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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Are colleagues overreacting or what?

340 replies

halfwitpicker · 04/12/2018 19:19

In the staffroom at lunch today. I was stood waiting for the microwave and one of the guys said:

'You have a hole in your dress'
'Oh really? Where?' I said.
'Here' and he touched the skin where the 'hole' was.

Now this dress doesn't really have a hole. It has a zip, then a gap, then a button.

I was like, what? And one of the women in the office said, 'it's supposed to be like that, that's the way the dress is made' .

I had a serious Hmm Wtaf look on my face.

Upshot is I left the lunch room and my (female) colleagues all said that words need to be had with him regarding inappropriate touching.

What's the MN jury on this one? He does have form for being odd, not sure that's relevant.

My reaction was instinct though - I was very much Wtaf are you doing touching my back!

OP posts:
CaliHummers · 04/12/2018 21:40

I really don’t get it. Is this really how women think now? That everything is an attack

It really isn't the case that everything is either "Ok" or "an attack". There's a large grey area in between those two things and unfortunately the grey area can be exploited by people who want to, eventually, push right over the line.

I wouldn't have regarded this as an attack. I would not have liked it to happen. I don't want to be touched. And really it's very simple. Some people are OK with being touched. Some people hate it, and all points in between. But pretty much no-one minds spending the whole day at work without being touched. So the logical and safe option is just not to touch someone.

VictoryOrValhalla · 04/12/2018 21:41

I’d best watch I don’t accidentally brush against your skin whilst walking past you. Might find myself in trouble for sexual assault.

Or maybe you’ve just be asked to be more careful. Anyway, this was an accidental brush, this was a deliberate poke. Different things.

VictoryOrValhalla · 04/12/2018 21:42

wasnt an accidental brush

Nicknacky · 04/12/2018 21:43

victory You do know that other people can have a different opinion and that’s ok, don’t you?

Cherrysherbet · 04/12/2018 21:44

Such a non issue.

Avrannakern · 04/12/2018 21:45

If you don’t like being touched at all; even something innocent, random, meaningless... totally without any ill intent, then that’s your issue. Nothing wrong with saying “I don’t like being touched”. You have every right to not be touched if you don’t like it. But just say it. Don’t try to assign nefarious intent to every little touch, like this, which was harmless, not for pleasure, not for control. It was nothing. You might feel differently, but that doesn’t mean they are bad.

We can’t take everyday touches out of life, but if you have a particular aversion to it then you absolutely should speak up. But just keep in mind that no harm was intended; it’s just one of those things which is easily sorted out without labelling someone as an abuser or deviant.

VictoryOrValhalla · 04/12/2018 21:45

Sorry nick, I’m not following.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 04/12/2018 21:46

Where I work its not uncommon for some colleagues to occasionally give each other a hug. Two of the lads hug me saying hello and goodbye every time we work together. I think they see me as their work mum.

VictoryOrValhalla · 04/12/2018 21:47

That’s the point though Avran we don’t know either way whether it was innocent. You can say it was nothing but that doesn’t mean it was nothing. You have no idea what this guy intended by it.

Nicknacky · 04/12/2018 21:49

victory Because you are being so, so pushy in your opinion that the guy was up to something untoward and are trying to make this into something more sinister

RebelWitchFace · 04/12/2018 21:51

It wouldn't bother me, but that doesn't mean that it shouldn't bother anyone else.
I also don't agree that the time has passed to say anything. Telling him that it took you by surprise and didn't appreciate it is fine. It doesn't mean you're making a fuss ,just establishing your boundaries.

If you're really really not bothered about it, you can let it go, but I'd say be on your guard.

VictoryOrValhalla · 04/12/2018 21:56

Because you are being so, so pushy in your opinion that the guy was up to something untoward and are trying to make this into something more sinister

I really haven’t. I’ve suggested Op keep an eye on him, that her colleagues may know more than her as she is new, that she trust her gut, that she can still speak up after the event if she finds it inappropriate, that some creepy guys do things like this as a test, that I wouldn’t touch people the same way, that he didn’t attack her, and that we don’t know what his intention was.

He may have been trying it on. He may have had no ulterior motive at all. We don’t know. OP is entitled to protect herself.

dorisdog · 04/12/2018 21:58

I'm as #meetoo as you can get, but I think in this case an instant 'WTF' and 'stop touching me' is enough to make sure someone gets the point. Note it. If he does something else inappropriate then report.

dorisdog · 04/12/2018 22:02

...also echo the point others have made. In the moment it can be hard to know what to say. It's fine to bring it up later and say 'I wasn't comfortable with you touching me. Please don't do it again.' And move on. You don't have to manage his response or reaction. Say it, move to another topic. I've done this - it's surprisingly refreshing. If he tries to argue or delve into it, just repeat.

Avrannakern · 04/12/2018 22:04

I just can’t believe this. If I was standing and my colleague came and poked me in the back it just say hello, I’d say hello back and not even notice the prodding. It’s nothing.

No wonder we have such a hard time convincing men to listen to us. We take a serious issue like assault and equate it to being touched on the back for less than a second.

VictoryOrValhalla · 04/12/2018 22:07

Who has equated it to assault?

RebelWitchFace · 04/12/2018 22:08

@Avrannakern men don't listen because they don't want to. It's that simple.

It could be a completely innocent gesture, at worst socially awkward. It could not.

However intent doesn't mean that OP has to accept or be comfortable with it.

If she minds ,that's enough. If she doesn't,that's ok to.

Other people can't decide what an individual's boundaries or comfort zones are.

RubyPreciousJewel · 04/12/2018 22:09

He was touching you because touch can't see the back of your neck and he was just pointing out where it was specifically.

Avrannakern · 04/12/2018 22:11

The fact that someone has started a thread to discuss a touch on the back of their neck/between shoulder blades... I despair for where we are going. As if it needs to be discussed in the same vein as the horrendous stories brought to light by metoo

I am all for harsher punishments and zero tolerance for assault, coercion, abuse, emotional abuse, control, sexual extortion, harassment but if we can’t even do something like this without fear that someone will start a discussion about us?

If it happens a few times. If they find excuses to do it repeatedly. Then it’s something to discuss. But this?

Avrannakern · 04/12/2018 22:15

@RebelWitchFace

There is a difference between ‘generally inappropriate’ and one person having a preference.

I hate people reading over my shoulder. But that’s my issue. They aren’t being inappropriate. I couldn’t say “that’s not acceptable behaviour” just because it makes me uncomfortable. I need to accept that that is my person dislike and choice, and simply say “I don’t like that, please respect that opinion of mine and don’t do it”. But it’s not their fault.

Simple touches, random things like this which clearly have no ill intent, don’t meant anything... it’s nothing. If you just don’t ever want to be touched anywhere, then that’s fine... but it’s your hang up. It’s not their fault. Tell them not to do it but don’t cast them as the villain.

VictoryOrValhalla · 04/12/2018 22:17

I couldn’t say “that’s not acceptable behaviour”

You can about someone touching you. No-one gets to touch you if you don’t want them to. That’s your body. That’s your right.

VictoryOrValhalla · 04/12/2018 22:18

which clearly have no ill intent

That’s not known. You don’t know the intent so you can’t say there a was no I’ll intent.

FascinatingCarrot · 04/12/2018 22:19

I've read the first post a few times and I still dont understand the colleagues overreacting part of the title.
How are they overreacting? You were the one Wtaf? Hmm

Avrannakern · 04/12/2018 22:19

Well I do not want to live in a world where touching is outlawed. It’s an hysterical reaction. And I’d hate to live in a world where a man is ostrisized because he poked someone on the back. It’s nothing.

Avrannakern · 04/12/2018 22:20

I’m glad I’m not a man. If some people on here had their way, they’d all be in jail if they breathed on you.