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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave DD16 home alone a couple of nights a week?

154 replies

SomewhereNow · 04/12/2018 14:27

She’s completely happy with it, I’m 20 mins away and we’re in touch on and off the whole time I’m not there. Sometimes she stays by herself, sometimes her boyfriend stays over (his parents are fully aware and he also stays when I’m there). Her dad is 10 mins away and in a real emergency there are several close neighbours she could call on. She’s very mature and sensible but I’m slightly worried I’m taking advantage of this. AIBU and a rubbish parent or is this fine at her age?

OP posts:
Satsumaeater · 04/12/2018 16:40

Those that haven't gradually been trusted are the ones that go absolutely wild at Uni

Not necessarily. I didn't spend a night alone at home until I was 19 (and didn't like it, although it was a whole week, not just a night). My mum was quite overprotective and I was young for my age.

But I went to uni, didn't go mad, didn't have sex until my 2nd year and am still in touch with that boyfriend, we went to each other's weddings, only got stupidly drunk a couple of times, never took drugs. You don't need your children to grow up before their time to be sensible.

I'm not saying being left alone = teen mother, but I do find the idea that you have to facilitate something because it's going to happen anyway tiresome and wrong. My parents did their best to make sure I didn't have the opportunity before I went to uni, and I didn't take the first chance(s) once I went to uni.

However, I think it is ok to leave a 16 year old overnight. I wouldn't be keen on doing it and I don't think my 16 year old ds would want to be left, but girls tend to be more mature than boys and less likely to have wild parties.

Wheresthebeach · 04/12/2018 16:41

You're buggering off a couple of nights every week to be with your boyfriend? She's your daughter, not your room mate.

Once in a while okay but not on a regular basis.

Of course she's saying she's fine with it. Dear God - what 16 year old wouldn't want the house to herself with her boyfriend.

Aloethere · 04/12/2018 16:41

The person I know Yourmadonwhat most definitely has done nothing for the past 2 years. He is extended family so I know the ins and outs. Maybe he has just slipped through the net but for sure he did no education or training. He has signed on now he is 18.

Youmadorwhat · 04/12/2018 16:42

To those of saying that they need to be trusted yes I get that and I was trusted as a teenager in many respects. I had a very good relationship with both my parents and never felt stilted in my growth as a person but there’s trust and there’s enabling. There’s plenty of time for sleeping with boyfriends etc I personally just don’t think 16 is the age for that. I can see I’m in the minority’s and that’s fine. But that doesn’t mean I’m going to change my mind.

Roussette · 04/12/2018 16:45

Satsamueater of course not all go wild. But a lot do. It is not a case of making them grow up before their time. It's about judging the child, what they are capable of, and gradually loosening the strings and letting them make mistakes, or not as the case might be.

I do think you are the exception. If you have been monitored to within an inch of your life, then suddenly you are at Uni, freshers week, drink, hot guys, fun etc... the chances are that person will take advantage of that freedom because they've never had any.

I have adult DCs. I gave them some freedom. It worked for us. I wasn't a lax parent, but I also wasn't a strict parent. If they were happy to be on their own at 16 yrs old and have friends over, we let them.

Flewog · 04/12/2018 16:45

I think it's absolutely fine. Just echoing what others have said really - she could well be leaving home to go off to uni in 18 months, she's certainly old enough to be left overnight at home (provided you don't have particular concerns about her maturity). And if 16 year olds want to have sex, they'll have sex, be it in a park, car park, or wherever else - better that they're able to do it in a safe place.

Drogosnextwife · 04/12/2018 16:48

OP YABVU to leave your technically adult daughter alone for a couple of nights a week. This will inevitably end with her getting pregnant. Joining a gang and most likely becoming addicted to drink, drugs or both. You need to start being a responsible parent instead of running off and abandoning her!.....

...Or maybe not Hmm

Youmadorwhat · 04/12/2018 16:49

@Charcole yes essentially it’s the boyfriend part that I have the main problem with. Peer pressure and pressure from boyfriends can be hard when you are on your own etc.Although I wouldn’t be comfortable leaving my 16yr old DD on her own either. Possibly just me? Not because I wouldn’t trust her I just wouldnt feel the need. We live in the middle of nowhere so not ideal to be on your own. I would probably let her have a friend or cousin with her if she wanted but it would be my last resort.

Original poster
SomewhereNow · 04/12/2018 16:51

wheresthebeach I’m not sure why it’s ‘buggering off’ because there’s a man involved 🙄 And not being physically there a couple of nights doesn’t make me any less of a parent - it’s because I’m considering her as a child and not a ‘roommate’ that I’m not introducing them yet as I dont feel it’s appropriate.

OP posts:
Original poster
SomewhereNow · 04/12/2018 16:54

And when I say ‘child’ I obviously mean as my daughter who is in fact a young adult.

OP posts:
legolimb · 04/12/2018 16:54

Christ we really do baby our kids these days don't we? My brother left home to join the armed forces at 16 and I left home at 17 just because I wanted the independence.And we didn't have mobile phones to constantly be at each others beck and call back then either.I wander what has happened to us all to make us so afraid to let go of our kids a little bit.It really is so bad for them

This.

The start of this problem was making education until 18 pretty much compulsory. Keeping young people under their parents' control for those extra two years is doing no-one any favours.

I can see the difference in teenagers today and teens from my own generation. We were much more confident from a younger age - using public transport, hanging around in the town centre etc.

empmalswa · 04/12/2018 16:54

I'm not saying being left alone = teen mother, but I do find the idea that you have to facilitate something because it's going to happen anyway tiresome and wrong.

By facilitate you mean allow to act within the law? If there is any reason why a 16yo should not have sex, then your point may hold up. But if they want to, are in a relationship and not being abused, then sex is perfectly ok.

My parents did their best to make sure I didn't have the opportunity before I went to uni, and I didn't take the first chance(s) once I went to uni.

That's just weird. Honestly. Making sure a 16/17/18yo has no opportunity to have a normal sexual relationship (if they want to) is not normal at all.

chuffnstuff · 04/12/2018 16:54

Bet the OP wishes she hadn't asked now....

Youmadorwhat · 04/12/2018 16:56

🤣🤣 so not emotionally ready to meet your BFF but emotionally ready to be on her own a few nights a week with a boyfriend where important emotionally developmental behavior is allowed to happen??? Makes a lot of sense...🙄

EllieMentry · 04/12/2018 16:58

Like other posters, I left home and lived on my own at 16. In retrospect, I think I was a bit too young to move out but I coped fine and survived. She'll be fine if you feel she's mature enough.

Loyaultemelie · 04/12/2018 17:00

When I was 16 I had already been to Spain for fortnight holidays with my best friend twice (15 and 16) and lived for the very odd occasion my dparents went away for the weekend so my friend and I could sit about in pjs and binge watch sunset beach Blush(we were real party animals us!)
I would have loved nights to myself in peace (still would at 36!)

Original poster
SomewhereNow · 04/12/2018 17:02

youmad yes personally I feel that’s the right way round. She was with her bf for a long time before I met mine and I know him and his family well. As someone who had a pretty abusive and unpleasant stepfather forced on them I won’t be introducing her to anyone until she wants it to happen.

OP posts:
pallisers · 04/12/2018 17:05

You're buggering off a couple of nights every week to be with your boyfriend? She's your daughter, not your room mate.

Once in a while okay but not on a regular basis

Even though it sounds a bit harsh, I agree with this. 16 is still young to me but I think there is a big cultural divide on this on MN. I am Irish and I don't know a single person who was living independently at 16 whereas on any thread like this loads of MNs of various ages will say they were.

NotUmbongoUnchained · 04/12/2018 17:11

Fuck me at 16 I’d left home and gone travelling.

I imagine these drippy parents who think 16 year olds are still children are the parents of absolutely useless students I’ve had to deal with at uni who can’t function without having an adult tell them what to do.

Youmadorwhat · 04/12/2018 17:13

@Somewherenow I think deep down you know this whole situation isn’t right (I’m presuming that’s why you asked) but ultimately it’s obviously up to you. You must have known this question would have created a divide and the issues that came up would arise. Your daughter and her boyfriend may be very sensible but we all know as women accidents can happen despite precautions and best intentions. We also can see from many threads on here how hard it can be as a young and or single parent so I would aim to avoid that if possible. But anyway best of luck whatever you choose to do.

PlugUgly1980 · 04/12/2018 17:17

Personally I think it depends on the individual and how comfortable they feel being alone in the house all night on their own. I'm nearly 40 with two kids and still prefer it when another adult is in the house with me!! BlushI can and do cope when OH is working away but I don't enjoy it. If the OP's daughter is happy and has her boyfriend for company some nights then I think that's fine and teaches independence.

empmalswa · 04/12/2018 17:19

Your daughter and her boyfriend may be very sensible but we all know as women accidents can happen despite precautions and best intentions.

This basically applies to every female ever to have PIV sex. Should we all just stop?

It's ok for 16yo's to enjoy sex. They shouldn't be prevented from doing so because it can lead to 'accidents'. They should be taught about doing the very best they can to prevent this from happening (double contraception) and about feeling safe and secure in a relationship before taking that step.

The teens who's parents actively prevent them from developing normally are usually the ones who end up pregnant.

Youmadorwhat · 04/12/2018 17:24

@empmalswa come on really!!! Honestly I find I crazy that you even went there! In my eyes 16 is not a responsible/independent age to be having sex and possibly a child! Fuck it’s hard enough dealing with those emotions as a grown married women never mind as a CHILD!!

Youmadorwhat · 04/12/2018 17:25

I’m out guys! 👋

empmalswa · 04/12/2018 17:29

come on really!!! Honestly I find I crazy that you even went there! In my eyes 16 is not a responsible/independent age to be having sex and possibly a child! Fuck it’s hard enough dealing with those emotions as a grown married women never mind as a CHILD!!

Surprised that I went where Confused

It's ok for 16yo's to have sexual relationships.