Would you be pissed off/annoyed , IABU?

[Issy777]

I don't know if I should kick up a fuss or not, I admit I'm quite paranoid due to my GAD which can spiral out of control...
So often works away, he can go for a week or three nights every month...
The last few times he went was difficult we always ended up arguing but I did say to him all I want is a little reassurance, like a phone call or a txt when he goes to bed etc. He usually goes with a female colleague.

Last night was first night, he rang at 5.20 but I had missed the call, so I txt him around 6, he replied saying he was eating out at Greek restaurant sent pic etc, then txt about two more txts back at fourth at about 7ish. The last txt I sent was 8, I had asked him if he was having a good night - trying my hardest not to be paranoid and just be nice/normal. It was delivered but
He never read it til 00.27!!!!
And then no reply
And even this morning no txt.

I'm so upset. I know I might be overreacting but the fact he didn't even reply to my txt or bother ringing or txting shows his disregard to me?

Also shows he probably went out drinking as why else would he be awake at that time? It doesn't explain why he didn't read msg straight away though or earlier. I don't wanna cause another row, he's there for two more nights and I'm just distraught at how he's behaved. AIBU?

For all the women who have partners working away what is the standard protocol for communication etc?

It doesn't help I've read about 5 threads on here in the past few weeks about DP/DH's living double lives having affairs whilst they've been "working away"

Please help me in what I should do next?

Yes I sometimes think he insults colleague as a diversion tactic but most ppl on here seem to think I'm overreacting! It's hard to put it into perspective, I think he has admitted she's nice to get on with and isn't that what an emotional affair is - not entirely physical but enjoying each other's company

This is insane. No, enjoying a female colleague's company is not an emotional affair.

Get professional help, OP. This is seriously not normal. And you have killed your relationship.

I'm sorry but I can't actually believe you brought all of this up infront of your children!? Why would you do that?!

And you wonder why your eldest got upset.

You need to seek some professional help, if my fella acted like this with me, i'd be off and the same if it was the other way round when he works away

If you act like that each time he's away with work then just bloody end it

I just can't believe you'd argue like that infront of your children. That's out of order

You remain convinced so just call it a day

Both my dh and I work away. We almost never contact each other, yesterday I sent him a text to ask him to look for something.

We both have demanding jobs. One of his team has a wife who calls and texts constantly and it really annoys the rest of them but has also impacted on his career

Just want to a say a big thank you for all the advice and support I've had.
For the posters who have just made plain, unnecessary negative comments, I hope karma bites you in the ass

I wanted to update as ironically, dp has actually said I should contact him MORE. Yes that's right! He actually said his colleague had phone calls from her husband whilst having a meal!!!
And he rang once when they were driving back.
He then turned this round saying "I wish you would do that" as it was pretty awkward she seems to be going on her phone, and he will sit on his.
He also said it would show I care. So for the million posters on here that have refuted this sorry to give you a slice of humble pie!
I have learnt that every bodies relationships must be different, I mean like I said his female colleague had her husband ringing her whilst they were having a meal! She spent quite awhile on her phone (apparently) and also he mentioned that she was very "whiny" on the phone to him like sounding totally different saying "babe" etc.

I think he has been overtired with work, and the work we've having done on the house which he is helping with. It is taking its toll as he's lost a lot of weight I've noticed and he had been snapping easily. I'm going to try work on this anxiety about contacting him as in I need to just do what one poster advised me, if I feel I miss him I will txt him, if I fancy a chat I will ring him. My issue is I wasn't doing any of this- I wait for him to txt and him to reply then get myself in a state if he doesn't!!!

Next time, I've decided I'll ring him around 8/9 as that's when they seem to retire to the hotel
Again, thanks for all the responses it is interesting how the majority have said they don't contact their partners but my partner has actually said I SHOULD ring him.

The only thing I was unhappy with is he has told her everything as in about me being paranoid about her, and how I get on his case when he's away. I was a bit miffed that he's told her this as I think that's a private issue.

😂😂 oh love, karma won't be biting me in my arse than you very much, and I'm certainly not tucking into any humble pie

What a joke 😂

He also said it would show I care. So for the million posters on here that have refuted this sorry to give you a slice of humble pie!

You have obviously not read the "million" texts if that is how you interpreted them.

Your tone here is very nasty, particularly as posters have tried to help you see things from a rational perspective

It doesn't matter if you contact him more because he wasn't even checking his phone was he.

I think he is 'shagging the fat ugly woman'

You know Issy most people who have posted have done so to try and help you, even if you didn’t like their advice. Your comments about “karma” and “humble pie” are really quite unpleasant.

I’m glad that despite his announcement that the relationship was over and a slanging match in front of the kids you seem to have made up for now.

It’s clear though that this isn’t a healthy relationship and I would echo other posters, I think it would be very helpful for you to find someone in real life to talk to.

You either trust him, or you don't. Appreciate the free space as I am sure he does. It is healthy.

Obsessing over time to reply to read messages is not.

Agreed that the tone of your update was very unpleasant. Throughout this thread you have been determined to believe he was cheating on you now he tells you to phone him more despite him saying he was fed up with it and you stick two fingers up at everybody. I read some of your other threads as you had posted about this before and I dont think your relationship is in a good place at all and I do think you need to address it. I wouldn't be at all surprised to see you posting a similar thread in a couple of weeks time.

@NonaGrey

Sorry I was referring to the one nasty poster that commented that even another poster told her she was being very harsh - so that karma part was just for her! Really sorry, I couldn't remember her name and using my phone so too many to scroll up on.

What I meant in the terms of humble pie, a lot of posters have said I'm "needy", "high maintenance", "poor man" . I find those kind of comments really judgemental and nasty. I did purposely state I have GAD so I am going to be a bit more high strong than the average person but telling me I'm "needy", "pathetic" or "ridiculous " isn't very good advice is it? And absolutely untrue as I hardly ever txt or ring. If my own partner is telling me I SHOULD be ringing him more often when he's away shows I'm not contacting enough! So I find it really u called for when people. An just assume from one post what the relationship dynamics are. I did want to know what other couples do in this situation but like I said it's taught me one thing that everyone is different and their is a lot of laid back partners out there.

If my own partner is telling me I SHOULD be ringing him more often when he's away shows I'm not contacting enough! So I find it really u called for when people. An just assume from one post what the relationship dynamics are

Oh dear Issy, that’s really not what it shows. What it shows is that your poor partner is attempting to find a way of managing your anxiety and accusations of infidelity.

Your update shows that despite 7 pages (just on this thread) of ascribing the worst possible motivations to his every move that you don’t really believe he cheated on you.

As for relationship dynamics. This isn’t a case of “different couples manage things in different ways”.

The two of you ended up in a serious (and no doubt) distressing argument in front of your child because he didn’t reply to a text.

There are serious problems here. You have to find someone to talk to about this in real life. If you were my friend I would advise you to go and see your GP.

This is not how a healthy relationship operates. It’s not good for you or your DP - it’s certainly not good for the children.

Ah, oh dear. That wasn't pretty,

I don't think there is much more to be said here.

I hope it works out for you op.

Poor man. Poor children.

Ugh. If he isn't thinking of leaving now he probably soon will be. No surprise he's avoiding contact.

Really feel sorry for him. If he tries to compromise/placate you, instead of doing the same ( compromising as well so both of you are happy, rather than just YOU) you sit back and think “AHAH! I was right all along “.

This also came through quite strongly in your update.. seemed a lot like.. gloating? Not pretty.

If I was you op I'd have a think about your behaviour.

Your op was about rhe fact he didn't text you back in the evening when you'd texted at about 8. Your reaction was to accuse him of cheating, and generally be horrible to him, when you clearly knew he hadn't been cheating.

When you didnt get the reaction you wanted on here, ie to be validated, you then posted as if you were furious, and stating apparently you were to phone and text him more, which was illogical as the issue was him not responding to you when you did.

The behaviour comes across as controlling and abusive. When people don't do as you wish, behave as you wish, say what you wish, you become angry and you lie as a way to force them to do what you wish. Be it your partner or even strangers on line.

I'd take a step back becayse you will kill your relationship if you continue this way, and it can't make you happy,

@Kisskiss

Again jumping to conclusions
He mentioned me not ringing him enough so how is that placating me? What a joke when MNers assume things to suit themselves and validate their point.

Erm no, the conversation I had with him as I was there when he said it 🙄 stated that he didn't think about replying at that particular time and had got back late, he therefore pointed out and basically moaned that I should be ringing him and gave the example of his female colleague who received three phone calls of her DH - one time at dinner which according to the majority on here is sacrilege!! God forbid, you should never call your other half whilst he's away and especially during dinner

It said it actually made him feel hurt that I NEVER ring him. This has been a discussion had many times before actually, and if you saw my drip feeds you would see me mentioning this as well.

He told me next time he's away, I should call him whenever especially if he hasn't replied to a txt as apparently that's "what partners do"

So sorry to burst your little assumption but he was saying the exact opposite of the majority on here!

By the way, you seem to excuse your behaviour on your GAD.

GAD is something that can be dealt with - you see a therapist, you manage it. It's not an excuse to behave like a controlling paranoiac.

He probably mentioned you not ringing him enough because he's worried that if you don't have contact every two minutes you're going to throw a fit in front of your children.

Why does he think you should have to call him because he hasn't replied to a text of yours? That's odd. Almost like he wants you to hassle him when giving the message he's busy... maybe he likes being made to feel extremely missed.

Works both ways though OP doesn't it?

Why is he not phoning you?

@starkid

I think you've hit the nail there.
He always mentions how I don't show him enough affection/attention. That's why I found it very frustrating when comments on here said I'm needy etc,
Ironically, when we split up he got with a woman and she dumped him because he was too needy, but anyway that's another story.

What seemed quite funny was when he mentioned his female colleague getting a call from her hubby when they were out to dinner , he said "look her fella calls her just for a chat why can't you do that to me?"
This was after I posted on here and almost every comment mentioned how bad it was if you rang your so whilst working away out with work colleagues, so I replied "but isn't that really rude whilst you're out eating, I'd find that awkward ringing you cos I would feel like I was intruding"
And he replied with no not at all if anything it shows you care and miss me!!

So needless to say, I'm really confused now. Tbf, he has made comments like this in the past: "why is it me always ringing and txting and you don't" kinda thing

I do thing my GAD gets the best of me and I obsess over him replying when in reality he probably just wants me to call (his phone is really annoying to txt on , I've even tried that out myself)