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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Would you encourage your DD to marry someone rich?

271 replies

DixieDarling1 · 04/12/2018 20:12

I have a DD who is in her twenties, and two younger children, and have always encouraged DD to be in a relationship with someone who loves her, treats her well, and makes her happy.

I was on a night out at the weekend and talking to a friend of a friend who has 3 DDs in their twenties, and she was saying that she has always encouraged them to find a husband/partner who is wealthy, and has made it clear to them when they've had boyfriends who haven't made the cut that she isn't happy.

She is thrilled that the eldest of her DDs has recently married a man in his mid thirties who is very wealthy, and boasted all evening about it and about the house/car/lifestyle that her DD now has.

It just made me wonder really if this is a 'thing' and whether parents do encourage their daughters to marry someone rich, and should I be doing the same to my DDs?

OP posts:

Babycham1979 · 05/12/2018 08:06

One of the many problems with raising a potential cuntlodger is that, once her looks inevitably fade, she'll be traded-in for another younger, prettier sponger. Why anyone would aspire to this for their daughters is beyond me.

It's nothing new, I suppose (see Jane Austen), but I do see it as a version of the current obsession of celebrity getting right quick culture. Laziness, entitlement and ignorance, basically.

Satsumaeater · 05/12/2018 08:06

Money buys you choices so it's certainly easier if you have plenty of it, but earning it can cause its own problems if you never see each other. Of course women can earn their own money but society still expects women to support their husband's careers rather than vice versa. And women are still discriminated against in the workplace because of having babies.

I do think there are women who are encouraged to do this (or deliberately set out to do it themselves). I have encountered a breed of SAHM who looks down on me as a working mum because they married well enough not to have to work and their husband can keep them in the way they want to be accustomed, so they see their marriage as more successful than mine.

Fairylea · 05/12/2018 08:11

I would hope dd marries someone that she loves, over wealth. But I would be worried for her long term stability if she married someone who didn’t have a regular income / long term goals- I wouldn’t voice these concerns however, and I recognise (as someone who is disabled with a disabled child) that sometimes life just doesn’t go to plan.

AmyDowdensLeftLeftShoe · 05/12/2018 08:22

@Satumaeater - well some of them will end up, up shit creek due to life events. My mother was brought up to expect a life like that and was widowed young. (If she hadn't been I would not exist.) In response to having no skills, she brought up all her children to be self-supporting. Funny thing is I have a SIL and a female friend who were also brought up by their parents to expect to get married and be supported by their spouse. Both managed to get degrees though it wasn't easy for them, they have successful careers and 2 children. Incidentally my SIL could have been a SAHM supported by my brother but she was given a work opportunity when she came back from her first maternity leave. My brother said he would support her and he did she now out earns him by a lot.

iLoveFoood · 05/12/2018 08:47

Umm yes well if I had the choice of course I'd pick a DP that was rich if it was as simple as that! Rather cry in a Ferrari than a punto and all that 😅

Annabel7 · 05/12/2018 09:02

My daughter (9 yrs) seems to be acquiring expensive tastes so I've told her she needs to earn a lot of money. I'd certainly discourage her to have a partner who struggles with financial independence but she can make her own wealth if that's what she desires. My son, however, has learning difficulties so my ambition for him would be to find a kind and wealthy partner to look after him when we're not around...

Missillusioned · 05/12/2018 09:11

The 'become rich through your own earnings' thing ignores the fact that it's almost impossible for anyone to do this. Comfortable yes, rich no.

Most properly rich people became that way
at least partly through inheritance and family help, which includes wealthy spouses.

Having said that, it is my experience that wealthy men upgrade their wives fairly regularly and often used expensive lawyers and offshore accounts to cut down on financial obligations after divorce, so no I wouldn't encourage my daughter to marry for money.

OutPinked · 05/12/2018 09:13

No, I would encourage them to work hard and become rich themselves if that was what they wanted. It’s the 21st century, I’d be upset to have a ‘kept woman’ as a daughter.

Birdie6 · 05/12/2018 09:22

I do have an adult DD who is married to a man who has a very good income. I didn't encourage her to marry , either for money or not, but I was happy to know that the man she loved was also financially stable. It has given her options in life - she does have a good career but she was able to decide what she wanted to do , take some time off when the children were young, go part time when she was studying etc.
If she'd been struggling with an unemployed / poorly paid spouse, she wouldn't have had those choices.

ToastedSandwichObsession · 05/12/2018 09:30

If my DD's plan works out then she will have a high earning potential herself to be comfortable. So in that sense yes I'd prefer it if she married equal to herself. If she happens to fall in love and marry someone with a much lower income then so be it but I'd expect her to have the common sense to look after her money so she remains independent. She doesn't want children anyway so she wouldn't need to factor in mat leaves.

AlaskanOilBaron · 05/12/2018 09:31

A better question might be, would you attempt to de-program your daughter's evolutionary instinct to seek a mate having lots of resources.

Pinkyyy · 05/12/2018 09:33

I find this really interesting, in my community it is quite normal to want your children to marry wealthy people. Their fiancé has to ask the father's permission to marry his daughter and if he doesn't think he will give her a good life then he will say no. I don't think any parent wants to see their child struggling for money, but then I suppose you don't have to be extremely rich to be comfortable.

Maddaddam · 05/12/2018 09:38

I have 3 teenage dds, and I encourage them to try to be financially independent so they will never need to depend on a man.

I also encourage them to expect a partner to share childcare and housework so they don't end up making all the financial sacrifices if they have children).

Oysterbabe · 05/12/2018 09:38

I will certainly encourage both DD and DS to choose someone with a strong work ethic but being rich is not important. DH isn't rich but had a reasonable job and income when we met and no debts, same as me.

In a previous relationship I ended up supporting him while he drifted around between shit jobs and it caused massive resentment on both sides.

BrightStarrySky · 05/12/2018 09:44

Just no!! Teach your DD to be financially independent and marry someone she loves, who is supportive of her dreams and ambitions, who will have a partnership with her. The worst advice is to look for money and I thought we’d moved beyond this.

theonlyKevin · 05/12/2018 09:49

Nothing wrong with not wanting to have a high profile career, wanting to stay home to take care of your children and rely on your husband to have a decent lifestyle.
That's the beauty of feminism, women have the choice. Being a SAHM with a wealthy husband is as commendable as being the CEO of a blue chip company.

As long as they understand that things can change, people divorce, get ill or die and they might have to take over at some point, no harm done.

It might be less about the money, but I would also encourage my sons to marry someone from a similar background and education.

BrightStarrySky · 05/12/2018 09:51

Also- marrying a person for who he or she is, and prioritising one’s ability to be self-supporting doesn’t mean marrying a loser. It means finding an equal partner who quite possibly could be as succesyin his or her own right. Some of the most miserable women I’ve known are ‘kept’ women.

AlaskanOilBaron · 05/12/2018 10:04

Until the reverse of your second paragraph is true (that men have a 'choice; to work or stay at home; it's as commendable to be a SAHD as the CEO of a blue chip) - then feminism as you describe it is entirely asymmetrical, and a bit of a joke.

IsThereRoomAtTheInn · 05/12/2018 10:08

Is being a sahp not compatible with feminism?

AlaskanOilBaron · 05/12/2018 10:12

Is being a sahp not compatible with feminism?

It really depends on the brand of feminism, and the length of SAHM-hood.

If you buy the modern version, where women have the choice to do what they want, the choice was what women were fighting for - then sure - no choice can be wrong, can it?

If you take a stricter view of feminism that actually addresses the issues underlying the gender earnings gap, for example, then no, I don't think this is compatible with long-term SAHM-hood.

Personally, I think the former version makes women look like clowns.

theonlyKevin · 05/12/2018 10:13

that men have a 'choice; to work or stay at home; it's as commendable to be a SAHD as the CEO of a blue chip

a man can become a stay-at-home dad, but the maternity leave is still reserved for women, so you can't exactly compare the 2! It's not quite the same if 2 parents are off at the same time, maternity leave AND stay-at-home dad.

Shame on you if you are one of these feminists who look down at SAHM though.

theonlyKevin · 05/12/2018 10:16

I think the former version makes women look like clowns.

women prioritising their children over their own career, oh dear.

Your attitude is exactly why feminists are looked down, the only way is their way, they are not fighting for women choices, they only want everybody to agree with them.

AlaskanOilBaron · 05/12/2018 10:18

Shame on you if you are one of these feminists who look down at SAHM though.

I don't. I am a SAHM.

madeyemoodysmum · 05/12/2018 10:18

If she loves him and he is also rich then it’s fine

AlaskanOilBaron · 05/12/2018 10:19

Shame on you for not reading my post more carefully, Kevin.

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