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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so fucked off with selfish DP

193 replies

Pcastle · 03/12/2018 18:50

I’ve been looking forward to today for ages as we were to put up the Christmas tree and have mulled wine and sing Christmas songs with DP and DD today. It’s our first Christmas together (have been together nearly a year) so really wanted it to be special and fun.

DP sat on the sofa staring at his phone while me and two year old DD did the tree and reluctantly added one decoration after I asked him a few times to get involved.

I then spent 20 minutes making mulled wine from scratch with all the spices and citrus fruits etc and handed him a glass. DD insisted on being vigorously bounced to every Christmas song which was fun for about three songs then my arms started to ache and I wanted to drink my mulled wine so asked DP to take a turn which he flatly refused.

I eventually got pissed off and went into the other room for five minutes and in that time DD emptied a bottle of milk onto the kitchen floor as DP couldn’t be bothered to watch what she was doing.

I’m just really upset as he clearly can’t be arsed and the evening is pretty much ruined now as any Christmas spirit has completely gone out of the window.

He keeps saying he’s tired but I was up with DD three hours earlier than him this morning so I feel like he should realise that I’m pretty tired myself. AIBU and oversensitive or is he being selfish and inconsiderate?

Just really disappointed that our first proper Christmas thing as a family had turned out like this.

OP posts:
BirthdayKake · 03/12/2018 19:37

Completely agree, Ozil. If these people really care about the OP why not PM her some advice privately?

PrettyLovely · 03/12/2018 19:37

FascinatingCarrot thats your opinion, I have mine.

Notacluethisxmas · 03/12/2018 19:37

Ozil10 anyone with an ounce of sense can see the Dp clearly doesn't see the child as his. They aren't on the same page.

Ozil10 · 03/12/2018 19:40

C0untDucku1a

Who are you or anyone else on this thread to say it is too soon to anyone? Is there a list of dating and moving in rules MNetters must follow before the relationship is deemed at a suitable stage for each level of commitment? She hasn't asked for any advice about them moving in together, she's discovered one thing that he doesn't like doing and now everyone seems to jump on that as a reason to say it's too soon.

If you care that much about her wellbeing and it being too soon, PM her some advice, don't become a vulture feeding from the drama of a clutch of women who because it doesn't meet their criteria for moving in deem it unacceptable.

PrettyLovely · 03/12/2018 19:43

Totally agree Ozil10

TwistedStitch · 03/12/2018 19:43

How can he see your DD as his own when you've been together less than a year? Presumably you waited to introduce them so he can only have known her a few months.

Dragonbait · 03/12/2018 19:44

I feel your pain on this one OP! I think Christmas (and sometimes holidays) is one of those things where we build a dreamy image in our head and then are easily disappointed. I walked around an open air museum in tears last year because my husband and 2 DD's were miserable and spoiled my festive ideal! My kids are 14 and 11 now and this has happened for years! Every year I say I won't let my expectations get too high but I can't help wanting that christmas image. It's happened a few times in the last 14 years ha! Next week we're off to York for a festive day out. Will see what that brings! You're not in the wrong to want it - I just think life has a habit of being disappointing sometimes!! xx

PeachCokeZero · 03/12/2018 19:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

theworldistoosmall · 03/12/2018 19:45

Ah right, so from now rather than posting public advice that could help the op and possibly others, we shouldn't do that? Instead, we should dm each other? Are you actually for real?
It's not how forums work. If you agree with everything the op says post on the forum. The rest of you keep your opinions to yourself or dm the op.
Everyone can post on a forum, and this also includes reading the non-fluffy stuff.
How attacked would the op feel if she was getting some of these as DM's?

Chloe84 · 03/12/2018 19:47

And now everyone has jumped on her because he didn't want to put up decorations to decide they shouldn't move in together?!

No one has said this, calm down Ozil.

OP, you've gone from being 'fucked off with selfish DP' to being very defensive. No one is saying yo shouldn't move in with him because of the decorations, just to be careful as a year isn't very long.

barbarabarnacle · 03/12/2018 19:47

Well said @Ozil10. I'm really shocked by how judgemental many have been.

I've been with my partner for nearly 5 years, and lived together for most of that time also. We are the best of friends and I would consider we have a strong relationship. However, there are still times when his lack of enthusiasm about certain things might hurt my feelings (and vice versa!). I think that's to be expected from any relationship, and at any time in a relationship.

Maybe you've overreacted a little, but we are all guilty of that. My advice would be to just have a wee chat about it - get your feelings out in the open! - and then have a cuddle and put it behind you. Life is too short to let something like this get between you.

Enjoy a wonderful first Christmas together! Smile

PeachCokeZero · 03/12/2018 19:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PyongyangKipperbang · 03/12/2018 19:49

Well leaving aside the whole issue of how long you have been together......

I love decorating the tree. The kids go nuts with baubles and lights and I get stuck in to the Baileys, we usually put the Xmas songs channel on too. But it is organic, if we start singing then it just happens, its not all forced and planned to the Nth degree. Also, I do it much closer to Xmas due to DD2's birthday so its usually about the 21st and we really very Xmassy by then. Of course he isnt enthusiastic, its only the 3rd!

barbarabarnacle · 03/12/2018 19:51

@PeachCokeZero - Not that it's any of your business, but none, thank you. We did have our daughter together 18 months ago, but she passed away in June. Thanks for asking.

BabySharkAteMyHamster · 03/12/2018 19:51

You need to stop watching Christmas movies. Grin

That sounds ridiculously OTT, you're expecting too much. Stop trying to get him to play dad, he isnt her dad. And I wouldnt expect a guy i'd been with a year to take on that role.

C0untDucku1a · 03/12/2018 19:51

Ozil you do realise op has publicly asked for advice on a public forum? To pm would be weird.

And again, nobody has issue with his lack of enthusiasm for christmas decorations...

daffodillament · 03/12/2018 19:51

Just stick your decs up and enjoy your evening with dc and boyfriend. Crikey, if he just wants to sit and chill just bloody let him..Its a bit unreasonable to expect him to be as excited as you are ! Polish off the mulled wine too..I would !

Bumbelinadance · 03/12/2018 19:53

Op
Lots of judgeypants replies here
Stop please .. we are here to support not judge

Many reasons biological fathers not involved
You are not required to explain yours before you seek our help and advice
I assume he isn’t expected to explain .???

No it isn’t cool to say you will do the Christmas thing with a child and mother you are moving in with and then not
Obviously
Don’t say you will then don’t when a small person involved.

Can you have a bit of a chat tomorrow or next couple days op .
...??
Figure out if expectations align or not ...??? Before you move in ..??

Stage fright and getting it wrong is forgivable perhaps
Fuckwittage isnt

I wish you a very merry Christmas op
I bet you made it fabulous for your little one and this is what they will remember

Workreturner · 03/12/2018 19:53

He “sees DD as his own”

You’ve been together a year.

The naivety of some is astonishing. I’m a single parent. My children will not have met a partner in the time it has taken you to move one in and see him as a father figure for your daughter.

TheyBuiltThePyramids · 03/12/2018 19:53

It's Monday night. If I had come home from work and was expected to do tree decs and mulled wine and forced singing I wouldn't be hugely impressed. We put our tree up yesterday when there was plenty of time for it and didn't make nearly so much of a fuss. A baby isn't going to care anyway.

daffodillament · 03/12/2018 19:53

You need to stop watching Christmas movies Ha ha !

53rdWay · 03/12/2018 19:53

I don't like making a big performance of putting up the Christmas decorations either, but I wouldn't sit there on my phone refusing to participate in something that meant a lot to the rest of my family either. That's the sort of behaviour most of us grow out of as teenagers.

I would chalk this up to useful information that you now know about him though. Is this how he will act any time you and him care about different things? That could get tiring.

MadameButterface · 03/12/2018 19:54

Oh dear was your instagram story ruined? Honestly, you don’t know this person. Does he often nod along with plans and then just do his own thing? It sounds like you need to keep it more casual and low pressure from now. And stop letting your dd see him as her father. If it doesn’t work out (and it’s still early days) she will be upset and confused.

Bumbelinadance · 03/12/2018 19:56

Barbara
My biggest ever love
I wish I could take some of it from you

daffodillament · 03/12/2018 19:58

Bumbledance you are a bit harsh on the bf. He did afterall put a bauble on the tree ! Grin But he didn't dance and sing and get bolloxed on mulled wine ! Crikey..string him up ! Grin Op sounds like hard work actually. Sorry Op !

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