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AIBU?

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Original poster

Are colleagues overreacting or what?

340 replies

halfwitpicker · 04/12/2018 19:19

In the staffroom at lunch today. I was stood waiting for the microwave and one of the guys said:

'You have a hole in your dress'
'Oh really? Where?' I said.
'Here' and he touched the skin where the 'hole' was.

Now this dress doesn't really have a hole. It has a zip, then a gap, then a button.

I was like, what? And one of the women in the office said, 'it's supposed to be like that, that's the way the dress is made' .

I had a serious Hmm Wtaf look on my face.

Upshot is I left the lunch room and my (female) colleagues all said that words need to be had with him regarding inappropriate touching.

What's the MN jury on this one? He does have form for being odd, not sure that's relevant.

My reaction was instinct though - I was very much Wtaf are you doing touching my back!

OP posts:
Original poster
halfwitpicker · 04/12/2018 20:23

Do you think he genuinely believed there was a hole or was he just using it as an excuse to touch you.^^

No idea.

But if someone says you've got a hole in your clothes, I don't think it's odd to ask where?

I think he could have just pointed, rather than touching.

OP posts:
LostInShoebiz · 04/12/2018 20:25

Given the non hole is on the back, would you have seen it if he just pointed. Maybe he touched you so you could feel where the hole was. Not ideal in an office but if you’re gut is saying he was just being helpful then believe it.

LostwithSawyer · 04/12/2018 20:26

Not seeing the issue here??? You asked where he showed you. Done.

shirleyschmidt · 04/12/2018 20:27

Assuming he's not known as the office pervert I don't think it sounds a big deal, especially if it WAS only a point. If you weren't bothered that's what matters - my advice would be don't let other people make you feel violated/offended over nothing.

loobylou10 · 04/12/2018 20:27

Total non issue.

Original poster
halfwitpicker · 04/12/2018 20:28

Well, everyone is making a fuss of it in the office (who witnessed it)

Personally I think it's an overreaction, but there you go!

OP posts:
BlimeyCalmDown · 04/12/2018 20:33

Lesson learned; when someone says you have a hole, don't ask where!?

BruegelTheEIder · 04/12/2018 20:33

If the dress is as described then it clearly wouldn't look like a "damage" hole. So yes, I would say he was being creepy.

Nicknacky · 04/12/2018 20:34

But if he pointed, how would you know where it was? That’s probably why he put a finger on it.

Ilovealexa · 04/12/2018 20:34

Sounds like he was trying to be funny

bringbackthestripes · 04/12/2018 20:34

What's the MN jury on this one? He does have form for being odd, not sure that's relevant.
It is relevant if he is an awkward / impulsive bloke in general. did he touch you sexually? Inappropriately?

It sounds like he saw a gap, touched the gap, said there was a hole.
Personally I would think top of the neck was a bit odd but with the comments maybe misguided but Ok ish and nothing sinister. Certainly nothing sexual.
-I’m still shuddering that as an 8 year old female I stood up whilst my classmate was giving a speech and picked a thread off her top because, you know, it was there, and not only did she stop talking and look back at me but the class teacher spoke to me afterwards-
Being impulsive (ASd/adhd) can be fraught with difficulties, maybe speak to HR

Bluntness100 · 04/12/2018 20:38

I guess if you'd asked a woman and she touched where rhe hole was you wouldn't react the same?

Of course you could be so desirable he was just gagging to touch the top of your spine, or he could just have been responding to your question on where.

Your call on which it is.

LanaorAna2 · 04/12/2018 20:39

Women have done this to me - I thought they were invasive and rude. Makes you jump. No one criticises my officewear - I am extremely well dressed, as it happens Grin

That bloke was either a twat or a twat trying it on. Would he have done it to the 70-yr old chairman with a ripped shirt?

Thought not.

VictoryOrValhalla · 04/12/2018 20:39

Well, everyone is making a fuss of it in the office (who witnessed it)

Are you newer to the job than those people? Could they have known him for longer and seen him do this before so are trying to get you to make a fuss without actually spelling out their concern?

PepsiLola · 04/12/2018 20:40

I don't think poking your back/neck is inappropriate

VictoryOrValhalla · 04/12/2018 20:41

Btw if someone asked me where the hole In their dress was I would say “right below the button at the back” and maybe point. It wouldn’t come naturally for me to touch them. It’s possible to show where it is without touching.

BruegelTheEIder · 04/12/2018 20:41

A 3-inch gap between the top of a zip and a button, hemmed and with no signs of damage, is quite clearly not a hole that needs to be pointed out to a woman. I'm guessing nobody else has ever felt the need to tell OP she has a hole in her dress!

So the options are

a) he's not all there and thought the hole was a rip or something
b) wheas trying to be funny
c) he was trying to "flirt", aka behaving inappropriately

smithsinarazz · 04/12/2018 20:43

He sounds like a divvy, tbh - the sort of guy who shouts "you've forgotten something!" at women in a long top, leggings and no skirt,and thinks he's made an earth-shatteringly witty comment. I think an eye-roll would have been sufficient.

BruegelTheEIder · 04/12/2018 20:43

OP I would definitely listen to the reaction of the people in the office who know him and were there, over the strangers on the internet who do not know him and were not there.

bringbackthestripes · 04/12/2018 20:43

wasn't bothered but everyone else was!

It was inappropriate to touch you but you really needed to say something at the time.

Agreed. BUT it is hard to react like that. We are conditioned to be polite

Well, everyone is making a fuss of it in the office (who witnessed it)Personally I think it's an overreaction, but there you go!

If you weren’t bothered and it’s just everyone else making a fuss Why post?

cariadlet · 04/12/2018 20:43

He thought there was a hole. You asked where. He showed you. I don't know what your colleagues are making a fuss over.

He does have form for being odd, not sure that's relevant.
As you have said "odd" rather than "creepy" I'd guess that he might have ADHD or ASD or just be a bit socially awkward and not clued up on social conventions, lacking awareness of other people's boundaries etc.

Lots of women suffer genuine harassment, but when people get their knickers in a twist over trivial things like this then it can be misused by reactionary idiots to dismiss the real problem as an oversensitive reaction to friendly banter.

recovery18 · 04/12/2018 20:44

Complete non event

Tjzmummabear · 04/12/2018 20:48

he seems a bit weird avoid!

VictoryOrValhalla · 04/12/2018 20:50

I remember when I started in my first job (I was 17) and one colleague appeared to be very interested in me, asking lots about me etc and I just thought she was being friendly to the new girl. Then one day another colleague sidled up to me in a storage room and said I should maybe be careful about giving too much information out about myself. I was baffled and asked what she meant. She named the other colleague and asked if I noticed that she (nosey colleague) didn’t offer anything about herself but always asked me lots of things. It was all one way. And that I should just be careful. I thought she was just jealous of someone being nice to me. I was wrong. She was warning me. Nosey colleague turned out to be a really nasty piece of work, very charming but kept everything you said to use against you at a later date. She was really horrible.

Angiemum24 · 04/12/2018 20:54

Be very careful. Is this guy a known ‘creep’ or was he genuine?
You could easily ruin a innocent mans life.