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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Moving to LA leaving partner and children behind

158 replies

user1499173618 · 03/12/2018 16:51

An old friend has just told me she is moving to LA. Her partner and her two children (11 and 14) aren’t going with her. I find this really weird. AIBU?

OP posts:
nottakingthisanymore · 04/12/2018 17:40

There isn’t any sum of money that would tempt me to move to a different country from my kids let alone another continent. If it’s ok with her kids then there isn’t an issue. Personally I could never do it.

BehemothPullsThePeasantsPlough · 04/12/2018 17:40

I wouldn’t judge either man or woman who took a temporary posting abroad if the other parent was willing and able to take up the slack, and look after the DC (with or without a WOH job) but if both parents were buggering off on a regular basis then I’d be Hmm and share the judging between the two of them.

Original poster
user1499173618 · 04/12/2018 17:42

I think it's sad for the dc and I'd like to hear more from people who grew up with this sort of arrangement.

The thing is, my friend grew up with this sort of arrangement and went through years of distress/unhappy relationships/therapy, all the while complaining about it. And now she’s doing the same thing to her family. It’s as if it were destiny.

OP posts:
LegoAdventCalendar · 04/12/2018 17:47

*I think it's sad for the dc and I'd like to hear more from people who grew up with this sort of arrangement.

And I would judge a father extremely harshly if he did this (though maybe a lot of people wouldn't)*

I did. It was my father. I'm proud of him. He was an excellent father. My mother enjoyed a stellar career, too. She was an excellent mother. They still are. Now he and my mother enjoy a very comfortable retirement, have been married for 54 years and have provided very well for themselves. Their careers enabled us to have successful careers ourselves, no debts starting out, we've both flown the next, married happily and have our own families. Kids grow up, they leave home, hopefully, to find their own feet.

But let's start a judgey thread about a so-called friend and continue to drip feed to hopefully gain more judgement on her so we feel morally superior about ourselves and our life choices.

LegoAdventCalendar · 04/12/2018 17:49

What about military families? There's a current show on C5 called Warship. The captain is a female who is married with family. How dare she enjoy such a career and have kids?!

My sister's SIL is now retired from the Forces. She achieved a very high rank in her career, is married with 4 adult children now, 2 now serving themselves. It involved a lot of time away, but they made it work as a family.

How dare women take jobs abroad!

Get a life!

Original poster
user1499173618 · 04/12/2018 17:50

You are very defensive and emotional, Lego.

OP posts:
LegoAdventCalendar · 04/12/2018 17:50

It's nice, too, now they are older, to know that we can source help privately for them should they become infirm, to assist in our care for them.

ihearttc · 04/12/2018 17:50

My DH works in another country and me and our 2 boys (13 and 8) live here.

I wasn't prepared to live in the country where he works and all his work is based so it was either he didn't have a job or I stayed here with them.

It works for us. My children are both happy, well adjusted children who understand that it's Dad's job. In my eyes its no different to being posted abroad with the armed forces. They have the most amazing holidays and experiences because of the situation. They speak to Dad every night through FaceTime.

Original poster
user1499173618 · 04/12/2018 17:53

I have supported my friend a great deal, including travelling to other countries when she was sad and lonely on a posting she didn’t enjoy and inviting her for Christmas with my family. She takes a lot from her friends and even cries at the memory of when she was taken care of because her own family had fallen apart. I find it all really weird.

OP posts:
RB68 · 04/12/2018 17:53

I think if this was something I chose to do (at 11 not sure youngest is old enough for a permie sitch) I think I would be looking at boarding school at least for the 11 yr old - 14 less so as there is less child care as such more running round and a housekeeper/babysitter could do this with no great harm I don't think - provided communication e.g. skyping etc was good. I would also be looking to come back for a long weekend at least once a month

kateandme · 04/12/2018 17:53

I don't judge her.she knows her family right?so wouldn't do anything to harm them.i just know I really needed my mum at this age so I would have been devastated.

LegoAdventCalendar · 04/12/2018 17:53

You are very defensive and emotional, Lego.

Haaahaa! You're hilarious, user, because people don't agree that you started a nasty, judgey thread about your friend that they are automatically defensive and emotional? I for one like my friends. If I felt they were making a decision that might be detrimental to their family I would express my opinion to them personally, if I were asked to, rather than start a thread about them on a huge internet forum that is regularly scoured by tabloids for source material that could embarrass or shame them because again, I like my friends and don't hang out with people whom I don't respect or sneer at them behind their backs on sites like MN.

LegoAdventCalendar · 04/12/2018 17:54

Keep on drip feeding! Classic!

grumiosmum · 04/12/2018 17:54

My DP spent 18 months working on the US west coast when our kids were primary school age.

Everyone managed fine and there were no long-term ill effects!

We had a couple of amazing holidays over there (funded by his employer) and he was home for regular extended visits - plus Skype calls all the time.

The only inconvenience was the time difference when I needed to discuss mundane issues like plumbing with him!

StatisticallyChallenged · 04/12/2018 17:55

I'd judge a man or woman who did this in this situation- i.e. where the other parent is already travelling a lot. And I say that as a woman who travels quite extensively for work; I only took my current role after discussion with DH and knowing that his job means he's local.

BruegelTheEIder · 04/12/2018 17:56

Clearly if you only speak to your child every now and then via videocall, your relationship with them is not going to be as close as if you live with them and see them every single day.

If a person is happy with that AND they are absolutely sure that the children are not negatively affected by it, then fine. I personally would never want that distance from my own children though, and thankfully neither would my OH. I would rather change jobs than live like that.

BarbarianMum · 04/12/2018 17:56

I would totally judge a set of parents where neither could be arsed to be their consistently for their kids.

christmaschristmaschristmas · 04/12/2018 17:58

I would do it but I'd put the kids into boarding school and fly them out/fly home for holidays.

Not a massively big deal IMO. But you need to have good family support in the UK for kids for exeat etc.

Flowerpot2005 · 04/12/2018 17:58

I do think good in her...but only if all was well within the family & im not 100% sure it is.

Bad ages for children to have such an emotional situation to deal with. That said, if your friend is as emotionally unavailable as I suspect she is, then it could be a calmer, less stressful, environment for them without her. Dad may reassess after a while, you never know what the future will bring.

Conventicle · 04/12/2018 17:58

Gosh, I don't get the outrage. I can think of quite a few academics I know, male and female, who work in a different country to where their family lives. I wouldn't rule it out myself. Normal when you have two careers in a household.

LakieLady · 04/12/2018 17:58

I don't think it's weird. My father worked abroad for most of my teenage years and most of my brother's life, although my mother didn't work. And I have several friends who were in boarding school from quite an early age because their parents were posted abroad.

I also know two families who have their kids at boarding school Mon-Thurs because they work long hours in high-powered jobs. I think that's weirder, especially as the youngest is only 6 in one of those families.

missperegrinespeculiar · 04/12/2018 17:58

Not for me, unless it was absolutely necessary to provide for my family, of course, because then you do what you have to.

But just to advance my career, no, not worth it for me, I would rather spend time with my children. I travel a lot for work, for now we all go together, both DH and kids happy to do so.

If this changes, I will cut back on travelling. My DH feels the same and would not be separated from us for long periods either (and his career has taken a back seat due to my travelling, so he is making the sacrifice).

But then, I would never send them to boarding school either.

But it might work for other families, it does not mean at all that she does not love her children or prioritise her family, nor am I sure it necessarily harms the kids. It's just not for me and mine!

Original poster
user1499173618 · 04/12/2018 17:59

Boarding school isn’t an option for my friend but I agree that children whose parents travel so much they are hardly home can have a great time at boarding school.

OP posts:
Valasca · 04/12/2018 17:59

“There are absolutely no visa issues for my friend or children as they as US citizens (they are also citizens of two other countries”

Well there’s probably a huge issue because you can have 3 citizenships. The US in particular only recognises dual citizenship. So they might snatch those little passports right off her kids.

Wheresthebeach · 04/12/2018 17:59

Well I think they need one parent to be around - doesn't matter which one, but not fair for them to be with a house keeper all the time.

Boarding school would be a better option for the kids.

Either parent, moving to another continent is not good IMO. Very difficult to maintain a proper relationship at that sort of distance.