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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To leave DD16 home alone a couple of nights a week?

154 replies

SomewhereNow · 04/12/2018 14:27

She’s completely happy with it, I’m 20 mins away and we’re in touch on and off the whole time I’m not there. Sometimes she stays by herself, sometimes her boyfriend stays over (his parents are fully aware and he also stays when I’m there). Her dad is 10 mins away and in a real emergency there are several close neighbours she could call on. She’s very mature and sensible but I’m slightly worried I’m taking advantage of this. AIBU and a rubbish parent or is this fine at her age?

OP posts:

Wheresthebeach · 04/12/2018 17:47

Didn't use that phrase because a man is involved - would feel the same if you were out partying twice a week with your mates instead.

You corrected your comment about her being a child - but that's what she still is in some ways. She's in the middle of her teenage years. Not a young adult. In 18mths - 2 years she'll have grown up a great deal.

Its a time of transition and I don't think leaving her alone two nights a week to facilitate your relationship with your boyfriend is right.

ReanimatedSGB · 04/12/2018 17:53

What's got the usual idiots ragepissing is the idea that OP is having sex, not necessarily the DD. There are people actually saying it would be OK for OP to leave this teenager alone overnight as long as OP wasn't enjoying herself - just like the scumbags who think abortion is only OK if the woman didn't enjoy the sex that caused the pregnancy.
One of the biggest problems we have is this idea that there is something badly wrong with a woman choosing to have sex and enjoying it...

PeonyTruffle · 04/12/2018 17:55

I lived on my own at 16, she'll be just fine!

makingmammaries · 04/12/2018 18:00

I think it’s a bit unkind to her, personally, even if she is sensible enough not to cause any accidents. That’s a lot of either solitude or dependence on her boyfriend, with whom, being 16, she is likely to split sooner or later - and it will hit her harder because of the enforced dependence. If you were working, I agree she’d have to suck it up, but then it would look different to her. You’re prioritizing your boyfriend over her, and don’t imagine she can’t see it.

Ollivander84 · 04/12/2018 18:04

At 16 I was away at agricultural college doing a national diploma, looking after my horse and spending nights at my boyfriends. As long as we had permission from parents, we had no curfew

Ollivander84 · 04/12/2018 18:06

And to add that was full time living away! So I worked Saturday and Sunday in a local pub

Nenic · 04/12/2018 18:10

I’m really shocked that some people wouldn’t be ok with this. To not be able to leave your 16yr old overnight (sn excluded), is very worrying

MyDcAreMarvel · 04/12/2018 18:14

No it’s wrong and selfish. Wait a couple of years.

SouthernComforts · 04/12/2018 18:26

I'm another that had a key at 8, walked home alone, and was left alone from probably 13/14. At 16 my parents would go away for weeks at a time. At 17 I had my own house. I blame this on being the youngest of 7 kids.

Howeverrrr, dd is 9 and I only just now pop to the corner shop without her so I'm not quite as far up the benign neglect scale as my parents.

Workreturner · 04/12/2018 18:32

No judgement here. If works for you and, much more importantly, your daughter - then fine.

Would I even for one second consider doing the same when my daughter is 16? Not a chance.

Workreturner · 04/12/2018 18:34

@Nenic

A one off is very different from a couple of nights a every week

Roussette · 04/12/2018 18:35

I too am completely shocked that posters wouldn't be OK with it. Is everyone expecting at at 17 years and 11 months minus a day, they become sensible? It's a gradual process....

Roussette · 04/12/2018 18:36

At 18 years minus a day I meant!

Workreturner · 04/12/2018 18:36

One of the biggest problems we have is this idea that there is something badly wrong with a woman choosing to have sex and enjoying it...

May be on the feminist navel gazing threads. Not in real life

pallisers · 04/12/2018 18:36

To not be able to leave your 16yr old overnight (sn excluded), is very worrying

But most people aren't saying the couldn't leave their 16 year old. I could have left mine at 14 if it came to that - they were perfectly sensible. People are saying they wouldn't in these circumstances - twice a week every week so as to spend the night with a boyfriend (or to go out with friends). For me it is like she is no longer a daughter but a room mate and I think 16 is too young to feel that degree of adulthood.

Also I wouldn't care about her having sex with her boyfriend but I would care about the arrangement encouraging her into a more serious, intense relationship where they are playing house twice a week.

Workreturner · 04/12/2018 18:37

@SouthernComforts

How at 17 did you have your own house?

Quarky · 04/12/2018 18:39

I haven't read all the responses, but the ones I have read don't mention anything about safe sex. I hope you've had a good talk with her about STDs and unwanted pregnancies. If I'd have been left alone at 16 overnight with my boyfriend we would have been at it like rabbits. Please tell her to be careful on that front.

choli · 04/12/2018 18:54

I'd go as far as to say that if a young woman of 16 can't be left alone overnight then her parents are failing at their job of teaching her to grow up.

Ollivander84 · 04/12/2018 18:54

Those who have said no, would you let them go off to residential college at 16?

hammeringinmyhead · 04/12/2018 19:01

This thread is funny. I was left for a week at 17 (Sept birthday so 1st year 6th form) and I had also been to Spain for a week with a mate. My boyfriend (and best friend on other nights) came over. I just had my first baby at 34.

FloofyDoof · 04/12/2018 19:01

I left home at 16 and lived alone. My 16 and 18 year olds were at home alone while I was in hospital for a week not so long ago, and they were absolutely fine.

It sounds like she has plenty of support nearby if she needs it, I don't see the problem. Sounds like a good way to learn a little independence. I do wonder how people expect kids to cope when they leave home or go off to university, after they've been wrapped up in cotton wool and sheltered from everything in the world up until 18.

Buswankeress · 04/12/2018 19:11

I leave my 15 1/2 year old overnight twice a week - her choice, I work nights and she's always stayed with family, but when DM was unwell and in hospital, there was no choice for her but to stay at home on her own while I worked. Since then she chooses to what she does when I'm at work, however I have said I want her to stay at least 2 nights of the 4 with DM because I feel it's a long time for her to be left in one go.
I really don't see it's any different to the OP situation, because the risks are the same wherever I am, but that said I would think most people would disregard that fact if I wasn't working and were staying with a boyfriend instead and leaving her overnight. I'd also be uncomfortable telling people, probably because I'd feel judged. But my DD isn't quite 16, at 16 you can legally leave parental control and make certain decisions for yourself that are life changing, so I feel being left at 16 for whatever reason should be absolutely fine. But I do think you'd get judged for the reason OP, and treated differently if you were working, and I think that's strange really.

Mrsbird311 · 04/12/2018 19:12

Flippin heck, my son left home at sixteen and moved to his own place in another country!! He’s absolutely fine, I think it’s really fucking weird to police who your sixteen year old is having sex with, it’s none of your business whatsoever!! The op sounds fine, leaving her daughter with a known boyfriend a couple of nights a week!! The control on this forum is astounding

SouthernComforts · 04/12/2018 19:27

Workreturner - I rented a property from a family member (not my parents). I worked and so did my boyfriend.

SouthernComforts · 04/12/2018 19:28

^^ just realised you thought I meant I owned my own house, sorry!

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