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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you be pissed off/annoyed , IABU?

255 replies

Issy777 · 04/12/2018 09:32

I don't know if I should kick up a fuss or not, I admit I'm quite paranoid due to my GAD which can spiral out of control...
So often works away, he can go for a week or three nights every month...
The last few times he went was difficult we always ended up arguing but I did say to him all I want is a little reassurance, like a phone call or a txt when he goes to bed etc. He usually goes with a female colleague.

Last night was first night, he rang at 5.20 but I had missed the call, so I txt him around 6, he replied saying he was eating out at Greek restaurant sent pic etc, then txt about two more txts back at fourth at about 7ish. The last txt I sent was 8, I had asked him if he was having a good night - trying my hardest not to be paranoid and just be nice/normal. It was delivered but
He never read it til 00.27!!!!
And then no reply
And even this morning no txt.

I'm so upset. I know I might be overreacting but the fact he didn't even reply to my txt or bother ringing or txting shows his disregard to me?

Also shows he probably went out drinking as why else would he be awake at that time? It doesn't explain why he didn't read msg straight away though or earlier. I don't wanna cause another row, he's there for two more nights and I'm just distraught at how he's behaved. AIBU?

For all the women who have partners working away what is the standard protocol for communication etc?

It doesn't help I've read about 5 threads on here in the past few weeks about DP/DH's living double lives having affairs whilst they've been "working away"

Please help me in what I should do next?

OP posts:
Rayn · 06/12/2018 23:42

My ex went mad when I asked him about cheating whilst working way. He completely denied it and was so annoyed at me for suggesting it.
As it goes I was right. Go with your gut.

Original poster
Issy777 · 07/12/2018 07:48

I don't know what to think now Sad with the mixed responses on here. MN is usually my comfort hub, I haven't even told friends about this yet!

The conversation goes like this:

Him: I'm sick of you acting like this every time I'm on deployment when I don't have a choice to go. I work 50 hour weeks then come home to this!

Me: (basically on the lines of apologising) sorry, but all it was down to just showing you care sending a goodnight txt

Him: no it's an insult you think I'm shagging a fat, ugly woman!!

(The colleague he goes away with is pretty chubby and he always mentions this as "why would I do anything with her")

Then more me apologising and just pleading for the kids (he was saying all of this in front of our dds whilst I'm crying 😢 )my poor eldest daughter was so upset

Saying that he doesn't care, "had enough", "was happier single"

Where do I go from this now? I can't keep making myself out to be so desperate. Fed up of crying and pleading, he Is having a work from home day today and I'm at work. I don't know what it's gonna be like when I'm back. Should I just pack my bags and go?

OP posts:
Original poster
Issy777 · 07/12/2018 07:49

@Rayn

I read that up on google too that if they go mad it can be a sure sign because they don't wanna be the ones to look bad and that's my dp all over. He always prides himself that he's perfect etc

OP posts:
sweeneytoddsrazor · 07/12/2018 07:59

I think your relationship is going to struggle to survive. From your posts it seems like you are determined to believe the worst of him. If he is having an affair then you will want to leave, but if he isnt cheating then you may well have driven him away. Perhaps you should go for some counselling together.

Original poster
Issy777 · 07/12/2018 08:19

@sweeneytoddsrazor
He'd never agree to counselling unfortunately he's very against all that

Just not sure what move to make now

OP posts:
NonaGrey · 07/12/2018 08:34

I don't know what to think now sad with the mixed responses on here.

But MN shouldn’t be telling you what to think about this. We aren’t there, we don’t know you or your DP.

MN is useful as a sounding board, giving you support or another perspective, it can’t say definitively whether your DP is cheating or not.

Step away from the thread, speak to a good friend who actually knows you both and might be able to identify if the way you are feeling is just a function of your anxiety or whether there is cause for concern.

Bringbackbertha · 07/12/2018 09:11

Op I am sorry this has happened.

You need to listen to your heart and your gut and really listen. Our intuitions are usually right.

I had 2 partners cheat on me.

The first one was late on in the relationship got his ex pregnant. Found out when I looked at his eBay and he had bought a book about being an expectant dad. He brushed it off as buying it for a friend so I gave him benefit of the doubt.... shouldn't have cause a few months later he admitted it (should have listened to my gut)

Second time there were signs early on but he reassured me... went to cinema with another girl said they were friends, we broke up when he went on holiday on Valentine's day with his "male"friend but he convinced me when away that he realised he wanted to be with me so I took him back. Was ok for 2 years until he got a valentines card and brushed it off as a joke. I found a male thong in his bag said he needed it for a stag do. He would never ever let me see his phone, would get angey if i even touched it. He was getting more and more distant and going to see frienda alot more. So I started checking his credit card statements and found payments for porn sites etc. That's when things unravelled. He ended up writing a letter cause he wasn't man enough to tell me. Each time I saw something I should have trusted my gut cause it was telling me that things weren't right.

Him insulting the colleague could be just that or it could be he is feeling guilty.

If your relationship isn't going to work and he wants out you need to go home take a deep breath and say to him that if he doesn't want to be with you and the kids anymore then he knows where the door is.

DistanceCall · 07/12/2018 09:48

How pathetic that I have to repeat on here that a discussion was had before when he previously went away about him letting me know when he was back at hotel.

How pathetic that you have to demand that your husband let you know when he is back at the hotel. He's not a five-year-old.

But of course what you really wanted to make sure that he wasn't fucking someone else.

Don't be surprised when he walks out on you.

Bringbackbertha · 07/12/2018 10:30

Distancecall please rtft before commenting because that is exactly what the op is having to deal with now after her husband was nasty to her in front of the children.

If you can't be helpful after reading her updates then p off

HoppingPavlova · 07/12/2018 11:52

Then more me apologising and just pleading for the kids (he was saying all of this in front of our dds whilst I'm crying 😢 )my poor eldest daughter was so upset

Tbh this relationship seems dysfunctional on so many levels. Why would you both be doing this in front of the kids? I think you would both be better off out of it.

Get counselling yourself, sort out any issues from your end, just ‘be’ with yourself, be happy, content etc then it’s a better base to springboard off if you wish to pursue a relationship in the future.

Original poster
Issy777 · 07/12/2018 12:36

@Bringbackbertha

Thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
Issy777 · 07/12/2018 12:37

@HoppingPavlova

He just started going mad in front of the kids when I asked him pleaser can we talk about i,just didn't listen and went off it

OP posts:
primoestate · 07/12/2018 13:59

I feel sorry for him.
All that pressure from you is going to push him away.
You are too high maintenance.

Original poster
Issy777 · 07/12/2018 16:02

@Bringbackbertha

Thank you for your sharing your experience, that must have been extremely hard for you and I'm so sorry that you went through it.

Yes I sometimes think he insults colleague as a diversion tactic but most ppl on here seem to think I'm overreacting! It's hard to put it into perspective, I think he has admitted she's nice to get on with and isn't that what an emotional fair is - not entirely physical but enjoying each other's company .
I just want a confession then I can feel I could just leave but I don't want to walk out without trying he could he like most posters are saying totally innocent

OP posts:
Original poster
Issy777 · 07/12/2018 16:04

@NonaGrey

Unfortunately none of my friend like him Sad for things he hat happened in last. My work colleagues who have met him don't know him tbh but have heard how he's treated me so former their own opinions

It's only his parents but they would take his side even though I get on with them

OP posts:
Original poster
Issy777 · 07/12/2018 16:06

In the past*

OP posts:
GhostSauce · 07/12/2018 16:20

OP I must jump in and say that an emotional affair isn't saying someone is a nice girl and good to get on with. That is not an emotional affair.

I have lots of male friends I get on well with and enjoy their company. Just as my DP has female friends.

What if there really is nothing going on?

Bluntness100 · 07/12/2018 16:44

Op, you need to take a step back and stop. I can see why he wishes to end it. I couldn't deal with this either.

I travel a lot, so does my husband, we are not kids, we don't need goodnight texts. We speak on the phone on average once per day for about two mins.

There is nothing to suggest he's cheating simply because she's a woman and she once cheated, it doesn't mean she wants to shag any bloke wnd it doesn't mean he wants to shag her just because she's a woman.

I mean seriously, with the best of intentions you need to get a grip as you're killing your relationship.

GhostSauce · 07/12/2018 17:11

I agree @Bluntness100

OP, if you don't trust him then you should leave him.

Can you have some therapy for you on your own, if he doesn't want to go?

SofiaDyer · 07/12/2018 17:16

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Arrowfanatic · 07/12/2018 17:52

OP, he's told you he isn't cheating and you say you still just want a confession. So you think he's a liar and a cheat and nothing he says will convince you otherwise.

You may be right, you may be wrong. But that doesn't matter because you're convinced you're right and he's a cheat, so you may as well break up. The trust is gone, the relationship is over.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 07/12/2018 18:22

Why do you need a confession to leave. If you dont want to stay just go

Kisskiss · 07/12/2018 19:07

Imagine for a second he has done nothing wrong, not cheated. It’s entirely possible this is the case.
You’ve gotten on his case AgAIN about not sending a text ( even though he called and texted you a few times that day) ... he’s telling you nothing went on but you don’t believe him . Instead of welcoming him home after his trip away you gave him the cold shoulder..not surprised at all he’s snapped and told you he wants out. From the conversation, It doesn’t sound like the first time you have done this to him. It’s not fair on him at all.

Bluntness100 · 07/12/2018 19:33

I agree it's very, very likely this man has no confession to make he doesn't remotely fancy his colleague or her him.

However I suspect this relationship is on the green mile, it really is just a dead man walking,

Grannyannex · 07/12/2018 19:41

I’d hate that, having to text my DH to say goodnight when I’m working away. I’m usually knackered by bedtime and just want to sleep.

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