Are colleagues overreacting or what?

[halfwitpicker]

In the staffroom at lunch today. I was stood waiting for the microwave and one of the guys said:

'You have a hole in your dress'
'Oh really? Where?' I said.
'Here' and he touched the skin where the 'hole' was.

Now this dress doesn't really have a hole. It has a zip, then a gap, then a button.

I was like, what? And one of the women in the office said, 'it's supposed to be like that, that's the way the dress is made' .

I had a serious Wtaf look on my face.

Upshot is I left the lunch room and my (female) colleagues all said that words need to be had with him regarding inappropriate touching.

What's the MN jury on this one? He does have form for being odd, not sure that's relevant.

My reaction was instinct though - I was very much Wtaf are you doing touching my back!

Well, everyone is making a fuss of it in the office (who witnessed it)

Are you newer to the job than those people? Could they have known him for longer and seen him do this before so are trying to get you to make a fuss without actually spelling out their concern?

^
Yes I'm new to the job. I get the impression that there's a history around this.

If you weren’t bothered and it’s just everyone else making a fuss Why post?

^^
Er, because I want to know if it's me that's unreasonable?

A 3-inch gap between the top of a zip and a button, hemmed and with no signs of damage, is quite clearly not a hole that needs to be pointed out to a woman. I'm guessing nobody else has ever felt the need to tell OP she has a hole in her dress!

^^

No-one ever mentioned it before, no.

Op, just forget about it.

You could easily ruin a innocent mans life.

By asking him not to touch her?

What do you mean innocent? She hasn’t accused him of sexually assaulting her. He touched her, that isn’t in question. She is well within her rights to say “please don’t do that again”.

Yes I'm new to the job. I get the impression that there's a history around this.

Follow your gut.

it is possible he has asd and cannot read social situations, giving him the benefit of the doubt. there are posters on here on a witch hunt who are assuming all sorts and weren't even there !
i would keep an eye on him in future and if there was a problem tell him that he wasn't to do what he was doing. if he is asd he would be bewildered, if he is a creep he's laugh it off and probably make a sexist comment. i have an aspie son so am familiar with these things.

Good advice as she said earlier she wasn’t bothered or worried about it.

Yes your colleagues are over-reacting. Don’t start getting offended by something that didn’t bother you just because others tell you to. He momentarily touched your neck to point out something you asked him to indicate, what a total non event.

Well, everyone is making a fuss of it in the office (who witnessed it)

Then the office gossips need to get a life.

Creepy and inappropriate. He didn't think you had a hole in your dress, he was making a weak dress, after looking a little too closely at you by the way, and then touched you without your consent.

*a weak JOKE

If I was asked to point out a tear in someone’s clothes I wouldn’t stick my finger in it. It’s odd behaviour.

Don't make this into something it isn't.
The atmosphere on staff rooms can be overly dramatic at times - speaking from experience here - you haven't been here long enough to fully know the background to your colleagues' reaction, so just leave it.

Maybe he touched you because you wouldn't have seen him pointing to the top of your spine?

We've named every millimetre of the human body inside and out. He can say "at the top of the zip, just where your back meets your neck". I'm assuming he's not pre-verbal since he commented that the hole was there in the first place so it's not a question of either pointing or touching.

I hate being touched without consent and it would annoy me greatly. Whether or not it's worth making a thing about it depends a lot on the context.

I really don’t get it. Is this really how women think now? That everything is an attack.

I’ve akways been friends with colleagues, something like this would be a non-event. Nothing happened.

It’s different if there is a history if touchy behaviour, or of being inappropriate if I it had been on a more intimate area of your body. But this really is a non event and if you make a big desk out of someone giving a quick prod to the back of your neck then no one is going to take you seriously if something actually inappropriate happens.

Ignore the male apologists.

He shouldn't have touched you.

Put it on #metoo and book yourself some counselling.

Is this really how women think now? That everything is an attack.

Who said it was an attack? people have said it is inappropriate.

Is this really how women think now? That everything is an attack

Touching my bare skin without my consent IS an attack.

It might be done quietly and even with polite words, but it's still an attack.

in some respects it would be useful if he was proven to be aspie because it would teach some of the drama queens in your office and on here not to be so judgy.
i worry for my son going through life possibly having to deal with this type of shit, he has been brought up to respect people esp. women and girls but even so he gets it wrong sometimes.

*I really don’t get it. Is this really how women think now? That everything is an attack.

I’ve akways been friends with colleagues, something like this would be a non-event. Nothing happened.

It’s different if there is a history if touchy behaviour, or of being inappropriate if I it had been on a more intimate area of your body. But this really is a non event and if you make a big desk out of someone giving a quick prod to the back of your neck then no one is going to take you seriously if something actually inappropriate happens.*

^ This. Jesus Christ I'm glad I don't work with you. I work with two male colleagues, am often touched by them or touch them myself in the course of a workday and can't imagine being this weird about a perfectly normal non event. The 3 of us actually changed in the office together once when running very very late for the Xmas party. Now if they'd been poking me then, I would agree it's creepy but you were fully clothed, in the presence of others and it was a totally normal thing to do. Men can't seem to do right on here lately.

op wasn't bothered about it, the other women witnesses have blown it up. some women are their own worst enemies nowadays.

So you’d never touch someone’s arm whilst chatting to emphasises a point or offer condolences or express surprise?

You’d never pat someone in the arm/back if they’ve made a silly comment and you do the silly “there, there”.

He was pointing out a hole. He might have been making a stupid joke or actually thought it was a hole. It wasn’t a funny joke, but it wasn’t assault.

I’d best watch I don’t accidentally brush against your skin whilst walking past you. Might find myself in trouble for sexual assault.

Does he have special social needs? Or maybe he just thought it genuinely was a hole?
If it was on your bum, wrong, on your back... probably a lapse of judgement

So you’d never touch someone’s arm whilst chatting to emphasises a point or offer condolences or express surprise?

A friend, who I’ve known for ages, yes, if offer a hug if they’re upset or to offer condolences. To emphasise a point? No I don’t generally invade people ‘s personal space. I can use words effectively certainly not with a new colleague!

He was pointing out a hole.

No he was putting his finger in it.