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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Moving to LA leaving partner and children behind

158 replies

user1499173618 · 03/12/2018 16:51

An old friend has just told me she is moving to LA. Her partner and her two children (11 and 14) aren’t going with her. I find this really weird. AIBU?

OP posts:
WhenISnappedAndFarted · 03/12/2018 18:59

Has she been offered a really good job?

My DF moved out a bit to America because he was offered an amazing job and salary that he would never get over here. We didn't move because my DM wanted to stay in the UK and didn't want to uproot us.

Original poster
user1499173618 · 04/12/2018 16:46

She’s been offered a move within her company, yes. Her partner travels for work constantly so the children will mostly be at home with the housekeeper.

OP posts:
KC225 · 04/12/2018 16:51

If her partner travels a lit why doesn't she take the children with her?

Piffpaffpoff · 04/12/2018 16:52

I wouldn’t do it but fair play to her - I wish I’d have the nerve to if the opportunity presented it. If husband is off with his work most of the time why should she not take her own chances? Plenty of folk do it with kids in boarding school.

Klobuchar · 04/12/2018 16:53

Why isn’t she taking the kids, did she say? Is it schooling reasons?

Birdie6 · 04/12/2018 16:55

The children would be better off in boarding school. Who leaves kids with a housekeeper ? She is there to look after the house, not to bring up their kids for them.

HollowTalk · 04/12/2018 16:57

Why fair play to someone who's leaving their children in another country? I wouldn't say that about a mum or a dad.

Cuddlykitten123 · 04/12/2018 16:59

Presumably this wouldn't be a long term arrangement... is she just going alone for 6 months to make sure she likes the job and get them set up before moving the whole family?

BunsOfAnarchy · 04/12/2018 17:00

If it works for their family, then whats the issue?

Original poster
user1499173618 · 04/12/2018 17:03

No, there is no intention of moving the whole family. Her partner’s job is not mobile - he travels a lot but not especially to the US and his office is in the family’s home city.

OP posts:
Original poster
user1499173618 · 04/12/2018 17:05

TBH I was so surprised that I didn’t ask her many questions. She did say she might move her children later, if they wanted.

OP posts:
Strokethefurrywall · 04/12/2018 17:07

How old are the kids?

Original poster
user1499173618 · 04/12/2018 17:08

11 and 14

OP posts:
toolazytothinkofausername · 04/12/2018 17:09

I would do it. My boys have a close relationship with their dad, we can talk on Skype daily, and we could visit each other during school holidays.

Howdoyoudoit31 · 04/12/2018 17:10

Yanbu, I wouldn’t do it to my children.

CheshireChat · 04/12/2018 17:12

So why isn't their dad cutting back on traveling for work as presumably this is a great opportunity for her?

PurdysChocolate · 04/12/2018 17:12

My Dad moved to the US for awhile (can't remember the time line - maybe for a year?) but he worked all the time anyway and my mom was a SAHM so he wasn't missed.

I think he moved back before we all then moved the US with him, fairly abruptly.

5fivestar · 04/12/2018 17:12

My ex husband did it, nobody batted an eyelid. Got himself a new bird out there to stave off any loneliness too. Nobody batted an eyelid. God help a woman if she did the first part never mind the second

Original poster
user1499173618 · 04/12/2018 17:13

Oh her partner definitely doesn’t have any kind of option for cutting back on travel.

OP posts:
Bowchicawowow · 04/12/2018 17:13

I know a girl who’s family set up is similar to this. She is lovely but quite damaged by the experience. For that reason I wouldn’t do it in a million years.

GreenMeerkat · 04/12/2018 17:15

Is it a permanent move?

I wouldn't have so much of an issue if they were being left with another parent but the housekeeper? No. That's weird.

VibeTribe · 04/12/2018 17:15

YANBU

The “fair play to her” attitude is too try hardy. I don’t think fair play to her at all. It sounds quite revolting actually and those are ages when children need the most guidance.

NotUmbongoUnchained · 04/12/2018 17:15

I couldn’t do it but I wouldn’t judge someone who did

MrsMWA · 04/12/2018 17:17

Where is the Mom based OP? This is perfectly normal in Asia. Parents often travel extensively for work (or live in another country for work) and leave their children in the care of housekeepers/drivers/nannies etc. Are the grandparents around too? Often the employer can’t get a visa to sponsor the whole family so the kids need to be left behind. Or the country the working parent is moving to can’t supply the wrap around care that makes the mom’s high level job possible. Not everyone lives in an environment that allows flexible working and ‘work life balance’.

LegoAdventCalendar · 04/12/2018 17:18

Wow, no one would judge a man who did this. A mate of mine did this for a year. She's an academic and got an amazing job at a university. Her kids at the time where in crucial years in secondary school. Her husband also travelled for work a lot. They had a very competent housekeeper and nanny and hired in additional support. So?

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