Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you encourage your DD to marry someone rich?

271 replies

DixieDarling1 · 04/12/2018 20:12

I have a DD who is in her twenties, and two younger children, and have always encouraged DD to be in a relationship with someone who loves her, treats her well, and makes her happy.

I was on a night out at the weekend and talking to a friend of a friend who has 3 DDs in their twenties, and she was saying that she has always encouraged them to find a husband/partner who is wealthy, and has made it clear to them when they've had boyfriends who haven't made the cut that she isn't happy.

She is thrilled that the eldest of her DDs has recently married a man in his mid thirties who is very wealthy, and boasted all evening about it and about the house/car/lifestyle that her DD now has.

It just made me wonder really if this is a 'thing' and whether parents do encourage their daughters to marry someone rich, and should I be doing the same to my DDs?

OP posts:
LaDaronne · 05/12/2018 12:11

Meh. Hard work and ambition are overrated. I'd rather have a husband who earns enough to get by, loves his job but doesn't live for it, and is home for dinner with the kids every night.

GetOnWithLife · 05/12/2018 15:39

A mans not a plan.

I tell both my DDs that. I hope they earn their own money and any future partners do too.

DRE56322 · 05/12/2018 15:46

No. I would encourage my children (sons and daughters) to be able to support themselves and not rely on a spouse.

Noviceoftheweek · 05/12/2018 16:08

The thoughts of my DC being earmarked by some money grabbing social climber are really unpleasant. And sadly there are many people like that out there.

Xenia · 05/12/2018 16:10

No, just marry someone on a par with you tends to be best.

KellyanneConway · 05/12/2018 16:27

I encourage my DDs to earn their own money, have control over their own lives and to choose partners who respect them. Your friend is doing her daughters a disservice by encouraging them to be financially dependent on another person.

BertieBotts · 05/12/2018 16:34

My mum always went on about me marrying a millionaire, she encouraged me to word my dreams like that too - "When I marry a millionaire I'm going to have a hedge maze" kind of thing, rather than when I become a millionaire/make a million. Confused

It's only in retrospect I've noticed how weird that is. She has never criticised my boyfriends though. If anything she has been a bit too accepting of them treating me poorly (and they didn't have money, so she wasn't prioritising that).

TiddleTaddleTat · 05/12/2018 16:39

I'll tell my daughter to be independent and never rely on a man. Not for money or for anything else.

I know several women who have chosen men based on their earnings and are not very happy in their relationships.

I married a man without much money purely for love and while I have always earned a little more than him, we have the same values, interests, sense of humour etc.

I wouldn't change my decision in a heartbeat.

corythatwas · 05/12/2018 18:14

"not sure where you are going with that. Nothing wrong with modestly paid people, but we are talking about marrying someone, ideally spending your life with them, raising kids with the same values, dealing with in-laws. People tend to be much happier if they are with someone sharing the same background, ideas and values."

But why assume that every MN poster has background or values that preclude being married to a nurse or a builder?

Plenty of us come from that kind of background, plenty of us have values that are entirely compatible with marriage to a person who is honest and hardworking but not necessarily well paid.

TheBigBangRocks · 05/12/2018 19:12

The thoughts of my DC being earmarked by some money grabbing social climber are really unpleasant. And sadly there are many people like that out there

I know, it's sad and an indication of how society has become.

I want mine to have a partner that loves them and wants an equal, not a walking wallet where they can do as little as possible.

Given the other thread running currently, a good test is to not pay for everything on dates and see if the person returns for further dates.

theonlyKevin · 05/12/2018 19:53

But why assume that every MN poster has background or values that preclude being married to a nurse or a builder?

Not assuming anything, just answering the question why I would encourage my kids to not go with someone below them, financially as much as anything else.

If I want my kids to have an equal partner, it means I don't want them marrying someone poor.

BrightStarrySky · 05/12/2018 20:16

@theonlyKevin

What does “below them” mean to you? And what does “poor” mean to you?

Sparklesocks · 05/12/2018 20:24

Obviously if your ideal partner happens to be financially stable then that’s a great bonus, but it shouldn’t be the big reason you choose them. Yes life is easier when you’re comfortably financially, but you need more than money for a happy marriage.

OhTheRoses · 06/12/2018 06:33

Better to be poor and happy than rich snd miserable but if you are going to be miserable it's happier rich than poor.

To my ILs my family is wealthy. DH has made more than my family put together. When we met he lived in a dreadful shared flat and owned one pair of shoes and one suit. He was considering giving up his dream career. I loved him and cushioned him for a year and got him over the hump of the late payers.

My mother still thinks I married down; my MIL that he married up. It's all a lot of boilleaux really. All those young farmers and guards of my youth pale by comparison.

AnnabelleLecter · 06/12/2018 08:29

Ohtheroses
I know enough rich people, none of them are miserable!
Life's not perfect for anyone but with money can usually be improved somewhat.

KennDodd · 06/12/2018 09:06

Yes, great advice. Let's hope her daughters are models or beauty queens. Invest your money in boob jobs for them, don't waste it on education.

MaybeDoctor · 06/12/2018 09:48

I would always advise a young person not to marry someone who is bad with money or in an unreliable job, whereas if someone is a hard-worker and can hold down a regular job, albeit on a low income, at least you can budget and plan for the future together.

There have been a lot of threads on MN over the years where a woman in a steady job has married an artist, musician, actor or other creative type. He then neither brings in a salary, nor cares for the DC, as he has to sit around in his studio waiting for the muse to strike....Or be free to dash off to the other end of the country at the drop of a hat, because that is where the 'creative opportunities' are...
Don't get me wrong, the arts contribute a huge amount to society, but on an individual level they need to be combined with a steadier way of earning a living if someone is not to be a burden on their nearest and dearest.

Mrs Bennet is widely derided, but she has a window of just a few years to get five daughters married, with no possibility of them ever earning their own living. A couple of them might have ended up as governesses, but there was also a strong possibility that they might have ended up living in her brother's spare room and dependent on his charity for the rest of their lives...

KissedByFire · 06/12/2018 09:55

Depends on the man but if I was to generalise I'd say rich men tend to feel entitled and expect their wife to play a more traditional role in the home. And somehow feel grateful and thus obedient to her rich 'saviour'. Submissive even.

If anything I'd encourage my DD to aspire to be the breadwinner, to not be held back at all and enjoy economic freedom from a man. But she already sees this in our home, with DH playing a more domesticated role. He's expected to do the chores as I have a more demanding career. She even jokes that in our home the 'women rule' - and we both certainly prefer it that way! Wink

FishCanFly · 06/12/2018 10:12

Depends on the man but if I was to generalise I'd say rich men tend to feel entitled and expect their wife to play a more traditional role in the home. And somehow feel grateful and thus obedient to her rich 'saviour'. Submissive even.
This. Also they are very prone to cheating.

Oliversmumsarmy · 06/12/2018 13:01

Encourage your children to marry people who are hardworking with ambition.

That can be harder than it looks.

Namestheyareachangin · 06/12/2018 13:25

I would encourage my daughter to avoid relationships by and large. Women tend to give up too much within them and to be unhappy. But given finding a mate is a pretty basic human drive not to mention a huge social compulsion, if she did want to I'd tell her to make sure he was kind. All other good qualities tend to flow from that ime.

Aroundtheworldandback · 06/12/2018 14:57

My best friend’s mum made it clear my friend had to marry someone wealthy. She did, he is one of the wealthiest self made people in the country so you can imagine her lifestyle. But he’s arrogant and dictorial and she doesn’t feel nurtured.

I married someone who had no money at the time, but he was clearly very bright, along with kind and the sweetest personality. Although he isn’t exactly the same level financially as my friend’s dh we want for nothing and I am much more content than my friend.

Summery: I tell my dd in her 20’s to seek out someone kind and wise who she respects.

BagelGoesWalking · 06/12/2018 15:15

No, I try to teach teach DD19 to make her own career and to be independent. However, I've also said that money is important and it does create more stability and fewer worries if you have a regular pay check from both partners, especially when you have children. From my experience, It's not necessarily the amount of money, it's the stability (as much as that's possible today) of knowing what's coming in each month.

Runningishard · 06/12/2018 15:59

I’m encouraging my son to word hard for a career that makes him wealthy, and to chose a partner with a similar ambition for herself

Doddlemoose · 06/12/2018 16:00

I think similar attitudes to money, shared goals, relationship roles are probably important? It’s very hard to quantify in terms of figures and exact job titles though.

There’s also factors like early retirement, how much of a “couply social life” you want, whether you want to run two cars and live in the suburbs and go on week sun holidays

or be the academic/artsy couple in town with two bikes reading the Granuid and seeing lots of arthouse cinema and going camping, eating out regularly.....

Some people see a job as a vocation, as a challenge and a means to connect with other people of similar mindset and drive and challenge themselves, and others want the 9-5 and forget about it routine.

I think as long as you’re honest about what you REALLY want then it’s fine?

I mean there ARE men who quite like having the traditional set up with a wife who works less, just as there are women who want a SAHD or a less driven guy? So those people should connect with each other?

I actually think a lot of issues are caused by women and men settling for someone then trying to change them and becoming resentful as a result?