Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Are colleagues overreacting or what?

340 replies

halfwitpicker · 04/12/2018 19:19

In the staffroom at lunch today. I was stood waiting for the microwave and one of the guys said:

'You have a hole in your dress'
'Oh really? Where?' I said.
'Here' and he touched the skin where the 'hole' was.

Now this dress doesn't really have a hole. It has a zip, then a gap, then a button.

I was like, what? And one of the women in the office said, 'it's supposed to be like that, that's the way the dress is made' .

I had a serious Hmm Wtaf look on my face.

Upshot is I left the lunch room and my (female) colleagues all said that words need to be had with him regarding inappropriate touching.

What's the MN jury on this one? He does have form for being odd, not sure that's relevant.

My reaction was instinct though - I was very much Wtaf are you doing touching my back!

OP posts:
Pashal2 · 05/12/2018 21:37

Op is using her co workers to aid her in saying she was assaulted by someone she doesn't like at work. "Because he's odd'. Define odd, odd because he doesn't have a girlfriend? Odd because he's gay? Odd because he doesn't butter his bread? Now she's "fishing" ( looking, seeking, desiring confirmation) from Co workers and mn that she was assaulted nor wronged Because he pointed out what looked like a hole in her clothing after she solicited to know where said hole was. I hope that clarifies

VictoryOrValhalla · 05/12/2018 21:41

Op is using her co workers to aid her in saying she was assaulted by someone she doesn't like at work.

Well that’s just complete fiction that is!

RebelWitchFace · 05/12/2018 22:10

@Pashal2 you completely made that up. The colleagues started the whole thing. She had a WTF feeling which is ok to have. The colleagues reported it. She just confirmed that she was uncomfortable. She's not a one woman "burn the weirdo" band!
I don't get what you have to gain by rewriting the story and making her appear some kind of vengeful,horrible woman,

Pashal2 · 05/12/2018 22:14

No more fiction than this is sexual assault. No more no less.... that is.

Pashal2 · 05/12/2018 22:24

Funny how you left out her judgment of him being"odd" doesn't that paint him negatively? Why does she need a consensus from co-workers and mn if she was so wronged? Then the story changes From he poked the hole to he stroked the area. What is that? Stop projecting that she's being made to look like a vengeful horrible anything. If someone did that to you in your past, then speak on it. Also I doubt her and the odd guy are besties having lunch together every day. Do you? I wonder if this scenario played out with a female would the offense be perceived the same way. Unwanted contact is unwanted contact

TigerTooth · 05/12/2018 22:30

oh ffs - he thought there was a hole, you asked where the hole was, it wasn't in an inappropriate place so he touched your neck to show you where the perceived hole was.

Please don't make an issue where there isn't one, it's really damaging for genuine cases of abuse and inappropriate touching or comments.

VictoryOrValhalla · 05/12/2018 22:43

No more fiction than this is sexual assault

So total fiction then! Because no-one has said that. Because it isn’t!

acegod · 05/12/2018 23:02

Hmm. You both have good points you did ask where. So you got a response if you didn't ask then that would have been sexual harassment. So at this point you cant take it further if you have a quiet word now it may escalate. You should have said something like you don't like to be touched at the time. But legally in court it won't stand and the police will laugh it off as from their point it would be instigation from your side as you asked. But similar he would just get a slap from the police so it won't go anywhere. The best thing is ignore him in the future and ask a female college to confirm what he is saying. Get a shower too be might have something !!!

Bluntness100 · 05/12/2018 23:07

I think this reflects the worst of office life and sadly it's often women who are the culprits,

Pick someone you don't like, gang up on them. Bully them and then turn something as silly as a poke into an opportunity to get them.

Then you get folks like the op. Pick your tribe, join with rhe bullies or the bullied, if you join with the bullied you risk you too being ostracised. So you join the bullies and fuck rhe bullied over,

I'd bet a months salary he wasn't Standing there stroking you, but you know rhe score, rhe bullies are going for it, and you'll support them in a bid to be the popular new girl.

Just be careful op. Karma is a bitch.

VictoryOrValhalla · 05/12/2018 23:09

But legally in court it won't stand and the police will laugh it off as from their point it would be instigation from your side as you asked. But similar he would just get a slap from the police so it won't go anywhere.

Police? Court? Confused

BlueJag · 05/12/2018 23:23

Gosh it's a none issue. I really worry about how to educate my son no to say anything, not to touch anything and to approach any women with extreme caution just in case they accuse him of something.

Bluntness100 · 05/12/2018 23:24

It's not going to police or court unless the man reports it for bullying in the workplace.

VictoryOrValhalla · 05/12/2018 23:28

“Please don’t touch me again”

“Oh my god you’re bullying me! I’m reporting this to the police!”

Hmm
shirleyschmidt · 06/12/2018 00:00

"Please don't touch me again" hasn't been said, that's the point. That's exactly what should have happened though.

VictoryOrValhalla · 06/12/2018 00:13

if the management speak to I him that’s what they'll say. They won’t be threatening him with police or court. They’ll say, “X raised this issue, if you wouldn’t mind not being so tactile with colleagues, not everyone is comfortable with it. Thanks” or thereabouts. That’s not bullying. Nor is speaking to your manager about something that makes you uncomfortable at work.

shirleyschmidt · 06/12/2018 00:43

Agree that dialogue would be very easy and civil. Makes it all the more strange that OP doesn't just do that, without involvement from the two colleagues who are so wounded on her behalf.

Whether any formal action is ultimately taken, we all know how office gossip can spread and, given that OP still isn't sure there was any ill-intent, I think it is unfortunate he wasn't given the benefit of a discreet chat face to face before involving company management.

StoppinBy · 06/12/2018 01:01

@supercaliwotsit If one of my workmates gave me a shoulder rub I would probably ask if he wouldn't mind doing my neck while he was there - it will save me paying for a massage to get the kink out of my neck that I have at the moment. Haha

So many over reactions it's ridonkulous.

Blueink · 06/12/2018 01:25

It comes down to intent if it was an excuse to touch you or not. You didn’t feel uncomfortable at the time, so didn’t say anything. Maybe the other women have a context for it that’s genuine concern or maybe not. They were the ones who were uncomfortable with the situation and could have spoken to him directly at the time or afterwards and they still can.

Bluntness100 · 06/12/2018 06:44

“Please don’t touch me again”“Oh my god you’re bullying me! I’m reporting this to the police!”

You need to read the thread, three people have now lodged a complaint against this man due to him responding to her question of where by poking his finger briefly into the space he though thr hole was. She's now turned it onto he was intimately stroking her.

It's workplace bullying. The reaction is so excessive it's nothing other than workplace bullying.

PicturesJane · 06/12/2018 06:45

No touching in the office simple. If you could bring yourself to have a quiet word something like .. “just a friendly word but you touched me yesterday and I didn’t appreciate it ... very few women would appreciate so best not to chance it”

Hisaishi · 06/12/2018 06:56

If one of my workmates gave me a shoulder rub I would probably ask if he wouldn't mind doing my neck while he was there - it will save me paying for a massage to get the kink out of my neck that I have at the moment. Haha

Hahaha lol the constant sexual harassment of women is so hilarious.

Morgan12 · 06/12/2018 07:14

Your colleague sounds like a complete drama queen. She couldn't sleep because someone she works with back was touched? For crying out loud! Her FIL playfully grabbed her 4yo bum. Holy Jesus! Who will play her in the movie?

gamerwidow · 06/12/2018 07:22

Impossible to say really without being there. On the surface it could be harmless but to be fair that’s how men get away with doing creepy shit. Something like this is never out there enough to make you shout about it immediately but makes you feel uncomfortable and question yourself later.
From what you said I’m leaning towards creepy, your dress obviously didn’t have a hole and he used the incident as an excuse to touch you inappropriately. Annoying thing is, he did the wrong thing but you’re getting the grief for worrying about it.

Monkeynuts18 · 06/12/2018 07:54

He shouldn’t have touched you. He could have described it or he could have pointed. Also I know the type of dress you mean. One of my female colleagues has one. Sometimes from a few yards away I think she hasn’t done up her dress but from close up it’s blindingly obvious it’s designed like that, so he knew.

Also, this kind of thing can be a pattern of behaviour. I have a senior colleague who was well-known for finding any excuse to touch women. Dancing at the Christmas party, squeezing past at the tea point or the photocopier, pointing out stains or rips on clothes, touching you to get your attention... but he’s not stupid, because each and every incident in isolation sounds like nothing, and women like the OP are reluctant to complain about the incident in isolation in case they get the sort of reaction the OP has here.

Fortunately, enough women did eventually complain that he was ultimately disciplined for it.

Hisaishi · 06/12/2018 07:59

I don't think it's a good idea to use words like 'drama queen' when disucssing such matters. Disagreeing is one thing, but dismissing other's concerns is something else.

"Her FIL playfully grabbed her 4yo bum." - I mean...I also wouldn't be ok with that. Surely it depends on the relationship, but my FIL has never/would never grab my daughter's bum. My grandmother (to whom I was not at all close) did the same to me when I was 6/7 and I felt sick and uneasy. I still remember it 30 years later. That's not a feeling you need to make a child feel.

It all depends on intent and consent, surely.