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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Are colleagues overreacting or what?

340 replies

halfwitpicker · 04/12/2018 19:19

In the staffroom at lunch today. I was stood waiting for the microwave and one of the guys said:

'You have a hole in your dress'
'Oh really? Where?' I said.
'Here' and he touched the skin where the 'hole' was.

Now this dress doesn't really have a hole. It has a zip, then a gap, then a button.

I was like, what? And one of the women in the office said, 'it's supposed to be like that, that's the way the dress is made' .

I had a serious Hmm Wtaf look on my face.

Upshot is I left the lunch room and my (female) colleagues all said that words need to be had with him regarding inappropriate touching.

What's the MN jury on this one? He does have form for being odd, not sure that's relevant.

My reaction was instinct though - I was very much Wtaf are you doing touching my back!

OP posts:
HashTagLil · 04/12/2018 19:50

Get a bloody grip OP! Biscuit

keepingbees · 04/12/2018 19:54

If it was on your back you wouldn't have been able to see if he'd just pointed. What's the issue with him touching your back to show you? If it was on the front fair enough, but I can't see the issue Hmm

fruitbrewhaha · 04/12/2018 19:54

Of course it's inappropriate.

He knew there was no hole. It was a clumsy way to talk to you. And even if there was a hole, he didn't need to touch you. He could have pointed to where it was without touching you.

You wouldn't tell a man he had a hole in his shirt and poke your finger in where it was gaping in between the buttons.

He is a creep. I'd bring it up with him.

Original poster
halfwitpicker · 04/12/2018 19:54

Well this is it, hash tag lil, I wasn't bothered but everyone else was!

OP posts:
ILoveautumnleaves · 04/12/2018 19:55

Teeny Tiny Molehill >>>>>Enormous MEGA Mountain

You asked, he showed you. He touched your back/neck, not your foof.

CoolGirlsNeverGetAngry · 04/12/2018 19:55

Well, he didn’t need to touch her... use your words man! Idk why it would bother me- I guess I would feel uncomfortable if it was a man or a woman though. I remember once a woman I worked with checked the label of my dress to see where it was from (without asking me) and that made me really uncomfortable.

Palfrey1 · 04/12/2018 19:55

Gosh my male colleagues are way worse than this! Always grabbing and hugging - they are very tactile! Complete over reaction!!!

ragged · 04/12/2018 19:59

Colleagues can complain when it's their term to defend their personal space. Don't get dragged into their prejudices.

ragged · 04/12/2018 19:59

*turn

VictoryOrValhalla · 04/12/2018 20:02

I’d think he created an excuse to touch you tbh. Some men are creepy and they start off by doing these little tests to see who they can get away with touching. Keep an eye on him. See if he finds any other reasons to Be overly physical with you.

mummmy2017 · 04/12/2018 20:03

Deflect with humor if your female friends try to make more of this...
Tell them good job it wasn't one of the Xmas sweaters where your boob pokes out... With antlers and red nose nipple.

Mymomsbetterthanyomom · 04/12/2018 20:04

Here's what I'd do...
Walk up to him,poke his chest wear his buttons come together and say "you have a hole in your shirt".
I guarantee he will never touch you again.
He'll think you are weird, but he won't touch you again. ✌

VictoryOrValhalla · 04/12/2018 20:06

Walk up to him,poke his chest wear his buttons come together and say "you have a hole in your shirt".
I guarantee he will never touch you again.
He'll think you are weird, but he won't touch you again. ✌

Nah, if he’s the particular sort of creep in thinking of he’ll love that and use it as a green light to increase physical contact with OP.

HavelockVetinari · 04/12/2018 20:08

It was inappropriate to touch you but you really needed to say something at the time. I hate being touched and would've flinched automatically, it's actually embarrassing because I do it even when a female colleague touches my shoulder or similar. I just can't help it!

Original poster
halfwitpicker · 04/12/2018 20:09

It was inappropriate to touch you but you really needed to say something at the time.

^^

Agreed. BUT it is hard to react like that. We are conditioned to be polite

OP posts:
sweeneytoddsrazor · 04/12/2018 20:10

I couldn't get wound up over this and I know damn well my DP wouldn't have a clue that a dress was supposed to be like that so I certainly wouldn't think he was using it as an excuse to touch you. The first time my daughter wore one of those jumpers with the cut away shoulders he thought it was broken.

VictoryOrValhalla · 04/12/2018 20:11

No you can still say something now OP. You are allowed to speak up after the fact if you find something inappropriate.

silkpyjamasallday · 04/12/2018 20:11

Well I think there was absolutely no need for him to touch your skin, that is what makes it creepy, because most people would point without touching or say 'at the back of your neck'. No one would go up to a man and touch his skin through a hole in his top to show them it was there. Men are well known for engineering excuses to touch women.

No it isn't crime of the century, and luckily it didn't bother you OP, but for others it would, and your colleagues may be concerned he will push the boundaries with them too.

Bloomburger · 04/12/2018 20:12

Maybe he touched you because you wouldn't have seen him pointing to the top of your spine?

PermanentlyFrizzyHairBall · 04/12/2018 20:14

He sounds odd but harmless, you asked where the hole was he showed you, if it was your back (not your crotch or boobs) I don't see the issue.

Puggles123 · 04/12/2018 20:15

You did ask him where it was, I’m sure if it was somewhere awkward he wouldn’t have touched you. Would you feel the same if it had been a female colleague?

Nicknacky · 04/12/2018 20:15

I would touch a male colleague to show him where a hole or mark was if he couldn’t see it.

Let’s keep things in perspective.

68Anon · 04/12/2018 20:17

I couldn't get worked up over this. He was probably genuine when he thought your dress had a hole. He touched your back, what kicks do you think he got out out of touching your back with his finger tip?

strawberrypenguin · 04/12/2018 20:20

That really wouldn't bother me and I would have probably responded in the same way he did. You asked where so he showed you with a light touch.

I'm really struggling to see the problem here.

Feefeetrixabelle · 04/12/2018 20:21

Do you think he genuinely believed there was a hole or was he just using it as an excuse to touch you. If it was the first then it’s an innocent mistake if it’s the second I would ask someone senior to have a word with him about how such actions can be misconstrued

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