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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave DD16 home alone a couple of nights a week?

154 replies

SomewhereNow · 04/12/2018 14:27

She’s completely happy with it, I’m 20 mins away and we’re in touch on and off the whole time I’m not there. Sometimes she stays by herself, sometimes her boyfriend stays over (his parents are fully aware and he also stays when I’m there). Her dad is 10 mins away and in a real emergency there are several close neighbours she could call on. She’s very mature and sensible but I’m slightly worried I’m taking advantage of this. AIBU and a rubbish parent or is this fine at her age?

OP posts:
BigSandyBalls2015 · 04/12/2018 14:28

Absolutely fine at 16. Particularly with so many people nearby if they're needed.

MirandaWest · 04/12/2018 14:28

Do you mean she’s along overnight or alone in the evening?

empmalswa · 04/12/2018 14:28

Absolutely fine under those circumstances

Mondaytired · 04/12/2018 14:30

Fine as far as I’m concerned! As long as she is happy with it! Do you work nights or similar?

SheDoneAlreadyDoneHadHerses · 04/12/2018 14:32

I do it with my son once or twice a week. His man is round the corner and I’m 30 mins away for a mega emergency.
He loves the freedom and responsibility.

arethereanyleftatall · 04/12/2018 14:33

Since she could live on her own with a baby at her age if she wanted to, it's absolutely fine.

Original poster
SomewhereNow · 04/12/2018 14:34

I mean overnight and no it’s not work, I’ve recently started seeing someone and I stay there - she’s aware of this, hasn’t met him yet but that’s her decision, think she will at some point soon though. I feel it’s better than her having someone who’s effectively a stranger in her home but a friend implied I was being a bit irresponsible 🙁

OP posts:
steppemum · 04/12/2018 14:34

really?
You do know she could leave home, get married, have a baby etc.
Until recently all care leavers were kicked out into independant living at 16.

Or course she is fine, unless there is some reason why you or she is unhappy with it!

Celebelly · 04/12/2018 14:35

Yep, absolutely fine and probably good for her to gain some independence too!

FaithFrank · 04/12/2018 14:36

YANBU as long as she is happy with it.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 04/12/2018 14:39

Ignore your friend, she's being an arse. If your DD wasn't happy with this arrangement then you would be being a bit unreasonable but she is, and it gives her independence.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 04/12/2018 14:39

Presumably you aren't locking her in a cupboard with a glass of water and a dry crust, and no way of contacting you in case of emergency?
She'll probably love it and it will be good for her to look after herself.

Sommelierrrr · 04/12/2018 14:48

God I'm really surprised at these responses.

I think I think you are being unreasonable and irresponsible, frankly.

All this claptrap and about care leavers and so on. She's not a care leaver is she?? She's a child who lives at home with her mother.

Teen-agers don't always make great decisions. They get taken advantage of, they do stupid stuff. Your job is to give them support and a sense of security.

You are basically saying, see you, have a nice time, im off with my new boyfriendShock

Don't be surprised if your 'mature' teen either isn't as mature as you thought.

AmyDowdensLeftLeftShoe · 04/12/2018 14:53

Not to be outed - I wouldn't leave your DD alone at home a couple of nights a week if it can be helped. A few times a month irregularly would be fine but not twice or more a week. Even though she is 16 and mature she is still a child, and teenagers need more reassurance than you think.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 04/12/2018 14:54

Sommelierrr - the OP is home the VAST majority of the time - so the bit about 'being taken advantage of, not making great decisions, lack of support ….' is a bit OTT.

This is a couple of nights a week - she's not leaving her to fend for herself alone in a hovel.

arethereanyleftatall · 04/12/2018 14:55

Maybe I'm a prude, but I think it does make a difference that you're going to spend the night at your boyfriends rather than no choice for working. That doesn't quite sit right, even though obviously the risk to her is no different.

steppemum · 04/12/2018 14:55

Sommelierr - all this claptrap about care leavers
the point being made is that society does consider 16 year olds able to fend for themselves up to a point.

I would hate my 16 year old to be living on his own, but he is actually capable. Many people in the past (only 1 or 2 generations back) had left home at 14 and gone out to work.

It is infantilising 16 year olds to say they can't do it.

Obviously, it doesn depend on the child and on the circumstances. Will they invite 20 friends roudn for a party?
But those of us who have teens know if we can trust them or not.

My ds will be 16 next week.
twice this year we have been away for 4 days and he didn't wnat to come. The first time, my mum came over on day two and took him off for a roast dinner. The second time she didn't.
Both times he had to look after the animals at home and walk the dog, because he loves th edog, I knew he would do that, which gave him some structure to the day.

He was fine. Really. Fine. Teenagers don't always made great decisions, but they also do very well being given small doses of trust and responsibility.

LylaBee · 04/12/2018 14:58

It is infantilising 16 year olds to say they can't do it.

This.

I moved out at 17.

Sethis · 04/12/2018 15:00

She's fine. Back in the late 90s, early 00s I was left alone overnight every now and again, no problem, from the age of about 12. Worst thing that ever happened was some late night PC gaming and drinking too much coca cola.

Trust your kid until you have a reason not to.

Celebelly · 04/12/2018 15:04

I left home at 17!

At 16, I'd been left for several long weekends and a week away. I had family nearby and neighbours to contact if the dreaded 'anything' had happened. But it never did. I just went to school, came home and watched TV/phoned friends, made myself dinner, sometimes went to my gran's for dinner if I couldn't be bothered cooking Grin, and went to bed. And that was before the ubiquity of mobile phones and social media. Now it's even easier to stay in frequent contact and check in.

Littlefrog99 · 04/12/2018 15:04

You can have a baby at 16, join the forces and all manner of other things so if you think your 16 year old is responsible enough to be left alone then it's your choice.

At 15 I was caring for children overnight for family members who either worked of stayed over at a partner's. My own parents went away for 2 nights twice a year leaving me and my sister home alone. We never had parties and we always knew who to contact in an emergency. Not everyone will agree with it but it's not up to anyone else. There is no legal age limit to when you can leave a child home alone.

skybluee · 04/12/2018 15:06

I think you can join the army at 16, and like other people say, move out, live on your own. However, it depends how mature she is and if she's happy with the arrangement. If she likes having the freedom and she's responsible I don't see any problem with it.

I used to stay for weekends by myself when I was 16, not with a partner, while my mum and sister used to go to sports competitions. I actually liked it.

NaiceShoes · 04/12/2018 15:09

I wouldn't want my 16 year old daughter staying alone overnight with her boyfriend twice a week, but each to their own. I accept the MN massive will come down on me like a tonne of bricks for stating this. So you're off staying with your boyfriend and she's in your house with her boyfriend. As PP said the risks are no different from if you had gone to work, but it doesn't seem right that its for that reason rather than needing to work.

Youmadorwhat · 04/12/2018 15:09

Personally I wouldn’t I’m with @sommelierrrr on this one. I find it ridiculously selfish if I’m being honest. You might find she is ‘quite mature’ but really?? And leaving her with her boyfriend? Call me old fashioned but that’s just asking for it!!?? And yes I mean pregnancy and just because society in the U.K. allows for a 16 yr old to have a baby and live by themselves does not mean it’s right and we should promote it!!FFS! I’m my opinion This Is everything Wrong with society today!!! I know I’m going to get flamed for this but to be honest I don’t care it is fundamentally giving off the “I have signed off” attitude to your DD and so therefor she could too!!

Disclaimer!!I am not flaming young mothers some of them are amazing but if I had a choice to encourage my daughter down one path vs another it would not be parenthood at 16/17

Heismyopendoor · 04/12/2018 15:10

At 16 I moved out! I think she will be fine

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