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AIBU?

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Original poster

Are colleagues overreacting or what?

340 replies

halfwitpicker · 04/12/2018 19:19

In the staffroom at lunch today. I was stood waiting for the microwave and one of the guys said:

'You have a hole in your dress'
'Oh really? Where?' I said.
'Here' and he touched the skin where the 'hole' was.

Now this dress doesn't really have a hole. It has a zip, then a gap, then a button.

I was like, what? And one of the women in the office said, 'it's supposed to be like that, that's the way the dress is made' .

I had a serious Hmm Wtaf look on my face.

Upshot is I left the lunch room and my (female) colleagues all said that words need to be had with him regarding inappropriate touching.

What's the MN jury on this one? He does have form for being odd, not sure that's relevant.

My reaction was instinct though - I was very much Wtaf are you doing touching my back!

OP posts:
PanGalaticGargleBlaster · 05/12/2018 11:28

shock are you ok with that

She made contact with the small of by back for about a second, not shoving her fingers up my arse. She had booked the meeting room and my meeting had overrun a few minutes and she was holding the door open and jokingly ‘shooing’ people through the door so she could start her meeting, I was the last person out and she put her palm on my back. I did not feel violated, belittled, sexually assaulted or my independence as an adult threatened.

PanGalaticGargleBlaster · 05/12/2018 11:54

Why do you get to decide what is appropriate?

I don’t, I like most adults, take my social cues and protocols from the wider environment and I like to think I have enough emotional and social intelligence to read a situation to know whether either my, or someone else’s behaviour is appropriate or not.

I am a freelance consultant and have worked in dozens if not hundreds of different office environments and non intimate touching is fairly normal between work colleagues. If you are the one entering the work place expecting an absolute no touching rule then you are going to find life difficult.

Like it or not, there is a history of men imposing their physicality on women. This, in turn, means that there is a different interaction at play when a man touches a woman compared to when a woman touches someone

A man touching a women’s neck with the end of his finger is hardly ‘imposing himself physically’, the whole episode has been blown way out of proportion. Yes, their are some men out their who abuse their seniority of position or inappropriately invade personal space to make women subordinates or coworkers uncomfortable. They are arseholes for doing so. Finally, like it or not there is a history of some women imposing themselves physically as well. I have had plenty of inappropriate ‘passes’ made at me in the work place, mostly from 40 something women when I was a young not terribly confident graduate who was too afraid to make a scene by calling out the behaviour.

shirleyschmidt · 05/12/2018 12:18

As an outsider it reads like OP has been more manipulated by the other women in the office than the bloke.

I understand not wanting to be touched but the events since are out of proportion to the 'crime'. Just say something to him at the time, or afterwards. If it reoccurs, make more of it. There's no justification for feeding office drama when you're not even certain he had sinister motives.

VictoryOrValhalla · 05/12/2018 12:22

She made contact with the small of by back for about a second,

Yes and again, are you ok with that? I wouldn’t be ok with what you describe.

VictoryOrValhalla · 05/12/2018 12:25

A man touching a women’s neck with the end of his finger is hardly ‘imposing himself physically’

Umm, that’s exactly what it is. He physically (with his finger) imposed on not just her personal space but her actual body. It is not as large an imposition as a penis rubbing against her backside, but it is definitely a physical imposition.

VictoryOrValhalla · 05/12/2018 12:26

or inappropriately invade personal space to make women subordinates or coworkers uncomfortable.

Exactly

VictoryOrValhalla · 05/12/2018 12:28

like it or not there is a history of some women imposing themselves physically as well.

Of course there are. However this was a man so we’re discussing men doing it.

was too afraid to make a scene by calling out the behaviour.

Perhaps because you knew people would say you were blowing it all out of proportion?

Madieracake · 05/12/2018 12:44

I haven't read all the posts but seriously the world has gone mad. Any opportunity that we get to accuse or blow an act out of all proportion now seems to be the norm. Sad and scary. I honestly don't think I would have given the situation a second thought.

PanGalaticGargleBlaster · 05/12/2018 12:51

Perhaps because you knew people would say you were blowing it all out of proportion

No, because she was my line manager and I was a new graduate with my career very much in her hands. Plus there were no witnesses and at the time (20 years ago) the climate was that it was something that that was at best amusing to others and a worse something I should just suck up. From what I understand in the OPs case he was not her senior with all the power dynamics which go with that and finally I fail to see how a senior women in my office grabbing my groin uninvited is on par with a man momentarily touching a women’s neck with his finger after he had been asked to point out a hole in her garment.

NaturalBornWoman · 05/12/2018 13:10

Sad and scary. I honestly don't think I would have given the situation a second thought.

What I think is sad and scary is the number of women on this thread who think it's ok. It means that it won't change soon.

VictoryOrValhalla · 05/12/2018 15:31

No, because she was my line manager and I was a new graduate with my career very much in her hands

Ok so OP isn’t new to this company, she has no idea of the dynamic in this place and whether it would be well received if she spoke out. So she didn’t, not until others did it for her.

Plus there were no witnesses

Well OP has witnesses who all believed it was innappropriate to the extent they spoke to management.

the climate was that it was something that that was at best amusing to others and a worse something I should just suck up.

So much the same as many of the responses on this thread. OP should just suck it up and get over herself. Someone even called her a loon.

I fail to see how a senior women in my office grabbing my groin uninvited is on par with a man momentarily touching a women’s neck with his finger after he had been asked to point out a hole in her garment.

It’s not on par. But you didn’t say that was what had happened in your previous post, did you?

BobLemon · 05/12/2018 17:32

I have a dress like this!!!

It would defo be weird/creepy for someone to touch you though the gap Envy

Mrspiggy456 · 05/12/2018 17:38

If an instant reaction is Wtaf then it can't be right. A while ago I might have thought you were over reacting, however I've recently had a boss at work that was like this. I like to generally see the best in everyone and this man was like it with all members of staff, so i didn't think it could be inappropriate. If it happens to everyone, out in the open, then surely it's ok right? Obviously it's not! The odd brush on the arm or leg as they walk past you start to think maybe they don't realise they're doing it. He finally got sacked after being caught on the CCTV bending over and secretly taking pics on his phone up a customers skirt!! No joke!
Not saying everyone's like this, but I'm saying to trust your gut. If it feels wrong then it is wrong.

lily2403 · 05/12/2018 17:46

Totally overreacting

Bluewidow · 05/12/2018 17:51

If your instant reaction was wtaf then why is the thread title
Asking if your work colleagues are overreacting? Did it just shock
You that he touched you and then that has been escalated by your work colleagues.
I don’t really see the problem, you asked him to show you and he probably just instinctively touched you. It was in you back not a place I could get wound up about.

Nearly47 · 05/12/2018 17:58

A colleague once gave me a hug so tight that my boobs hurt. He was my friend and quite young so I had words with him. He understood and never repeated. I think he had different boundaries with uni friends that don't translate well work environment. I think what happened to you was quite innocent specially if didn't feel weird. I think most of us can tell when men are " taking advantage". It is quite instinctive.

rainbowbear10 · 05/12/2018 18:04

I think he may be innocent he might honestly thought there was something wrong with your dress and it's your workmates that are over reacting making you think it's sexual harassment

Bugbabe1970 · 05/12/2018 18:12

If you were offended at the time then you should have said so
Sounds like your colleague was more offended than you were

Sarahrellyboo1987 · 05/12/2018 18:15

This is just ridiculous. Today a male colleague told me “you look nice”. I said thank you very much and smiled.
I didn’t report him to HR!!
The world is filling with ridiculous snowflakes who have no idea what it’s actually like to be sexually harassed or assaulted.

Supercaliwotsit · 05/12/2018 18:25

A very similar thing happened to me a few years ago. This is completely inappropriate in the modern workplace! I’m so angry on your behalf. Why should you be made to feel icky and upset. This is gross. Report him to the highest superior and demand he be disciplined or sacked. So long as people regard this as ok, or an overreaction if you’re upset or complain, it’s saying it’s perfectly ok for someone to do this. It’s not.

Callaghan777 · 05/12/2018 18:27

Wow what a state we women have got ourselves in! I am all for the MeToo campaign where serious assaults have occurred but this reaction is OTT and just going to make us look stupid.

InsomniacAnonymous · 05/12/2018 18:28

Supercaliwotsit You think he deserves to lose his job?

PanGalaticGargleBlaster · 05/12/2018 18:32

Report him to the highest superior and demand he be disciplined or sacked.

Okay, this thread has now jumped the shark

JimCricket · 05/12/2018 18:34

I don’t like being ‘surprise touched’ by people but I think he meant no harm by it. Let it go

Nicknacky · 05/12/2018 18:37

Sacked 😂