Would you be pissed off/annoyed , IABU?

[Issy777]

I don't know if I should kick up a fuss or not, I admit I'm quite paranoid due to my GAD which can spiral out of control...
So often works away, he can go for a week or three nights every month...
The last few times he went was difficult we always ended up arguing but I did say to him all I want is a little reassurance, like a phone call or a txt when he goes to bed etc. He usually goes with a female colleague.

Last night was first night, he rang at 5.20 but I had missed the call, so I txt him around 6, he replied saying he was eating out at Greek restaurant sent pic etc, then txt about two more txts back at fourth at about 7ish. The last txt I sent was 8, I had asked him if he was having a good night - trying my hardest not to be paranoid and just be nice/normal. It was delivered but
He never read it til 00.27!!!!
And then no reply
And even this morning no txt.

I'm so upset. I know I might be overreacting but the fact he didn't even reply to my txt or bother ringing or txting shows his disregard to me?

Also shows he probably went out drinking as why else would he be awake at that time? It doesn't explain why he didn't read msg straight away though or earlier. I don't wanna cause another row, he's there for two more nights and I'm just distraught at how he's behaved. AIBU?

For all the women who have partners working away what is the standard protocol for communication etc?

It doesn't help I've read about 5 threads on here in the past few weeks about DP/DH's living double lives having affairs whilst they've been "working away"

Please help me in what I should do next?

He usually goes with a female colleague

this stands out for me. you think they are having an affair. If you do then it explains the paranoia and the frankly unreasonable expectations about contact.

If you do, then have that conversation with him, rather than all this micro-managing contact that is masking your real feelings. be honest about how you are feeling and how you are struggling. seek the reassurance from him, re-build the trust. make sure you spend time together at the weekends, have fun, make the most of the time you are together face to face. agree a reasonable contact pattern and take it from there.

If you want a bit of reassurance - I used to work away a lot, and spent lots of time with my good (male) friend/colleague. I only managed to speak to DH once a day , sometimes not even that - time is pressured and when out for meals/drinks with clients and colleagues you get caught up in that and don't think to text /call. We would do calls in the car to/from hotel and that helped my DH (and his DW) to feel reassured I think - me saying ' i love you, i miss you' to DH in earshot of my male colleague made everything really clear (and vice versa) - platonic, professional relationship, nothing to worry about for our OHs. We are still good friends now, many years on, and we go round for dinners and socialise as couples. it's all rather lovely.

talk to him.

@lightlypoached

Thank you, your response has been perfect. I am paranoid about the colleague mainly cos it's always her he ends up going away with. It was an actual workmate who put the doubt in cos they had said there's 8 people on the team that have to work away, why do they always end up going together?

Also, I'm really worried now as DP never rings me in front of colleagues EVER. That's made me now think there's something wrong with that from what you explained

OP try not to worry - not everyone is comfortable saying intimate stuff in front of colleagues so don’t read too much into that.
It’s good that you’ve acknowledged how you really feel. Next step is to talk to him honestly about how you feel and to hear his views on how he can reassure you without it getting too overbearing and disproportionate.
Keep talking. It’s always the best place to start.

@Giggling

Thank you, glad to see I'm not the only one with this sentiment!!

@lightlypoached

Thank you. Yes I swear to Christ, he has Never rang me front of work colleagues since being in this job (3 years) I did find it a bit odd but he'd put it off to stuff like "I'm always the driver" or "there's no need when I can ring you from hotel"

But you're right. Maybe, if he did that I'd feel better about this situation. The girl he works away with is married and once confessed to my dp she has cheated on her husband!! So no wonder I'm a paranoid wreck!

@Issy777

My OH is quite reluctant to talk/ say anything in front of the boys, the sort of lads they are they would (he thinks) give him a lot of stick for it. Probably not helped by me shouting ''I love yoooooou'' on the hands free but he has to suck it up, and in fairness as weve all got older he finds it less embarrassing.
Have a chat with your OH, tell him its bloody suspicious that he never talks to you when shes around, and why is that? id have to tell him or it would eat me up

It reads like he can’t win, no matter what he does, texts or says you will find another hurdle, another reason to be paranoid. The arguing and your general distraction by this must be really upsetting for your kids.

Whatever happens I think some more help for your anxiety can only be of benefit to you all. Best of luck.

The girl he works away with is married and once confessed to my dp she has cheated on her husband!! So no wonder I'm a paranoid wreck!

Surely the fact he told you that makes it less likely that he is having an affair with the woman (I presume she's an adult so not a girl)?

I generally won't make a personal phone call in front of a colleague, mainly because I am a private person and wouldn't feel comfortable doing so. It doesn't mean I'm having an affair.

I think you are pouncing on any replies that support your notion that he's having an affair while completely ignoring the vast majority of replies. You obviously don't trust your dh. Why is that? Do you have a history that means you find it difficult to trust partners or him specifically? It seems to me that you are intent on sabotaging your relationship rather than working to resolve the issues within it. Obviously you can't resolve the issues on your own but if you could figure out why you feel the way you do, that would be a start. When I say figure out why you feel that way, I mean why feel the need for such levels of reassurance and why you don't trust him, rather than thinking that it's his fault you feel this way because he won't communicate to your schedule.

Obviously, he could do what you want and call / text to the schedule you expect but I suspect that would not be enough and you would still want more and more reassurance.

As I have said previously, I have no idea whether he's having an affair but nothing you have posted would raise any flags for me with my dh.

let's say he was violently mugged or ran over by a car on the way back to the hotel. How would I know?

That makes no sense. How would you know anyway? If you didn't receive a call and he was not picking up because he was run over by a car on the way back to the hotel, realistically what are you going to do about it? Seriously, get on a plane and go scour the area your partner is meant to be in so you can see if you can find him lying on a road somewhere? I take it he has ICE on his phone. I take it he has his phone with him when he is out and about. Problem solved as you will be contacted by someone at some point. Seriously, he could be near death in a car accident 10 mins drive away from your home any morning or hit by a bus on his way to work 4 blocks away. The possibilities are endless! Are you going to have someone check in on every journey every day just in case.

I do get it though, one of my kids has GAD. They are utter catastrophisers. If you are 10 mins late then their mind automatically goes to some worse case scenario with you laying dead in a crash with a truck. You can't pander to this though and they need to control it with therapy. I would consider that before constantly checking that someone is safe.

I find the txt thing more of a reassurance he's safe and also that he is thinking/missing me and the kids.

Why would he be missing you and the kids though? Seriously, when I go away for work or indeed any other reason I don't miss DH or the kids. Why would I? I'm having a great time at conferences, catching up with colleagues I only ever see a limited number of times a year, having great conversation, eating nice food, drinking. I love my kids but I never missed the household, the endless drudge of making sure school uniforms were clean, making lunches, learning 2 mins before someone was due out the door that they needed (insert ridiculous item) for school that they have had 3 weeks notice to bring, forgot and they need it today. None of that's relevant anymore but I was more than happy to escape it all, not check in order to to be updated on such stuff or other domestic dramas like the dog throwing up or the fact that DH went to the chemists and picked up the routine scripts and got something next door at the bread shop.,And it was exactly the same when DH went away, I imagine he didn't miss home life at all and was happy to completely escape it for a few days. I can understand the whole missing home and wanting to insert yourself by phone/skype/whatever if you are away for weeks or months but a few days at a stretch, nah.

Of course this was all once the kids were over 9/10yo when they can appreciate they are not the centre of the universe and while a parent loves them it does not mean this love needs to be proven by talking with them every night if they are away for a few days. Before then they did not have this concept and the person away would have to do the obligatory call every afternoon/evening. Of course if something super exciting happened like a really special award at school or something then the other parent would ring so the child could share their excitement but that was the exception rather than the rule. Nowadays I don't want to hear from them if I'm away unless someone has died .

Just because you aren't thinking of home or missing household life or occupants doesn't mean you are out having it off with every Tom, Dick or Sally . I never have and doubt I ever will. I doubt DH has ever either. I'm sure if we thought each other were up to such antics we would have bigger problems than the whole phone contact saga.

Surely the fact he told you that makes it less likely that he is having an affair with the woman (I presume she's an adult so not a girl)?
Not at all. Some ppl will mention things like this just to see your reaction, or to put you off the scent, so to speak. And you'd think that if dh has told you this, so is well aware of what you know of her, he would also understand the need for reassurance while he's away with this delightful woman.

Any other signs of cheating OP?

I would utterly hate it if someone put pressure on me to call or text every single night. It would be horrible, and quite possibly make me not want to do it. These things have to be done because people actively want to, not because of some type of emotional blackmail. He quite possibly thought you'd been in contact a lot that day, had texted that evening, and that was enough? Possibly he forgot to text back, then saw your message at half twelve and thought it was too late to reply. I don't think texting/calling would make any difference to whether someone was having an affair or not, but feeling under a lot of pressure might make a difference to the frequency of texts. Personally I'd try to back off a little bit if you can. What if he gets back late and is tired and getting ready for bed and doesn't want to text? If you've texted in the evening, I think that would be enough, genuinely? I do understand why a big change would worry you but I honestly think that it's more likely to be from other reasons - you've said you've had a difficult few months. Sorry to hear that.

I hope the rest of his stay goes OK and you manage to work something out, like speaking once an evening or whatever works for both of you. But I'd really try to back off and relax on this 'you must text every night' thing because that's the road to resentments and ruin. Good luck.

he would also understand the need for reassurance while he's away with this delightful woman.

Seriously? If my dh told me a colleague is his had cheated, he most definitely wouldn't feel any need to reassure me and vice versa. We trust one another.

Some ppl will mention things like this just to see your reaction, or to put you off the scent,

Surely if he's this manipulative, he'd also follow the op's demands for calls and texts, in order to put her off the scent?

Most of you were right
He went absolutely mad and wants to finish says he sick of me acting like this every time he's away!
I did cold shoulder him when he came back that tends to be my response if I'm so hurt, now I don't know what to do.

He really is not talking to me and I've just stayed in the house but I think he wants me out from all the stuff he's said,

I’m very sorry for you OP but I’m not really surprised.

You don’t trust him. I’d find it very hard to

.. maintain a relationship with someone who didn’t trust me.

Seriously? If my dh told me a colleague is his had cheated, he most definitely wouldn't feel any need to reassure me and vice versa. We trust one another.

Well aren't you the lucky one? Yes, seriously. I also trusted my dh, until I found out he'd actually cheated. And I didn't find out from him, he was still denying it. So yes, I would think if one partner is asking for reassurance, the other should have enough empathy to reassure them, especially if they spend all evening socializing with a self confessed adulterous colleague. OP's dh knows she wants reassurance (and how much pressure is it to check in each day, really?), he knows his colleague who he spends every trip with is a cheat, and he's told OP this. Who knows why he told her, good intentions possibly, but he would know that it might make OP uneasy, seeing as she wanted reassurance in the first place.

Surely if he's this manipulative, he'd also follow the op's demands for calls and texts, in order to put her off the scent?

Yes, he could. But in my experience I found that dh would kick back at certain things because he was pissed off at being questioned, even though he'd actually cheated and was lying through his teeth. So, for eg, he'd deliberately not keep me updated with his travel schedule because he felt I was too controlling. Which I don't get, because I'm sure most ppl tell their partners what days they will be away and where they are going. I wasn't asking for every little detail. Just to know when he was going away, and where to. And any time I questioned anything, he'd get very aggressive. Leading to arguments. Which unfortunately seems to be what has happened to OP.
As far as I understand this thread, OP hasn't originally asked for anything more than a regular check in, which lots of ppl are happy to do. The problem is that her dh won't do it. And things escalate from there. What's his reason? It's not difficult. Lots of ppl on here manage it. It's deliberate meanness to not make the effort with your partner if you work away and they like to stay in touch (barring obvious communication dead zones/equipment failure etc).

@NonaGrey

But isn't there a way I can work through it? How can he just say it's over without even discussing etc

I'm inclined to believe there is something going on now and that's why he's reacted like he has done

@Madmozzie

Thank you. You get it from my POV completely

Can I ask how you caught your dh cheating? And am I right I'm thinking whilst he was working away?

Well, this escalated quickly.

I asked the OW outright, without him being aware I was going to do so. Via email, so it's all written down, otherwise it will be denied and twisted later. She admitted to a small part of it (while trying not to make herself look bad), and more of it came out when I confronted him with that information. They were both lying twats.

Sorry that your dh is reacting in the same way mine was when he wanted me to shut up. Hope you can find something out.

Just scanned the thread
OP IMO YANBU
I think you've been given a really hard time on here.
It astounds me how many cool wives are in MN.
I'd feel the same.
And I'm in a very loving and stable marriage.
I hope you're ok x

Well OP i'm shocked at the harsh nature of many of the comments on here. You were obviously in a difficult place emotionally before you posted this, and given his reaction I'd say there is definitely something not quite right.

yes, you may have been a pain in the arse, but a) it might have been with grounds, b) you needed better reassurance and for him to hear what was driving your actions and c) why the hell is it OK to suddenly end a long-term relationship without talking it through?

So many on here with harsh, condemning comments - coming from a place where they are so perfect, unemotional , rational and stable. How splendid to have your shit together all the time. How many of you have done nuts things in the past because you were madly in love with someone? Passion is a powerful thing and we don't always act rationally in its power.

I know OP asked whether she was BU but really, there is no need for such open hostility,

Aren't we women supposed to support and guide each other in times of distress? FFS have some empathy people. OP is having a hard time, don't make it harder.

@Issy777 if that was his initial reaction, it sounds possible that he had been getting involved with someone else.

Are you married? If so I'd stay put with the kids if I were you & he can be the one who leaves

The thing is, his behaviour is just as likely to be proof of his innocence as his guilt.

You think he’s guilty because:

He works away
He gets on well with his colleague
He doesn’t reply immediately to your every message

But none of these things are actually reasonable proof of cheating. Not anywhere near proof. Not even a solid indication.

As for discussing it reasonably? Consider it from his point of view, you aren’t open to discussing things reasonably.

You’re accusing him of cheating (on the basis of a missed text) and cold shouldered him.

In his shoes I'd be furious and deeply, deeply hurt. I doubt I’d think there was much to discuss either.

Relationships are based on mutual trust.

You don't trust him, not even minimally. Where is there to go from there really?

You want him to be providing constant and continual reassurance every night he’s away. You panic and jump to conclusions because he didn’t text you good night at midnight.

On the evidence of this thread there are pretty much no circumstances in which you’d have faith in his integrity.

What is there to talk through?

Do you want him beg? Swear he’s been faithful? I wouldn’t do that either.

I’m not a “cool wife” but I trust my DH and I’d need more than a missed text and a female colleague before I’d accuse him of something so terrible.

You seem to really think he’s cheating- so why do you even want to talk it through?

Aren't we women supposed to support and guide each other in times of distress? FFS have some empathy people. OP is having a hard time, don't make it harder.

Yes lightly but that doesn’t always mean telling them that they are right.

The OP posted that she has GAD. She’s had 7 pages of people telling her that her DP is definitely cheating on the basis of no evidence. Winding her up not calming her down.

And she had two threads on the same subject.

Is that really helping her?

I don’t think so.

MNers have wound her up so much she now seems to have dropped a bomb on her relationship.

That would be a terrible, terrible shame if he’s just a nice guy who hasn’t done a thing wrong.