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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so fucked off with selfish DP

193 replies

Pcastle · 03/12/2018 18:50

I’ve been looking forward to today for ages as we were to put up the Christmas tree and have mulled wine and sing Christmas songs with DP and DD today. It’s our first Christmas together (have been together nearly a year) so really wanted it to be special and fun.

DP sat on the sofa staring at his phone while me and two year old DD did the tree and reluctantly added one decoration after I asked him a few times to get involved.

I then spent 20 minutes making mulled wine from scratch with all the spices and citrus fruits etc and handed him a glass. DD insisted on being vigorously bounced to every Christmas song which was fun for about three songs then my arms started to ache and I wanted to drink my mulled wine so asked DP to take a turn which he flatly refused.

I eventually got pissed off and went into the other room for five minutes and in that time DD emptied a bottle of milk onto the kitchen floor as DP couldn’t be bothered to watch what she was doing.

I’m just really upset as he clearly can’t be arsed and the evening is pretty much ruined now as any Christmas spirit has completely gone out of the window.

He keeps saying he’s tired but I was up with DD three hours earlier than him this morning so I feel like he should realise that I’m pretty tired myself. AIBU and oversensitive or is he being selfish and inconsiderate?

Just really disappointed that our first proper Christmas thing as a family had turned out like this.

OP posts:
FascinatingCarrot · 03/12/2018 21:28

Robin, thats brilliant and Im genuinely chuffed for your family but it isnt the norm. Its why so many people are warning OP against this.

JustHereForThePooStories · 03/12/2018 21:33

OP, I utterly love Christmas. Absolutely fucking adore it.

That said, being made to sing carols with a toddler while drinking mulled wine on a Monday afternoon at the start of December would leave me cold, and probably make me cringe.

Yidette86 · 03/12/2018 21:37

Oh dear lord what is wrong with some posters today?

OP, ignore the grumpy feckers and anyone on here that just wants to criticise on the length of time you've been with dp.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 03/12/2018 21:39

YABU for being 'so fucked off with selfish DP' over a Christmas tree, carols and mulled wine. It sounds like my idea my DP's idea of hell that, however it is something that some people enjoy and there's nothing wrong with that but it obviously isn't for your DP.

You are still in the honeymoon phase, he may have thought that he'd enjoy it or maybe he had a bad day at work, I don't know , it could be anything but to be that annoyed over this is UR.

Regarding the moving in together, my DP and I moved in together after 8 months. We were long distance and there are no kids so I thought I might as well. We are still together 8 years later. However, I thought I knew him and I didn't. I don't think I really got to know him properly until 4-5 years into our relationship and we'd lived together a good few years then.

Yes, we're still together but we had some major issues that we had to work through and I'd have hated myself at that point if I had brought children into it.

I'm not having a go at you for moving in so early, I can't really speak but you can't know him properly and he can't know you properly. This incident has shown this.

Smallhorse · 03/12/2018 21:41

Sorry I’d hate the evening you had planned .

Walkingdeadfangirl · 03/12/2018 21:49

Hanging shiny tat on a tree isn't really a man thing. The trick is to use a few bottles of mulled wine and get him drunk before hand. Possibly hang some mistletoe nearby! Then maybe you stand more chance of him frolicking around a tree.

But you are being a bit unreasonable expecting him to look after your baby the way you would. To him its just another chore.

PeachCokeZero · 03/12/2018 21:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mummylife2018 · 03/12/2018 21:52

Well said Ozil10!!! Unbelievable!!

Robin2323 · 03/12/2018 21:52

Really confused about this year thing.
I mean can you ever be sure ?
What is a decent amount of time
Some couple court for years and get married only to end uk in the divorce courts.
Moving in after s couple of months while still in the honeymoon period, well that's kind of nuts.
But a year seems pretty sensible.

Mummylife2018 · 03/12/2018 21:55

BarbaraBarnacle I'm so sorry for your loss 😦 I'm also sorry you were made to bring it up. MN is a b*tch sometimes

PeachCokeZero · 03/12/2018 21:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Leobynature · 03/12/2018 21:59

I’m sorry for being a cow and I’m not saying that OP is one of these women.

One of my pet hates are women that have know their new DP for 5 mins and says he sees her children as ‘his own’

Women are too quick to leave a man they barely know with there children.

After 12 months I doubt he sees her as his own DD. If you ever separate there is a high chance that he will never bother with her again.

LittleScottieDog · 03/12/2018 22:02

My DH hates putting up the tree or decorations, won't wrap presents (except mine if I'm lucky), wouldn't drink mulled wine or sing carols (except perhaps on Christmas Eve). I do it all on my own and have a lovely time singing along to Christmas songs and necking wine (except this year as I'm pregnant!).

In fact, our first year together in our own flat, before we were married, he said he didn't even want a tree up! I ignored him and put one up anyway on my own. He likes looking at it every year now but won't help with it.

Your partner shouldn't have agreed to the evening if he didn't want to do it, but maybe he felt like he should say yes. Don't be too annoyed with him, just plan things for you and DD from now on and tell him what you're doing so he can choose to join in if he wants.

Yes, it'd be nice to have those special moments, but honestly, don't try to force them or you'll be disappointed. Just enjoy doing things with your DD and be happy he's in your life.

SilverySurfer · 03/12/2018 22:08

The majority of people on here would only just be starting to introduce their DC to a new man at around the year mark. You say We know each other well but obviously not well enough to know that he is really not interested in your sort of Christmas festivities. I wonder how many more differences you will discover after you've all moved in together?

Liveandletlive01 · 03/12/2018 22:10

I would explain to him that you were looking fwd to the tree, u made a massive effort making wine, if he can’t put a phone and enjoy all the effort and make a fuss over a little girl??!. Well if he apologies it’s not so bad but if not, he’s not the right guy for u

Nicknacky · 03/12/2018 22:24

I think the op needs to remember that she is an experienced mum. She was pregnant and has a two year old so has had nearly 3 years of “parenting”

Her boyfriend hasn’t, and presumably hasn’t got to grips with it all yet or how to act as a family. That must be a culture shock.

Arborea · 03/12/2018 22:26

She doesn’t have a dad but I don’t think it’s relevant to go into the ins and outs of that

On the contrary OP, there's nothing more seasonal than an immaculate conception! Halo

Commiserations on having a grinchy partner though Wine

Magenta46 · 03/12/2018 22:33

I haven't even though about trees and stuff and I'm a practising Christian. It's far too early in my opinion. I would zone out too.

lifetothefull · 03/12/2018 22:33

This seems like a normal part of working out what the other person is like in domestic situation. I was discussing with friends today about how putting Christmas tree up is often a source of arguement. You are not BU to be disappointed, but don't read too much into it.

Beaverhausen · 03/12/2018 22:34

Do and I moved in together after 2 years.

It all depends on the person to be honest, personally I would put off moving in together. Just to see whether this is going to be a habit of his.

Just remember OP he might be feeling pressured into everything and you need to sit down and talk to him before you change everything which can unravel within a few weeks.

PeachCokeZero · 03/12/2018 22:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Iloveautumnleaves · 03/12/2018 23:17

I’m sorry your afternoon didn’t go to plan...personally I think your plan sounded lovely...you can make me mulled wine any time you like and I’ll happily sing carols and hang ornaments on the tree!

Firstly, though, DD needs to understand ‘enough now’. Do not allow her to ‘demand’ anything or you’re on the high road to hell.

DP - well. You have a problem definitely, it’s just hard to know which one with very little information to go on.

If he genuinely sees her ‘as his own’ then WHY wasn’t he doing ‘the Daddy thing’ and making it special for her and why wasn’t he watching her when he was the only one there with her?

Irrespective of DD though, he agreed and acted excited about mulled wine, putting up the tree and went out with you to choose the decorations, so why the hell was he a moody git later on? Ask him.

I have to say though, I’d have said ‘No’ to bouncing DD because I REALLY do NOT do toddlers getting their stroppy demands given into.

It does seem feasible though, that you think he sees her as his own, whereas he sees her as an add on to you that he’s not responsible for, either literally or emotionally.

Obviously you plan isn’t everyone’s thing, but he should either have said ‘No, you do that with DD, I’ll go and do y’ or ‘Yes, sounds great’ and joined in properly. Saying yes, then being a disinterested moody git isn’t acceptable.

I’d want a few things sorted out before he moved in, This attitude would be a biggie for me. Say what you mean and mean what you say. Honesty. It’s not a difficult concept.

Also, I’d keep the tenancy (mortgage?) in my sole name so that my & DD’s home would still be ours if it didn’t work out. She has you and she has her home, she’ll be fine if it doesn’t work out, don’t let that keep you in a relationship that’s not working in the future.

Motoko · 03/12/2018 23:53

It'll all end in tears.

DistanceCall · 04/12/2018 00:39

Moving in after 1 year when you're single? No, not too soon.

Moving in after 1 year when you have a small child who isn't his? Yes. Far too soon.

Pearl87 · 04/12/2018 00:50

After 12 months I doubt he sees her as his own DD. If you ever separate there is a high chance that he will never bother with her again.

I agree - I don't think it's fair to encourage her to see him as a dad at such an early stage. You have to consider the potential impact on your daughter if you split up. How many people have a close relationship with a man who was their mother's partner for a few years? If you split up and he has children of his own with someone else, I doubt he will treat her the same as he treats them. Honestly, would you be happy if you had children with a man and he made it clear that he saw them as no more of a priority than his ex-girlfriend's child, to whom he has no legal or biological connection? It's pretty rare for that to happen.

And if course she has a dad! How else could she be have been conceived in the first place? Even if the man in question is a complete bastard, he's still her dad. Doesn't mean he necessarily deserves access or anything like that, but there's no point in denying his existence. Your daughter will probably want to know more about him as she grows up.