / marrying someone who sits around playing video games or is an abusive person or just a hard worker who never wants to go anywhere or do anything could wear very thin after a few years.

I think both are important. They need the means to self support but should choose a partner without works hard too. I think it goes for both sons and daughters, neither should believe they deserve a life paid for by others and I wouldn't want any of them funding a spouse who decided not to work.

I thought this was 2018.....are we really still encouraging/expecting women to be financially dependent on men?
Encourage your children to be financially independent and to marry someone who treats them well, respects them and shares the same values.

Absolutely pathetic.

If money is so important, then why not encourage her daughters to aim high and be financially independent in their own right?

I hate these attitudes that it should be the guy that earns the money. As though women are not capable and are just adornments and baby machines within a marriage.

People who think like this do a disservice to womankind as a whole.

I agree with the poster who said it's wise to use your head as well as your heart when making decisions about long term relationships. Think before you let yourself fall for someone and certainly before you have a baby with them. And also with the poster who said be alert for signs of financial uselessness, which is different from being low income. But no, I don't think it's as simple as try and marry rich.

For one thing, some rich men (or women, my DD could be a lesbian for all I know) have that because of factors that would make them unattractive to me personally. So I wouldn't be interested in someone who earns 200k a year from working 24/7 and I'd encourage my children to think carefully about whether the sacrifice would be worth the money. Maybe they'd find that level of drive attractive, rather than horrifying as I do. Someone who has access to family wealth might also be a bit of a red flag if it means they also have to do what they're told.

With that said, I grew up poor and wouldn't fancy it long term. It's not getting any easier either. So it's not nothing, but you think about it holistically. For example, if you want to be the one who's out and earning money and pursuing a full on career, actually a partner who's earning a large salary might be detrimental to that, you may do better with someone who'd keep the home fires burning.

I would also definitely not want any child of mine being in the trophy spouse mode.

My daughter is taught that if she wants to be rich she needs to earn her own money and to never ever rely on any partner to support her or her children. I think financial independence is vital.

Of course we should raise our children to be self sufficient in all things but life is much easier with a spouse who shares your core values, intellect and who wants the same things. Like it or not, most women who have children are at some point financially dependent. Raising a family is expensive. Having a house of your own and holidays is expensive.
Using that brain that allows you to earn a good salary should also be honed in to select a partner who is able to provide and support a family. It doesn’t mean you pick someone who is hideous, unpleasant, controlling or who you dislike just to have money. It means you recognise potential and commitment to being a good spouse and father - and one of the aspects of that is earning potential. A good spouse is more likely to be a good employee, to get promoted, to earn more. A good spouse is likely to remain faithful and not have additional costs of second or third families.
I could never have married someone unemployed, without any ambition, without an inner drive or commitment to excellence. I would never have brought children into the world outside of marriage - because I believe every child should be planned, wanted and provided with long term emotional and financial security.

Most men who have children are also dependent at some point, in that they don't usually earn enough to pay for both the living expenses and the childcare needed in order to allow them to work. They are reliant on the mother to provide some or all of the childcare and/or income, or sometimes the state. They're no less dependent than the mothers, we're just less likely to recognise dependency when it comes from someone who's earning the majority of the income. It's not a woman thing, it's a parent thing.

No and not because I'm one of those sentimental love is all that matters types, but. Just because someone has money doesnt mean they're a scatter the cash, does it. If you want anything in this life. You have to get it yourself.

GrabEmByThePatriarchy Absolutely but that’s where equality and an explicit understanding of shared values and respect comes into play. I do think financial dependency impacts more on women because they are the ones bearing reduced earning capacity due to child rearing.

I would encourage my dd (and ds) to marry someone who worked hard and who was intelligent and fun! Ideally these characteristics would make for someone with a decent salary too.

Good post from Doddler above. Having similar shared values and ideally similar aims and educational background and earnings tends to work betterr. A friend whose daughter has got engaged every time he rings now he mentions how rich her husband is - the man didn't tell the daughter for ages he had 6 houses etc so as not to put her off but it seems to have impressed her father! What would worry me is that there would be an imbalance in the relationship. Mind you I earned 10x my husband so that imbalance was not an issue.

I would certainly encourage women to work full time even when they have babies as most of what has turned out well for me and the children has flowed from that. It gives you the ability to control your own destiny and the satisfaction of earning your own money and a stability and ability to provide for the children even if a man disappears or goes bankrupt.

Part of the reason financial dependency impacts more on women as the ones bearing children is precisely because we don't do very well at recognising the way wage earners depend on someone else to take care of their childcare responsibilities. If a couple split and the woman was SAHP or part time, she's more likely to be the primary carer and also to rely more on state support, even if just partial. People are much more likely to regard the mother who receives tax credits to help her work and house them as dependent than they are the man who receives no money from anywhere else and pays his own bills, but is responsible for his children much less than 50% of the time and pays less than half their costs.

Yes!

I was encouraged to marry whoever would have me! My parents had me late in life and feared dying before “seeing me settled.” I want my daughters to have partners who encourage and support them. I’m realistic enough to understand that’s easier to do with financial security.