To be so fucked off with selfish DP

[Pcastle]

I’ve been looking forward to today for ages as we were to put up the Christmas tree and have mulled wine and sing Christmas songs with DP and DD today. It’s our first Christmas together (have been together nearly a year) so really wanted it to be special and fun.

DP sat on the sofa staring at his phone while me and two year old DD did the tree and reluctantly added one decoration after I asked him a few times to get involved.

I then spent 20 minutes making mulled wine from scratch with all the spices and citrus fruits etc and handed him a glass. DD insisted on being vigorously bounced to every Christmas song which was fun for about three songs then my arms started to ache and I wanted to drink my mulled wine so asked DP to take a turn which he flatly refused.

I eventually got pissed off and went into the other room for five minutes and in that time DD emptied a bottle of milk onto the kitchen floor as DP couldn’t be bothered to watch what she was doing.

I’m just really upset as he clearly can’t be arsed and the evening is pretty much ruined now as any Christmas spirit has completely gone out of the window.

He keeps saying he’s tired but I was up with DD three hours earlier than him this morning so I feel like he should realise that I’m pretty tired myself. AIBU and oversensitive or is he being selfish and inconsiderate?

Just really disappointed that our first proper Christmas thing as a family had turned out like this.

Op, no one here can reasonably decide if you've moved in together too early or not. My now DH moved in with me after 5 months and we've been together for 13 years and have 3 kids. But of course we didn't have kids when he moved in.

As for today, honestly it sounds like he was tired whilst you were bouncing with barely contained Xmas glee. I LOVE Xmas but even I would have been wanting the ground to open up underneath me if DH had declared we were to decorate the tree and sing carrots whilst drinking disgusting mulled wine and bouncing a toddler. Sounds a bit like you wanted to morph back to the 19th century a bit there. You do need to manage those expectations, honestly you sound a bit immature with what your plans were.

We decorate our tree, we may have the Xmas music channel on in the background, I may even drink wine but here is the key, FUN CAN'T BE FORCED because then it just isn't fun anymore. Slow down OP or your Xmas spirit will be burned out before 25th.

Sing carrots clearly that should be carrols

I was going to say he sounds grumpy about the tree - my husband isn’t exactly Mr Christmas spirit but we always make an evening out of putting the tree up with dc and then drinking hot chocolate together etc BUT honestly if this isn’t his daughter and you’ve only been together 11 months it all seems a bit forced?!

Well it’s family life isn’t it? Even if you’re not personally that excited it’s lovely for small children to decorate the tree and when you are a parent you make it an enjoyable thing to do together. He does sound miserable tbh and I don’t think it sounds as if he sees your child as his own or he would have made more of an effort.

Did you conceive with donor sperm?

You win the thread’s “Ultimate Batshittery and CF” award @PeachCokeZero

Agree with @Ozil10 that the main “crime” here is that the OP is trying to make this into an outtake from Love Actually or something and that the DP was just totally disengaged.

OP, you have a 2 year old and are still navigating a relatively newish relationship. Don’t add on pressure trying to make it “perfect”.

YABU to be fucked off re the tree etc but YANBU to be fucked off he wasn’t keeping an eye on DD after you asked.

Some folk just hate all the tinsel twattery of the festive season.

I understand why your upset. It would upset me to.

I met my husband when my dad was 1. We moved into our own home about a year later. We have now been together for 17 years married for 12. We have 2 sons biologically together. And my dd calls him dad and sees him as her dad. She asked to call him dad when she was around 5. OP you know this man and if your happy go for it. It worked for me.
As for the Christmas thing. Me and my husband had a argument about how to put the Christmas lights on. I cried because like you every year I want the whole Christmas film moment like you do. It never happens. Lol.

God arent you all a bunch of miserable twats tonight.

"You dont know him at all"

Ah yes, of course. We strangers on the internet know much more about the man op is in a relationship with, than she does.

This would be my idea of hell . You can't make people like what you like .Bet he only agreed to keep the peace. Some people love this type of thing some people hate it

You had a child two years ago. You met a man - not her father - last year.

Aren't you going a bit too fast, given that you have a small child?

I moved in with my dh after just four weeks. I was 20 years old and eighteen years later were still happy (like he annoys the fuck out of me at times don't get me wrong but it's mostly good). Moving in quickly can and does work.

It was quick and while it felt right to me, it was only me who'd get hurt if it went tits up, as whirlwind fast romances often do.

If anything happened and I found myself single I genuinely wouldn't have introduced a boyfriend to my child until I knew him properly. I'd say a year of dating before introducing him to my child and even then it would be casually, def not loving with her and her thinking he's her In less than a year.

Like I say I lived with my dh after four weeks and even being in the same house together I still didn't fully know him after a year.

Who's idea was the mulled wine from scratch and singing carols? Was it you suggesting this and him going along with it? It can be very hard to say no to someone who's acting all excited about something. If it's something you and your family do he could have acted enthusiastic because it's a very new relationship still and you're in the honeymoon period still.

Him showing no interest in Christmas prep shows that you don't actually know him that well, you thought he was into all this and he isn't so I'd be rethinking what else you think you knew about him.

Have you discussed finances? Discipline of dd if he's expected to look after her and she misbehaves? Housework rota so he's doing his share?

I know you've said her biological father isn't around, all the more reason to not confuse her into thinking your boyfriend is her father and to not rush into anything. If he genuinely does love her like she's is own Daughter he will want what's best for her too. If it's the real thing you have the rest of your lives together, if it goes wrong then better your dd hasn't had the rug pulled from under as well as you.

I'm not saying don't move in at all, I'm saying taking a lot longer to get to know him as a person and boyfriend and then see what he's like as a dad rather than all at once.

FWIW I don't think you need to be doing Xmas prep just you and dd. If I lived in a house with small children no matter how much I hated Xmas I wouldn't sit there miserable and ruin it for a small child. (Wouldn't agree to wine and carols either but I'd be putting decorations on the fucking tree and smiling). If he's like this every Xmas then dd will pick up on his lack of interest as she gets older too.

Best of Luck

😋🤣🤣

I knew there was a reason I hadn't been on this site for a while and here it is. All the sanctimonious perfect people telling the op she doesn't know her partner well enough to move in together.

Fucks sake! Ignore them op!

As for the Xmas tree thing, I can understand why you feel a bit deflated because in your head you probably had 'perfect first Christmas together' but in reality, you have a two year old, a normal bloke with normal feelings and life is really not an Instagram post.

Don't give him a hard time. Take time to just enjoy being together and let things happen.

Sometimes the best memories are the unexpected ones, not the ones we imagined we'd have.

He “sees DD as his own”

this is worrying

Ive been with my DP for 16 years
I have an 18 year old
DP and I have a son together

DP does not see my 18 year old as his own, though they love each other and he treats her no different to his son

Still sulking in the garden OP?
Personally I hate the overhyped jollity at Christmas, perhaps your DP's the same?

It is three weeks to Christmas and putting decorations up on the 3rd December is very early still. Perhaps he saves his Christmas excitement for nearer to the actual day?

Sorry OP but I cringed reading your post. It's so obvious that you are trying to replicate your vision/adverts/social media depicting family life, and it all sounds so staged. You are going to make yourself, and everybody else, miserable if you try to force impossible ideals onto this situation. Blended and step families can be really hard even when everyone in the family is committed to making things work, and they evolve over time. The instant gratification of all singing carols together whilst decorating the tree isn't real. All bonding over time and letting all of the relationships develop until life becomes a natural family life is real. He isn't a dad, and isn't your daughter's dad, so this is all new to him. More importantly he is very new to your daughter and she needs her relationship with your boyfriend to grow at a natural pace. If you are moving in together you may find that there are many more battles/differences of opinion/different values that you discover.

Daffodil
No I don’t think i am too harsh on bf
It’s a little child
It’s xmas
Don’t talk it if you won’t walk it
Sorry But i disagree

Op it's obvious you had this amazing picture in your head like something out of a Christmas film. Reality check - life isn't like that !!! Being forced to sing Christmas songs sounds like hell to me.

I won't say about the moving in thing as that's your choice and you know it it's right. However based on this post alone, it's like you're desperate to have a family unit and for everything to be perfect. but you must still be careful with saying this new bloke is your daughter's dad, etc. It's still early days for the relationship and things could go tits up.

Cripes op. Lower your expectations of Christmas and family life.

I get you OP. Tree decorating is really important to me and my favourite part of the holidays apart from watching the children open their presents. My ex bf was a total grinch last Christmas and it was one of the last few nails in the coffin of our relationship.

You weren't expecting too much because he AGREED to the plans. He then sat on his phone like an ignorant bastard and let you down. You have every right to be pissed of.

Now you have been let down over this I'd bet my bottle of baileys that there's been other times he's let you down too.

Regardless of whether or not he acts like her dad, when the parent goes out of the room, you keep an eye on the child. That's what anyone decent would do. Doesn't matter if you're a friend, a neighbour, a colleague you trust, family member or whatever, anyone with any decency would have kept an eye on what the child was doing. He didn't. That says a lot about him.

This is a fairly minor thing in the great scheme of things but I'd urge you to look at the rest of your relationship as I doubt it's just this that has caused you upset over the past 11 months.

Why is he moving in "over a month"?? Seems odd.

I hope you have a lovely Christmas with your DD. This Christmas for me is so far, far better than last Christmas because the grinch isn't sucking my Christmas spirit away. He really put a dampener on my Christmas last year so I'm glad I'm single now. Don't let your grinch ruin your Christmas and that of your dd.

We’re in the process of moving in together

I'd rethink that till you are absolutely sure that you are on the same page regarding parenting and being a family. I can't decide from this one incident if it is a one off communication problem or if he isn't that interested in a family role. You need to be certain of this before you make decisions that might be hurtful for you and your DC in the future.

And also - why were you sitting in the garden after all this had happened ??

Well done Ozi10
Me and dp moved in together in under a year.
Been married 20 years.
Daughter was 3.
Love each other more than ever.
My parents married 13 months

Post too soon.
My parent married after 13 months. This back in the 50's.
A year was always considered a respectable amount of Time.
Hardly rushing