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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To leave DD16 home alone a couple of nights a week?

154 replies

SomewhereNow · 04/12/2018 14:27

She’s completely happy with it, I’m 20 mins away and we’re in touch on and off the whole time I’m not there. Sometimes she stays by herself, sometimes her boyfriend stays over (his parents are fully aware and he also stays when I’m there). Her dad is 10 mins away and in a real emergency there are several close neighbours she could call on. She’s very mature and sensible but I’m slightly worried I’m taking advantage of this. AIBU and a rubbish parent or is this fine at her age?

OP posts:

lily2403 · 04/12/2018 16:07

Perfectly acceptable

JaffaBiscuitNotCake · 04/12/2018 16:08

I did regularly when mine was that age as I worked nights, she was fine.

3timeslucky · 04/12/2018 16:09

Surely the question of whether she's having sex or not is completely separate to the OP's question?

She's not being left home in order to facilitate her having sex; if she's sexually active already then the empty house is neither here nor there.

And it isn't like sex is the only thing a 16 year can or does get up to when left with a "free house". Not in my experience anyway. If she's using good contraception and in a relationship with a nice guy that would be the least of my worries.

Like I said above, I don't know anyone who moved out of home at 16. But here when people do move out (which is possibly much later than is common in the UK) it is highly unlikely that they'd be alone in a house/flat as most people house or flat share for years (and longer).

Aside from the stupid decisions a 16 year old might make when s/he has a free house, there are other things (the break-ins, accidents, illnesses) that are really unpleasant and frightening to deal with on your own (at any age but particularly that young).

Rudgie47 · 04/12/2018 16:09

Fine but I'd make sure she was on the pill/injection and using condoms. I wouldn't want her to end up pregnant or with a std.

itbemay · 04/12/2018 16:09

I had my own place at 17, paid my rent, worked, paid the bills, slept alone and was fine.

Shes happy, you're happy. Its not every night its a couple of times a week.

Ohyesiam · 04/12/2018 16:10

3timeslucky I had no idea about any of that. Very interesting. Considering I’m half Irish it’s slightly embarrassing though.
Every day a school day.

Roussette · 04/12/2018 16:11

I certainly wouldn’t be happy at having to go to my dads because I wasn’t trusted enough all of a sudden hmm and if my mum had tried that I’d end up just resenting her for it

This ^^ absolutely. And this is why I left home before I was 17.

At 16 yrs old, I was farmed out to go and stay with my very strict Aunt and I hated it. Which is why me and my boyfriend (who I actually ended going out with for 5 years, he was not a passing bf)... anyway me and him used to go out for a date from my Aunt's house (told her we were going to the pictures) but actually sneak back to my house, find the hidden key and go and have sex there in my parents double bed.

If my parents hadn't been so strict I doubt I would've left home at 16, nearly 17, and I doubt I would have been so devious.

NutElla5x · 04/12/2018 16:14

Christ we really do baby our kids these days don't we? My brother left home to join the armed forces at 16 and I left home at 17 just because I wanted the independence.And we didn't have mobile phones to constantly be at each others beck and call back then either.I wander what has happened to us all to make us so afraid to let go of our kids a little bit.It really is so bad for them.

BabySharkAteMyHamster · 04/12/2018 16:15

It's fine.

I find the current trend for infantilising young adults very worrying, hell id moved out with a baby aged 16 and was a homeowner by 19 !

Charcole · 04/12/2018 16:18

Personally I don't think it sits quite right to leave a 16 year old alone a couple of nights a week (!) so you can go and sleep with a new boyfriend. I know many disagree but I do think it's sending out a poor message.

Youmadorwhat · 04/12/2018 16:18

I’m actually despairing at a lot of the answers on here! I have a large extended family and several cousins ranging from 15 to 18/19 and none of them are allowed to have boyfriends over!! Several don’t even have boyfriends and are not interested. They (at16)also wouldn’t be left on there own for nights like that nor would they be interested. That doesn’t mean they are not independent in many ways they are. I just don’t understand the want to rush your children in growing up!! And there’s a HUGE difference in enabling your children to become independent and enabling them to make the wrong decisions and putting the I’m situations that are potentially life changing. But hey look if all their friends are doing it then go ahead...surely that makes it right!!🙄

Aloethere · 04/12/2018 16:23

@Youmadorwhat I live in Ireland too and the school leaving age isn't 18, I'm not sure where you are getting your info from.
It is 16, not many leave at 16 but some do and it i perfectly legal once you have done 3 years of post primary education.
I know someone who left at 16 a few years ago and has spent his life since holed in his room playing xbox.

empmalswa · 04/12/2018 16:23

I just don’t understand the want to rush your children in growing up!!

Leaving a 16yo home alone overnight is hardly rushing them to grow up. It's totally age appropriate.

But hey look if all their friends are doing it then go ahead...surely that makes it right!!🙄

Well actually, if all their friends are doing it, perhaps it's not as extreme an idea as some are trying to make out! I'm not saying things are justified because others do then, but if so many of one kids friends are doing something, that should be an indication that maybe it IS age appropriate.

Chocolaterainbows · 04/12/2018 16:24

I agree with **sommelierrrr

3timeslucky · 04/12/2018 16:25

3timeslucky I had no idea about any of that. Very interesting. Considering I’m half Irish it’s slightly embarrassing thoughblush.
Every day a school day

If I'm reading it right you can only marry in the UK at 16 with parental consent, otherwise it is 18 so not hugely different, except in Scotland where it is 16 with or without parental consent.

The average opposite sex marriage age in Ireland is generally higher than in the UK: 33 for a woman and 36 for a man in Ireland; but 31 and 33 respectively in the UK. (Same sex marriages average is 40 in Ireland). And most marriage in the UK take place in the 25-29 age bracket, while in Ireland it is in the 30-34 age range.

I love a good census

amusedbush · 04/12/2018 16:26

My parents left me for long weekends while they visited family when I was 16. I was thrilled not to go with them because parents are like, soooo embarrassinggggg.

I went on multiple holidays with friends/a boyfriend when I was 17.

I really don't see the issue.

Roussette · 04/12/2018 16:30

Youmad and I'm despairing at the answers on here too but polar opposite to you!

When do you start trusting someone if not at 16? What's the magic number?

If my DPs had trusted me a bit more I would not have kicked out, been sneaky, go behind their back, leave home etc. I was desperate to be trusted like with a night on my own. But no, they had me watched like a hawk. It made me revolt.

I however agree with you, I don't think it's right at 15 or 16 to have boyfriends staying over, particularly if you have younger DCs too. But to be allowed to be a night on your own if you are comfortable with that is a good thing. Those that haven't gradually been trusted are the ones that go absolutely wild at Uni.

Charcole so if the OP was away for a night out with girlfriends once a week and a night away with work, that's OK then? It's just the boyfriend bit that's wrong?

3timeslucky · 04/12/2018 16:30

@Aloethere
you're absolutely correct that the school leaving age in Ireland is 16 but the numbers sitting the LC are such that there are few enough actually leaving at 16. The chances of them being able to leave home are slimmer than they have been in decades (possibly in generations).

3timeslucky · 04/12/2018 16:31

Apologies for the diversion from the OPs query!

Sethis · 04/12/2018 16:32

You heard it here first ladies and gents!

Being left alone in a house with your boyfriend = Automatic Teen Mother

There is no other possible outcome to this scenario. Your daughter will get pregnant, and will have a child, and then you'll be a grandparent. Because you left her alone in the house.

Obviously it's not possible that your daughter could enjoy the trust you've placed in her, and behave like a responsible adult. That would be craaaaaazzzyyyyy and we don't want any of that kind of talk here.

I think I eyerolled too hard and one of them has got stuck.

Help.

... no, wait, I'm good.

Roussette · 04/12/2018 16:34

Sethis

Parky04 · 04/12/2018 16:34

We left our DS16 alone for 7 days when we went on holiday. He didn't mind and loved the independence. He cooked his dinners and washed his clothes. He even managed to get up by himself and go to school! Too many 16/17 year olds are treated like small children. No wonder they never want to leave home when they are older!

WorraLiberty · 04/12/2018 16:35

Well I wasn’t allowed to have a boyfriend over at 16 hell I wasn’t even allowed to go stay with a boyfriend I had at 18 and I never had sex in a corsa!! In fact I didn’t have sex until I was 18 and in university!! Hoping maybe pattern will follow!!

Well there's no harm in hoping, as long as you have a backup plan if she doesn't follow in your exact footsteps.

It's unusual for an 18 year old adult not to stay with their boyfriend/girlfriend because Mum or Dad says no.

FangTasticFeast · 04/12/2018 16:35

She’s in year 12 so could be going to uni in 18 months time yet some people think she shouldn’t be left alone over night in her own house

No wonder so many 16-18 year olds seem so clueless these days.

Youmadorwhat · 04/12/2018 16:36

@Aloethere yes I can see that but to be honest you don’t get many who do to be honest as it’s pointless there’s not much else you can do. Also they actually have to be in some sort of education or training and are assisted by the CFA. I’m in education albeit primary education so I am well aware although I did think that recently they had changed it again from 16 to 18.

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