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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To leave DD16 home alone a couple of nights a week?

154 replies

SomewhereNow · 04/12/2018 14:27

She’s completely happy with it, I’m 20 mins away and we’re in touch on and off the whole time I’m not there. Sometimes she stays by herself, sometimes her boyfriend stays over (his parents are fully aware and he also stays when I’m there). Her dad is 10 mins away and in a real emergency there are several close neighbours she could call on. She’s very mature and sensible but I’m slightly worried I’m taking advantage of this. AIBU and a rubbish parent or is this fine at her age?

OP posts:

Ethel80 · 04/12/2018 15:12

You know your daughter, we don't. I know 16 year olds that could absolutely be trusted not to have a huge party/burn the house down but some that couldn't.

I also know kids of the same age that would feel very anxious being home alone and would hate it and hate the responsibility.

Obviously some kids leave home at 16 (I did) but that's not really the issue here, it's about your daughter and whether it's ok for her and you.

martingoresnipplechain · 04/12/2018 15:14

I moved out at 17, my sister moved out at 16. It'll likely be fine.

Twooter · 04/12/2018 15:14

Fun with NaiceShoes on this. Have a dc similar age and really would not approve of what you’re doing.

Twooter · 04/12/2018 15:14

I’m working it’s NaiceShoes. Not sure where the fun came from.

Ethel80 · 04/12/2018 15:14

The pregnancy thing is ridiculous. She can get pregnant wherever and whenever they have sex if they don't use contraception correctly. Surely it's better that she's honest with her mum and having sex at home than shagging in a cold Corsa or down the Rec?!

Jessiemcbarny · 04/12/2018 15:15

At 16 she'll be fine.

Original poster

SomewhereNow · 04/12/2018 15:15

youmadorwhat I take your point but she’s been with her bf for a while now, we’ve talked openly about contraception, consent, all of that and frankly I’d prefer them to do what they inevitably will at some point in the safety and comfort of her own home - whether I’m there or not.

OP posts:

BigSandyBalls2015 · 04/12/2018 15:15

No one is encouraging a teen pregnancy, they could shag anywhere!

NaiceShoes · 04/12/2018 15:15

Agree with Youmadorwhat and Sommelierrrr. I know we will be in the minority though.

Celebelly · 04/12/2018 15:16

She's 16 - if she's going to have sex with her boyfriend, they will find somewhere to do it (and you're not any more likely to fall pregnant having sex in your own bed than having sex down some side street somewhere!). Personally I'd rather they were having sex somewhere where I knew where they were and had access to contraception, etc. rather than fumbling around in rooms at parties or God knows where.

TranmereRover · 04/12/2018 15:18

It wouldn't work for me. If her dad is only 10 minutes away, can't she stay with him the nights you're off with the new boyfriend?

NoLeslie · 04/12/2018 15:19

My worry would be if it was a sudden change from a parent/child relationship to more like 'housemates both dating people aren't we krazeeee'. But that's because I know a few people whose parents kind of stopped parenting them a few years too soon. So it depends on what your relationship with your DD was like to begin with.

Original poster

SomewhereNow · 04/12/2018 15:20

I do see both sides of this but I can say without a doubt that DD is happy with this - not just because she gets time with bf but because she likes the freedom and a bit of responsibility. She’s an only child and has always needed her own space and been happy in her own company. We spend a lot of time together in between and I’d say our relationship is stronger and closer than most mums and daughters.

OP posts:

AdamNichol · 04/12/2018 15:21

At 16 you used to be able to get a full time job, own home, etc.

Gov't decided there were too many at 16 going from school to job seekers, so made everyone stay in education until 18 (funny how they did that to a population who were banned from voting, eh?).

Now this is being read as 16-18s aren't able to survive a night without loving parent superglued to them. Keep infantilising them like this, and you'll make it true.

Bufferingkisses · 04/12/2018 15:22

I'm in the same situation as you. Very sensible 16, nearly 17 year old, relationship of 3 years, OH just 10 minutes walk away. I have recently started leaving teen overnight. Never more than 1 night and probably once a month or less. It is restrictive on a relationship but I feel that being out evenings is very different than being out all night.

It's not a cut and dried thing though, each parent, child, relationship, neighbourhood even home is different. Only you can decide what suits you and your teen. Just be careful to listen to the unspoken signals that teens seem to prefer over outright speaking their mind.

Youmadorwhat · 04/12/2018 15:22

@Ethyl80 I’m very open about sex etc and I get what you are saying but I reeeaallly and truly wouldn’t have my daughters bf over to stay at the age of 16 (just like I wasn’t allowed to) and I hope to god my DDhas enough self respect not to do it in the back of a corsa and that age!! Maybe it’s because here in Ireland you would be hard pressed to leave home at 16!! You would never get a rental as technically you still have to be in school!! Yes HAVE TO! Not allowed leave school here at 16!! Very much still a child!!

ReanimatedSGB · 04/12/2018 15:23

Oh, there are still some people who just lose their minds completely at the idea of any woman willingly having sex - ignore them.
If your DD is a)happy and b) trustworthy then I can't see a problem at all.

I leave DS (14) at home alone in the evenings sometimes,. though not overnights, because he would find that distressing. He doesn't mind an evening alone bingewatching Only Connect and Dr Who on iPlayer but prefers there to be someone there when he goes to bed - so if I want a late night or an overnight, he goes to spend the night with his dad. As PP have said, 16 is considered pretty much an adult in many sets of circumstances: in practice, you go by what you think your own DC wants/needs.

Original poster

SomewhereNow · 04/12/2018 15:23

Being a ‘kerazee’ mum is my worst nightmare, it’s really not like that.

As far as her dad goes I wish she would stay there but she’s not keen, they get on ok but they aren’t close and there’s not much I can do about it.

OP posts:

Reallybadidea · 04/12/2018 15:23

I wouldn't do it on a regular basis to be honest. She's still legally a child and IMO needs to have a parent at home more than 5 evenings a week. Safety-wise I think it's fine; in terms of meeting her emotional needs I don't think it's great. Sorry.

Neweternal · 04/12/2018 15:24

I lived on my own at 16. Can't believe this is even worth discussing!

Beebee8 · 04/12/2018 15:24

My mum went to Australia with her boyfriend for 3 weeks when I was 17 and I survived! There were definitely nights she was away when I was 15/16 too. I think it's fine!

Jessiemcbarny · 04/12/2018 15:25

Infintalissing our kids is important you want them join in gangs?

Neweternal · 04/12/2018 15:27

I didn't join a gang. I didn't come from the hood, ''tis was too middle class to be a homie!

Beebee8 · 04/12/2018 15:27

Also the people saying it would be different if it was a work commitment abu and they know it! The point is whether she would be ok.

AdamNichol · 04/12/2018 15:28

@jessiemcbarny - you think that not coddling your kids to the point where they can't fend for themselves somehow pushes them into organised crime?

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